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Husband encourages dangerous play - Page 2

post #21 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by patricegonzales View Post
She LOVES it. And, no, she has not gotten hurt and is not scared.

He will push her limits a bit, but does respect her wishes to stop if she asks.
Then, IMO you need to butt out. You are afraid not them. Let your husband teach her risk taking! This will help her challenge herself and not be afraid to challenge herself when she is older.

You want him to respect your wishes and parenting you need to do the same for him.

Some times we have to turn our heads. I am afraid of high dives. I admit my fear and tell my kids I can't watch them but will take them to do it.

My dh can't swim and was terrified of water. He went through years of panic attacks learning to trust me and that I would not put our children in "real" danger. He had to learn to trust me, then my kids, judgement on water activities.

I think sabotaging the swing is wrong, dishonest, and manipulative . Wouldn't disagree with changing the swing seat if the seat is old.
post #22 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by elmh23 View Post
The only one of those things that you listed that I'd talk to my husband about is the book cases (unless they're built in and very sturdy) because of the tipping.

My kids are 5, 3 and newborn and the older ones are encouraged to listen to their bodies when it comes to risk assesment. They've never gotten injured doing something THEY want to do. Being aware of what their bodies and minds can do is a VERY good thing!
.

I think the difference is the adult making the swing go so high. It's not like the child is making the swing go high by herself and being asked to tone it down. It is all outside of the child's control.
post #23 of 110
Mothering and Fathering by Tine Thevenin is an awesome book, I would encourage you to read it.
post #24 of 110
As long as the bookcases are secure, neither climbing activity troubles me (I have a natural climber though and have had to adjust my views).

For the swing, the surface she'd fall on is really important, so the concrete - if it is directly under the swing's path - would be a bit of a dealbreaker for me. Without seeing it I can't really tell how likely it is she'd tumble onto that section. I'd also be with you on trying to keep the arc of the swing under 8 feet high, because that's the playground height limit. I do wonder if your fear is freaking you out a bit about the height though - 12 feet in the air is really high. Here's a shot of a swingset with a 12' high bar: http://willygoat.com/catalogsingle.asp?productID=608

I think you both need to listen to each other and work together though and it does concern me a bit that he hasn't been able to compromise on this issue. But overall I agree that it would have to be pretty serious for me to interfere with his judgment.
post #25 of 110
imo that seems way too high to push a 3 yo. my dd. has fallen of our swings before now and she is 4 and the boy pushing her wasn't pushing her nearly as high as your dh pushes your dd.
post #26 of 110
My concern is your communication with your husband, not the safety of the swing.

The swing sounds okay to me and it sounds like your husband is paying attention and respecting your daughter.

But, if you and your husband can't find a way to work through parenting differences, that is a problem.
post #27 of 110
It's great that your three year-old is fearless, but it's not meaningful. She's three. Three year-olds, in my experience, don't have the sense God gave a doorknob. She not afraid because she's never been hurt.

If she was propelling herself on the swing, and if all the landing territory was relatively soft, I'd be okay with it. Big run-ups from Daddy that let her swing out over concrete or asphalt, as exhilarating as they may be, are not safe. And I don't know how this swing is constructed, YES, it IS possible for a child to fall off. It only takes a moment's inattention, and preschoolers? Not famous for keeping their minds on task. I'd take the swing down.

I'd put my foot down on climbing bookcases too. They can tip and crush a kid.

One of the jobs that adults are supposed to do with children is exercise reasonable judgment regarding safety. Yes, she is likely to break a bone at some point and that does often (but not inevitably) come with a healthy, active childhood. Her dad shouldn't *help* her break that bone, or egg her on, or otherwise set her up for it.
post #28 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by hergrace View Post
My concern is your communication with your husband, not the safety of the swing.

The swing sounds okay to me and it sounds like your husband is paying attention and respecting your daughter.

But, if you and your husband can't find a way to work through parenting differences, that is a problem.
yup ITA this is the KEY here. well said.
post #29 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoopin' Mama View Post
I think the difference is the adult making the swing go so high. It's not like the child is making the swing go high by herself and being asked to tone it down. It is all outside of the child's control.
Yes, it is. But from the sounds of it, the child loves it. At least with my children, they'd let us know when it was to much for them and we'd stop it for them. As long as the parent is listening to the child and helping them out of the situation when/if it becomes scary is what makes this okay.
post #30 of 110
I would take the swing down, and find a safer place to hang it.

In general, I would say your DH needs to learn that a child should not go higher/faster/farther out etc during play than they can get themselves on their own. If a child can pump a swing with their own legs up 6 feet high, then the child is generally in control. However, when an adult/older child pushes something up 6 feet high the child is typically out of control. I a child can climb 10 feet high (hopefully at a safe play ground with proper ground cover,) then the child can usually get themselves back down safely. However if an adult places the child onto the structure pushes them up the structure, then the child is out of their ability zone and is likely to have trouble.

3yo tend to over generalize, so things like climbing bookcases should be generally forbidden. You may know that the book case at your house is well secured with wall anchors, but what happens when she goes to someone else's house? Is she going to climb their unsecured bookcases?

