My will against my 4yo's. WWYD? - Page 2

[K1329]

I have a picky eater, too. Quite a surprise after dd, who eats everything and anything! But, I never force him to eat anything. I do make our regular dinners and serve him a plate with a little of everything on it. He will often eat a couple of items, but, sometimes refuses it all. Out of desperation, I started giving him a PB sandwich (he doesn't like jelly) or cereal option if he doesn't want any of the dinner that is served. He will opt for PB or cereal sometimes, but usually eats a portion of the dinner. I really don't think there's much that can be done about it. You can't physically force them to eat... I'm pretty much resigned to it, I guess. I do supplement with a vitamin, though. Good luck - I know it's frustrating!

[wookie]

okay i've learnt (apart from rescinding my statement to ds on this issue) is to never reply when dashing out the door

by the fear of the doctor man, i simply wanted to say that i've told my son about good nutrition and how our body needs good food to grow and in the absence of that sometimes doctors will prescribe "pills" that may not taste as good as the food mommy makes he certainly doesn't think doctors are evil nor have i ever portrayed them so.

sometimes i just want to be able to go out and eat without having to pre-feed my 4yo because he refuses to touch food and will have to be entertained otherwise. but anyway for now i will back off, and hope he'll grow up to be a chef

[lnitti]

I have the similar problem with my 6 year old. She is so limited on what she will eat. I can't even find any vitamins she is willing to try.

We haven't done any tests, but it would not surprise me in the least if she were deficient in something.

She doesn't eat anything that is capable of hiding anything else. So I can't even use that trick.

It stinks for sure. I have just tried not to make it a battle and hope that as she gets older she will try stuff. But I have had that hope now for 5 years (ever since she starting eating food)!

[attached2ethan]

Oh my gosh, I feel your pain! I have a 7yo DS who has sensory issues and is very stubborn about trying new things. The older he gets, the worse it becomes. I've tried withholding food, bribing, explaining about good health, cavities from junk food, begging, sneaking it in, you name it! I'll tell you what we're doing now that is working REALLY well.

I created a daily health food chart. My children and I write down what they eat each day, and they get one point for healthy food choices and 1 negative point for unhealthy choices. We count up the points and at the end of each week, they get fake dollars to spend in my "mommy store". They LOVE this and it's been working really well- additionally, as we put the foods in different categories, I always explain why something is or is not healthy, and what it does for our bodies so that way they understand. I wasn't too keen on the idea at first, but I was so tired of DS eating nothing but bread and pasta all the time- now he's making a concious effort to get his fruits and veggies in, and is very proud. Eventually, once I feel that he's making good choices regularly, we plan to phase out the chart. Just an idea!!

Previously, his typical day consisted of the following, despite healthy options being offered at each meal:

Breakfast- oatmeal
Snack- none, because at school they only serve fruits and veggies
Lunch- pb&j sandwich, crackers or cookies, fruit snacks, etc...
Snack- fig newtons, cookies, anything carb-a-licious
Dinner- macaroni or spaghetti, refused to eat meat or veggies with dinner

Today he ate the following:
Breakfast- unsweet cereal with almond milk and a banana
Snack- watermelon and apple slices
Lunch- sandwich with sunbutter and honey, applesauce, cheese stick
Snack- pb crackers on whole wheat and a banana
Dinner- macaroni and cheese (organic rice pasta) with peas

He still won't eat meat, but that's no big deal at all to me (I grew up vegetarian and am fine with finding other protein sources for him). SO we're doing better, not great, but I'm hoping this works long term. It leaves my kids in charge of their own decisions, which I like.

[meemee]

kuddos to you mama. its v. rarely i see parents change a 180% in teh course of two pages.

you know one thing keeps coming up for me is that his tenacity aka stubborness is such a great 'skill' for adult years. he will never give in or give up. will carry him a long way as an adult.

for me food is such a tough call. i want to respect dd's knowledge of her body and yet fidn a balance with what we define as healthy diet.

i have a super picky dd in a different way. she will go hungry instead of eating yucky food. good food to her is something cooked well. taste. she is the one who eats wierd food. has never ever eaten kid's meals. so i have the kid with the opposite issue. she wants to eat out all the time and tries to convince me that broccoli is actually poison for her.

and hey at least you guys are not raw food people. can you imagine you could never really go out to eat unless there is a raw food restaurant in your town.

