Issues at daycare... WWYD?

[Phoenix~Mama]

For sometime now there has been an issue at DD's daycare. She is at a homebased care with a wonderful woman and her two kids, plus two other kids in care.

Well, for some reason, everytime H drops DD off, the youngest DD of our care provider, who is almost 3, is mean to DD in some way.

She has yelled in DD's face, "NO! I DON'T WANT YOU HERE! GO HOME!!!" "I DON'T LIKE YOU!" "STOP LOOKING AT ME!! I TOLD YOU NO!"

And will point her finger right in DD's face.

Other things are often her Mom will take DD right away from H and while she is holding DD, her DD pulls hard on DD's legs trying to pull her out of her Mom's arms.

Yesterday while DD was put in her highchair (she gets there right for lunch) the care provider's DD kicked her!!!

Often times with the yelling our CP just tells her DD to stop, but doesn't remove her from the situation or anything. Sometimes H has said something to the little girl that what she doing isn't nice.

With the kick thing, H said something first because our CP's back was turned when it happend, but then the CP told her she was in big trouble and they'd be talking to her Daddy about it. It seems that most big discipline things are handled by her husband at her home.

Anyway, H is super concerned, obviously, because our DD keeps being tormented and he is worried about her getting hurt. Our CP says this only happens right when DD gets there and when H is still there for some reason.

I have seen our DDs interact when I pick DD up and my CP's DD is all loveable with my DD then giving her hugs and telling her she loves her. Yesterday she even went up to DD again and said she was sorry for kicking her.

I just don't know what to do... It was hard enough to finally find a CP in my area that we could afford and would work with our schedule (DD doesn't go full time), and that had some values in line with my own. We have also become friends with her and she is totally willing to work with pay rates when the next LO comes and when DSD comes to stay with us in the summer.

She has also offered to watch DD for free for some of my appts, and for the birth! We have had some weekend playdates too. She has just really become a friend, and DD definitely loves her and I can tell she likes being there.

Another note is DD isn't the only baby in care there. The other little girl that our CP watches is only about 1.5 months apart in age from DD and she is there full time... and from what I hear her DD doesn't act this way towards her at all... so why is she towards my DD? It's really weird, and any advice is welcome.

[lolar2]

What about when you do the drop-off? Does the same thing happen? From what you've posted about your H in the past, maybe the little girl is afraid of him and misdirecting it.

[Alyantavid]

Honestly, the biggest concern to me is the discipline issue. Why can't she do any sort of discipline herself? I would think that with all those kids, she'd have to do something.

If she doesn't do it around you or after your dh leaves, I'd assume she has some problem with him. And with a 3 year old, you can't always tell what the problem may be. Is it possible for you to do the drop off? If not, I'd talk to your provider, especially if she's a friend. She may have some idea of what's going on.

[Phoenix~Mama]

I don't ever do the drop-off. I'm at work then.

And my H is all charming in public... acting like Super Dad and playing with the kids and stuff.

[lolar2]

Yeah, but some kids are really sharp and see through that kind of thing. In any case, if she only acts like that when he does the drop-off, and not when someone else does it, that indicates that she has taken a dislike to him for whatever reason, good or bad. Is there any possible way for you to do the drop-off?

[Phoenix~Mama]

Yeah there really is no way I can do drop off. I go to work at like 6:00 am when H gets home from work. He watches DD till about 11:30 am, then takes her to the sitter from 12 - 3:30 pm when I get out of work.

There is no way I can leave work to go take DD to daycare.


As far as my CP's discipline... from what I have seen she repeats herself a lot about them not doing something and uses the Daddy threat. They are sort of your typical old school Christian home, where Dad is the main disciplinarian.

My CP will do time outs, but it takes A LOT for her to get to that point. I know she has been at her wits end latelly with how her kids have been acting and how they aren't listening to her anymore.


I have talked to her about her DD's behavior and she is really stumped on it herself as she says she only acts that way when my H is there and she doesn't understand what he has to do with her behavior.

[Ione]

Is it possible that when you ask her about it you "soften" the language you use to describe the language, out of tact, diplomacy and a desire to get at the real issue rather than attack her? Or use vague phrasing (her daughter "acting out", as opposed to "yelling in DD's face", for ex.)?

And, if that is the case, is it possible that your H is "making it sound worse than it is" when he talks to you about it, being overly alarmist/alarming, either because he is over-reacting or because he is seeking to further manipulate and control you. (If you have to quite your job to stay home because there is no acceptable daycare available, you will effectively be even more dependent on him. I wouldn't trust 99% of what he says, myself, given your posting history.)

Then, when you minimize in talking to her she has no way of knowing that you are "minimizing" and has no way of knowing that your H is being overly alarmist to you (if he is), and so her non-denial of the behavior is not really a confirmation of what your H is reporting but only a confirmation of your (minimized) descriptions.

Does that make any sense?

