At a Weird Cross-Roads

[sarabella]

I have had a very trying year with work, children, health, family- much to much to go into in this post. Before I had children, I had thought that I would be the quintessential SAHM- I had planned to homeschool and wanted to devote everything to my children. After I had my first, I realized that I didn't have the temperament or disposition for this- I had aso just relocated to another country, was one of the first in my group of friends to have children, and I was generally overwhelmed and freaked out by motherhood (I also had a very bad birth experience with my first). I started my company just after the birth of my second around 4 years ago, and I am very proud that it is fairly successful- not particularly financially successful, but I have been proud of what I've accomplished, happy with my work, and have felt compensated for the work that I've done. Everyone (parents, friends, husband, etc) tells me how proud they are of what I've accomplished and how impressed they are, etc. The thing is, for the past 4 or 5 months, I realized that I don't want to work any more. I feel this strong nesting instinct (we're talking like in the 8th month of pregnancy strong), and all I want to do is stay with my children. I am completely uninspired and lackluster when it comes to work- my clients annoy me, and I haven't done ANYTHING to market my company at all within the last 3 months (I've stopped blogging, no facebook, no trade shows- nothing). We can not live off of my husbands salary, so I do need to keep wrking- but I feel like everything inside and outside is calling me towards my children- You know when you're in that haze of new motherhood at around 6 or 8 months- the baby finally sleeps thru the night, he's not as fragile, and you are able to get small snatches of time to yourself, but you find that all you can think about are toys for the baby, or clothes for the baby. Its like I'm in that stage, but the kids are big! I don't know whats come over me- if I'm suffering from some sort of depression (I have thyroid problems) which is making me want to shirk off my responsibilities, or if it's a natural phase in my life (I'm 42) I just don't know what to make of it! Has anyone gone through this phase before? I'm afraid to make some sort of major decision (fold my company, move to the country and start selling tupperware) in case its just a phase, but I really feel like I'm being pulled or guided and I don't know why.

[brokenheart]

Very interesting. How old are your kids? I assume your youngest is about 4?

[bananahands]

sarabella, sorry to hear you're in such a conflicted state. It can be so trying when all the pieces seem to be there, but nothing feels like it's fitting right. If you're a reader, can I suggest a newish book called Radical Homemakers? I've become a bit fanatical about it, but only because it has helped me put my pieces right. I stayed at home for two years when my kids first arrived, but then returned to work because I was having so much trouble assimilating the things that I felt didn't fit in with the SAHM lifestyle, primarily the feeling that I had more to offer to my community and society (and the validation that comes with accomplishments in those realms). I couldn't figure out how to express that aside from returning to the career that I had trained for and worked hard for up to that point. But since returning to the workforce more than three years ago, I feel stalled personally, because there is no time to nurture my values and priorities -- including wanting to spend more time with my children and family. I was searching for a compromise, but couldn't find a framework that made sense to me. Anyway, this book has helped tremendously. There's a corresponding website, too, with a number of links and really inspiring real-life stories (www.radicalhomemakers.com). Perhaps it will help you in your quest to find the right balance. Good luck.

ETA: By the way, after spending a month going through the financial implications and creating a plan of action, I'm submitting my resignation this week.

[sarabella]

Originally Posted by brokenheart

Very interesting. How old are your kids? I assume your youngest is about 4?

They're 4 and 7.

[sarabella]

Originally Posted by bananahands

There's a corresponding website, too, with a number of links and really inspiring real-life stories (www.radicalhomemakers.com). Perhaps it will help you in your quest to find the right balance. Good luck.

ETA: By the way, after spending a month going through the financial implications and creating a plan of action, I'm submitting my resignation this week.

Thank you for your comment- and the link!! I'm ordering it today. Maybe this is what I'm going through. And congratulations on having the strength to take action. What did your husband/partner say, by the way? I feel like its a step I couldn't take b/c my husband is in a job he hates, but where he makes enough to support us day-to-day (my contribution has always gone to the nice to haves: vacations, extra classes for the kids, leisure items, as well as takn the sting out of utility and medical bills, etc.

