Nervous Nelly

[UCmamaToMany]

Seriously, with this being my 8th and this being my 6th UC I would be an old pro at this and completely confidant, right?!

WRONG!!

With my 7th I was so petrified of the impending birth I started having panic attacks when some labor started. I had to take some Calms Forte to help me relax a bit when the real thing started, even then I KNEW what was coming and I almost didn't want to face it but knew I had to.

If it wasn't for my supportive husband in the whole procress I probably would have been at the hospital begging for an epidural.

This pregnancy was a surprise and very much unplanned (but very much wanted - just early IMHO). It came during a time when I was focusing on myself and was in the middle of a weight loss journey through surgery. Shifting gears from my weight loss focus to a pregnancy/baby focus has been very difficult for me. I still don't feel like this is real! I still feel like it's a dream and I will wake up no longer pregnant.

I know some of this is partly due to the fact that we miscarried in 2008. I'm still slightly waiting for the "bad news" to come again, yk?!

Any ways; this past Sunday I had 2 friends who where going to UC/HB and both ended up with hospital transfers. Still vaginal deliveries for them, but they both transfered. I've entered the 3rd trimester and knowing my past history of delviering between 37-39 weeks I know I am looking at 9-12 weeks left before baby comes.

I keep thinking that if THEY couldn't do it for their 7th and 6th babies, what makes me think I will be "lucky" yet again to have a problematic free UC with my 8th aka 6th UC?!

Of course these thoughts only feed into anxiety and I don't want to get anxious again and have panic attacks like I did with #7!!

I'm not sure how I can reconcile these thoughts and feelings and get to a positive thought process or even get positive feelings about everything going easy, well, and normal!

What do some of you veterans do? How do you emotionally and mentally prepare for a birth to keep things flowing positively?!

[wrappedupmama]

I didn't want you to get no replies so I'll try although I can't say I'll have any good advice.

I would really look into learning how to relax. Hypnobabies, or the Bradley method are two childbirth classes that focus on relaxing and letting go as a response to labor. They might be helpful.

I would also work on learning how to relax in general though. There are some good books out there. The Relaxation & Stress Reduction Workbook by Martha Davis Ph.D., Elizabeth Robbins Eshelman M.S.W., and Matthew McKay Ph.D. is a nice one. Right on the cover it says

"Simple, Concise, Step-By-Step Directions For Mastery of: Breathing, Progressive Relaxation, Meditation, Self-Hypnosis, Visualization, Refuting Irrational Ideas, Thought Stopping, Worry Control, Coping Skills, Exercise, Nutrition, Time Management, Assertiveness, Job Stress Management, Quick Relaxers"

You will have to work on relaxing both your body and mind and changing your thoughts in order to totally let go of those fears.

I might also suggest looking at what it is you think/feel you "need" to have done before the baby gets here. Often looking back at those "needs" it is silly, but during the time there is often something that a pregnant woman needs to accomplish in order to feel "ready". Maybe for you it is reading X,Y, or Z, freezing X number of meals, getting the house clean, having the birth kit all ready, getting the pool in place, etc. I can't tell you what your thing will be, but sit and really ask yourself what you need to get done to feel at peace and ready for this baby. Then work on accomplishing it.

A suprise pregnancy is often hard, espeicially when you were focusing on yourself at the time. Sometimes it takes until after the baby is here for you to get over it. Sometimes even longer. It can be really hard to let go of "well if I hadn't gotten pregnant then my life would be like this ____ right now." It will slowly fade with time though.

Sorry if none of that sounds helpful. That was my best effort.

[zoebird]

ive only had one birth, but i can relate to that idea of fearing that you might not be as lucky another time around.

it's a strange fear, but i think it is rational every time we are pregnant and birth. birth is safe, btu it also carries risks. those risks happen to real people, and sometimes transfer is necessary. it is just a part of the whole landscape of birth.

so for me, the real focus is on accepting that reality so that i can accept if i need to transfer and feel confident in that. then, i feel free to move forward with the UC plans with excitement and joy.

i don't know if you find this helpful, but hopefully a bit comforting.

