Grandma's not your Mommy? Explaining death to a child

[frogautumn]

My mother died when I was a year old. My father remarried when I was 5.

I have several pictures of my birth mom around the house, plus my parent's wedding album on my bookshelf.

A few weeks ago, my DS (3yo) took the wedding album down from the bookshelf and began to flip through it. He immediately recognized the groom as his grandfather and a conversation like this soon followed:

DS: Look! It's poppa!
Me: Yes, honey, it is. Look at how young he is!
DS: Is he getting married?
Me: He is.
DS: Who is he getting married to?
Me: That's my mommy.
DS: What's her name?
Me: Her name was Mary Anne.
DS: Was grandma (meaning my stepmother) home in [town gp's live in].
Me: Yes, she was (this isn't a white lie, they live in her childhood home).
DS: Grandma's not your Mommy?
Me: Well, honey, Grandma has taken care of me since I was little girl, but I grew in this Mommy's belly, just like you grew in my belly.

And that was enough for him at the moment (although I think that was a lot for a 3yo to put together on his own!). But he has asked about my Mother frequently over the past few weeks and his questions have become more complex. I answer them honestly and simply, but I anticipate the "Where is your Mommy now?" question will come up soon.
Is a 3yo capable of understanding the concept of death? Any BTDT advice on how to answer honestly, but without scaring him?

[seashells]

I think you did great. As for death and 3 year olds, it depends on how sensitive they are. My 4 year old is about a sensitive as a bull in a china shop, and talking about death doesn't faze her a bit. How sensitive is your 3 year old?

Not because of death but just being complicated, we haven't bothered to tell DD that one of her grandfathers isn't daddy's daddy. He wasn't even DH's stepfather, he married MIL when DH was 22. However, he is still DD's grandfather And DH's father, while still alive, is not a grandfather, I've never even met him and never will.

[liliaceae]

I think it's best to answer as simply and honestly as possible, just as you did. If he asks where she is now, I would just say that she got very sick, or very hurt, or whatever applies, and her body stopped working. And just keep answering his questions as they come, and according to whatever your religious beliefs are. Be careful not to overload him with information though, and if you're not sure quite what he's asking, ask him, "What do you think?" to try to see what he's really looking for.

[MomAndOliver]

I would recommend "had a disease" over "was very sick" - I had a similar situation with my child, and used the "was very sick," and the next time he got a cold, he asked if he was going to die.

[kittykat2481]

I think you did great. If he asks further, I would just say that she went to Heaven. Why did she go to Heaven? God knew that grandpa and (stepmom) would be able to take care of me and he needed her to come home to Him. Or some other version of that. Obviously we are Christian though, so if that doesn't fall in line with your beliefs, I would say to stick to something about her body stopped working/disease. Then I would be sure to focus on the fact that she and your father always made sure you had a family to love you. That way your DD doesn't worry that something will happen and she'll be left alone.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by frogautumn

Is a 3yo capable of understanding the concept of death? Any BTDT advice on how to answer honestly, but without scaring him?

Just keep being honest.

My FIL died when my younger DD was about 3. He was very ill for a long time leading up to it so we could talk as we went along.

I don't think that a 3 year old can understand death the same way an adult can, but all adults don't understand it the same way.

What to say really depends on your beliefs. I believe in reincarnation, so I explained that. I said that different people believe different things.

[frogautumn]

Thank you for your responses.
I'll have to think long and hard about this one...the sick/disease language really isn't in play because my mother committed suicide
To complicate matters, my DH is struggling with atheism and my convictions fall under "broad spirituality." I guess DH and I will have to get on the same page about what we will introduce to our DC regarding heaven, God, etc.

When I was a small child, it was explained to me that she "took too much of the wrong medicine." I understand that it was probably the gentlest, truest explanation I could have received at the time, but it confused me. (I remember having a lesson on safety in 3rd grade. The teacher was telling us to never play around in the medicine cabinet. I raised my hand and said, "One time my mother took too much of the wrong medicine and she died." Gosh, could you imagine what the teacher was thinking ) I obviously didn't put together the full concept of "suicide" until I was an adolescent.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I'm really sorry about your mom.

