Would You...

[AnalogWife]

...have a 3yo birthday party with a dozen NT children and their parents (you/DP's friends) when with a nonverbal only-child 3yo who hasn't been "outed" as ASD?


DS turns 3 in less than three weeks and half of me is "heck why not" have a party but the other half is terrified. We haven't made any announcements about DS's dx, some know about his develop delays re: speech, but as time goes on it's getting harder to brush off...

[TzippityDoulah]

would he like the party? if he would i don't see the problem. just b/c he's ASD does mean he shouldn't have a party so I'm assuming i only understand part of the issue.... what are your concerns?

[Aridel]

I know that type of party would have been overwhelming and unpleasant for my daughter with ASD when she was that age. If you think he will have fun, go for it! If it may be too much, go ahead and have a smaller party, but find some way to celebrate.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

I'm going to second everything the two other posters said. I also wonder what you are concerned with as far as "outing" your son. Are you concerned that there will be judgement on the side of other people? If so, I think you may be surprised. If your 3 year old is nonverbal, most likely, any friends you have have noticed that and will be there to support you if need be.

[2boyzmama]

I remember Connor's first birthday party...it was just a few weeks after his diagnosis (not ASD, a chromosomal deletion). A few of the friends that came had not seen him in a while (we had recently moved a town away) and they knew before we moved that we were dealing with some medical problems, but when they got to the party, it was obvious that it was more than just a few infant medical problems. He was not a "normal" 1 year old, and the older he got, the more obvious that was.

So there was some initial discomfort, some initial sideways glances, some awkward questions...when I sensed the air changing, I offered up the information. Immediately everyone relaxed and started asking open questions and it generated good discussion.

Along this journey, I've been selective with what information I share with which people. Sometimes I just say "he's a bit delayed" sometimes I got into more detail, sometimes I explain about his chromosomes in more depth. It all depends.

In your case, everyone already knows that he has some developmental delays. It's up to you if you share the *cause* of those delays (ASD) or if you just keep the description as developmental delays. I mean, does the underlying cause really matter? If you sense that others are noticing more, asking awkward questions, etc, then you can feel free to share what you want.

If you think he would enjoy a party, then have one. Don't limit his fun because of your discomfort (or fear of your friends' discomfort). Now, if you think that he'll have trouble handling a big party, then scale it down.

I hope you guys have fun!!

[Linda on the move]

I don't know your DD.

For my ASD DD, a party with a dozen child would be a nightmare. It would be a complete sensory overload. She would HATE every single minute of it and melt down.

For many years, we stuck with immediate family only parties. She's 13 now and her last birthday party consisted of her, her sister, and two quiet friends. She went to her favorite resturant (which is a very quiet Italian) and then to a pottery painting place.

I think you are worried about the wrong things with this party.

[Lollybrat]

My son with ASD would not be able to handle a party with a dozen kids. He would have hated it: too many kids, too much noise, too much confusion. DS will be 6 in a week and we always do a small, quiet family get together for him.

What and when to tell your friends is a completely seperate issue.

[Kristine233]

I do for my ASD child as I would for any of my kids. If I don't know if we should do something I ask myself: Would my child have fun? What kind of party would my child like? Who would my child like to see there?

Anything else is just getting way too deep into over evaluating it and I stop myself from doing that. If its the other parents reactions you are worried about, dont worry about it. If they have met your child they probably already suspect or know there are delays. It doesn't matter if they know what his DX is or not. You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to. If they are uncomfortable they wont come. Same for kids.

Do what you think your child would enjoy and tolerate, don't over analyze.

[RedOakMomma]

We had identical twin 3-yo.s with PDD-NOS. One of them was super-social and LOVED parties. One of them is much less social and didn't care for them much (but also didn't freak out about them, either).

