Be all?

[Mamatolea]

Ok, so I love my life. I have a fabulous husband who has been my best friend for almost 20 years. I have a smart(mouthy), beautiful little girl. My son is a wonderful, mild tempered little guy. My house is smallish but managable and we are working on things to make it easier for living(even though it is in the city..). I have neighbors that we get along with, family that we see occasionally and my parents take the kiddos once in a while for a visit. I take the kids to the park, to the farms to feed animals, to age appro museums to play, etc...but I feel like a crappy mom...

I am not a regular schedule kind of person and I am bad about feeding well rounded meals. I don't play in the playroom with the kids, they tend to play well together by themselves, but I feel like I am not interacting enough..

My daughter can count to 10, but has no concept of counting(she is 3). My son can hum twinkle, twinkle(20 months) but can't say most of the words. When my friend from Canada who is a teacher spoke with Lea on the phone, she couldn't believe she was 3, she thought she was 6 or 7 from the way she spoke. They are both active: climbers, runners and play well together. They both eat pretty well, but it's hard to get organic here so we have started growing our own.

I know I should be baking with them more, doing crafts with them, having tea parties, having play dates with new friends, being a better teacher, getting them better nutrition and getting them to try new foods...

They are healthy and everyone thinks they are smart that we meet, so why do I still feel like a failure? The house is "cluttery" but not dirty by any stretch(I just never feel like it's done). I have been trying to eat at home more(we are very bad for eating out, hubby likes the noise of lots of people coming from a family of 7 and so it's hard to have a dinner at home because he just never feels "satisfied". And here I am, posting online when I should be making them a healthy lunch and taking them to play...urgh.

I have been feeling overwhelmed a bit lately, so we looked for a mother's helper. We have found and interviewed two young ladies who are partners getting ready to head to college in the fall. They are 20 and 21 but not partiers. They seem quite nice and they are exchanging helping with cooking, cleaning and childcare for room and board until the leave for school. So for the summer, the kids will have lots of interaction and better meals, etc..lol. The problem is, I am afraid that things will either not go as planned or what will happen when they leave and we go back to normal again?

Suggestions for making better use of my time? How do I get myself on a better schedule? What kinds of things should I be doing with the kids? Should I be implementing some kind of learning system? Teaching them languages? School type work? Looking into schools?

This being a parent thing is hard because I know no two parents are the same, but I just feel like I should be doing more. KWIM?

[Masel]

It sounds to me like you are doing an awesome job. Don't take that vocabulary thing for granted. It means your DD is picking up a lot of what you say in a good way.

I guess If you need to feel like you are doing more with them then having household jobs might help. Let them "help" in the garden by shoveling a little muddy area all their own. Wash dishes even if it means more water on the floor.

I know I should be baking with them more, doing crafts with them, having tea parties, having play dates with new friends, being a better teacher, getting them better nutrition and getting them to try new foods...

This will drive you nuts if you let it. If I get one crunchy-crafty-vaguely-educational-thing a week in I consider it myself a success.

[Mamatolea]

Originally Posted by Masel

This will drive you nuts if you let it. If I get one crunchy-crafty-vaguely-educational-thing a week in I consider it myself a success.

Thanks Mama!!!

[Katie T]

I think you are being way too hard on yourself
I think if baking with your kids stresses you out or you just don't enjoy it there is no point to doing it. I doesn't make you a better or worse mother.

My DS is 3 1/2 and can't count much, know his colors very well ect. I think some kids love to learn and some don't my DS doesn't. But your kids sound like they are doing great.

I don't follow a schedule, they kinda make one on there own that we follow. They wake and always want breakfast right away so that's "on" the schedule they get crabby by 11:30 or 12 so I know I need to do lunch before that, but somedays we snack on cheese, fruit, and fresh bread so they don't eat lunch per say, I don't let myself feel guilty about it because they still ate really healthy.

It sounds like your kids are thriving so take it easy on yourself, and IME your house work is always work in progress.

Also, we don't do super healthy meals every night of the week, who has time for that, we have frozen pizza's, fish sticks, and stuff like that on busy nights. I think most family's do. No one is perfect, and I know a lot of people pretend to be, but behind closed doors they aren't.

[crunchy_mommy]

Wow I got stressed out just reading your post!! I think you are putting WAYYY too much pressure on yourself!! It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job raising amazing little kids. Are your kids happy? It sounds like they are, and that makes me think you're doing everything right. The only thing I'd do if I were you is examine where you are getting this feeling/idea/pressure that you should be doing something 'more'.

[Mamatolea]

Originally Posted by Katie T

No one is perfect, and I know a lot of people pretend to be, but behind closed doors they aren't.