[newmum35]

I bookmarked a page I thought had some great links and ideas

http://sandradodd.com/food

there is also the name of a book which escapes me at the moment but it is supposed to be all about avoiding power-struggles with kids over eating (its on my books-to-buy list so I can fish for the title sometime if anyone needs it) but basically its theme is: its the parents job to provide nutritious food, and the childs job to decide IF and HOW MUCH he eats of it.

[wookie]

Originally Posted by meemee

kuddos to you mama. its v. rarely i see parents change a 180% in teh course of two pages.

you know one thing keeps coming up for me is that his tenacity aka stubborness is such a great 'skill' for adult years. he will never give in or give up. will carry him a long way as an adult.

.

lol, i'm usually not so easily swayed. however, on this issue i basically don't have a choice. like someone said, i can't force food down his gullet. so what's the point of stressing, yk? and denying him (and me!) a break with his Tv show.

fwiw, he'd been begging me to "change my mind, pleassssee" about his show. so when i did tell him, "ok, ds, i've changed my mind about your show because mama realised it wasn't fair for me to not compromise when i expected you to do the same" i can't describe the level of his excitedness. at every lull in the show he came running up to me to say thank you, mama :

[arb]

The book is Child of Mine: Feeding Your Child with Love and Good Sense by Ellyn Satter, and I HIGHLY recommend it. It is indeed all about avoiding these exact kinds of power struggles over food, which, at worst (not saying that this is where you are headed) can lead to more seriously disordered eating, and at best will drive you insane. There are a few things about Satter that seem slightly dated and not sufficiently "whole foods" to me, but that's OK. The main thrust of her book is about behavior, the adult's and the child's!

http://www.amazon.com/Child-Mine-Fee.../dp/0923521518

My other strong recommendation is the excellent blog, It's Not About Nutrition. Lucky for you, today's post addresses your issue AND seems very much influenced by Satter's idea of "division of responsibility."

http://itsnotaboutnutrition.squaresp...r-control.html

These two resources have been a big influence on how we treat food in our household. I can't endorse them strongly enough.

Originally Posted by newmum35

there is also the name of a book which escapes me at the moment but it is supposed to be all about avoiding power-struggles with kids over eating (its on my books-to-buy list so I can fish for the title sometime if anyone needs it) but basically its theme is: its the parents job to provide nutritious food, and the childs job to decide IF and HOW MUCH he eats of it.

[lnitti]

Originally Posted by arb

The book is Child of Mine: Feeding Your Child with Love and Good Sense by Ellyn Satter, and I HIGHLY recommend it.

You know, I have read that book and didn't like it. She is very big on scheduling meals and snacks and not allowing children to eat in between. I want my kids to know how to listen to their body and eat when they are hungry. Not when I have said the schedule time to eat is.

There was another book I read that I liked better.

We really don't have power struggles because I let her eat what and when she wants. But that also means no veggies, almost no fruit (only bananas, and occasional bite of apple, and an occasional bite of cantaloupe), and very little meat. I am sure an almost all carb diet cannot be healthy. I don't know how to get her to eat other stuff. I just keep offering, and she just keeps refusing. But there is not usually any actual battle.

She has control over lots of stuff in her life, so I hesitate to think it is entirely 100% a control issue.

My other daughter eats tons of stuff, but has started becoming a bit picky too as in not eating stuff she used to love. I think she picks up a lot of this from looking at her big sisters behavior.

[keyley1090]

I have my son prepare his food with me. That way, he can "supervise." Even if I sneak some veggies in, he will still eat it because HE made it. He used to be picky until he was about 2 1/2. When we had dinner and he didn't want what we had, I would make him something else, giving into his cute little angel face. Now, if he doesn't eat what we are having, he will either sit there until he does, or go to bed without dinner. When he is hungry enough, he will give in. We also don't allow him a sip of milk or juice until he takes a few bites. WE ALLOW HIM WATER AT ALL TIMES, though. Just to clarify.

[wookie]

see my other thing about letting him go hungry to bed has been then having a cranky kid up in the middle of the night asking for a glass of milk or jst plain unable to sleep. those times i've had to give in to his milk request because i CAN NOT be up negotiating when my eyes are not open. he's very stubborn and he knows my weak spots

although i worry about his pickiness i also think no 13yo can withstand peer pressure

[mysticmomma]

No. going to bed without dinner is not cool IMO. Always serve at least one thing he eats. Have an easy go to snack, string cheese, crackers, milk, fruit. No empty tummies for bed.

[GuildJenn]

If you want to do behaviour mod, you could offer him a sticker every time he tries something new (no matter what it is). I'm not sure I'm a fan of behaviour mod, but it might give you a way to back down in this situation.