We always threw parties, and invited friends, cousins, family members...it's nice to celebrate them. As ds has gotten older (our less social boy), we've just chosen to have smaller parties that are more about what he really enjoys. This last year, for example, we made everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING) about his party yellow. So even if he didn't care to interact with the small group invited, he still enjoyed the sensory experience.

As for outing your son...are you worried about his feelings? If so, I'd share the information with the adults attending, in a more private space so your son doesn't overhear. Get the weight of telling people off your back...it's nice to just be open again. And like someone said, you might be surprised at the reactions. We had a few people say stupid things to us (), but most people had suspected and were very supportive.

Good luck!

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by AnalogWife

...have a 3yo birthday party with a dozen NT children and their parents (you/DP's friends) when with a nonverbal only-child 3yo who hasn't been "outed" as ASD?

the more I think about it, the less sense this makes to me.

If these are your friends, why aren't you talking to them about what is going on in your life?

Why would you want to have that many people in your house (which is a lot of work!) if they aren't people who you like and trust? Who you know care about you and want to support you when you go through something difficult?

If you aren't sure that these are people who care deeply about your son, why invite them to his party? If they care about him, why keep this a big secret?

I don't get it.

My choice about my child's party would totally be about what I believed my child would enjoy.

[TzippityDoulah]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

the more I think about it, the less sense this makes to me.

If these are your friends, why aren't you talking to them about what is going on in your life?

Why would you want to have that many people in your house (which is a lot of work!) if they aren't people who you like and trust? Who you know care about you and want to support you when you go through something difficult?

If you aren't sure that these are people who care deeply about your son, why invite them to his party? If they care about him, why keep this a big secret?

I don't get it.

My choice about my child's party would totally be about what I believed my child would enjoy.

I was wondering this too.... I think there is more to the story. Perhaps she will come back and clarify. ASD isn't something you should be hidding, and certainly not on your own turf. I don't go anouncing to the world about my daughter's diagnosis and so forth, but if people come into our home (her turf) I am totally upfront about whatever needs be said.

is there a reason you can't telling your friends?

[APToddlerMama]

I haven't read through all the posts since I have to run in a second but...

I would only have this party if I thought my kiddo would really have a good time and enjoy himself. I definitely wouldn't do it if I thought there would be stress involved for him.

Secondly, I am not sure if you are trying to hide his diagnosis or have just not had a change to share yet, but I think it would be better for you to share this with your friends before the party. My DS does not have an ASD diagnosis, but may end up with one. What is obvious to other people is that he is really developmentally delayed and has sensory issues. We try with all of our friends and family to keep them up to date when our son isn't around, typically on the phone. It isn't because we are hiding anything from DS. It is because people frequently say rude things or ask rude questions and he understands *a lot* so we don't want him to have to deal with that. Typically we can speak our minds about what is going on, let them ask questions, and then make gentle suggestions like "we don't like to put any pressure on him to 'say this' or 'say that.' His speech therapist and doctor have told us that is especially important not to do with children who have speech delays."..........or "He does much better when people don't speak real loudly or get too close to him in the first 15 minutes of a vist." This way they know what we expect and he doesn't get the impression that he is "different" from other kids in a bad way.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Originally Posted by HennyPenny

I was wondering this too.... I think there is more to the story. Perhaps she will come back and clarify. ASD isn't something you should be hidding, and certainly not on your own turf. I don't go anouncing to the world about my daughter's diagnosis and so forth, but if people come into our home (her turf) I am totally upfront about whatever needs be said.

is there a reason you can't telling your friends?

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

the more I think about it, the less sense this makes to me.

If these are your friends, why aren't you talking to them about what is going on in your life?

Why would you want to have that many people in your house (which is a lot of work!) if they aren't people who you like and trust? Who you know care about you and want to support you when you go through something difficult?

If you aren't sure that these are people who care deeply about your son, why invite them to his party? If they care about him, why keep this a big secret?

I don't get it.

My choice about my child's party would totally be about what I believed my child would enjoy.

