First I apologize for the very long post.
Me and dh are having sone serious issues and I need some advice. Ever since we had our first child things have been going downhill. He was raised in a very “these are girls jobs/these are boys jobs” household. He seems to think that when we had children I would become just like his mother.
We both worked full time after our first child. He still just expected that I would work 40+ hours, care for the kids, breastfeed, pump, clean our very large house, care for all of our pets, and perform my “marital duties”. He only needs to work, mow the yard, and take out the trash. I tried many different ways to get through to him that I could not do all this without help. I will admit that sometimes I blew up and blamed him/criticized which I should not have. With every discussion he would just excuse his behavior and nothing would change. When I would stop bringing it up he just assumed it was resolved.
Also my job during this time was very stressful. I would leave work near tears and try to vent to dh. He would refuse to listen and tell me I talk to much. He didn't want to hear about how I felt. However, if I didn't want to “be a wife” later he would talk for an hour about how I could “fix” the problem of not wanting to.
After the birth of our second daughter I am now a stay at home mom. I thought this would help. I love being at home and do not mind now taking on most of the work. He thinks that my being at home means he has NO responsibilities now. I have to have surgery next month so in addition to bfing my lo I also have to pump-will not be able to bf for 24 hours. So I am bfing, pumping, preparing all the meals, doing all the cleaning, caring for the children 24/7, and still he wants more of me.
Also, even though I am the only one doing all this it must be done his way. He will several times a day stop me from what I am doing to tell me it must be done different. Ex: I was cooking dinner/watching the children and he kept coming in with “dont use that knife-use this one” “did you change the baby?” ect. He also always wants more done around the house and he blames me for EVERYTHING. The otr day our daughter had diaper rash and he grilled me for 10 minutes about when/how I changed her. Then said she has diaper rash.
I have tried many ways to get him to understand that he is hurting me and that I cannot do it all. When I discuss these feelings/issues with him he changes the subject, make excuses, blames me, or he will apologize then pretend nothing happened.
Recently the situation has hit a boiling point. I was trying to get more cleaning done. I asked him on his day off to entertain our older daughter so that I could complete the housework. He watched her for 20 minutes then sent her to where I was while he sat on the couch. I became upset and tried again to discuss with him that I need help. It turned into an argument and this time he was intentionally trying to hurt me. He told me that I was being just like my mother-who is a selfish and mean woman and blamed me alone for all the issues.
I cannot take anymore. I tried to convince him we need to separate for a few days but he refuses.
I am not perfect. I tend to talk only of the issues to him and not how I feel. I also hold onto anger until I explode-making him think that everything is fine when I keep quiet.
Please, any advice would be very appreciated and thank you in advance.
Me and dh are having sone serious issues and I need some advice. Ever since we had our first child things have been going downhill. He was raised in a very “these are girls jobs/these are boys jobs” household. He seems to think that when we had children I would become just like his mother.
We both worked full time after our first child. He still just expected that I would work 40+ hours, care for the kids, breastfeed, pump, clean our very large house, care for all of our pets, and perform my “marital duties”. He only needs to work, mow the yard, and take out the trash. I tried many different ways to get through to him that I could not do all this without help. I will admit that sometimes I blew up and blamed him/criticized which I should not have. With every discussion he would just excuse his behavior and nothing would change. When I would stop bringing it up he just assumed it was resolved.
Also my job during this time was very stressful. I would leave work near tears and try to vent to dh. He would refuse to listen and tell me I talk to much. He didn't want to hear about how I felt. However, if I didn't want to “be a wife” later he would talk for an hour about how I could “fix” the problem of not wanting to.
After the birth of our second daughter I am now a stay at home mom. I thought this would help. I love being at home and do not mind now taking on most of the work. He thinks that my being at home means he has NO responsibilities now. I have to have surgery next month so in addition to bfing my lo I also have to pump-will not be able to bf for 24 hours. So I am bfing, pumping, preparing all the meals, doing all the cleaning, caring for the children 24/7, and still he wants more of me.
Also, even though I am the only one doing all this it must be done his way. He will several times a day stop me from what I am doing to tell me it must be done different. Ex: I was cooking dinner/watching the children and he kept coming in with “dont use that knife-use this one” “did you change the baby?” ect. He also always wants more done around the house and he blames me for EVERYTHING. The otr day our daughter had diaper rash and he grilled me for 10 minutes about when/how I changed her. Then said she has diaper rash.
I have tried many ways to get him to understand that he is hurting me and that I cannot do it all. When I discuss these feelings/issues with him he changes the subject, make excuses, blames me, or he will apologize then pretend nothing happened.
Recently the situation has hit a boiling point. I was trying to get more cleaning done. I asked him on his day off to entertain our older daughter so that I could complete the housework. He watched her for 20 minutes then sent her to where I was while he sat on the couch. I became upset and tried again to discuss with him that I need help. It turned into an argument and this time he was intentionally trying to hurt me. He told me that I was being just like my mother-who is a selfish and mean woman and blamed me alone for all the issues.
I cannot take anymore. I tried to convince him we need to separate for a few days but he refuses.
I am not perfect. I tend to talk only of the issues to him and not how I feel. I also hold onto anger until I explode-making him think that everything is fine when I keep quiet.
Please, any advice would be very appreciated and thank you in advance.
Good luck!
