Why am I like this?

[bcblondie]

I often feel like people are out to get me. Like people say things purposely to make me look/feel bad or make themselves look/feel good. Or that they have hidden agendas behind why they do things.

Like, most of the time I can take advice, if I can see their point. But sometimes I feel like they only want to bring up bad qualities of mine, and they disguise it as "advice."

Somestimes this happens and I'll feel down for the whole rest of the day. And often I want to do something dramatic as a result, like say, never speaking to that person ever again, or something.

I know this is kinda vague and I'm not sure if there's anything any of you can do to help me, but I'm open to interpretations of why I'm like this, or what could help me.
Thanks in advance.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

You sound alot like me. I always take what people say to me to heart, and then obsess over it for a while. I have gotten better, and it was WAY worse when I was pregnant. I am an emotionally fragile person to begin with, and then add in the hormones, I was crying at work once or twice a week!

I try to tell myself that the other person probably is not thinking about ME right now, so whats the use in obsessing about THEM and wasting all this energy on negative feelings? Sometimes this works, and sometimes it doesnt. I also try to inundate my thoughts with lovely things when I start to get obsessive. I picture my children laughing or playing with eachother. When the thoughts of insert-unpleasent-encounter-here start to creep up again, I try to intercept.

I also try to tell myself that if I have a problem with every person I encounter, then it must be MY problem, so I must fix it.

I know I could benefit from counseling, but since I have a problem with self esteem, i am a bit scared of opening pandoras box.

Are you in counseling?

[sebandg'smama]

I wonder if you are suffering from the "spotlight" effect. Most of us do.
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/shyness-a...ht-effect.html

Are you asking people for their advice? I have learned to only ask people who truly love and care for me for advice only when I really need it. I first go to books or MDC to find answers and see if I can apply it to my life. If I am really stuck I ask a trusted person.

-Melanie

[Kivgaen]

I believe that your insecurities are rooted in a low self esteem. The fears that you are projecting onto others -- those aren't their thoughts -- they are YOURS. You feel, either consciously or subconsciously, that there is something wrong with you. Maybe you feel like you are different, that you don't fit in, that no-one really thinks the way that you do, or whatever... and that this is a BAD thing... (Of course it's not a bad thing, BTW... none of us wants a world where everyone is just a copy of everyone else. Think about how boring that world would be?)

Are you sure that these fears that you are projecting onto their thoughts aren't just your own fears or insecurities, or that there is something that you don't like about YOURSELF?

Figure out what it is that is bothering you about YOU. If you don't like it -- change it! Make a plan, break it down into small, managable steps, order them to a way that is meaningful, and start with the first one. Then start ticking them off one by one.

For example -- I don't like that I'm out of shape. I know the solution: eat less, eat right, drink water, exercise more. But that's too generic. So I break it down into more managable steps:

1) Start having a healthy breakfast
2) Go to bed at a decent hour
3) Do 30 minutes of strength training on Mondays, Thursdays and Saturdays. (Make it specific -- specific things that you will do)
4) Twice a week, spend 10 minutes on the computer researching nutrition. Find 1 recipe that I want to try. Add the ingredients to my weekly shopping list.

etc.

If the thing that you don't like about yourself is that you have a low self esteem, maybe things that you would do to help with that is:

1) Make a goal of something that you can do every day. It should be a challenge (something you don't like doing), but a goal that is still attainable. (For me, it was to do 1 load of laundry -- washing, drying, folding AND putting away).
2) Do the task -- every day
3) Reflect on the task at the end of the day. (maybe write in a Journal?)
4) Reward yourself for your EFFORTS (not results).


I know that was a really long, wordy post. Sorry about that But your post just SCREAMED low self-esteem to me... If I'm totally off base, I apologize. But anyway, only you can figure out why you have a low self esteem, and only you can change it. But you CAN change it. You just need to figure out what it is that bothers you, and make a plan (small baby steps) and do the steps.

[bcblondie]

Thank you all for your replies. They kinda made me tear up a little.

Barbie those are defiantely good points. These people aren't obsessing about me so why do I obsess about them? I've tried to give myself a leg up in this department by deleting people on facebook that make me feel bad about myself. Then at least I'm not constantly reminded out of the blue of all my flaws.
I'm not in councelling because I don't think we could afford it. And maybe this is just going back to square one again but I suspect the worst of therepists too, that they drag out the sessions and charge an arm and a leg to do nothing but listen, well I could write in a journal for free, kwim? lol.