[GoBecGo]

I am not a short-order cook so if DD won't eat what i cook for dinner then she can have something else providing it's no-cook and relatively healthy (fruit, breadstick, oatmeal, whatever). This works well for us - she also gets to pick what we eat on occasion, though not as often as i'd like because she's the sort who doesn't want variety. Her favourite meal, and ONLY requested meal, has been thai green curry for over a year. I don't want to eat that every week, much as i like it! She will generally at least try what i've made, but then i don't actually notice very often - if there is ice-cream for dinner i kind of insist she has at least SOMETHING which has protein or complex carb in it so she doesn't have the sugar high/crash from eating just ice-cream for dinner.

As to trying new things.... DD won't eat sweetcorn, unless it's frozen! She loves crunching ice cubes, so i tried her with frozen veggies and she really likes them. She doesn't like tomatoes right now, and she will not eat them, which is fine by me. I eat them often and with enthusiasm and she might decide to try them (actually she used to love them!) or she might not. She likes raw onion and i certainly DON'T! LOL I have had some success when she was younger with calling her into the kitchen and saying "now, DD, this tub is MAMA'S soup, so i don't want you to touch it ok? It's specially for me, not for kids, and it's too yucky for you" and then i put it in the fridge, at her eye level, with the lid loose and a spoon next to it, and she generally accidentally tries it. She does sometimes agree that it's yucky though!

Mainly i would agree that you should stop mentioning it. Stop worrying about it. Is he actually very malnourished/ill/lethargic? When you go out to eat it is perfectly reasonable to have him sit still at the table with you while you eat rather than expecting, because HE isn't eating, to be entertained. My DD joins us for all meals. She needn't eat, that's her affair, but she IS required, as a family member, to participate in family mealtimes. We offer one another foods, talk about our day, etc. We don't comment on how much anyone else is eating or pressure anyone to eat more or less, but we DO reconnect as a family. I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to insist on his company for meals, while leaving whether and what he eats up to him.

[MJB]

I wouldn't go back on it. No TV isn't a big deal.
My 4 yr. old is in a picky phase right now. We will always allow him unsalted nuts, or plain veggies, but he is not getting a PBJ or something else sweet instead of dinner. He has chosen to go to bed without eating a couple times now but he usually eats his dinner. He does have to sit at the table while the rest of us eat. If he were up in the middle of the night, I'd tell him his dinner was in the fridge and he was welcome to it, but I need my sleep and would see him in the morning.

[arb]

Originally Posted by lnitti

You know, I have read that book and didn't like it. She is very big on scheduling meals and snacks and not allowing children to eat in between. I want my kids to know how to listen to their body and eat when they are hungry. Not when I have said the schedule time to eat is.

So, yes, this may not be THE book for everyone. For me I was able to take a *lot* from it without buying into every word! I really do think her basic idea of ceding control to the child of WHETHER or not to eat and how much to eat (of the nutritious foods you provide) is a huge change for a lot of people. I still think it is worth reading for anyone who wants to break a bad cycle of food control issues, their own or one they have inherited from their own childhood.

[arb]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

Her favourite meal, and ONLY requested meal, has been thai green curry for over a year.

That is so cool! I envy you!

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

When you go out to eat it is perfectly reasonable to have him sit still at the table with you while you eat rather than expecting, because HE isn't eating, to be entertained. My DD joins us for all meals. She needn't eat, that's her affair, but she IS required, as a family member, to participate in family mealtimes. We offer one another foods, talk about our day, etc. We don't comment on how much anyone else is eating or pressure anyone to eat more or less, but we DO reconnect as a family. I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to insist on his company for meals, while leaving whether and what he eats up to him.

I like this approach a lot and it is what I am striving for.

[D_McG]

My son is v. picky too and has a lot of anxiety around new foods.

some things have helped.

- insisting that he is polite. This was a huge drama but it worked. No more 'yuck' talk. No whining if there is something new on your plate. Eat what you want, leave what you don't want. No whining!!!
- offering 2 different 'new' things. Example: "I'm hungry". Ok - you can have sesame sticks. NO I DON'T L/IKE SESAME STICKS I DON'T LIKE THEM (he's never had them before). I make him restate that politely ("no thank you mommy, I don't want to try that right now). Then I offer one other 'new' snack (yogurt). He predictably freaks out about that, too. I calmly tell him that he must not be hungry then and he'll enjoy his dinner in ___ hours. 9/10 he'll go on to try one of the two snacks.

GL - it's so frustrating!!!