I think you're doing great with your ds though - explaining simply and honestly is probably best. I don't have any advice though b/c my little one is only 15months.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by frogautumn

my mother committed suicide

I'm so, so sorry.

[mumkimum]

We've talked with our 3.5 y/o about death. The general way we've explained it is that 'sometimes people have health problems that get really bad/don't get better and sometimes they die'. We may go on to detail what exactly the problems were if she asks, but this covers a lot of issues and she's comfortable enough with this explanation that she'll explain it this way too.

We're agnostic and don't really say anything about god/heaven - but have told dd that we usually bury people when they die and then we keep around pictures or other special things to remember them, especially when we miss them - we might talk about how plants die in the fall and then new ones are born/grow in the spring too to bring up the idea of the cycle of living things.

[liliaceae]

Originally Posted by frogautumn

Thank you for your responses.
I'll have to think long and hard about this one...the sick/disease language really isn't in play because my mother committed suicide
To complicate matters, my DH is struggling with atheism and my convictions fall under "broad spirituality." I guess DH and I will have to get on the same page about what we will introduce to our DC regarding heaven, God, etc.

When I was a small child, it was explained to me that she "took too much of the wrong medicine." I understand that it was probably the gentlest, truest explanation I could have received at the time, but it confused me. (I remember having a lesson on safety in 3rd grade. The teacher was telling us to never play around in the medicine cabinet. I raised my hand and said, "One time my mother took too much of the wrong medicine and she died." Gosh, could you imagine what the teacher was thinking ) I obviously didn't put together the full concept of "suicide" until I was an adolescent.

Yeah I'm not sure quite what to say in the case of suicide, other than *not* the complete truth. Taking too much of the wrong medicine doesn't sound like a bad explanation to me, or you could still go with illness, because obviously she was not well if she took her own life.

As far as the afterlife, you could just say that nobody is sure where you go after you die, but some people think (whichever belief you want to introduce to him).

[grahamsmom98]

First, I'm so sorry about your Mom's death. I think you handled the situation quite well with your son!

If your son asks about why your Mom and his grandmother are different people, I would tell him the truth. Your Mom died. If he asks why (or, from what), my response would be that she had an illness (suicide can be a result of mental illness). It is not something that he has to worry about ever catching and neither you, nor his Daddy, can catch it.

Tell him that Grandpa was lucky enough to find another lady to love and to share in your upbringing. And, that she has tried to be as good a mother to you as your Mom had been. If you have any memories of your Mom, share them with him. If not, tell him how good your stepmom has been to you.

I think children can handle the actual idea of death easier than most adults think they can! It's the way of dying that's hard (finality versus the journey). Your son is still a young child and trying to explain that people kill themselves is a pretty big concept for him to handle (it's hard at any age). It can certainly wait until he's older.

When ds was 4 years old, my darling mil died (on Christmas night, several years ago), I had to tell ds the next morning, while my dh was over with his Dad. He knew she was ill and was in the hospital (he saw her two days before she died). I told him that she was too ill with the serious cancer (we had already explained that there were cancers that were serious and some that were not as bad) and that she had died the night before. She had chosen to die when all the excitement of Christmas day was over and that she was so happy to have seen him before she died. That he was so important to her and that she loved him very much.

He was, of course, very sad and asked, "Does this mean we'll never see her again?" I told him that was true, but that she would always live in his heart and that he would always be able to see and talk to her in his dreams. This made him smile. I said it was okay to be sad about her being gone, but that Nana wouldn't want him to stay very sad for a long time, just as long as he needed to be sad.

When dh came home later in the day, ds said the same thing to him.

We are not religious. Dh was raised Catholic, but has not been active for years. I am an atheist. My explaination served both our backgrounds with no offense to either of our beliefs (or, lack thereof!). Ds even said the same explaination to my very devout fil and he smiled and said, "That's true" with no further mention of heaven or anything.

For what it's worth, my Dad died from hypothermia on the floor of his garage on his 88th birthday. He had fallen and broken his pelvis. The temps were at freezing level. We were supposed to go see him that day, to celebrate his birthday (he lived 80 miles away). But, my Mom (also age 88 and living near us in assisted living) had broken her foot that day and was going to be unable to walk for a couple of days. When I couldn't reach him, by phone, all day, I asked the neighbor across the street from him to check the house. They found him.