Sebandg's that could be!! For example, I KNOW I'm a bad singer, and when I'm singing in church I always feel like the people in front of me are saying "eeep! So terrible!" and whispering about me to eachother!!"
And no I'm absolutely not asking these people for advice. I get way too much advice as it is (as I'm sure all mom's have experienced.) If I DO ask for advice it's someone I love and trust and I accept their answer as honest. Like from you guys. I know you have no reason to make me feel bad about myself. You want to help me

Kivgaen it's possible. For example, when people comment on how I look I often take it wrong. And I KNOW deep down they mean well but I always wonder why they word it the way they do. MIL especially. Like the other day she said I "had the pregnant look." wth does she mean by that?! do I look pudgy? Is my hair greasy? But maybe she just meant I had a happy glow! Who knows. (I'm not pregnant)
I also had a similar problem when I WAS pregnant. If people commented on how big or small I was I always took it wrong. Why can't people just say you look good and leave it at that?
One problem that I hate about myself, that I feel very selfconcious about is my separated abs. I always feel like I look pregnant even though I've lost all the weight. I've tried to fix it with core exercises and gotten nowhere If you have advice about this I'd love to hear.
Other things I get comments on a LOT are my parenting choices, homebirthing, extended BF'ing, non vaxing, cloth for everything, type stuff. And I've done the research and I'm very assertive in my choices, and yet people's comments on it really aggrivate me. Like they insult my choices just so they have a reason not to do these things themselves, kwim? THey're too lazy to research so they just follow like sheep. And they sidehandedly personally attack me in the process which upsets me for the whole day, even though I'm confident in my decisions...
I'm not sure what to do about that

Again, thank you all so much for your imput. <3 I really appreciate it.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

About the abs, I have NO IDEA. I, too, have lost 10 pounds more then what I was when I first started having babies, but I still (to me) look about 3 months pregnant because of my stretched out abs. Granted I dont work all THAT hard at it, but I do try, and still, NOTHING. Short of surgery, which AINT HAPPENING, I dont know what else I can do, so I try to accept.

About judging your choices. Is there some way you can avoid having to discuss your decisions all together? I don't vax, and I just dont talk about it. If its brought up, I answer qs as vaguly as possible, and only one person has EVER argued with me, and she lives 1600 miles away and we mostly communicate through emails. So its easy to tell her to DROP IT.

Instead of thinking they are just insulting you because they are lazy and dont want to do it themselves, try to look at it from their perspective. They may feel just as strongly about their choices as you do about yours. They are just more vocal about thinking yours are WRONG, then you are about how THIERS are wrong, you know?

[bcblondie]

Yea I guess so. But I've tried just "not talking about" before and it just kinda made me depressed that I couldn't speak my mind, kwim? I ended a friendship with someone close to me because everytime I talked about anything "crunchie" she'd flame me for pressuring people, but she could talk about HER choices all she wanted. So for a while I was like screw it. I won't say ANYTHING about cloth or vax's etc... But after I while I just started feeling like I had a dog muzzle on my face. So I deleted her and now I can be myself again. (oh and funny sidenote. This girl is now cloth diapering )
And I know what you're thinking. "maybe I AM to pushy with the crunchie" but I'm not. Ok I've been known to get carried away about vax's because it's seriously our child's HEALTH at stake here, like, do some research people. The people who are saying "well... doc's wouldn't give us vax's if they weren't necessary!" haven't researched...
But cloth diapers and stuff i just make it known that we do it (pictures and whatnot) and sometimes people msg me for more info. I'm not pushy.

[lolar2]

Sounds like an anxiety issue. That can be helped with counseling and/ or with medication. Also are you taking any medication? Some medications, such as corticosteroids (prednisone, cortisone) can cause that type of anxiety.

[Kivgaen]

Regarding the abs thing... I just found this website... it sounded interesting! I haven't tried it yet, but I will check it out.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/78...nancy-stomach/

What's your BMI? I read that it needs to be around 10-12% before you really start to see your abs. So the best kind of exercise would be strength training exercises, so you can build your muscle, reduce your BMI and burn more calories. You want to focus on the exercises where you are doing a lot of "work" in your workout (work = force*distance. Force is the amount of weight you moved, and distance is how far you moved that weight. (it only counts if you move the weight AGAINST gravity. pushing something vertically along the floor technically doesn't count as "work"). So if you did 2 sets of 10 repetitions of lifting a 50 pound weight 2 feet, the amount of "work" you did was 2000 lb*ft).

[bcblondie]

Originally Posted by lolar2

Sounds like an anxiety issue. That can be helped with counseling and/ or with medication. Also are you taking any medication? Some medications, such as corticosteroids (prednisone, cortisone) can cause that type of anxiety.

Nope I'm not on any meds. I always have been a worrywort though. Before having my son I used to take at least an hour to fall asleep. I just could not stop thinking about all the crap that I had to do, or that had happened. I just keep replaying stuff in my mind. (now that I have ds I'm so exhausted I konk out pretty quick though lol.)
Does that sound like a symptom of anxiety?

Originally Posted by Kivgaen

Regarding the abs thing... I just found this website... it sounded interesting! I haven't tried it yet, but I will check it out.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/78...nancy-stomach/

What's your BMI? I read that it needs to be around 10-12% before you really start to see your abs. So the best kind of exercise would be strength training exercises, so you can build your muscle, reduce your BMI and burn more calories. You want to focus on the exercises where you are doing a lot of "work" in your workout (work = force*distance. Force is the amount of weight you moved, and distance is how far you moved that weight. (it only counts if you move the weight AGAINST gravity. pushing something vertically along the floor technically doesn't count as "work"). So if you did 2 sets of 10 repetitions of lifting a 50 pound weight 2 feet, the amount of "work" you did was 2000 lb*ft).

I'm a little confused because BMI is not a percentage. lol. I do know that my BMI is low, like 19. But I'm not sure what my fat percentage is. I'm 132ish pounds and 5'9. If I flex I can see some ab definition (mostly up top) but there's still that gap that runs along the midline. I've tried core workouts like the link you posted.
this one
http://babyfit.sparkpeople.com/articles.asp?id=805
Which I think is great. But I don't know why it's not working

[tanyam926]

My dad is exactly how you describe yourself. He is very insecure though and has been hurt many times his entire life.

I would suggest some counseling so that you can talk through things and begin to gain some perspective. I know my dad would benefit greatly from it if he wasn't so stubborn and against anything involving sharing feelings and introspection.

The fact that you recognize this in yourself is a HUGE step, you can begin to work towards a place of loving and appreciating yourself, and when you do that you are more likely to believe that others will too.

Hugs to you, I can understand where you are coming from. I feel like I have gotten to a point in my life (at the wise old age of 29 ) where I can see and believe all the great things about myself, and in turn see the good in others as well.

[bcblondie]

Thanks tanya <3

[Kivgaen]

Originally Posted by bcblondie

I'm a little confused because BMI is not a percentage. lol. I do know that my BMI is low, like 19. But I'm not sure what my fat percentage is. I'm 132ish pounds and 5'9. If I flex I can see some ab definition (mostly up top) but there's still that gap that runs along the midline. I've tried core workouts like the link you posted.
this one
http://babyfit.sparkpeople.com/articles.asp?id=805
Which I think is great. But I don't know why it's not working

I was probably confused... I meant percentage of body fat... You mentioned that you do a lot of "Core" exercises, but what about just generic strength training?

[bcblondie]

Nope. Nothing. I used to strength train when I was a lifeguard. Free access to the gyms. But now I find it hard to pay money to go to a gym, when lifting my 25 lb baby is quite a workout in itself. Only the arms though. lol.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

Yes. Me too. Same issue.

Medication only helped even out my depression, but Cognative Behavioral Therapy works wonders...the "change your tape" approach.
I was astonished at how much I beat myself up in my own head about things that other people never thought twice about.

I still get in ruts, but I've had a sign on my fridge for about 10 years now that says, "Only you can change your tape". It reminds me that it's my opinion of myself that matters most so I need to reflect on what I'm saying over and over in my head.

((hugs))

[Kivgaen]

Originally Posted by HappilyEvrAfter

Yes. Me too. Same issue.

Medication only helped even out my depression, but Cognative Behavioral Therapy works wonders...the "change your tape" approach.
((hugs))

Where do you go for such "cognative Behavioural Therapy", and how much does it cost?

My inner voice is being very damaging today, and I'm not exactly sure how to turn it off.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

Originally Posted by Kivgaen

Where do you go for such "cognative Behavioural Therapy", and how much does it cost?

My inner voice is being very damaging today, and I'm not exactly sure how to turn it off.

