Birthday invitation...awkward?

[camprunner]

My daughter (along with our family) was invited to her friend's birthday party. I told her about the invitation when we recieved it and she is excited to go. Not only that, the birthday girl had already told her the invitation was coming so there was no way I would have been able to hide it. Today, I found out that out of the four friends that were invited, 2 of them are invited to spend the night (not dd ofcourse). I am not seeing how this isn't going to present an awkward situation for us. The party is at their house. I'm assuming that these girls are going to be bringing their sleepover items and that dd will figure out that she was not invited to the sleepover part just by seeing them and hearing the girls talk. I should mention that it's not an obvious to dd that the birthday girl holds the other friends in a higher regard.

I understand that at some point she has to realize that things won't always go her way. However, in my opinion this is very poor manners on the part of the parents for planning the party this way. Is there anything I can do to minimize her hurt feelings?

Just to add...for me it would be different if 10 girls had been invited to the party and only two were invited to the sleepover. It's that half of them are only invited to part kwim? (They are 7/8 year olds)

[moonyoungi]

I think it is bit awkward but assuming your daughter isn't super close to this girl I wouldn't think too much about it. I hope the party is fun and everyone will be just enjoying the moment instead of talking about the sleep over. Is your daughter generally sensitive about these things?

[camprunner]

Yes she is sensitive to these things and she considers the birthday girl to be her best friend which is why I'm concerned. I think if the girls were older and knew the situation they would probably keep it quiet, but I know one of the girls in particular will probably won't.

[Katielady]

That seems really rude to me. Never encountered it growing up; if a party was a sleepover, everyone stayed, and they were generally smaller parties than non-sleepovers. It's like she wants to have her cake and eat it too- a big party, plus a sleepover. Would have been better as two separate events. Sleepovers are exciting- I imagine the girls who are staying will be talking about it a lot during the party.

I'm not sure what to do about your daughter. Maybe tell her about it beforehand and let her decide what she wants to do. It could be a good learning opportunity for her. She might decide to approach her friend to talk with her about it, she might decide to skip the party altogether, or she might be fine with it and just go and be a bit disappointed about missing the sleepover part.

[eepster]

Is it really a sleepover party where half the guest don't get to fully participate, or is it just a birthday party with a couple of overnight guests who are staying do to convenience. Sometimes certain party guests simply happen to also be overnight guests.

For instance, when we went to DH's cousins wedding half way across the country, we got to stay at the grooms house. This wasn't b/c we were closer friends with the groom than some of the other people attending the wedding (actually I had only met the groom once before) it was simply b/c it we lived far away, unlike most of the guests who lived in the same town. There maybe some circumstance that makes it much easier for these two girls to spend the night.

One possible situation would be their parents are going somewhere that evening and though they would have hired a babysitter it would have meant their DDs would have to miss the party, so when they RSVPed the mom host just said they could spend the night and not to worry about the babysitter. There are all kinds of other possible explanations, this is just the one that popped into my head.

[Alyantavid]

I think that's going to be really rough at that age.

I'd ask the mom what the deal is. I know, for me, I couldn't handle 4 of ds' friends at my house overnight, but if I was going to have 2 of them over, I wouldn't make that happen at the same time as the party.

[camprunner]

Maybe tell her about it beforehand and let her decide what she wants to do. It could be a good learning opportunity for her. She might decide to approach her friend to talk with her about it, she might decide to skip the party altogether, or she might be fine with it and just go and be a bit disappointed about missing the sleepover part.

I'm torn between explaining ahead of time and just letting her find out and comforting her. I figure there will be lots of times where I am associated with disappointment by necessity, why should I associate myself with it voluntariliy? What if the girls really do keep it quiet? Then I would have disappointed her for no reason. On the other hand, I'm wondering if it wasn't told to me so that I would prepare her for it....

