Birthday invitation...awkward? - Page 2

[texmati]

And if the mom balks at the suggestion (of having the sleepover at your house) I think I'd be REALLY direct. "This has put us in a really awkward position. DD will be extremely upset to learn that of the 3 girls she is the ONLY one not invited to stay. I understand that having girls over for a sleepover might be hard on you, so this seems like a good way to handle it." That will be hard for her to argue, either she'll let you do it or she'll agree to let one more girl stay.

If shes says no, I think I would have to say no to the party, extend the vacation at all costs and reduce the "friendship" to a bare minimum.

Since you say the 4th girl will not be coming, this is even more HORRIBLE to exclude ONLY your DD. I consider that a friendship-breaker, absolutely. And would be willing to make waves with the mom if necessary. It's better that she pulls her head out of her butt and fixes this before it's too late.

I would not offer to have the sleepover, or to have a sleepover and invite the other girl. I do agree that the other mom is being kind of rude, but it's not OP's party.

I would just not go. I also would not make waves with the mom-- too much drama for first grade relationships. The daughter and the mom ahve a right to invite who they want.

It sounds like OP's daughter also sometimes excludes the third (or fourth?) girl as well-- it's the age I guess! I would work with her on choosing friends, and understanding how those relationships work, instead of strong arming invitations for her daughter..

[amcal]

I agree with texmati - I would not do the tit-for-tat and invite the girl to your house - that's just as unkind as what the mom did and, it punished the children involved.

I personally would just not go.

[seashells]

Originally Posted by amcal

I agree with texmati - I would not do the tit-for-tat and invite the girl to your house - that's just as unkind as what the mom did and, it punished the children involved.

I personally would just not go.

How is it tit for tat? What is unkind? Where is the punishment?

[SweetPotato]

What a bummer for your dd! I agree that it's quite inconsiderate of the other parents, but I would try to avoid making it into a bigger deal than necessary. I'd probably try to extend your vacation, if possible, and offer your daughter your understanding if she finds out and feels hurt over the situation.

[camprunner]

I would not offer to have the sleepover, or to have a sleepover and invite the other girl. I do agree that the other mom is being kind of rude, but it's not OP's party.

I would just not go. I also would not make waves with the mom-- too much drama for first grade relationships. The daughter and the mom ahve a right to invite who they want.

I completely agree with this. I am not out for revenge or to get dd invited to the other portion of the party. Only to salvage feelings. DH spoke with me about the situation last night and feels that we should probably distance ourselves from this family a little more to prevent similar situations in the future. I'm not saying anything to the mom because her decisions are her decisions (and I partly understand where she is coming from but feel there could be a more graceful solution). We will still see them but we might be "busy" a little more often. DD doesn't see a lot of people due to homeschooling and our being super busy for the last few months, so I'm going to start working to help her foster friendships in other circles in addition to this one. We are going to do our best to go with the extended vacation.

[npd]

What a yucky situation. We've been dealing with similar issues with our 6 yo DD and classmates' birthday parties.

It sounds like you have made up your mind - I think the extended vacation is definitely a good idea... I think if it were me I would be honest with the girl's mom - tell her matter-of-factly that DD will not be attending as you feel it would be very hurtful for her to feel excluded, even if that wasn't the intention. It may help to avoid similar issues in the future... Just my 2 cents...

[MtBikeLover]

Originally Posted by zeldamomma

FWIW, I don't think having four kids sleep over is much harder than having two.

I agree - I totally don't think having 4 kids spend the night is that big of a deal.

And I think it is REALLY rude of that mom to have 4 at the party but only 2 spend the night. My DS is very sensitive and would be heartbroken if he found out the others were staying the night and he wasn't.

I definitely would consider extending your vacation. If that doesn't work out, I would give your DD the heads up and let her decide if she wants to attend or not.

I'm pretty vocal too and if I knew the mom, I would totally let her know that this was going to be very disappointing for your daughter. I can't get over how RUDE this is!!

[momtokea]

I'm not sure what that mother was thinking. I think inviting half the party to a sleepover is simply rude and very junior-highish. I think the mother needs to grow up. I wouldn't take my dd, she doesn't need the disappointment.

The only way I can see this being okay is if the two kids sleeping over are cousins to the birthday child. Otherwise, I think it's just plain rude.

[amcal]

Originally Posted by seashells

How is it tit for tat? What is unkind? Where is the punishment?

The issue is that the mom is only inviting 2 of the 4 girls to spend the night. If the OP invites the other girl who wasn't invited to spend the night at her house instead, that's leaving out the other two (3 including the birthday girl) who are innocent in all this.

