I feel so betrayed and hurt, I feel like dying

[CliffRose]

My ex placed an order of protection (restraining order) against me for bs reasons, 3 weeks before our son's 5th birthday (big deal), knowing that I've a fractured knee, no car, and that I'm in the middle of moving. Now we can't have ds's birthday party together anymore. I'm alone here, both of their families are nearby.
His new wife, whom I've welcomed in my family with open arms, kept saying that she didn't want to get involved between us, yet just told me that she supported him in his decision.
I'm so hurt. I feel beyond betrayed.
I'm a hair away from calling immigration on her, but that would start a nuclear war against my ex who's got a wealthy family.

I hurt so much, I feel like dying.

I guess I'm just seeking some support here.

[NewMom0208]

Dear CliffRose,

I have been there, and i am here to tell you there is life after this and you can put yourself in a better place.

The thing is, however, it is very simple, but not easy to do.
You cannot control what your ex does, you can only look at your own options and decide from there.
Good for you for not calling immigration, revenge will not serve you well, i am sure that is not the mommy you want to show your son you are.

It seems your ex an his new wife have no problem trying to hurt you, as it happens with my ex.

i have found freedom from his tirany by getting help is setting boundaries and sticking to them.

What are your options?
Can you have an special celebration with your little guy later?
What are other ways you can be there for him?
What does your visitation say about the birthday?
I didnt fully understand your situation... to help better

I ALWAYS make a plan A and a plan B when it comes to my stbx. That way i am prepared when he fails to be a good person, just decent or human....

[meemee]

so what does the restraining order mean?

that you will be able to see your son, but you cant be near a certain distance from ex?

you cant blame his wife. his wife. no matter what she says you know she is going to side with him.

i am so sorry mama that you feel betrayed.

it is something many of us go thru in various forms. it happens when we have expectations.

ITA with what newmom has said. you need to live your life and make plan A and plan B. my own life is made of plan A AND plan B.

i hope this doesnt mean you get less time with your son.

i have myself set up almost a 'restraining order' myself against ex. i WILL NOT tolerate his verbal abuse. so our pick up and drop offs are at public places or in a way where he and i dont have to talk. we do the bare minimum on the phone and i hang up when he uses disrespectful language.

ex is welcome at dd's bday. but whether he comes or not is not something that i depend on.

in a way i welcomed his anger. it made my life so much easier in a twisted sort of way to get over him and do things MY way.

so hang in there mama. this is just one more step for you to discover in a v. painful manner what a strong woman you are.

[Bad Mama Jama]

i could not read this and not offer a . i am truly sorry.

[beckyand3littlemonsters]

[violet_]

CliffRose,

I'm sorry you're in the situation you're in, and I feel bad that I didn't say anything earlier, as I feared you were on a path like this. I have no idea why he got a protective order against you, but I can see a pattern from your other posts that may suggest a few reasons he's upset with you at this time.

I say this gently, and with your best interests at heart:

Try and see it from your ex's side: This is the same son you almost forbade from attending his own father's wedding because you were mad at your ex for the late notice. It was rude of him to notify you so late of his intent to take his son that day, but then maybe he was afraid to tell you ahead of time because he knew you'd be upset?

You guilted your ex and tried to make him feel bad the day before his wedding because you were jealous he was getting wedding rings with her where he had not with you. Not to sound harsh, but this man is not your husband. His and his wife's choices for their union are absolutely none of your business.

Then, to make matters worse, when you did relent and let your son attend, you threatened your ex that he would have to attend twice monthly therapy with you(!) or you would possibly throw roadblocks in his visitation requests.

If there was an ex of my husband making threats to us and demanding couple's therapy with him -- on our wedding day, no less -- and guilting him for buying me a wedding ring, you bet I'd support some legal action to get her to leave us alone.


I'm sorry you're too upset to see it from their perspective at this time, but maybe if you give it a little time to cool down, things will get better. Separate birthday parties for your son can be a good thing -- he may LOVE having two parties! And if I recall correctly, you have a boyfriend now, so maybe you two can throw a party and build your family dynamic (if that relationship is serious). Try to focus more on your family and less on his. It will take time -- these things always take longer than we would like -- but it will get better.

Best of luck.

ETA: Almost forgot to mention: don't call immigration on your son's stepmother. Most likely, her status is fine now that she's married anyway, but even if it isn't, truly this will not improve your or your son's life. At worst, you would risk taking your son's father away from him. Surely this isn't what you want.