Is it really a sleepover party where half the guest don't get to fully participate, or is it just a birthday party with a couple of overnight guests who are staying do to convenience. Sometimes certain party guests simply happen to also be overnight guests.

This would certainly make things easier to explain wouldn't it? However, it was made clear by the birthday girl's mother that birthday could choose two friends (out of four) to spend the night and those were the two that she chose. Both girls live close by (and are not sisters or related in anyway).

I'm not angry. I do, however, think that it is rude and puts me in an awkward position with my child and am just confused as to how to handle it with my child if she brings it up or doesn't understand why I definately going to try to get out of there a little early so she doesn't see the other families leaving without their daughters. I would never say anything to this family.

[camprunner]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid

I think that's going to be really rough at that age.

I'd ask the mom what the deal is. I know, for me, I couldn't handle 4 of ds' friends at my house overnight, but if I was going to have 2 of them over, I wouldn't make that happen at the same time as the party.

I know it's because the mom can't handle four of them. I think that she's packed her schedule so tight that it was scheduled on the same day just for convenience and to make it clear to the bithday girl that this is also part of her birthday. BUT it does seem to me that she didn't take other's feelings into account when she made these plans. If I'd known before dd found out then I would have just scheduled something else really fun on that day. As it is we may be on vacation the day before and we might consider just continuing the vacation to an extent....she will be upset though because she really does want to go.

[eepster]

Originally Posted by camprunner

However, it was made clear by the birthday girl's mother that birthday could choose two friends (out of four) to spend the night and those were the two that she chose.

Why would the mom go to the trouble of making that clear to you? Is she trying to be socially manipulative like you are all still in junior highschool?

[camprunner]

Why would the mom go to the trouble of making that clear to you? Is she trying to be socially manipulative like you are all still in junior highschool?

The situation was first brought up when we were talking in a group at another event and one of the mother of one of the girls who is staying brought it up. I probably looked a little confused in the way that it was brought up because it wasn't immediately clear that she was only inviting the two to spend the night because at that point, I'd just gotten e-mails to save the date without being very specific. At that point, she launched the explanation of the child choosing them and was looking right at me. I'm guessing that she didn't want me to hold it against her since I've been there for her a lot lately. DH and I are not thinking a lot of her at this point for allowing this potentially awkward situation to happen.

[LuckyMommaToo]

Wow, I would have a hard time sending my child to that party. I think I'd have to give my kid the heads-up. Sending them in blind seems kind of mean. I'd then let her make the call whether she wants to go or not.

Actually, given that you have the chance to be on vacation, I'd probably go with that route, assuming you can sell it to your DD.
-e

[zeldamomma]

I think I'd be inclined to extend your vacation. I can't imagine what the mother was thinking. Does the other girl who isn't sleeping over know? I would definitely give her parents a heads-up. It would be terrible to walk in to that blind.

FWIW, I don't think having four kids sleep over is much harder than having two.

[camprunner]

The mother of the other girl who wasn't invited to the sleep over portion was also right there and involved in the conversation. I think she had said something prior to that point in the conversation about not being able to attend but I can't remember. Also, they have not known the family very long at all and I'm under the impression that her daughter really doesn't even like the birthday girl. My daughter seems to always have to choose between her and the birthday girl when she plays though she usually chooses the the birthday girl. I've been trying to teach dd not to leave people out in the situation and to make a special effort to include the other girl. Which is another reason why I don't want to have her at this party. It's not reinforcing what we are trying to teach her if someone else does the same thing kwim? She might learn how it feels to be left out but that's no fun and she's not intentionally leaving the girl out.

DH is on board with extending the vacation an extra day so long as he can figure out a way to feed his chickens for an extra night. If we can't get an extra night where we are staying, then his mom lives about an hour from there and we might just make a surprise trip. We aren't going to tell her about it until we are there and just act like we are having such a good time that we want to stay or there is another activity that we want to fit in, etc.

