Would You... - Page 2

[kme]

Hi there,
Chiming in a little late...

I had some of the same worries you do about discussing my son's difficulties. His dx now is SPD and Expressive/Receptive language disorder, but he has/had many of the same difficulties as kids with ASD. In fact, we just recently got this dx and the opposite is also true - just because you find out your kid DOESN'T have autism doesn't mean he suddenly becomes typical. He still has lots of issues, mostly related to language and abnormal movement.

Anyway, I was always leary of telling people he was in special ed, he might have autism, etc. However, most people could pretty much figure out that something was wrong. He wasn't talking at age 3 and couldn't sit still for 2 seconds. He was always jumping, running, etc. Once I told people, they were very supportive and understanding. There was only one person who was "weird" about it - she seemed DETERMINED to get him to talk to her - and so I basically stopped talking her to her about it. If she brings it up, I just say "He's doing fine." and change the subject.

I agree with the previous posters, your real friends will be supportive and it's not like you have to make a big announcement. I didn't. I would mention it when it was natural to do so.

If your son would enjoy the party, I say go ahead and have it. You won't be able to keep his delays on the DL forever anyway.

Good luck!

[Momma Aimee]

Originally Posted by AnalogWife

...have a 3yo birthday party with a dozen NT children and their parents (you/DP's friends) when with a nonverbal only-child 3yo who hasn't been "outed" as ASD?


DS turns 3 in less than three weeks and half of me is "heck why not" have a party but the other half is terrified. We haven't made any announcements about DS's dx, some know about his develop delays re: speech, but as time goes on it's getting harder to brush off...

not only WOULD do it -- did it.

At 3 (at his BD) my older son had NO WORDS at all .... we had all our freinds and family out for a big party like every year.

to me, us, the DX and the SN have nothing to do with it --

[AnalogWife]

*UPDATE*

Just wanted to update, we had the party 2 weeks ago, ds's dx remained under wraps and it's obvious something is "up" but I'm still extremely hesitant to trust people with information they don't understand. The very few non-CDS/med/fellow ASD-affected people I have told just complicate things. "Oh, that's not true." "Oh, he's just a late bloomer" "Oh, that's what they said about my sister's kid, they were wrong, now he's class president." "Oh, you read too much." "Oh, you believe everything you hear." I just do not need it. Not yet, nor do I need people's unspoken anxiety, I don't need them psst-psst-pssting behind our backs any more than they already do and least of all, I do not need their pity.

In time if DS wants to "come out" with his dx, I am a thousand percent behind him, but I feel like that's his decision. I have made subtle announcements that DS has some speech delays (completely obvious) and that he's starting preschool this summer. I breathed a sigh of relief that the school that fits him best has a very innocuous name rather than one that announces to the world that he's in Special Ed.

I guess the gist is that I don't trust people to look at him objectively once they learn that he has an autism diagnosis. It's like handing them a pair of lenses and telling them to look at him another way, he doesn't need me to do that.

The party itself was a success, as much as my son doesn't talk, he was admired for his use of ASL and goshdarnit, if he not just the cuuuuuuutest creature on the planet, he brings out the gentlest most caregiving traits in even the rowdiest of 5-8 year old boys.

[AnalogWife]

Wow, I just re-read what I wrote. I think the real gist is "I don't trust people." Period! Half is mama-bear keeping ignorance away from DS, but half is not being able to open my heart to friends and family genuinely caring about our situation. More to processsssssss....yay.

[Linda on the move]

yeah, but I get where you are coming from.

My DD is 13 and I'm long over what people think, but I had an old friend tell me this week and she just doesn't believe DD is autistic because she isn't like "those people." She was trying to say something nice about my DD *because she really likes DD,* but missed the mark by miles.

You might think consider if you have just one person in your circle who you can really talk to and trust who would be helpful in processes this stuff.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Originally Posted by AnalogWife

Wow, I just re-read what I wrote. I think the real gist is "I don't trust people." Period! Half is mama-bear keeping ignorance away from DS, but half is not being able to open my heart to friends and family genuinely caring about our situation. More to processsssssss....yay.

You are in a volunerable place right now and you can't deal with anymore. It's ok to take a step back and regroup until you are ready to deal with other people's issues regarding your son.

[Smithie]

FWIW, I feel like I STOPPED a lot of the "psst-psst-psst"ing about my ds by telling people about his dx. I feel like adults interact with him more positively knowing he has ADHD and elevated anxiety, and that's he's not just rude/poorly disciplined/a total jerk.

ADHD is much less stigmatized dx than autism, though. So it's a harder call. But if you cannot engineer situations to hide the symptoms and you have no hope that the symptoms will disappear as your child matures, eventually you'll probably decide to let your social circle know. For me, at least, it was a big relief. My ds' behavior was seriously abnormal at a certain point and it was the elephant in the room all. the. time.

[AnalogWife]

Thanks. I agree, it seems like it would certainly feel sunnier being out-in-the-open. I mean, I write a mommy blog and it gets a little hairy completely avoiding the topic, as of right now I think that if I *have* to say something, I'm most happy with saying he has a speech delay and that he's going to school for it, I think that will satisfy everyone and shut them up for a while. But as for telling everyone he has Autism, I can hear it now "Oh, you believe that racket? In the 80s it was ritalin, this decade it's autism, next thing will be jackass disorder, stop following every trend and think for yourself!" and I'm just not up for it.

[kme]

Analog Wife,

I hear you...my son is 6 and I still feel "in the dark" sometimes about who to tell and what to say. As I have previously mentioned, my son has SPD (severe, sensory seeking) and a mixed expressive/receptive language disorder. Most friends and family members know at this point and so do many neighbors and acquaintences. However, as my son ventures out onto his own at school, etc, I feel more protective of him and less willing to share the details of his diagnosis with others (esp parents of kids in his class). It is simply none of their business. I will tell people he has a language disorder because it is pretty obvious. However, the SPD part is hairier. There are many people who just don't believe in SPD, ADHD, etc. And they may automatically assume my son is a "behavior problem" which is not true.

At this point, I have been dealing with this for 4+ years and I don't really care what others think, but I do feel the need to protect my son's privacy more than I did when he was younger.

It is a lot to process and you are not obligated to tell ANYONE (other than those who "need to know").