And, even if he were being 100% truthful and objective and totally not exaggerating the behavior, I'm not at all convinced that you should be very very worried if your DD herself clearly, as you state, loves it there. If it's not bothering her at all as far as you can tell and she's not actually in any danger of physical harm...

(And, remember, if she only does it when your H is there, if/when/once you leave him, it is highly possible that he wouldn't be doing much daycare drop-off/pick-up, depending on the visitation schedule. Which would make it even less of a concern.)

[Alyantavid]

Originally Posted by JSMa

I have talked to her about her DD's behavior and she is really stumped on it herself as she says she only acts that way when my H is there and she doesn't understand what he has to do with her behavior.

See, that's weird to me. With my kids, even at that age, they'd give some reason for acting that way. Always. Obviously I don't know her daughter, but it just seems really strange that she only ever does that when your dh's there.

Does your provider describe these incidents the same way your dh does?

[BunnySlippers]

Since you can comfortabley talk to her about issues, why dont you, your H and her have a meeting and discuss it. Maybe on a weekedn adn call it a playdate, so that the kids can be there too(not at the meeting, but in teh area so you can see them interact)

[Phoenix~Mama]

Yes, my CP has described what has happened the same way H does.

Sometimes I don't even hear the story from him, because he doesn't always talk to me, or I usually don't talk to him before I pick DD up.

Like yesterday with the kicking incident. I heard about it first from CP, as she was really upset/embarassed that her DD did that. And actually yesterday the moment I walked in the door her DD tore a babydoll out of DD's hands, which I ignored as normal kid stuff and it didn't really bothered me outside of normal Mama Bear being sad that DD is always having stuff ripped out of her hands unfortunately as she is typically surrounded by bigger kids.

But CP took the doll back immediately and gave it back to DD and told her DD that DD is allowed to play with it.

She then told me that her DD is in big trouble and currently has all her toys taken out of her room because of kicking DD at lunch. And how they had another big sit down scheduled when her husband got home that night. Usually when something bad happens or her kids are really unruly that day, Daddy has a sit down with them to figure out punishments.

So... yeah, so far all stories match from H and CP, as actually more often I hear them from her first because she is usually telling me how fed up she is with her kids behavior and how she is embarrased with how they act in front of the parents when they come to pick up their kids.

So yes... actually there is acting out usually in front of others. Just usually not with taking it out on the kids... usually it's her kids constantly interrupting when CP is trying to tell parent about their kid's day and her kids will keep yelling at her demanding things.

Although I've had moments of uncomfortableness around her older DD who is 4, as she is in this new phase of coming up and slapping a person's behind.

I know she has done it to H and he said he was very uncomfortable when she did it and I think he said her Mom told her not to do it.

She has done it to me several times and usually I feel awkward saying something to someone's kid when they are right there and they do not say anything... but often I don't think my CP notices it.

Last week I said something to her DD because she kept running by me smacking my back, and it was a bad pain day for me and it wouldn't bother the normal person, but it was bad for me and I asked to please stop. And her Mom seemed surprised that her DD was doing it when I told her what happened. She didn't see it as she was changing the other baby at the time.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Assuming that this is a phase (probably jealousy?) for the little girl, can you work out some sort of prevention strategy with the caregiver? Something like having her DD in another room when yours arrives or having her already seated at the lunch table? Unless this is a completely non-media house, maybe this is the time for a short video before lunch to calm everyone down? Some way for her to be controlled and away from your child at arrival time.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

May i just say that taking care of three babies while trying to raise your two very young daughters seems like a very hard task. Especially if you are by yourself all day. Also, the age ranges are iffy. In my DC Center I am pretty sure babies are together up to age 18 months, toddlers are together 18 months to 3. UP from there is pre-school. Mixing those ages just seems like a recipe for disaster (and actually not permitted by law), especially when the two oldest ones are your own children. They are bond to have territory issues with babies perpetually grabbing at everything in their home. Im probably not communicating this well.

I think the PP who said if your daughter doesnt seemed bothered by it, then try not to worry to much. When your kids are in daycare, they are going to interact with other children who might not be all that nice. Kind of the nature of the beast. I don't like it, but try to find peace with it.

[Sarah W]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

Assuming that this is a phase (probably jealousy?) for the little girl, can you work out some sort of prevention strategy with the caregiver? Something like having her DD in another room when yours arrives or having her already seated at the lunch table? Unless this is a completely non-media house, maybe this is the time for a short video before lunch to calm everyone down? Some way for her to be controlled and away from your child at arrival time.

This is what I was going to say. It seems like from what you are describing that it is worse when the dropoff occurs. I think your CP's DD just gets that jealousy when she sees her first thing in the morning. To her, she has less of her mother's attention when your daughter shows up.

Hopefully it will pass. But like PP suggested, if there is any way that you can call ahead so her DD can be a bit distracted or involved with another activity, it may help.

[Peepsqueak]

This sounds like a horror story waiting to happen! Get your child out of there quick!