[lunamegn]

I've had two wondeful homebirths - one a UC. I get nervous thinking about my impending labor. No matter how many uneventful, "perfect" (as some people like to call them) births one has had it does not mean the the next one will run as smoothly. I can totally relate to what you're feeling. I think it's also okay to let yourself go there. But just remember to remain positive at the end of the day. I think we set ourselves up for the biggest disappointments when we don't consider all the possibilities and outcomes.

s

[UCmamaToMany]

Thank you for the responses.

When I start getting nto those "what if" modes I like reading the OB/GYN boards or the "My OB Said What?" site along with other hospital birth stories from main boards all over the place. If I had cable I'd be watching those baby story shows to help me remember why I choose UC as well.

When I take individual situations and ask myself if I can handle them, it's always a 'Yes!'.

Still, no one WANTS to have to transfer or have a complication. Perhaps I put myself on a self-righteous pedestal a little too much. I want to be that "example" to others in that UC and even HB is "safe". Also I know there are some people out there who want to see me fail at my UC/HB just so they can say "See I told you so! You should have birthed in a hospital to begin with!" especially some family members.

I guess it's those pressures I need to work out for myself.

I know and understand the risks and benefits and by nature I am unfortunately a "people pleaser" which doesn't help myself any in trying to lessen the already self inflicted "pressure" to have a good birth, yk?!

I hate not knowing and I won't know until I actually give birth. This waiting part sucks sometimes, LOL

[Ottbabies]

This will be my first UC but when I do start to feel nervous and scared about the what if's? that would send me to the hospital I think back to my grandmother. She had 10 babies unassisted, on a ranch far from the city or any hospital. The difference is at that time and to her it was the normal way of doing things. I just get myself back in to that mindset and instead of being fearful I feel lucky that I have a clean space, running water not a well in the yard and access to a hospital should the need arise. Then I feel much calmer knowing this is the way my body is supposed to bring my baby in to the world. Oh and they were all uneventful and normal births

Can't wait to read your birth story mama, I hope you post one!

[zoebird]

i can understand those feelings.

i had a funny experience in that, while i was prepared for a painful birth with hospital transfer and potential c-section, i planned for a pleasurable, pain-free UC. i really focused on planning out that pleasurable, pain-free UC using everything i could to create it, you know?

so, apparently this whole thing made a lot of people (online folks) rather upset. i don't know why. but you are right. it's like they wanted me to fail. of course, i think they defined "failure" as just about anything, so there was probably no way to succeed really. LOL

i don't see birth in terms of pass/fail--i never see birth that way. sometimes birth needs help, sometimes it doesn't.

so, after it was all said and done--and it was a pleasurable, pain-free UC--a lot of online people apparently were very angry about it. i figure that's a lot of energy wasted on a stranger, but whatever. people can spend energy as they see fit.

honestly, i can handle the social chastizement, etc. to me, a part of UC is simply "doing what you need to do." if you need help, you get help. it' snot a "failed UC." it's a success. you did what you needed to do, you know?

[Captain_Crunch]

Originally Posted by zoebird

i don't see birth in terms of pass/fail--i never see birth that way. sometimes birth needs help, sometimes it doesn't.
.... to me, a part of UC is simply "doing what you need to do." if you need help, you get help. it' snot a "failed UC." it's a success. you did what you needed to do, you know?

I love this, people seem to think that UCers are die-hard do it yourselfers who are going to give birth unassisted at all costs, when I haven't met a single UCer like that.


I definitely know the waiting-for-the-other-shoe to-drop feeling, I usually get through it by taking stock. I acknowledge my feelings/fears and ask myself is there anything I can do to prevent this from happening? Usually the answer is no, so I choose to move forward and not think on it anymore. (If the answer is yes, I do my part to prevent xyz and then move forward.)

It's not magic, the fears don't disappear just like that.. they keep creeping back in so I start over again acknowledge, address, move forward.

Like Zoebird said it's not a failed UC, it's birth. The biggest part of UC in my opinion is being in control, whether you're at home all alone or in a crowded hospital room as long as you are there because YOU feel that is the right place for this birth to happen... then that is all that matters.