That right there is it I think! I read all these blogs and yahoo groups and forums where the mom's and dad's seem perfect...sigh..lol

I know it is unrealistic to do "everything" but I still sometimes get that naggling feeling that I should be more interactive. But they are thriving and healthy and seem happy and they get outside and they communicate well and sleep easily(aside from occasional terrors or grinding as is sometimes seen in toddlers) and they get along with others for the most part and are pretty well adjusted toddlers..but there is always "super mom" sitting there being a bit more earthy, a bit more organized, a bit cleaner, a bit more structured..lol..you all know what I mean!

I am trying to let it go and let it be, all the encouragement is helping! Thanks!!

[Mamatolea]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

The only thing I'd do if I were you is examine where you are getting this feeling/idea/pressure that you should be doing something 'more'.

It's all internal I think. Because I read too much, hear too much and was taught "what will others think" my entire life and that is a hard habit to break but I am trying!

[lolar2]

This might sound silly, but if you are really worried about what others think, maybe you could concentrate your surplus efforts on things that others would notice. Would that make you calmer?

[Mamatolea]

Originally Posted by lolar2

This might sound silly, but if you are really worried about what others think, maybe you could concentrate your surplus efforts on things that others would notice. Would that make you calmer?

The truth is that I am not worried what others think as much as I sometimes think I am..lol. In addition to my mom duties, I run a small non profit and have helped 75 families over the last 3 years with clothing, food, coats, etc. I just wish I could be the super mom that a lot of my friends seem to think I am! LOL

I think my biggest issue right now is the educational aspect. Mainly because I worry about what we are going to do for school(I really want to homeschool the kids but if I can't be scheduled, then everyone thinks I will fail at that..I know it's not true and my kids are intelligent already but they worry...so I internalize that and I guess I just needed to get it out..lol

Looking at it from this standpoint, it isn't bad at all

[BreakfastyMichele]

Ooooh, lolar, that's a good suggestion for the panicked among us. (I will be using this particular method when my mother visits this summer. Not for parenting or child-related activities, but definitely for the pre-visit housework and preparation!)

[crunchy_mommy]

Your kids will have their whole lives to learn & I bet a lot of that learning will end up being waying more structured than it needs to be!! They are so young, now is their one & only chance really to just BE, to just observe, explore, learn in ways that they want to learn, do the things that they are most interested in... Really, unless you do some sort of unschooling thing, they will have every day of their life structured to some extent once they hit schoolage. There will be classes and homework or homeschool curriculum etc. Right now they need to play, they need to figure out how the world works & how to be in the world, and they will learn so much just from being allowed to BE.

[berry987]

You are being way to hard on yourself! Perfection is not the goal (well, at least it shouldn't be!)

Have you heard about the "good enough" mother?

"A good enough mother:
loves her child but not all of his behavior.
isn't always available to her child whenever he wants her.
can't possibly prevent all her child's frustrations and moods.
has needs of her own which may conflict with those of her child.
loses it sometimes.
is human and makes mistakes.
learns from her mistakes.
uses her own best judgment.

There are no perfect mothers and no perfect children. If we accept our own limitations, we are better able to accept those of our children and of life itself. In that way we become good enough mothers. And good enough mothers are the real mothers."

http://www.pbs.org/parents/special/a...oodmother.html

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Masel

This will drive you nuts if you let it. If I get one crunchy-crafty-vaguely-educational-thing a week in I consider it myself a success.

Well said. I'm homeschooling (sort of unschooling, but not really), and there are a lot of days where I don't get as much done as I'd like. There are days when I feel like a complete failure. Other days, I feel as if I'm doing an awesome job.

Look at the big picture, not the details. Are your kids mostly happy? Healthy? Are they fed and clothed and clean? We all want to be the best parent we can be, but getting the guilts over the details isn't good for us or our kids.

Another thing to think about. We're on MDC. We're also inundated, in our day to day life, with articles and columns and stuff about crafting, cooking, housecleaning, "enriching" our children's lives, etc. etc. But, we all have our strengths and weaknesses. I really doubt there's anybody who is playing with their kids a lot (and I don't think that's necessary, anyway - if they're happy, it really doesn't matter that much), and doing cool crafts every day, and cooking every meal from scratch with organic ingredients, and babywearing all day, and keeping a spotless house, and packing each week with interesting trips to museums, aquariums, zoos and parks, and teaching their kids to count to 100, speak three languages and identify every country on the map by age five. Play to your strengths. Don't worry about all the things you could (or should - I hate "should") be doing. Think about the things you are doing.

[Erinz]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

Your kids will have their whole lives to learn & I bet a lot of that learning will end up being waying more structured than it needs to be!! They are so young, now is their one & only chance really to just BE, to just observe, explore, learn in ways that they want to learn, do the things that they are most interested in... Really, unless you do some sort of unschooling thing, they will have every day of their life structured to some extent once they hit schoolage. There will be classes and homework or homeschool curriculum etc. Right now they need to play, they need to figure out how the world works & how to be in the world, and they will learn so much just from being allowed to BE.

