Mamas of high maintenance babes - tell me your secrets!!

[busymama77]

DS#1 was truly an awesome baby. Only fussed when he was hungry or tired and went straight to sleep once we laid him down pretty much anywhere. He started STTN at 8 weeks - never had ANY issues. Now, I've got an almost 8 week old DS who fusses when he toots, fusses in his swing, fusses for a long stretch almost every night around 7pm (witching hour), fusses in a carrier or sling (haven't tried a ring sling yet) - so on and so forth. I really think we've been given a run for our money this time around and I need to know how to handle certain situations and get through it. I'm the type of person that if I can't fix it on my own right away and I get frustrated and can't really figure out what to do - I've been needing a lot of DH's help lately and he's going to be traveling all this week. Also, we have a wedding to attend this weekend out of town - my first time away from DS for a long period of time (no kids at the wedding) - and I'm afraid to leave him with my in-laws eventhough I know they can handle it, I just feel guilty because I know how he can be.

Sooooo - give me your BTDT's - any sort of suggestions you may have or something that you've recently learned or discovered. I'm ALL EARS!!!

[Alisse]

I think my secret was discovering that i had to accept the fact that my son just had to have it done a certain way:
- he always either nurses to sleep or needs to be worn to sleep
- he has to be held a LOT
- he nurses all night long
- he naps longest on a person (ie. being held)

Resistance is futile!

[busymama77]

Originally Posted by Alisse

I think my secret was discovering that i had to accept the fact that my son just had to have it done a certain way:
- he always either nurses to sleep or needs to be worn to sleep
- he has to be held a LOT
- he nurses all night long
- he naps longest on a person (ie. being held)

Resistance is futile!

I agree and that's what I'm working on to accept. My DS certainly has to be held a lot and seems to nap better when being rocked and swaddled. I'm just trying to get things prepared for when he goes to daycare in roughly 5 weeks. Hopefully with that transition can come some positive changes to his napping and how that's handled along with his fussiness and frustration, it seems like, with other things.

[Ninetales]

Right now I'm doing the same. Responding all the time to what she needs, letting her sleep on me and sit on my lap. We also bedshare, because I don't think anyone would sleep otherwise.

I just do my best to take advantage of the times she iis content to sit in her bouncer to clean or do what I need to, and figure she'll grow out of if eventually.

[beatgenxer]

Originally Posted by Alisse

I think my secret was discovering that i had to accept the fact that my son just had to have it done a certain way:
- he always either nurses to sleep or needs to be worn to sleep
- he has to be held a LOT
- he nurses all night long
- he naps longest on a person (ie. being held)

Resistance is futile!

this is my son to a tee. SIGH. I've learned to roll with it too.

[gurglebaby]

I am on my second baby who is 6 months and so far he is just as "high maintenance" as my first. I hold him all the time or I wear him. He nurses all night...sometimes waking up every 30min etc etc...same as my first.
I'm sorry to say I have no secrets to help you out because I just assumed all babies were like this. I always thought people who said their babies slept through the night were making it up!

[colsxjack]

Our baby is/was in need of a lot of hands on and soothing too. You may be already doing many or all of these things.

What worked for us with our DD was:
- try to rephrase our label of her from "high needs/ high maintenance" to passionate and sensitive. It really does help to use more positive language when we are really exhausted and at wits end.

- we also had to accept that that was who she was and that we couldn't change her. We weren't going to find any magic potion that would all of a sudden make her a relaxed and chilled out baby.

- then we slowly all learned each other. She learned that we could be relied upon to meet her needs (because we tried our hardest every time)cues , and we learned how to read her and meet her needs. We were all pretty set by 10-12 weeks.

- our DD liked a LOT of motion. So to sooth her we would cradle her in our arms and swing her up and down or side to side. It instantly stopped almost every crying session (but its hard on the arms). Holding her tight against our body and bouncing up and down on the edge of the bed or a yoga ball helped too.

- we also make a rhythmic shhh shhh sound. She is 9.5 months old and that still settles her almost every time.

- our DD HATED swaddling, but your might like the coziness of it.

- we carried her all the time. She didn't like carriers or slings either, so we carried her in our arms.

- we resigned ourselves around the house to the fact that nothing much else would get done.

- when in a sling, our DD didn't mind being carried "Buddha" style. Basically the babies back against your stomach/chest and their little legs crossed like a baby Buddha inside the sling. The sling keeps them pressed against you. Our DD could go a good 20min to a half hour like that.

Good luck.

[TzippityDoulah]

prayer!!!


no really, i've had two HN/SN kids in a row. it isn;t easy ever, to be honest. but hard doesn't mean bad you know? hard can be good too.

- they are only little for a short time. the more we put into them now, th better off they are in the long run. no amount of cuddling/soothing/holding is wasted. (I remind myself of this often!)