[UCmamaToMany]

Originally Posted by Captain_Crunch

Like Zoebird said it's not a failed UC, it's birth. The biggest part of UC in my opinion is being in control, whether you're at home all alone or in a crowded hospital room as long as you are there because YOU feel that is the right place for this birth to happen... then that is all that matters.

Very true, Zoebird and Captain Crunch. I know it isn't a pass/fail test by any means. I am very grateful for my husband who is my rational anchor.

Having plans for both UC's and transfers so we don't lose control is the biggest part of UCing. I know my one friend who did transfer this past week did just that. She transfered and was in complete control of her situation when she arrived stating exactly what she needed and wanted and how she wanted things to be done. I believe she got "lucky" or "blessed" by entering a hospital that didn't fear monger her into a c/s nor chastize her for trying another homebirth.

As long as I have a healthy baby in the end, KNOWING I did everything in my power to get her here the safest way I know how, via UC, hospital, or c/s; then I did my job as a mother.

I don't care what onliners say about my choice of birth, because I know they don't know me. It's still family that's the hardest to deal with. I don't believe I would have many negative comments or reactions though, so I really should stop worrying about it so much.

I just need to keep going back to my affirmation techniques and really start visualizing and meditating on the birth I want.

P.S. When I was talking with DH last night, he was building up my confidence and then added in there the whole "self fulfilling prophecy" bit, on how if I kept focusing on the negative or a bad birth outcome, then I would have a bad birth outcome.

Of course I quickly shot back with how I was far more negative and scared of #7's birth and that it turned out just fine and dandy. Made me realize I really shouldn't worry so much. I know my genetic make up and body type is really made for birthing. Even had a doctor comment on how "birthable" my body is - aka 'I am made for birth.' essentially. She said it had to do with my German genes.

As for my grandparents, I was saddened to learn recently that my grandmother and great grandmother on my mom's side both birthed in hospitals. My g-mother had the lovely twilight births and with not knowing much about birth, IMHO, she feels like her births were fine and "normal". It made me sad to know it took 4 generations before someone home birthed. And that someone was ME!! I only hope my daughters go on to birth at home too, to help break that bad cycle.

[finn'smama]

i think the more kids you have, the more you feel like you're pushing your luck every time, yk? i had a lot of anxieties around my birth this time, only because i felt as though my other two births were so great, how could it be that way again.
i'm not a uc'er, but my first and last were born at home and my second was a transfer to hospital (still mw assisted), it was hard to accept at first, but in the end it was still as a great a birth as my hb, because i was prepared and now i get more respect for my choice to hb because people see that i was also willing to transfer.
anyway, like zoebird said, there is no pass/fail with birth, i totally agree!

[Fruitful4Him]

subbing b/c I can relate to the anxieties...but I think you have received some lovely suggestions

[mataji4]

I know exactly how you feel : ) I am going through all those feelings right now too...pressing my luck, preparing for a hard birth but staying positive (my last was really a surprise how hard it was and I was not prepared!)...tough stuff. It's awful to think people would get off if I had to transfer, thinking I'm out of line for attempting a uc, and I'd get served right to put in my place, but I do know they're out there and it's creepy!!!

Blessings!!!!!!!!!

[cathicog]

I don't think "the more babies you have, the more you are pushing your luck" because I have assisted at births where the mom was having #12 or 14, and thier labors were just like any other labor and they had the baby at home just fine. You do need to be a little more knowledgeable for the higher numbers, I think, cuz things like a nuchal hand might come up, but otherwise, all things being normal, we just take each birth as it comes. Sounds like you are knowledgable and could handle it just fine....I think knowing When to ask for help is key in that situation. Most times you won't need it...

[phathui5]

Birthing from Within says that "worry is the work of the pregnant mom," or something along those lines. What you're feeling is normal. As a mom, I think it's in our biology to think through each thing that could happen with our children and try to prepare ourselves to deal with it. Birth is similar. It's ok to let yourself work through the "what ifs."