did you tell family you were planning a HB?

[Bennifer]

I am nearly 38 weeks pregnant and we just decided to switch from a hospital birth (with a supportive OB, who delivered my dd naturally and it was a VBAC) to a homebirth. I am so excited. The only family that knows though is my mom, and she is supportive (surprisingly). I worry (as does dh) about telling his family; but I also worry if we just tell them afterwards, that their reaction might put a damper on the birth and that might really tick me off, more than dealing with their reaction now. They can't convince me it is unsafe; i'm not worried about becoming doubtful, I just would rather not deal with their reaction (whether before or after!) but I have to at some point. What did you do, and how did you approach it? The idea of homebirth is NO WHERE on their radar, this is going to come out of left field and they already think we are nuts for how healthy we feed our kids, and homeschooling, EBF, co-sleeping, etc. But I don't think they would ever think we'd have a homebirth. Heck, I didn't until a week ago!
Thanks!

[meesh933]

We told our families before hand, and they have the decency to respect our decisions. I know they think I'm nuts, but no one said anything, at least not to my face. I would imagine, though, that they are less likely to have a fit if they are presented with a healthy baby first. No one can tell you the baby and you are going to die if you obviously didn't.

Happy birthing!

[Coco_Hikes]

The only family member we told is my husband's sister-in-law, because we trust her and because she is on our backup plan for child care for our 3yo if we have to transfer. She was surprised, but she gets it. I'd love to tell our parents and other siblings, but many of them suffer from anxiety already (some diagnosed and being treated, others not so much) and we have no desire for them to pile on their fears to an occasion we feel completely comfortable with. The friends we have told have been absolutely supportive, (we spend more time with them anyway), so that's made up for having to keep the real plans secret around family.

We are totally in the same boat as you as far as our family thinking we are wacky for eating healthfully, wanting to hs, extended nursing, etc. This is just one more thing that is right for us and they'll come around to it eventually. And if they don't, so be it. It's our decision.

[dachshundqueen]

We were honest with everyone. My dad, a medical professional, actually interviewed the midwives, amusingly and gave me the thumbs up. My mother also a med professional was just not thrilled, neither was DH's family. But it's a decision DH and I were comfortable with so we didn't worry so much about others.

Liz

[Mama2010]

We have been honest with all of our immediate family. With extended family we just haven't mentioned it unless it came up in conversation. They asked alot of questions but were never rude. I don't think they totally get why we are doing it but they have taken it pretty well considering it's kind of an "out there" idea for our families. Just be prepared for questions and have your DH with you when you tell them so he can back you up if they get too crazy over it. Good luck with your homebirth!

[Plummeting]

We told everyone from the very beginning. Neither of our families is at all alternative - they're VERY mainstream. However, they tend not to bother us about what we're doing, for the most part. I'm sure they thought we were crazy, but in the end when we got our DD safely, what could anyone say?

[rad]

We told everyone from the beginning with our first baby. They were maybe a little unsure about it but had the good sense to keep that to themselves. I think they've all just assumed that we'd homebirth again with our other babies so we never bothered to mention it.

[laughymama]

We told from the beginning. My family, immediate and extended are very close with us and they are very involved with every pregnancy someone has. They just love babies and all that comes with welcoming a new one into the family.
It would have been impossible to keep it from them.

Some are very supportive and excited. The others are unsure, think I'm nutty and don't really understand it. Everyone accepts it though and so far no one has said anything negative to my face. I'm sure comments have been made when I'm not around but for the most part they're all pretty positive. In fact most will be there for the birth so maybe it will be a nice learning experience for everyone who doesn't quite understand the 'whys' of my decision.

[shishkeberry]

My mother and sister know. My sister is very supportive about it. My mom wasn't really at first and even told me "well, you know hospitals are sterile, so they're safer.." I laughed at her. She doesn't fight me about it, though, and that's good enough for me. Not like it would change my mind even if she did.

My DP's sister knows too. It came up in a discussion when she asked me why I hadn't circ'd my DS. At the end of the convo she just said "Wow, you're kind of a hippie, aren't you?" I don't think she meant to be offensive about it. And really, I'm NOT a hippie at all! I'm just doing what feels right.

Is it really brave to have a homebirth when the main reason is that you're terrified of hospitals? I think the women who have babies there are brave! I had my DS in the hospital with just about every intervention on Earth and I was damn lucky to leave without a c-section. No more of that for me, thanks.

[isras1]

Congratulations on your upcoming HB!

Yes and no. As in, I just assume that they'll assume I'm having a homebirth. (I'm a doula and I have in the past apprenticed with HB midwives) I forget that some of them don't know we are planning one. It just feels so natural, so matter-of-the-fact for me that it doesn't occur to me to bring it up. Until, last night. My sister and I were chatting online and we were talking about the baby. I said goodnight and she piped in that she wanted to be at the birth, even if it was in the next room. Just the way she phrased it, sounded like she didn't know I was having a HB. We live in a one bedroom cabin, there is no room next to ours. lol. I'll have to clue her in and remember to tell family too. Good luck momma!

[emnic77]

Originally Posted by shishkeberry

Is it really brave to have a homebirth when the main reason is that you're terrified of hospitals? I think the women who have babies there are brave!

This is my line of thinking too.

My dh told his mother on the phone last night that we were homebirthing - she asked directly, so he answered (it hasn't come up before now) and she was surprisingly untaken-aback by it. She kept pushing the "but it's free in the hospital" card (to which DH responded with an insurance rant, ) but no dead baby card like we expected her to play, so that's good. She's like 5 states away anyway so I wasn't overly concerned with her reaction.

