funeral?

[Raine822]

My girls are 19 mos and 2 mos. We have always taken them everywhere we go. This week we have to attend a funeral for a family friend. I'm looking for thoughts on whether or not I should take my 19 m/o. I feel bad leaving her with her uncle because she's always been allowed to attend anything we do but I worry that she will be very upset by the funeral.

[JL83]

I would not take the 19mo because she won't get it. At least, my DD at that age wouldn't have wanted to sit still or be quiet at the right times. It would have been stressful keeping her quiet and either DH or I would have ended up taking her out of the room so that she didn't bother people.

I don't think a funeral would upset or scar a 19mo.

Do you think your DD would get anything out of going? Do you think she would be able to be quiet for the length of the service?

[mum4boys]

I have always taken our kids everywhere including funerals. 19 months old it is doubtful it will upset her. I doubt she will understand what is going on. either but I do not think that really matters.

[Kristine233]

As long as they aren't disruptful I would bring them. I don't mind kids at funerals, it gives a lot of people comfort to see young children. Kids are just so possitive. At least tahts been my experience.

[Lollybrat]

I'm sorry for your loss.

It seems that whether or not young children attend funerals depends a lot on the traditions of the particular family. In our family, we do include our young children in funerals. Sadly, my son is 5 and has attended 3 funerals already. At the funeral parlor, we have always kept the children in a sitting room seperate from the viewing room, except for the final farewell. I have always taken my DS to Mass with me, so the church services were in a familiar type of setting.

[Drummer's Wife]

I say it depends on what you are up for - if it would be a struggle to take the 19 month old, then I'd leave her. If you think she'd be content, bring her along. I'm fine with my kids being at funerals, we just plan to take them outside/on a walk if need be. With an infant or toddler I'd put them in a carrier on my back (especially if you go to the cemetary) just so it's easier.

[JessieBird]

I have taken my DS to 4 funerals already (4 more than I'd been to in the 20 years previous). The most recent was difficult because he was 15 mo and wanted to wiggle and make noise but I was glad that I brought him just the same. Each time, I have sat at the back and on an aisle. Near an exit and stairs to the basement family area / Sunday school room if the venue has one (churches almost always do and funeral homes tend to have some kind of separate space for families) so that we could make an escape if necessary. Depending on your DD of course, I think it is very possible to be respectful and solemn while juggling a toddler.

The main reason I was glad I took DS to every funeral was the joy that he brought to others during the socializing afterwards. It gives people someone else to talk about, should they need a distraction, and children always bring a smile to sad faces. At 19 mos, I wouldn't worry about her being upset by the proceedings. Funerals are pretty abstract.

[tndixiemom]

I wouldn't take mine unless it was a close family member. That is me. I know how I grieve and I don't want to have to worry about taking care of the children when I want to be saying good-bye.

My opinion on this is it is one of those instances where you need to talk to the family members and what they say trumps anything you want to do. If you want to bring them, but they say no, you don't bring them. If they say it is fine, bring them. I don't think it is ok to bring them without asking.

[mystiquesmom]

Originally Posted by tndixiemom

I wouldn't take mine unless it was a close family member. That is me. I know how I grieve and I don't want to have to worry about taking care of the children when I want to be saying good-bye.

This. Neither DS's are very good at sitting still. For me, it's pretty stressful trying to say goodbye and take care of them at the same time. Unless it's for a family member, I leave them at home with H for funerals.

[ollyoxenfree]

You have 3 aspects to consider:

1. Your 19 m.o. - unless she is very aware, she probably won't understand what is happening, but she may be upset by the tears and unhappiness of the adults around her. This is especially true if she sees you crying and grieving. If she is very sensitive to other's emotions, it may be best to leave her at home.

2. Yourself - You'll have the distraction of taking care of her, soothing her curiosity and possible emotional reaction to everyone's unhappiness, and preventing her from being disruptive. It can add stress to an already stressful occasion.

3. The family and friends at the funeral. You have to be sensitive to their feelings at this time. Your 19 m.o. will have to sit quietly and respectfully through the funeral ceremony without being a distraction.

My experience with funerals is that they are overwhelming experiences, especially if there is a chapel service, grave site attendance and then a gathering after. They extend for the better part of a day. Everyone is emotional. It's hard to give a child all the attention they need at those times, as well as honour the deceased and the surviving family and friends too.

If you aren't expecting this kind of lengthy, emotional experiences, then you may find it easier to have your dd there. You probably know best how she will react, how well you will be able to manage her and yourself, and how others will react to her presence too.

[Raine822]

Thank you all for your help! We have decided not to take dd with us. Our friend(whose father's funeral it is) would love to have her there and she loves to go everywhere with us but it will be a very lengthy affair. She is very sensitive and will react to others crying and I decided it will be very boring for her. She is going to spend some quality time with my bil. Also we are taking our 2 m/o because she is bf and 2 children may be a bit much for us. We are going for support for our friend because he has very little family and we want to be available for whatever he may need.

[marrymeflyfree]

We have attended two funerals since having kids. DD1 was about 14 months at the first. At the second, she was 23 months and the DD2 was 6 months.

With both, they were fairly short services and there were no viewings. Both times, I was concerned that DD1 might fuss a bit and I didn't want to be disrespectful, but she was great. At the first, she started singing a bit after a hymn was sung, and I walked to the back of the chapel with her. The older family members later said it was such a sweet thing to hear as the service was being conducted. At the second, the baby slept, and my older daughter kept saying 'Tuba!' as the man played taps on the horn. Kind of cute, and I could see a lot of people smiling at her.