Thank you so much for helping me think through this rationally. Part of me hated to back out of the party when the mom has tried to coordinate the date when all can go (I'm not planning to tell her either though). Now I can see that it's not just me that thought it would be awkward. I kind of expected DH to tell me I was being crazy but he was waaayy more upset about it than I was so I needed someone who wasn't in the situation. There are times to learn these lessons and I just don't think that it needs to be learned because of an adult's poor planning if it can be avoided. I would think that thte middle school ages or a bit earlier would be a better time.

[camprunner]

Originally Posted by zeldamomma

I think I'd be inclined to extend your vacation. I can't imagine what the mother was thinking. Does the other girl who isn't sleeping over know? I would definitely give her parents a heads-up. It would be terrible to walk in to that blind.

FWIW, I don't think having four kids sleep over is much harder than having two.

I'm thinking in this case it would be. They've had a lot going on lately, they already have four kids of their own, and one of their other children is having a sleepover the same night.

[pigpokey]

I can think of other situations where a mom has given their child that kind of power over birthday party invites and I think, "Why?" Never say never I guess, but it hasn't happened in this house yet. No, I don't think the mom was making a lot of sense here but she sounds like she has enough kids in her house to be potentially running on low fuel.

So one other thing I can think of is to offer if her daughter would prefer to have all 4 girls come to the slumber party and move it to your house by dinner time? If the mom is overwhelmed she might be grateful. Just be prepared to hear that the birthday girl chooses no.

[ChristyMarie]

Why not contact the mom of the other little girl who wasn't invited to the sleepover portion and see if she would like to spend the night at your house? Depending on how they are feeling about the situation they could either go to the party first or just skip it and do something fun at your house.

And then you'd be there to feed the chickens.

[geekgolightly]

Originally Posted by ChristyMarie

Why not contact the mom of the other little girl who wasn't invited to the sleepover portion and see if she would like to spend the night at your house? Depending on how they are feeling about the situation they could either go to the party first or just skip it and do something fun at your house.

And then you'd be there to feed the chickens.

Awwww! I think this is a potentially lovely solution to this problem. You could make a real night of it for them. They could celebrate over there and then celebrate more over at your house. If you're up for it, that is.

It was poor planning, IMHO, on the part of the girl's mother. I'm of the mind that either all or none are invited to a sleepover. I'd never even have considered throwing a party where some guests are excluded from part of the festivities.

[seashells]

And if the mom balks at the suggestion (of having the sleepover at your house) I think I'd be REALLY direct. "This has put us in a really awkward position. DD will be extremely upset to learn that of the 3 girls she is the ONLY one not invited to stay. I understand that having girls over for a sleepover might be hard on you, so this seems like a good way to handle it." That will be hard for her to argue, either she'll let you do it or she'll agree to let one more girl stay.

If shes says no, I think I would have to say no to the party, extend the vacation at all costs and reduce the "friendship" to a bare minimum.

Since you say the 4th girl will not be coming, this is even more HORRIBLE to exclude ONLY your DD. I consider that a friendship-breaker, absolutely. And would be willing to make waves with the mom if necessary. It's better that she pulls her head out of her butt and fixes this before it's too late.

[jeteaa]

the b-day girls parents might have a relationship w/ the sleep over girls parents that make it so they are more comfortable w/ who gets to sleep over. I can think of many times i have heard about weddings in which some people were invited to both ceremony and reception and others just to the reception. I think its a good learning lesson your your dd to attend the party, have fun but not to get upset over the not sleeping over.

[seashells]

I don't think it's analogous to the invited-to-ceremony-but-not-reception (or vice versa) situation.

Not unless EVERYONE got invited to both and only ONE PERSON got excluded. (And the reason for that was because that ONE PERSON wasn't cool enough, not because that person was an alcoholic or something like that).

While some people do sometimes get excluded, to set up a birthday party so that only ONE PERSON gets excluded is irresponsible at best.