[bananahands]

At first my husband was against it. I've been complaining about my job for 18 months now. And up until last week he was not on board. He's still not entirely on board ... it's going to be extremely difficult for us to manage this, but only because we live in a very high COL area, and after the mortgage is paid there's not much else when you're living on one salary. So I spent the time to review the past year's expenses, and have committed to areas where we can cut. Or where I can cut, I should say, because I want him to see that I'm serious enough about this to be the driving force. In the meantime we're working on relocating, so that there's less external pressure on the budget.

I appreciate your comment about age, too. I'm recently 40 ... the midlife crisis has arrived right on schedule!

[Starflower]

Could you give yourself an evaluation period (or maybe you feel like you've already done this) and then maybe sell your business? Could you make enough money selling Tupperware or doing a work-at-home gig to supplement your DH's income?

Interesting thread. I am almost 40 and have been re-evaluating everything lately. I am a homeschooling SAHM but I don't feel exactly fulfilled doing this. I also don't want to get into the workforce. I've never had a career, just jobs, most of which I never liked much. Financially, it makes more sense for me to stay home. I think most of my angst comes from not getting to do enough creative work (I am an artist, though not a very prolific or successful one at this point). But I also self-sabotage my art time.

I will check out the book mentioned earlier. I could use some reframing - I think that is a lot of my problem with my SAHM position - that I am devaluing it for myself. I really admire others who are SAHM but I seem to have trouble with me doing it. WTH? And I don't want to do the business end of the art stuff either.

Is this what is keeping you in your business:

"Everyone (parents, friends, husband, etc) tells me how proud they are of what I've accomplished and how impressed they are, etc."

Are you worried that if you go back to SAHM that you will get a lot of flack from people?

You've given me a lot to think about. Thank you. For myself, a lot of my frustration seems to go back to my idea about what society/others think.

[sarabella]

I think, on one hand, I feel like I'm being selfish and unappreciative. Although I was always considered "smart", I dropped out of University after just a few semesters, and had a long string of "jobs" (interestingly enough, my 2nd has been tested as gifted, and in researching information, I'm starting to suspect that maybe I was "gifted" as well, but was put in the worse possible learning environments for my personality type which is why I failed terribly in an academic environment...anyway, thats all "woulda, shoulda, coulda...) Anyway, since I have certain accomplishments considering my background, I feel like I am looking a gift-horse in the mouth. There are so many people in the same situation as I who didn't have the opportunities that I did (even though I feel that I made many of my own opportunities- with the grace of God...) that how dare I want to "throw it all away" and go back to being a SAHM. Especially when I was a miserable SAHM- I was depressed and felt un-valued and insignificant. I'm also terrified that I will go back to feeling that way after I've gone back. I ALSo am torn because I do have health problems (thyroid) which affect my stress/temper levels and dont want to find myself a screeching, nagging "housewife" after 2 weeks at home...Looking at the Radical Homemakers site a bit more...I don't know if thats me. I'm not particularly "granola-crunchy"- I am a 100% City Girl. Its not like I want to Drop Out and start growing food and making clothes. Like I said- I'm in my 40's- I'm not ashamed to admit that thats not me. I care about the environment, I try to do my bit, I raise my children to be aware, but I like to buy my eggs and milk in a store...

So- my need to be at home may just be a way of wimping/copping out. I used to work at a Starbucks, and it was the most mind-numbingly boring job anyone could ever have. My "stress dream" is that I'm back working at Starbucks, up on the bar making lattés, and I'm happy because I don't have to think. I'm wondering if I'm stressed or depressed or so overworked that I'm looking "home" as a way of just going on auto-pilot. I don't know... I was surprised that when I turned 40 I didn't freak out...but I wonder if things have been simmering for a while. Again, it's weird and kind of "out there" to say, but I feel like I'm being pulled towards the children and home, and I don't know why...

[Starflower]

You might find some interesting reading on this website as well - it's called SENG - Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted. The link has an index of articles about gifted adults. http://www.sengifted.org/articles_adults/index.shtml

I haven't read all the articles, but the one about the gifted ex-child really hit home on some parts for me. It helped me understand some feelings about myself I've always had but didn't understand why. I think there was one about gifted adults and working as well. Maybe it could help you find some insight?

Good luck with your decision.