I don't want to speak for the OP, but sometimes getting an ASD diagnosis can be overwhelming. Sometimes it just takes time to get comfortable about it for yourself before you're ready to share it with others. Sometimes working through your own feelings before having to deal with other's feelings can make it easier to answer questions and come at things from a positive view point. So, if that's the case for the OP, I can understand why the OP isn't ready to discuss this with people that she isn't really good friends with.

But I think doing what is going to be the best for your child will make it easier to decide who and how many people to invite to his party.

[TzippityDoulah]

Originally Posted by QueenOfTheMeadow

I don't want to speak for the OP, but sometimes getting an ASD diagnosis can be overwhelming. Sometimes it just takes time to get comfortable about it for yourself before you're ready to share it with others. Sometimes working through your own feelings before having to deal with other's feelings can make it easier to answer questions and come at things from a positive view point. So, if that's the case for the OP, I can understand why the OP isn't ready to discuss this with people that she isn't really good friends with.

But I think doing what is going to be the best for your child will make it easier to decide who and how many people to invite to his party.

that makes sense. the OP didn't say this so it was just left up to use to guess why she wasn't telling them... That said if this is the reason, maybe having a party right now just isn't the time. Maybe have a party when you're more comfortable with your son and his needs/wants/likes/dislikes etc.

When my daughter turned 1 we never had a bday party. I wanted to but she just couldn't handle it. (she presented very early with her symptoms) and around 18 months she was having a realy good spell - you know how things wax and wane... well we thought why not give her a bday now? so we gave her a yr and a half birthday party. She loves it b/c it was the right time for her.

granted she was young an wouldn't have known either way. But we wanted the chance to celebrate her life as up until that point so much was negative in her life. She has so many hurdles, issues and trials. so much poking and prodding of her for various test (before we realized she had developmental issues and not just health issues). We just wanted to have a time for her and for us to celebrate HER. It was good for everyone b/c it was the right time.

[AnalogWife]

OP here, apologies for the tardiness.

I'm concerned about DS's privacy. If it were me, I can't imagine what it would be like growing up with my parents announcing to everyone that I was developmentally delayed, it invites everyone to make judgments before they get to know the person. Not to mention what it might do to the way he views himself.

I'm still undecided about the party, but my DS is very social, it wouldn't be a problem to him, just me, I think I need more time.

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by AnalogWife

OP here, apologies for the tardiness.

I'm concerned about DS's privacy. If it were me, I can't imagine what it would be like growing up with my parents announcing to everyone that I was developmentally delayed, it invites everyone to make judgments before they get to know the person. Not to mention what it might do to the way he views himself.

I'm still undecided about the party, but my DS is very social, it wouldn't be a problem to him, just me, I think I need more time.

I totally respect your view and it makes more sense when you explain it that way, but just wanted to say being in a similar situation that ASD is not going to be something you're going to really be able to hide. You might be able to hide the official diagnosis, but you won't be able to hide everything else. You may be able to shield him from more negativity by sharing with people. I know we had been getting some comments from people who thought we just were in denial or weren't doing anything for our son before we started discussing it with people (privately when our son wasn't around). The opportunity to talk to people without him there is wonderful because we are hopefully able to shape how they act in front of him and like you say, how he views himself. People can say such rude things, especially when they're uninformed. I know you're worried about other individual's judging him, but my experience has been that if there is a name for something and a diagnosis (other than 'bad parenting' or 'attachment parenting' in my case from some people) it helps people wrap their heads around it a little easier and sometimes they're able to be a little more compassionate towards our entire family. You also need support and it is hard to get it if everyone else doesn't really have clue what is going on. Anyhow, I just wanted to throw that out there, but I do truly respect your decision. I wish you and your son the best regardless. hugs...

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by AnalogWife

I'm concerned about DS's privacy. If it were me, I can't imagine what it would be like growing up with my parents announcing to everyone that I was developmentally delayed, it invites everyone to make judgments before they get to know the person. Not to mention what it might do to the way he views himself.