Here's the way I looked at it - I told my dad and my mother directly because I figured they would be supportive (my mother, surprisingly, was the one that questioned it most - she being a homebirth midwife assistant through most of the 80s, oddly). My dad doesn't "care" so to speak, it would never occur to him to think it's his place to judge our decision, if that makes sense. With dh's parents and other various people, we just kind of kept with the "if asked, we won't lie" policy but we decided to not just "announce" to everyone that we were homebirthing, because frankly, it's no one's business where our baby's born. So if we were asked, we told them, but otherwise we didn't offer up the information.

[lyshy]

We told right away as well. We were super excited. Most of my family is excited and supportive... my MIL just said "you are going to have your baby in the living rooom?!?!" I said no in the dining room or the bedroom actually. MY SIL just said "do midwives think its safe to have babies at home? Um.... yeah they do.... in her defense her husband is a very medically minded nurse.

[evjolin]

i'm 31 weeks and not sure what we are doing. current plan is hospital birth with mw and doula, but i REALLY want to try a HB. so we are meeting with a HB mw this weekend and deciding next week.

DH's family is super medical (father is retired CEO of a hospital) and at first i wanted to not even tell them, but then i realized, this is a great opportunity to educate and share. if i am HIDING my possible HB, then it just looks bad, like i am ashamed of my choices.

i realize some of you may choose not to tell people because you don't want to have to "deal" with it...and trust me, i don't plan on announcing on facebook any time soon, lol. but i DID feel with our immediate families it was important to let them know we are thinking about HB, send them studies/articles/information to educate them, and then have them email us questions that they want answered by our mw. (in laws don't live near us).

i want them to feel informed and good about our decision, and i think it is our job, as educated women, to help change the cultural thinking in our country. people need to know that hb can be a safe alternative--that it isn't an act of rebellion or a crunchy/hippie choice, but an actual educated and informed choice.

we know the risks in a hospital and the risks at home. and we know what is best for our family.

[VillageMom6]

Since you're so close to the birth already, I vote for telling folks after the baby has arrived. In fact, you don't have to bring it up at all.

If someone asks the unlikely question of "Where did you have the baby?", you can say, "Oh, we had her at home. It was a fantastic experience!".

Best wishes to you!

[harli]

It's interesting that this topic came up. My DH and I were just talking about this last night. We aren't pregnant now but I was birth raped by my doc at the hospital in the area (which is also notoriously bad). I'm really scared at the idea of going back there again so we decided to have any future children at home.

My MIL and MIL's parents have been pretty nosy lately about our parenting decisions and very vocal and obnoxious when they disagree with our decisions. This is a recent development but it makes us want to rip our hair out. We've never said anything about a homebirth before but yesterday MIL brought it up out of the blue and was talking about how dangerous it is and how women who do this must be crazy . So DH and I have decided to tell my side of the family because we know they will be supportive but we will have a "only answer if asked' policy for the inlaws.

[waitingmama]

Hi, and I hope you have a great homebirth!

When I decided to have a home birth early on in my second pregnancy my husband and I told everyone upfront. My dad jokingly responded "This is what we get for homeschooling you; now you don't want to leave the house for anything"-- everyone else freaked out quite a bit. My mom came around in the end and is a strong supporter after being at my daughter's birth. Like other people here, my in-laws already think we are a little nutty, this was just one more thing to heap onto the pile for them.

I, too, am about 38 weeks pregnant (with my second) and all I can think is that it'd be a shame for you to deal with drama in the weeks leading up to your birth. Now is a time for focusing in and, since you just decided to give birth at home, really preparing yourself for the experience. If your relatives are going to geek out, perhaps save telling them for later-- it will be a lot harder for them to argue with your decision once the new, beautiful baby is safely in arms. Blessings to you, baby, and family!

[bcblondie]

I told my parents and my IL's and it was the worst idea I ever had. Both sets were like "why in the heck would you endanger our grandchild?" And would NOT listen to reason about all the research I've done and how it's just as safe/safer.

In the end I wasn't able to get a midwife so I told both our parents it wasn't happening... The VERY NEXT DAY i got a call from a midwife who just moved into town!!
So I let our parents believe we'd changed our minds. I went into labour early and they were all shocked when I said it was a homebirth.

[seashells]

I'd protect my birth before worrying about the in-laws.

If you think they'll freak out, I would be inclined to not tell them. If it comes up afterward and they pull a "why didn't you tell us" thing, I'd just honestly say it was a last-minute decision. And if they still freak on you afterward, you can just think to yourself "well, at least I didn't have to deal with this while I was in labor."

That said, I did tell everyone beforehand about it. Everyone reacted well; my MIL and SIL thought it was a bad idea but they were reasonable about it, didn't shove their opinions down my throat and basically let it go very quickly. My father, like a PP, didn't care and/or didn't think it was his place to have an opinion about it. My mother is an RN and oddly it didn't occur to me for a second that she would have a problem with it, I think she kind of gulped and said "sure, I'll support you in that, honey." LOL.

[JennTheMomma]

We told our families before we even became pregnant. Everyone was supportive, even though DH's mom always worried. My mom was present when we had our son.

[Honey693]

We haven't told any family members or close friends. They would flip out and there's no way I can deal with 30 weeks of omg your baby will diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie.