musical rant...

[nelson]

I am new here, but I had a situation today that made me realize that I needed help. My DS is 2 yrs. old and has very high energy, but is also very gentle and sensitive. We have recently begun a music class where he has trouble sitting still (duh), today when the "teacher" brought out the instruments for the kids, everyone was told to "sit down and they will be passed around." DS had trouble at first wanting to touch them, but eventually sat in the semi circle waiting his turn. Well, for some reason the teacher decided to start with the person next to him and handed out all the instruments and let all the kids except him and another very small child touch them. He was even sitting still just waiting and she finally said "okay, now let's put them away," purposely not letting him have a turn. I didn't know what to do, I was going to ask her after class why she didn't let him take a turn and when the time came I just said, "thank you." I just feel like I am setting a pattern for my DS to not stand up for himself, like I never have been able to do. I see a lot of kids pushing him and taking his toys and he never does anything except let them. Maybe it bothers me more than it does him at this point, but the instrument thing really got me because it was and adult who should have known better not some other kid. Should I say something to her at the beginning of next weeks class or will she have already forgotten the incident? I just want my son to see me stick up for him so he can learn to do it for himself someday. I am so sick of getting stepped on and just shutting down instead of saying something right away- what can I do?

[ps4624]

Absolutely speak up! It doesn't have to be confrontational, but just express to the teacher that your son was excluded and you want to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Don't be afraid to speak up if you feel really strongly about it or if it bothers your son.

[mamallama]

Yikes. That situation would not be cool with me at all.

I've had to learn how to speak up for myself/my kids. I don't know how many times I've left somewhere kicking myself and vowing to not let it happen again.

With this, I see two potential scenarios. You could talk to her before the next class. Maybe she will have forgotten the situation, but you can remind her of it. Keep it simple and stick to the facts. You could say something like "last week Joey was really excited to see and touch the instruments. The other kids got a turn, but then they were put away before Joey got a chance to touch anything. I wish I'd said something at the time, but I was surprised and I didn't know what to say. I'm sure you didn't mean to leave anyone out. In the future, it would be really great if you could make sure everyone gets a turn."

Or, you could ready yourself to speak up in the moment, should something like that happen again. Just keep it simple and state the obvious "Excuse me, Miss Lisa, Joey didn't get a turn."

[sapphire_chan]

I know what you mean. My inclination would be to go to the office and drop the class and demand a full refund, but that wouldn't get your kid the fun time he's supposed to have.

I think you should tell the teacher "since ds and other kid didn't get a chance to use the instruments last week, you need to make sure they get first pick this week."

[LCBMAX]

Not ok! But no need to beat up on yourself for reacting more slowly than you wish. Your son hasn't learned that negative lesson yet, and maybe you're teaching him to make a considered response, like...

I'd get in touch with the teacher tomorrow and not wait for the next class when she'll be distracted and pressured, and you'll be that many more days unhappy. I'd let her know the kind of reaction to your son's behavior that you wish she'd demonstrated, and ask if what she did was intentional and if so what did she hope to accomplish with a 2 year old (grrrr.) Then you get to decided if that's the right teacher for your son. If it wasn't intentional, she'll have a chance to grovel nicely.

Meanwhile, any other music classes in your area? Other teachers with more experience?

And for you, you might try Impact Personal Safety/ Model Mugging to safely explore your ability to speak up and react in the moment. More moments are coming!

Good luck.

[Carhootel]

you say it was purposely but is there a chance it wasn't? Could you say 'oh no! I think you forget ds and this other kid!' impying that you were trying to help her out and not make her look bad, then if she IS purposefully skipping them then she'd either have to explain herself or go out of her way to do it in which case you might feel more comfortable speaking up. Good luck!

[jazzharmony]

"oops, you forgot DS" would probably work. I would assume, at this point, that she did not intentionally exclude anyone. Having a talk with her would be a good idea too. She may not have a clue and would probably really appreciate having feedback from parents. As a music teacher myself, it's really important to me to connect with children and their parents. I would absolutely want this feedback. It's quite possible, with the hustle and bustle of a busy music class and dealing with many very young children and their parents/caregivers, that some people get overlooked. Not everyone is cut out for teaching such a class too.

I recommend giving feedback to the teacher and then, based on the overall picture, finding a new class to join next term

[nelson]

"I would assume, at this point, that she did not intentionally exclude anyone."

I wish but I honestly do think it was intentional, she started with the child directly next to him and instructed her to pass it around to the little girl on the other side of her, and there were only 5 kids in the class, so it's unlikely that she didn't notice. It felt like she was trying to "teach him a lesson" for not being cooperative or she thought he wouldn't be able to handle touching such a "special" instrument, he is one of the younger kids in the class, but obviously it shouldn't have been brought into a toddler class then. I am still deciding whether to bring it up at the next class or just see how this next one goes and if it happens again bring it up more in the moment like some of you mentioned. Wish me luck and thanks for the support. This has really been eating at me...

[jazzharmony]

Originally Posted by nelson

I wish but I honestly do think it was intentional, ..

Then I would be really really ticked. Clearly, she should not be working with young children. I do think that you are right to be concerned about your child experiencing an adult choosing shaming and exclusion as punishment - especially in a "teaching" environment. I would speak with the director of the program if there is one. Tell the director what happened and that it is not acceptable and ask to switch teachers or for a refund. Drop the class and find someone else. There are so many wonderful music teachers out there who truly respect young children and love working with them.

[kristenok18]

This teacher is bad news. I don't say that lightly, because as a professional musician I really really value early music programs. What she did was outrageous. I had my son enrolled in various music programs as an infant/toddler/preschooler, and there's NO way he could have just sat still like that...he's a wiggler, very active boy, kinetic learner. And frankly, that's what music SHOULD be at this age. Exploration, feeling the rhythms in your body, moving. I'm appalled that she acted that way.

I would probably have been just as stunned as you were and not said anything. But I sure wouldn't subject my child to that again. This person should not be teaching small children.