5 yo doesn't want to go to his dad

[Keetsmama]

Hi
Okay, it's been forever since I really visited, but I'm just so sick about this issue, and need some support/ advice.

My ex and I split 2.5 years ago, and have been divorced over a year. He has half-time custody, and we have two sons. Much to his displeasure, I still occasionally nurse the 5 yo- he is my baby and it works for us. I've been sort of half-heartedly trying to wean him. His father has been trying to force 5yo to wean, and went so far as to put him in diapers when he had ds. Ugh. I asked my aunt for advice and she reported him to the state DFYS. However, they've done nothing.

that's really the tip of the iceberg of course. Lately after ex forced to change back to a different schedule (from weekly changes to 2X per week) ds has been *really* upset about going. Ex also has no car, so I must drop of kids, and ds was sad and crying, and finally clinging to my door jambs, fighting me, and running away to hide. It was awful. I felt awful. Clearly something is wrong, to me. Ex is total jerk and says that ds is "fine 5 minutes later." (It's also all my fault because I milk it. Which makes me very angry b/c I do everything possible to make the transition easy.)

It came to head last night when I begged to keep DS and extra night, and he flat out refused. I threated the lawyers, and he promptly called his, and reported back to me that the judge doesn't care if the child is crying.
I think crying is an understatement.
have been trying to find a lawyer, but they don't want to touch child custody modifications. And I've talked to preschool teachers, counselors, etc, no one seems to care.

am I insane? Is this right? Is it really no concern to his mental health or should I try DFYS again? Hopefully some lawyer will call me back, but it's so expensive...

thanks...

[JunipersMom]

Courts dont care about attachment parenting, extending breastfeeding or really anything having to do with each indivdiual child. They treat all kids as a number - joint custody gets these days: insert days sole w/visitiation gets these days: insert those.. best you can count on is working it out with your ex personally. After that the only thing you can do is wait until he pays the money to bring it to court - stand there and admit you are not doing what the court expects and then do what the court expects from there on to not be in contempt.. sucks but true.. the ex has no responsibility to make it easier for you or for the kids transition wise - you are at the mercy of him and the court system (and your personal support system) to get through it.. and no matter what you say or how the kids act - unless there is documented abuse, you will not be able to change anything..
sorry to sound bitter - but better to put it out there so you can find youre own support than to beat around the bush and make you think you have some sort of influence in anything outside of your home

[lucysmom]

Rather than spend money on a lawyer, when it seems unlikely that there will be legal grounds to modify custody, I'd suggest taking your DS to a child psychologist who uses play therapy. That's one thing you can do for him that is in his control. He can have a place where he can say that it upsets him, makes him mad/sad/scared/miserable to go to his dad's, or to go back and forth if that is the issue.

My DD, also 5, sees a play therapist about every other week. She's gone for the past 1.5 years (we also split up about 3 years ago). Sometimes she is doing great, sometimes not, but the therapist is her safe person whom she can talk to about anything or nothing, and who supports that she has whatever feelings she has. I've found that it really helps her. I've definitely been through the crying about going, though I don't think DD's dad is mean to her -- and the fact is that if you can't change it, you have to help them develop the emotional resources to help themselves through the situation.

DD has become pretty emotionally resilient. I tell her a couple days before a transition that she might be unhappy about; she gets unhappy, sometimes deeply so, cries, asks for a different decision. But by the time the time comes for the transition, she's processed those feelings and is pretty matter of fact. She uses a "feelings chart" at the therapist's and has one at home that she made herself. Most days the "happy" face is displayed, but sometimes she isn't happy, which is OK, and she gets to display the sad or hurt or disappointed face, and that gets acknowledged and I can tell her I'm sorry she feels that way. It really, really does seem to help her just to be heard & acknowledged when there is time to really process her feelings.

So in sum: play therapist. Usually covered by insurance. Will probably be much more use to your son than a lawyer. (And I am a lawyer.)

Hugs. I know it is so, so, so hard to have to pry little fingers off of you and walk away. I just urge that you make a place for you and him to deal with this that is away from and prior to the transitions to and from his dad.

xxoo

[doubledutch]

ita with therapy for him. i also think he might really like to know (at a calm time, at your house) that wish he could be with you always, but that you have to follow the rules or you could be arrested, and that even though you and he are very sad to say goodbye to each other, you both are also very strong and will be okay until you are together again, and that you and he can even have a lot of fun doing other things when you're apart. i think it's important for him to understand why you make him go to his dad - that you have to, that you're not abandoning him, that you do recognize and care about his feelings.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Another vote for therapy. A court battle is going to be so expensive, with probably no result. And, if your ex doesn't support him being in therapy he looks bad to the judge. Therapy is considered a good thing.