- some little ones have an endless need for comfort. There could be many reasons, and thought we should aim to try to solve those which we can (always!) we should also remember they just need us to be there while they go through it. I'm a big believe in education and research - sometimes a baby is low in minerals/vits. sometimes fussiness is a sign of a developmental problem or an illness.... and that should be looked into. BUT, it shouldn't make us feel like we have a problem child that just needs fixed. (which can happen easily if you're feeling overtired! Sadly I speak from experience...)

- remember that for every "my baby was SO easy and happy and when right to sleep with no problems" there is a baby who isn't easy and doesn't sleep well. There is no bad or good baby.

- try to think of it as a way of learning compassion and love in a REAL way. it is SO easy to love an easy going person but it takes true work and determination to love someone who screams at you all day! lol as silly as it sounds, it has changed me immeasurably and i'm a hundred times more understanding a person now.

- realize this isn't the time in your life where you will be getting big projects done, or go on fancy vacations, or take long weekends away with your spouse. But that doesn't mean you never will again. live in the moment and before you know it things will be easier again. life is like that.

- rely on your husband. you NEED him and it's not a sign of weakness. you need him, b/c your baby needs you both. that is was parenting is. (it's sad to me that most american parenting lies on the shoulders of the mother while the father leads his own life at "real work". home IS the real work - the profession is just to bring in the money!) My husband changes his line of work to work from home. This is what our family did (as we have no outside help available). it's been difficult, but it's made us both responsible for our kids instead of just me. not everyone can do this of course... but every family needs each other in different ways.

- make things as easy as you can in your home. IF you're blessed to have helpful family or friends... or the money to hire some help, ask for it! or hire it! Not all of us have that ability so it should be treasured!

- when your little one is sleeping, whisper little loves into his ear. It's therapeutic for the baby subconsciously, but even more so for you. When you have a baby who cries a lot it's hard to bond with them. I always use nighttime/naptime sleep to bond. I whisper into his ear every night how much I adore him, and how much he means to me, and how thankful I am to be his mommy. This has helped me to feel close to my two SN/HN kids when all else failed. It's kept my heart compassionate and loving.

[sunfish21]

I am a firm believer in chiropractic assisting with a variety of difficulties. I think it helped with my DD (now 2) a lot.

[TzippityDoulah]

regular chiro visits helped our kids a little... but it just isn't a fix all for some conditions ykwim? regardless, I think that's a good point to bring up - it should be tried! a lot of eople have great success with it.

[Curlyfry7]

I've also had 2 HN kids in a row, and I agree with HennyPenny! Also, in regards to carriers, a lot of them for young babies involve laying back ina cradled position...both of my kids HATED that position! They both had to be held upright at all times. My DS went through a phase where he had to be held facing out, despite all the reasons you're "not supposed to" (overstimulation, etc).

Another thing to consider is food allergies-they are not the answer to everything, but they certainly can contribute to a kid who is more high needs-ask me how I know, LOL! So maybe try cutting out dairy or caffeine or keep a food log and see if you can determine a pattern.

Good luck and hang in there- it is SO hard but so worth it!

[busymama77]

Originally Posted by HennyPenny

prayer!!!


no really, i've had two HN/SN kids in a row. it isn;t easy ever, to be honest. but hard doesn't mean bad you know? hard can be good too.

- they are only little for a short time. the more we put into them now, th better off they are in the long run. no amount of cuddling/soothing/holding is wasted. (I remind myself of this often!)

- some little ones have an endless need for comfort. There could be many reasons, and thought we should aim to try to solve those which we can (always!) we should also remember they just need us to be there while they go through it. I'm a big believe in education and research - sometimes a baby is low in minerals/vits. sometimes fussiness is a sign of a developmental problem or an illness.... and that should be looked into. BUT, it shouldn't make us feel like we have a problem child that just needs fixed. (which can happen easily if you're feeling overtired! Sadly I speak from experience...)

- remember that for every "my baby was SO easy and happy and when right to sleep with no problems" there is a baby who isn't easy and doesn't sleep well. There is no bad or good baby.

- try to think of it as a way of learning compassion and love in a REAL way. it is SO easy to love an easy going person but it takes true work and determination to love someone who screams at you all day! lol as silly as it sounds, it has changed me immeasurably and i'm a hundred times more understanding a person now.

- realize this isn't the time in your life where you will be getting big projects done, or go on fancy vacations, or take long weekends away with your spouse. But that doesn't mean you never will again. live in the moment and before you know it things will be easier again. life is like that.

- rely on your husband. you NEED him and it's not a sign of weakness. you need him, b/c your baby needs you both. that is was parenting is. (it's sad to me that most american parenting lies on the shoulders of the mother while the father leads his own life at "real work". home IS the real work - the profession is just to bring in the money!) My husband changes his line of work to work from home. This is what our family did (as we have no outside help available). it's been difficult, but it's made us both responsible for our kids instead of just me. not everyone can do this of course... but every family needs each other in different ways.