OP - I read your update and it sounds like you've got it under control. What a yucky situation

[yokosmile]

I think distancing yourself from the family is a big overreaction. I understand why your daughter might be disappointed at not being invited to the sleepover, but childhood is when we begin to learn the lessons of life and how to handle them appropriately. Sometimes we're excluded - yes, even by friends and family. It's a part of life. Sheltering her from it will not benefit her ultimately.

And I doubt the mom was acting with ill will. You said yourself she's been dealing with a lot lately. I doubt she gave this decision much thought, tbh.

Handle this gracefully and teach your daughter to do the same.

[Irishmommy]

Originally Posted by amcal

The issue is that the mom is only inviting 2 of the 4 girls to spend the night. If the OP invites the other girl who wasn't invited to spend the night at her house instead, that's leaving out the other two (3 including the birthday girl) who are innocent in all this.

OP - I read your update and it sounds like you've got it under control. What a yucky situation

I think your math may be off. There are 5 kids, OP's dd, birthday girl, 3 other girls. Birthday girl and 2 other girls are sleeping at BG's house. The suggestion is that OP's dd and the 3rd other girl have a sleepover at OP's house, so no one is left out of a sleepover somewhere.

[Tigerchild]

I think having 4 girls sleep over, depending on the girls, might be "a big deal" and harder than just 2, to be honest. So really, I DO totally understand the mom saying that she can only handle two. I'm not sure that just because another person doesn't mind 4, 6, or 15 that therefore it's no big deal to everyone else in the world.

That being said, my DD wanted to have her two best friends sleep over after her b-day party one time. It would have been easy to do, since it was at another venue than our house so for all appearances we could have just been giving them a ride home, and I see these girls every day practically so they don't trigger the "extra in my house overnight aaaughhh!" introvert reaction of mine. However, you can't expect kids to not to talk, I told my DD that she couldn't do that unless everyone at the party was invited, and I was vetoing that idea because I didn't want 12 girls spending the night, sorry, even though they're all delightful children and I enjoy them.

So I think this mom flubbed things by not owning the problem (I think there's a high probability that she had the ultimate decision of who her DD was allowed to invite). And I think it's in a little poor taste to have a birthday party at a home, where some people will have to leave and others will stay. OTOH, I am sympathetic to not wanting 4 girls spending the night. I wouldn't want that. Much as I adore all the kids in DD's class, 1 or 2 is my maximum. But I think there are ways to accomplish that that are kinder than others.

[amcal]

Originally Posted by Irishmommy

I think your math may be off. There are 5 kids, OP's dd, birthday girl, 3 other girls. Birthday girl and 2 other girls are sleeping at BG's house. The suggestion is that OP's dd and the 3rd other girl have a sleepover at OP's house, so no one is left out of a sleepover somewhere.

My math is not off. I understand completely. My point is that 2 children will be going off to have their own sleepover. The other children at the party will be aware of this. How is this any nicer than what's already happening? Either way, children are being excluded.

[Irishmommy]

Gotcha. I thought you were thinking that one guest was going to be excluded from both sleepovers. My bad.

[Just1More]

Wow. My dd wouldn't be going, period. Even if there was an offer made for her to stay after I explained why she wasn't coming. I wouldn't want the kids to say anything like, "Well, you weren't really invited, but after your mom talked to my mom, we had to let you come." Kids can be really nasty.

I would work it out for my dd to have a trump card, like how I know the birthday party was really important to her, but since we are on vacation and we found this super cool once in a life time place to stop on the way, we just can't make it back in time. She can tell the friend she has something neat to do, and just can't come to the party. Sorry.

This is an awful and awkward situation. Seven is far too young to deal with people like this. Children should feel safe...not unwanted in any situation.

I'd be irate at the rudeness.

[anj_rn]

I understand limiting the sleepover numbers, that was very common when I was a child, but usually there were 15-20 people at the party, and then only 2 slept over. BIG difference. OP also mentioned siblings of the b-day girl. I would let her go to the b-day party, but arrange something special for that night, so she knows there is something special for her to do.

[seashells]

Originally Posted by amcal

The issue is that the mom is only inviting 2 of the 4 girls to spend the night. If the OP invites the other girl who wasn't invited to spend the night at her house instead, that's leaving out the other two (3 including the birthday girl) who are innocent in all this.

OP - I read your update and it sounds like you've got it under control. What a yucky situation

I don't think anybody suggested that. People were suggesting that the OP offer to host the sleepover. The birthday girl's mother indicated that she was drawing the line at 2 girls to sleep over, so we are guessing she feels overwhelmed by hosting 4 girls. If the OP's mother is ok hosting 4 girls it might be the best solution for everyone. Birthday girl gets to have all girls, OP's girl isn't childishly and cruelly excluded, and birthday girl's mother doesn't have to deal with the sleepover. I don't see that as tit-for-tat at all, but a kind solution for everyone.