Also, what is the court ordered visitation plan??? Is the court ordered visitation plan once weekly exchanges, or twice weekly exchanges?? You are WELL within your right to INSIST on the court ordered plan (if its the once weekly exchange and that seems to work better).

I seriously recommend AGAINST going back to DFYS - if your ex decides to take you back to court that looks REALLY bad for you unless there is truly some child abuse or neglect going on.

Also, a court will look badly on you nursing him. I know on MDC we all support child led weaning, but the real world doesn't unfortunately.

[justmama]

i'm sorry. i couldn't read and not respond. i just don't have any good answers for you. that SUCKS. hard.

[MissLotus]

You say you have two sons - how does the other child do on visits? Is he older or younger? Is he old enough to tell you if bad things are happening during visits? Is it any comfort at all to your 5-yr-old that at least they can go together? (I also don't get the diaper thing - ?)

It stinks that he wouldn't let you keep your son an extra night regardless of how your son felt - that's so upsetting. Is he ever open to a "trade" - like if you keep your son on "his" night if he's extra-upset, you'll give him one of yours?

Does it seem to be upsetting to your son that there are transitions more often now? You said your ex "forced" the change - in what way - did you go to court for it? If so, it would also seem that you could do the same thing. And... did you agree on 50/50 custody or was it forced on you? So many questions, but hard to advise without more info.

Although I don't have experience with the play therapy, etc, it sounds like a really good idea! And even just little things... though thankfully my son does not leave crying (he's older than yours) or anything, we still have our little routine before the transition. And I don't know their dynamic, but what if you have your son bring something to show Dad (I know it's reaaaallllly hard to play up the "daddy is great" thing when in fact dad is acting horrible and thoughtless), like something he made in school or whatever, upon arrival. Just something else to focus on, other than the imminent parting.

And are you able to have any phone contact during their visits? THAT at least is something you should be able to get, legally, if your kids are with ex half the time. Even if it was just a 5-minute call that first night away - you'd be able to say, "You have to go now, but tonight at 6 I'll get to hear about what you did today, so have a good time!"

I'm sure a therapist would have more advanced ideas - just don't give up if your heart is telling you something isn't right beyond normal separation anxiety.

[One_Girl]

In my state we had to go to a class before divorcing and the judges said that kids don't get a say in whether to follow the custody arrangement until they are 18 whether they want to go or not isn't an issue. If your custody plan doesn't give him the plan he is trying to push on you then he has no legal options, if it does though then you have to send him until you can prove to the court that his dad is harming him. I think you should be vary cautious about trying to do that though, especially if your other child has no problem going and he is just having a hard time adjusting to stricter expectations because it could backfire and he could wind up with more or even all of the custody if the judge thinks you are being frivolous. I think therapy can be a good way to help him through this, but if this is a new thing then they may both need more time to get used to each other. Talking to him about not telling his dad that he nurses and reminding him that he can nurse again once he gets home may help protect him from his dads desire to see him act the way he believes five year olds should act.

[lucysmom]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

Talking to him about not telling his dad that he nurses and reminding him that he can nurse again once he gets home may help protect him from his dads desire to see him act the way he believes five year olds should act.

Just a caution about this. I think it is a bad idea ever to ask your kid to mislead the other parent about true facts. Once you start, it's hard to stop, and it unfairly puts the kid in the middle. You could explain "not everyone approves of nursing at your age, and that includes your dad," and your DS might make up his own mind not to share that information once he grasps that his dad won't respond positively. But to say "remember not to tell you dad X" sets a really unfortunate frame for the child, I'm afraid. After all, if X is OK, why is it bad to talk about it?

For older kids, I do think it's fine to talk about your own privacy (e.g., "I'd prefer it if you didn't share with other people" -- not just dad -- "that I've been diagnosed with diabetes because I am still trying to figure out how I feel about it & need some time before I talk with other people outside of our family about it.") But it's different when it is a fact about the child him or herself, and different when you are asking him or her to keep a true fact from the other parent specifically. Pretty much, it seems to me that kids have to be free to talk with either parent about anything they feel like talking about. Anything else seems like it puts the kid in an emotional box that he should not be in.

[Keetsmama]

Thanks for the responses and support. It's good to have that much at least. I am taking him to a child psychologist, and we'll see how that goes. More later

Thanks