Totally this. I remember when my first was a baby I questioned how much silence we had during walks or just during our day in general. I feared I wasn't offering enough "stimulation." He's almost 4 now and talks just fine I keep that as a reminder to myself when I start to doubt things. I'm totally unorganized, the house is clean for seconds at a time, life is BUSY but I get nothing done or so it seems. Seeming, that is what we are really talking about here right? What seems to be, not what is. Be present where you are. Enjoy it. >>and here is me telling myself the same thing <<

[Mamatolea]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

Right now they need to play, they need to figure out how the world works & how to be in the world, and they will learn so much just from being allowed to BE.

That is very true!

Originally Posted by berry987

http://www.pbs.org/parents/special/a...oodmother.html

Thanks for this

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

There are days when I feel like a complete failure. Other days, I feel as if I'm doing an awesome job.
Think about the things you are doing.

Absolutely <3

Originally Posted by Erinz

I'm totally unorganized, the house is clean for seconds at a time, life is BUSY but I get nothing done or so it seems.

[nina_yyc]

If you feel like you want a little more structure, try to get one thing down at a time. I also think your unscheduled life is probably a function of the age of your children. When DD was younger our days would be very free-flowing. Since she's been 3 a loose schedule has been really useful in helping her understand what there is time for in a day and what has to get done.

[bananahands]

One thing I've noticed from the first child to the second is how much that sense of doing a "good" job or doing "enough" was simply about my attitude and intention. Even the smallest, quickest interactions can be extremely meaningful for kids at this age. If you're able to notice how eagerly they respond or how they really are processing little bits of knowledge, then you'll see that you are, in fact, providing a tremendously enriching environment just by including them in the day-to-day household stuff. My kids have spent some time in a Montessori classroom and I was stunned by the simplicity of the activities. At the right age, a small creamer pitcher full of beans with a bowl to pour them into can provide a great deal of stimulation (and occupy them for a shockingly long time). Once I learned to tune into the volume of individual tasks that adults tackle without even batting an eye, I was able to recognize when I could quickly include a child with an assignment that wouldn't require extra energy or preparation -- folding socks, setting the table, getting the mail, pulling a box of crackers off the shelf, emptying the dishwasher, etc. And, as they get older, you can easily add to the degree of difficulty by incorporating a counting element, or color element, etc.

It sounds like you already do a lot of this, so give yourself a pat on the back!

[Mamatolea]

Originally Posted by nina_yyc

I also think your unscheduled life is probably a function of the age of your children.

That is true. Being flexible is key to this age. I am very unstructured and that suits me. I just worry that I am passing that on to my kids and they will be "lazy" as many often think I am(even though I am busy allllll the time! LOL)

Originally Posted by bananahands

Once I learned to tune into the volume of individual tasks that adults tackle without even batting an eye, I was able to recognize when I could quickly include a child with an assignment that wouldn't require extra energy or preparation -- folding socks, setting the table, getting the mail, pulling a box of crackers off the shelf, emptying the dishwasher, etc.

We do these things. She helps me knead homemade bread, pour ingredients and mix batters, sets the table, goes and gets clothes for her brother if he has pooped out and needs a change. She really is very helpful and I think I need to include her more. I just automatically do it myself without thinking because it's faster, but it is good for her to learn how to help and to understand that things happen in order-like it isn't all play all the time, sometimes we need to pick up or clean, etc.

[Smokering]

I feel like that a lot as well. I have a friend - with three kids, as opposed to my one - who is always busy busy busy, goes to the gym every day, has dozens of toy library toys and library books at home for her kids all the time, does kindy, gardens and organises playdates galore. Sometimes at my house, which is awkward because a) I think she's doing it out of a sense of duty, not because she likes me, and b) we don't have that many toys and she always looks vaguely disapproving at our lack of a sand table and kiddie bikes.

It's not even that I want to be like her - her kids eat lots of packaged food and she's very non-AP. But whenever she leaves I still feel vaguely guilty for not "enriching" DD enough.

Reading this thread is good, though - I cook with DD all the time and had kind of forgotten this was a Legitimate Parenting Activity. I don't get how parents can avoid cooking with their kids, actually - mine loves to do it all, and will shove a chair up to the stove, grab a spoon and start stirring away at a saucepan if I don't notice in time. (And sometimes I let her anyway!)

I do feel guilty about not reading to her more, or going for more walks. Even though we do go for a walk at least twice a week, now I think about it (not out of virtue - no car!). And sometimes I feel guilty about our lack of playdates, but then... she sees kids her own age at church and Bible study, so that's twice a week, and her baby cousin once a week, and her aunts about twice a week... so it adds up, you know?