The way it's going right now, it seems the birthday girl will only have 2 girls at her party, as the OP is planning on extending her vacation because of the rudeness and the other girl's mother has already indicated that she won't be coming (and it sounds like a reasonable chance is that she doesn't care for the exclusive nature of the party either). So the fourth girl might actually come too if the exclusion is taken out of the equation. Not in the slightest tit-for-tat, nor is it leaving anybody out - it's precisely the opposite.

[TCMoulton]

Originally Posted by Just1More

Wow. My dd wouldn't be going, period. Even if there was an offer made for her to stay after I explained why she wasn't coming. I wouldn't want the kids to say anything like, "Well, you weren't really invited, but after your mom talked to my mom, we had to let you come." Kids can be really nasty.

I would work it out for my dd to have a trump card, like how I know the birthday party was really important to her, but since we are on vacation and we found this super cool once in a life time place to stop on the way, we just can't make it back in time. She can tell the friend she has something neat to do, and just can't come to the party. Sorry.

This is an awful and awkward situation. Seven is far too young to deal with people like this. Children should feel safe...not unwanted in any situation.

I'd be irate at the rudeness.

I just don't see how this is somehow rude - the mother didn't try and hide the fact that some of the girls were invited to spend the night (that, in my mind, would have been rude). She gave her daughter the chance to have two friends spend he night for her birthday and considering the fact that only four girls were invited total to the party I doubt they would be so catty to tease over who was spending the night and who wasn't. Two more girls really might be more than the mom can handle or maybe she feels that she doesn't have room in her house for the extra guests. Regardless, I would let your daughter make the final decision - let her know that a few of the girls are spending the night and see if she still wants to go. You never know - she might surprise you and not have a problem with the situation!

[amcal]

Originally Posted by seashells

I don't think anybody suggested that. People were suggesting that the OP offer to host the sleepover. The birthday girl's mother indicated that she was drawing the line at 2 girls to sleep over, so we are guessing she feels overwhelmed by hosting 4 girls. If the OP's mother is ok hosting 4 girls it might be the best solution for everyone. Birthday girl gets to have all girls, OP's girl isn't childishly and cruelly excluded, and birthday girl's mother doesn't have to deal with the sleepover. I don't see that as tit-for-tat at all, but a kind solution for everyone.

The way it's going right now, it seems the birthday girl will only have 2 girls at her party, as the OP is planning on extending her vacation because of the rudeness and the other girl's mother has already indicated that she won't be coming (and it sounds like a reasonable chance is that she doesn't care for the exclusive nature of the party either). So the fourth girl might actually come too if the exclusion is taken out of the equation. Not in the slightest tit-for-tat, nor is it leaving anybody out - it's precisely the opposite.

Seashells - I think there is a lot of misunderstanding on this thread.

I could be wrong but, I think you read the post wrong. The original suggestion to have a sleep over at the OP's house was from Christy Marie - this is what she said

Why not contact the mom of the other little girl who wasn't invited to the sleepover portion and see if she would like to spend the night at your house? Depending on how they are feeling about the situation they could either go to the party first or just skip it and do something fun at your house.

You are the one that took it further and suggested that the entire sleepover be at the OP's house.

My comments about children being excluded were in reference to Christy's suggestion that the OP invite the other uninvited child to just sleep over at her house after the party.

Your suggesting that the entire sleep over party be held at the OP's house came later after, it seems, that you mis read Christy's post. I could be wrong about that.

However, both of those suggestions to me seem rude and self centered. This party is not about the OP's daughter. This party is about the birthday girl. So, to suggest that the sleepover part of the party be moved to the OP's house or that the OP should host a sleep over for the other uninvited girl after the party moves the focus of the party to the OP's child and what's most comfortable for her.

I'm really starting to agree with yokosmile.

These are the parameters of the party. If the OP or her daughter aren't comfortable with them, they don't have to go.

But, to label this mom as rude and uncaring to me seems just over the top. We have no idea about this woman. No idea at all. We don't know her reasons for what she did. We just assumed she's heartless and rude. It's amazing to me how we tear other women down for their choices when we know NOTHING about them.

If the OP's daughter is uncomfortable with the situation, she doesn't have to go. But, I loved what yokosmile said about using this as an opportunity to teach about grace.

Every one of our children are not the center of the universe. Our children will not be invited to every single event. Every situation our children find themselves in will not be fair.

Is out job as parents to make every situation fair? Or is it our job as parents to teach our children how to maneuver through a world that isn't always fair and that doesn't always consider their individual needs and to do it with grace?