This is really, really complex stuff that doesn't relate to the b-day party question.

Because my DD is older and we can talk about these things, I know pretty much how she feels about it. There's really no way that at this point her dx could be a secret from her.

She *likes* people to know. She knows she's different. She experiences the world differently. She doesn't enjoy some thing that most kids do, and she enjoys some things that most kids don't. She needs people to make allowances for her so she can participate in the larger world. Trying to keep this a big secret from her or from every one who is around her would only make her life more difficult *for her*.

To keep this private, we'd need to keep her at home and alone all the time. She couldn't go to school, she couldn't go to the Y. She couldn't go over to other people's houses. We couldn't have people over. She'd have no future.

Her response to many, many things aren't the same as mine would be because our brains are wired completely differently. There are numerous books written by adults with asperger's and a few written by adults with high functioning autism. (temple grandin is a great place to start). You might want to add some of these books to your reading list to get more points of view of how to talk to your child about his dx as he gets older.

Back to the B-day question, what and when to tell people is a deeply personally question. However, I don't think you should invite anyone to your child's party if there is any doubt in your mind to how they would react if you told them.

You don't need to tell them until you are ready, but your real friends will hug you, tell you that your child is the same person he was before the dx, tell you if you need anything they are there for you, etc.

The people who judge you or your child aren't your friends and don't belong in your house.

[Kristine233]

Originally Posted by AnalogWife

OP here, apologies for the tardiness.

I'm concerned about DS's privacy. If it were me, I can't imagine what it would be like growing up with my parents announcing to everyone that I was developmentally delayed, it invites everyone to make judgments before they get to know the person. Not to mention what it might do to the way he views himself.

I'm still undecided about the party, but my DS is very social, it wouldn't be a problem to him, just me, I think I need more time.

This is such a personal choice and I can respect your choice not to share.
As a parent I tell the people who are close to us. The parents of his friends know and my friends know. Why? Because I want them to know why he may be acting a certain way or be prepared for situations that may arrive. I have always spoken openly to him about what Autism was and what it means. I think we started around age 3 or 4. I have video of him somewhere saying that people should know about Autism and we should tell them. (as in, he may be different but is still the same, if that makes sense) Therefor I am his voice and make sure those close to us know and understand, it makes him more comfortable not having to pretend to be normal. I wish my parents knew about it when I was a child and did the same, it would have saved me a lot of heartache socially.

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

The people who judge you or your child aren't your friends and don't belong in your house.

I like that....for any parent with a child with special needs.

[Lollybrat]

Originally Posted by AnalogWife

I'm concerned about DS's privacy. If it were me, I can't imagine what it would be like growing up with my parents announcing to everyone that I was developmentally delayed, it invites everyone to make judgments before they get to know the person. Not to mention what it might do to the way he views himself.

I can relate to the view Linda on the move expressed, although my child is much younger than hers.

My DS was diagnosed right after he turned 3 and this week he turns 6. We have been pretty open about his autism. I don't think of it as announcing to everyone that he is developementally delayed. It is more of helping other people realize that DS perceives, experiences, and understands the world differently.

Even at this young age, DS knows the word autism and it is part of his self-identity. After all, DS has been reading since he was 2 and we have books and articles about autism all over the house, so it's not like we could hide it from him! Recently DS learned about Temple Grandin is excited to know that people with autism can write books and do other remarkable things.

I understand that you are concerned about how it might affect your son to grow up with people knowing about his autism. But you also need to consider what it could mean to grow up thinking that he should hide his autism.

It can be hard, figuring out whom to tell and what to tell them. You don't need to tell everyone right away or tell them everything. If the diagnosis is still new, you have a lot to wrap your head and heart around first. But you do need to know that there are consquences both to telling AND to not telling.

I completely agree that your real friends will support and accept you and your child regardless of his diagnosis. And anyone who doesn't isn't worth your time and concern.