I told ds (age 10 at the time) that his grandfather had died in his new recliner, in front of the TV. He was very sad, but said he thought that grandpa would have thought that that was a relaxing way to die.

I was worried that his knowing my Dad had died on the garage floor, possibly lingering in great pain, would be too heavy a burden for him (I know it is for me). I'll tell him the truth later in his life, if it seems a necessary thing to tell. We have a great relationship and he will understand the why of this, if, or when, I tell him what actually happened. We told Mom the same lie (she is stroke-impaired), as the truth would be really hard on her mental condition. You do what you need to do.

[frogautumn]

Originally Posted by grahamsmom98

Tell him that Grandpa was lucky enough to find another lady to love and to share in your upbringing. And, that she has tried to be as good a mother to you as your Mom had been. If you have any memories of your Mom, share them with him. If not, tell him how good your stepmom has been to you.

Hmm...but what if I don't think Grandpa was lucky? Pardon my wicked stepmother syndrome, I'm just in a snarky mood today

[MammaG]

My Grandpa committed suicide when I was 7. I didn't know that until I was in college. I was told that his heart stopped working, which apparently was the truth...that was how the pills he took worked.

I'm usually a fan of telling kids the truth, but in this case, I'm glad that I was told when I was. It made sense to me then and it didn't scar my childhood in any way. I think that suicide is way too dark and confusing for kids and perhaps even adolescents to tackle.

You have done a great job, Mama.

[grahamsmom98]

Hmm...but what if I don't think Grandpa was lucky? Pardon my wicked stepmother syndrome, I'm just in a snarky mood today

Well, I guess you have to decide if his relationship with her is a good one, despite that (obvious?) fact that your relationship may not be! And, by "his" I mean both your Dad and your son.

Let's leave Dad out of it, as this is all about your son.

Does your son have a good relationship with your stepmother? If so, don't sour it by bringing in your problems. If she is kind and loving to him, be thankful that she is and be kind in your discussions about her with him.

If she is mean/uncaring/indifferent to him, well, why would you even interact with her?! Leave it with, "Grandpa married again so he wouldn't be alone and would have help raising me." End of story. You don't have to say anything about what she was/is like to your Dad or you.

Is your current relationship with her good, bad or indifferent? How you interact with her will be noticed by your son (as I am sure you are aware!). If she was bad to you, growing up, hold off sharing that information with him. It will confuse him and make him unsure of how to direct loyalties ("Why would Grandpa marry someone that wasn't nice/was mean to you/why do we have to see her/will she be mean to me??". It doesn't make any difference as to his relationship with her, at this point.

Sigh, it's never easy, it seems, is it?! Death is easier to explain than life.

[frogautumn]

Originally Posted by grahamsmom98

Well, I guess you have to decide if his relationship with her is a good one, despite that (obvious?) fact that your relationship may not be! And, by "his" I mean both your Dad and your son.

Let's leave Dad out of it, as this is all about your son.

Does your son have a good relationship with your stepmother? If so, don't sour it by bringing in your problems. If she is kind and loving to him, be thankful that she is and be kind in your discussions about her with him.

If she is mean/uncaring/indifferent to him, well, why would you even interact with her?! Leave it with, "Grandpa married again so he wouldn't be alone and would have help raising me." End of story. You don't have to say anything about what she was/is like to your Dad or you.

Is your current relationship with her good, bad or indifferent? How you interact with her will be noticed by your son (as I am sure you are aware!). If she was bad to you, growing up, hold off sharing that information with him. It will confuse him and make him unsure of how to direct loyalties ("Why would Grandpa marry someone that wasn't nice/was mean to you/why do we have to see her/will she be mean to me??". It doesn't make any difference as to his relationship with her, at this point.

Sigh, it's never easy, it seems, is it?! Death is easier to explain than life.

I was only teasing, honestly. Our relationship is fine...complicated, but most mother/daughter relationships are; biological or not.