[CliffRose]

Originally Posted by violet_

CliffRose,

Try and see it from your ex's side: This is the same son you almost forbade from attending his own father's wedding because you were mad at your ex for the late notice. It was rude of him to notify you so late of his intent to take his son that day, but then maybe he was afraid to tell you ahead of time because he knew you'd be upset?

You guilted your ex and tried to make him feel bad the day before his wedding because you were jealous he was getting wedding rings with her where he had not with you. Not to sound harsh, but this man is not your husband. His and his wife's choices for their union are absolutely none of your business.

Then, to make matters worse, when you did relent and let your son attend, you threatened your ex that he would have to attend twice monthly therapy with you(!) or you would possibly throw roadblocks in his visitation requests.

If there was an ex of my husband making threats to us and demanding couple's therapy with him -- on our wedding day, no less -- and guilting him for buying me a wedding ring, you bet I'd support some legal action to get her to leave us alone.


I'm sorry you're too upset to see it from their perspective at this time, but maybe if you give it a little time to cool down, things will get better. Separate birthday parties for your son can be a good thing -- he may LOVE having two parties! And if I recall correctly, you have a boyfriend now, so maybe you two can throw a party and build your family dynamic (if that relationship is serious). Try to focus more on your family and less on his. It will take time -- these things always take longer than we would like -- but it will get better.

Best of luck.

ETA: Almost forgot to mention: don't call immigration on your son's stepmother. Most likely, her status is fine now that she's married anyway, but even if it isn't, truly this will not improve your or your son's life. At worst, you would risk taking your son's father away from him. Surely this isn't what you want.

He had told me they were getting married soon, but didn't tell me exactely when. That shows not that he was afraid I'd get upset, but that for whatever reason he didn't bother giving me a specific time. He just assumed ds would be available that day. What if we had had a doctor's appointment scheduled?

You are assuming I was jealous. I am not, i was just wondering why he'd changed his mind now, when he had all these reasons to not do rings before.

You're also assuming I threatened to put roadblocks in his visitation rights. That is not true. To quote myself "I also told him that I felt hurt and disrespected, and that unless we did mediation/counselling together a minimum of twice a month, I was done trying to be amicable and working with him. ". That means I am done modifying the custody schedule to accommodate his yoga workshops and things like that.
I have not guilted him about the rings. It was an honest question.

And about immigration, she was nice to me when it was time to loan her a backpack to go back and forth across the border to make it look as if she had been in Mexico the whole time. I'm an immigrant, and I can tell you that if immigration found out, she'd most likely get kicked out and banned fromk this country.
It's my last resort, but facing an ex with a wealthy family that hates me because I left him, I'm keeping that piece of ammo in my pocket.
They want to move to L.A. and I told them I wouldn't. Now, he's threatening (in a super indirect manner) to try to get custody of ds so they can move there.

Threatening me and insulting me over and over is, IMO, a good reason to need counseling.

I f*cked up about the wedding, but other than that, I went out-of-my way to make her feel welcome in my family. I invited her to spend halloween with us, I offered to alter the custody schedule so they could go out for a nice dinner on their 1st anniversary, I've invited her to spend Christmas with us (it was planned to be just me, ds, and his dad). I've invited them over for dinner, I've loaned her a frickin backpack so she could cross the border, and more. She pretended to be my friend the whole time.

[CliffRose]

And, Violet, would you go as far as LYING? Because that's what he did in order to get a restraining order. I saw the reasons, all of them are either super-exaggeration, or simply lies.

[violet_]

Originally Posted by CliffRose

And, Violet, would you go as far as LYING? Because that's what he did in order to get a restraining order. I saw the reasons, all of them are either super-exaggeration, or simply lies.

No, I would never say that was justified. Please don't take what I said as being in any way hostile. You do have my sympathy on this. He was incredibly rude about the wedding, both in the short notice and in bragging about the rings "to keep other women from sleeping with him." He was not justified in any of that, nor certainly in insulting you. His restraining order, as you tell it, was also probably not justified.

I was only saying, or trying to say, that there were things he could be upset about, and combined with the high emotions of a wedding, he and his wife might have felt bombarded. I was only trying the exercise of stepping into their shoes for a while. That's all.

Best of luck to you.