There is actually a ton of information on the internet about it, but I was with a therapist when I first started it. ETA: Sorry, can't comment on the cost. It was done through a civilian doctor with the military for me.

If I remember correctly, he first had me spend a couple of weeks journaling every timeI caught myself having a negative feeling and the detail surrounding the incident that preceeded the thoughts.

Then we sat down with the journals and brainstormed ways to turn the key, recurring thoughts into something a little more postive even if they were still critical. Critical is alright as long as it end with a helpful solution instead of more downing.

Once we noticed a trend with certain areas where I was focusing my negative thoughts, we came up with catch pherases that were specific to me. Kind of like a mantra. I'd then use those mantras to replace whatever negative thought was begining to happen.

I imagine that my mind is a cassette tape on a perpetual loop that has to be played, listened to, and then recorded over in the places that are unhelpful.

It's all about recognizing a behavior and the retraining your mind to overcome the harmful bits of it.

It took some time and I have fall backs, but recognition of the behavior that's deconstructing you is really the toughest part.

Another of my issues was realizing I had to envelop that inner critical voice. I always saw it as an exterior part of me....like some little critic standing in the corner pointing it's finger at me. I had a problem remembering that this inner voice was MINE, which means *I* have power of IT...not the other way around.
YOU have the power to shut that negative voice up or change what it's saying...not the other way around.
When you imagine that little inner critic is part of "the little people in your head" and not standig apart from them, then you can draw strength from it instead letting it bring you down. Strength in numbers.

Make sense? My therapist encouraged me to see facets of my personality in the form of individual little people all grouped together for strength. That little inner critic had broken away from the group so it could make fun of the rest of them instead of being constructivly critical for the sake of the group.
Kind of like playground antics of children. YKWIM? Brought all together kids can accomplish a great many things becuase they bring so many individual postitive traits together, but broken apart they can single out all the negative acts easier.

That may sound totally looney, but it helped me tremendously.

[Kivgaen]

Originally Posted by HappilyEvrAfter

If I remember correctly, he first had me spend a couple of weeks journaling every time I caught myself having a negative feeling and the detail surrounding the incident that preceeded the thoughts.

[snip...]

That may sound totally looney, but it helped me tremendously.

Compared to the way I'm feeling right now, nothing would throw me off or sound "loony"

I like the idea of starting a journal, but I never really knew how, or what to write. Thanks for the suggestion on a direction to take. To start collecting my negative thoughts in the journal, the incident that preceded it, and the thought that I was thinking and feeling as a result, will be a tremendous help to me, even before I start going to see a psychologist. I always kept a journal in the past but I would focus on the positive things, not the negative. I guess I feared that if I wrote down the negative thoughts, that it would kind of set them in stone, so to speak, and make them even MORE powerful or damaging.

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by bcblondie

Nope I'm not on any meds. I always have been a worrywort though. Before having my son I used to take at least an hour to fall asleep. I just could not stop thinking about all the crap that I had to do, or that had happened. I just keep replaying stuff in my mind. (now that I have ds I'm so exhausted I konk out pretty quick though lol.)
Does that sound like a symptom of anxiety?

Yes, that is a classic anxiety symptom. In fact it's very nearly the definition of anxiety.

As for cognitive behavioral therapy, that is a pretty common technique for psychologists and clinical social workers. You basically could look up your insurance (or your local sliding-scale clinic), call around and say to each therapist "I'm looking for someone who does cognitive behavioral therapy," and find someone in very few tries.

[bcblondie]

Ok. Maybe negativity in general is my problem. Would you girls mind if I kinda kept a journal here in this thread?

Today what is upsetting me at the moment is Dh put DS down for me about a half hour ago. He's STILL alternating whining and babbling. I can't decide whether to go get him or leave him. I don't know which would make it worse. And it brings me back to the frustration of "maybe I should have just put him down myself" type thoughts.

And then after thinking this I feel guilty because currently a family friend's newborn is in critical condition. He has menengitis and it's not looking good right now. 1 step forward 2 steps back. So then I feel super guilty for being upset with ANYTHIGN in my life because well crap. At least my kid's healthy.

And also I'm a little stressed because I could be pregnant (hoping I am) and I told myself I wouldn't test til af was late. (monday.) So everytime I have the thought that I'm not, I get down. Or when I'm optimistic that I am, I know I'll feel stupid in the future if I find out I'm not...