- make things as easy as you can in your home. IF you're blessed to have helpful family or friends... or the money to hire some help, ask for it! or hire it! Not all of us have that ability so it should be treasured!

- when your little one is sleeping, whisper little loves into his ear. It's therapeutic for the baby subconsciously, but even more so for you. When you have a baby who cries a lot it's hard to bond with them. I always use nighttime/naptime sleep to bond. I whisper into his ear every night how much I adore him, and how much he means to me, and how thankful I am to be his mommy. This has helped me to feel close to my two SN/HN kids when all else failed. It's kept my heart compassionate and loving.

Wow - reading this made me tear up. Thank you so much. It's helped me realize a ton and how lucky we truly are.

[colsxjack]

Oh yes. Our DD goes to the chiro too. It is very gentle and she likes it. It helps her sleep, digest food, etc. Also my wife did cut out dairy and soy.
Our DD is still a very active, sensitive, determined and passionate child (at 9months) but she is easier to sooth and easier to handle all the time.

[Blueone]

We just roll with it.

He has to be held to sleep
We co-sleep at night because he sleeps best that way
He always gets a bath every night because it calms him down
When he needs me I respond

It's just the way he is. It was hard to accept at first, but I adjusted. I found my family helps when I need it and I do get breaks occasionally during the day.

[Kmama2]

YOu have lots of great responses already and agree with everyone that you have to accept that they need you ALOT. My first was like your first. Easy peasy baby. Content, great sleeper etc etc. Ds was fussy, very high mainenance. Now at 6 months he is a much better sleeper ( not like his sister but good for him I guess) he is happy and smiley and a love. But he is still high maintenance. I can't leave him with anyone but DH. He gets hysterical- even if I am only gone for 15 min. He can't fall asleep without some fussing and crying. Napping is difficult. He needs to be held alot. He is just alot more work and I get frustrated sometimes with him and I never remember feeling that with dd.
I rely on DH alot to take over when I am frustrated, to help out alot around the house etc.
The other thing I would add is DO WHAT WORKS. We let ds sleep on his belly even though its "against the rules" because that is how he slept best. Every time he wakes up at night.. anywhere from 1-2 times to 3-4 times a night I nurse him and rock him back to sleep. Its tiring and time consuming. I try not to think about the fact that he cannot put himself to sleep ever.
Occassionaly when I cannot get ds to go to sleep for anything and I know he is exhausted I will turn on the tv because he will stare at it and fall asleep within a few min. This goes totally against my grain since we don't typically let our kids watch ANY tv till age 2 and I never have the tv on until the kids are in bed. But sometimes he just needs sleep and I know he will fall asleep this way and I have exhausted all other means.. rocking, nursing, walking, wearing, snuggling etc etc.

[Beauchamp]

It helped me to get rid of any and all expectations. I acted like she was the first baby that ever was--I just started from scratch and let her lead the way--this was a learning process because at first I was actually doing things MY way, and it took some time for me to realize that she was "telling me" something. I stopped listening when people told me what my LO "should" be doing. I had to tell myself (sometimes out loud) that I was going to focus only on my DD for that moment and not let anything else enter my mind. I made it my mission to make her smile as much as possible. I kiss her head as much as I can because time is going so fast. I realized I have to enjoy her, not just survive each day. I've thanked God (out loud) for allowing me to be her mama. (This works better when she's happy, or asleep, and usually makes me cry.)

[busymama77]

Originally Posted by Beauchamp

It helped me to get rid of any and all expectations. I acted like she was the first baby that ever was--I just started from scratch and let her lead the way--this was a learning process because at first I was actually doing things MY way, and it took some time for me to realize that she was "telling me" something. I stopped listening when people told me what my LO "should" be doing. I had to tell myself (sometimes out loud) that I was going to focus only on my DD for that moment and not let anything else enter my mind. I made it my mission to make her smile as much as possible. I kiss her head as much as I can because time is going so fast. I realized I have to enjoy her, not just survive each day. I've thanked God (out loud) for allowing me to be her mama. (This works better when she's happy, or asleep, and usually makes me cry.)

I cry quite a bit, too. Just looking at home when I'm holding him and watching him sleep. Or when he's looking up at me while nursing. He's an amazing little guy. Totally not what I expected and that's what I'm trying to get used to, but couldn't love him more.

[rzberrymom]

My DD was fussy until:

a) I started swaddling her with a Miracle Blanket--that Happiest Baby on the Block book changed my world!!

b) I started doing Elimination Communication. I figured out that her fussy times were often about needing to pee--I just spent a few evenings with her diaper free (lying in my arms on a waterproof pad) and noticed that she got really fussy just before she would pee. I always thought her bad moods meant she was hungry or couldn't fall asleep, but often it was because she needed to pee (before she could drift off to sleep).