A large part of parenting is giving children the tools they need to be safe when you're not there. Just b/c something may seem safe to your DH when he knows he is right there to catch her doesn't mean it is something she should be learning how to do. Sooner than you know it, she is going to be off doing stuff without him there to save her.

If he continues with this, I would recommend finding a family counselor that you could talk these things out with.
post #31 of 110
If the swing itself is safe (not going to break), then I wouldnt worry so much. It sounds like fun!


My grandma had a neighbor who was relly weird about swings, they had one hanging from their overhead trellis thing, very low to the ground. They had one of those big thick gymnastics type mats under it, and made the kid wear a helmet, wrist guards, knee pads and elbow pads to ride the swing, and would only push him like 2 feet high (less than you would push a baby on a baby swing) AND this is when the child was 6-7yrs old! It was pretty weird.
post #32 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by eepster View Post
I would take the swing down, and find a safer place to hang it.

In general, I would say your DH needs to learn that a child should not go higher/faster/farther out etc during play than they can get themselves on their own. If a child can pump a swing with their own legs up 6 feet high, then the child is generally in control. However, when an adult/older child pushes something up 6 feet high the child is typically out of control. I a child can climb 10 feet high (hopefully at a safe play ground with proper ground cover,) then the child can usually get themselves back down safely. However if an adult places the child onto the structure pushes them up the structure, then the child is out of their ability zone and is likely to have trouble.

3yo tend to over generalize, so things like climbing bookcases should be generally forbidden. You may know that the book case at your house is well secured with wall anchors, but what happens when she goes to someone else's house? Is she going to climb their unsecured bookcases?

A large part of parenting is giving children the tools they need to be safe when you're not there. Just b/c something may seem safe to your DH when he knows he is right there to catch her doesn't mean it is something she should be learning how to do. Sooner than you know it, she is going to be off doing stuff without him there to save her.

If he continues with this, I would recommend finding a family counselor that you could talk these things out with.
I pretty much agree with all of this.

And I disagree that a 3-year-old can "listen" to her body and know that she's safe. That's ridiculous - 3-year-olds learn about gravity the hard way. I personally fell ON MY HEAD off swings and various other playground equipment a few times, and if I had fallen eight feet onto concrete, I probably wouldn't have survived. But I only fell from a height I MYSELF could get my swing up to, so there was no eight feet involved. I've always had excellent balance and strength, so this wasn't a case of me not being able to judge my strengths...it was a case of me being a KID, and not having a complete grasp on physics yet.

Sheesh. I think your DH should tone it down. And he should also be more respectful of your judgment (says the woman whose DH thinks it's okay to teach a 2.5-year-old to mow the lawn ).
post #33 of 110
I'm rarely on this side of a disagreement but I will agree with the OP. It sounds like the risk of severe injury is real. I do not keep my kids from swinging high, climbing high, etc. I tell them they need to expect to get down themselves.

This is quite different. I would want my child in a safety harness.
post #34 of 110
No it's not safe. She shouldn't be swinging over hard surfaces period. Poor swing safety. The height would bother me too.

Swings send more than 50,000 kids to the ER every year. Playground equipment can result in injuries as severe as a car accident.

Here's one article on the topic of swing safety.

Personally, since he's not listening to you, I would just cut the swing down and toss it. It would be nice if he would work with you, but it is a true safety issue and not one to be tolerated while you go round in circles with your DH.


V
post #35 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by patricegonzales View Post
She LOVES it. And, no, she has not gotten hurt and is not scared.

He will push her limits a bit, but does respect her wishes to stop if she asks.
That's really all that matters.

Trust your husband. He loves his daughter too. Trust your daughter. She really does know her limits.
post #36 of 110
Based on the OP's original post, to me the DH's behavior seems almost passive-aggressive. She's reasoned, she's argued, she's CRIED? and he still does it? Repeatedly? In front of her? That's not right. My DH and I have frequent disagreements about safety and our 2 boys, but neither of us would ever continue to do anything that would make the other uncomfortable, let alone make them cry.

And FTR, in my relationship I'm the "unsafe" one, and I think the OP's situation seems unsafe for a 3 y/o. No one ever plans to have an accident, that's why they're called accidents.
post #37 of 110
I have memories of being the child in almost this same exact situation - my mother "freaking out" while my father pushed me ridiculously high on a homemade tree swing while I laughed and screamed with delight.

My husband is rougher with dd than I am - he also encourages her to climb, jump, run, experiment, take risks. It freaks me out, but ultimately I trust dh. I know he loves dd and would never want to hurt her and he's just more of a daredevil than I am.

I guess I would first of all try to think of any compromises - what about a safer seat? a helmet? Then I would ask myself, "Do I trust my husband with our child?" If the answer is yes, back off. If it's scary to watch, don';t watch. I don't see a problem with saying to dc, "Ok, I know you are in good hands with daddy but it freaks mama out to watch so I am going inside. Wear your helmet for me. Thank you." lol

If the problem is you don't trust your dh then, well, that is a problem separate from the swing.
post #38 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by newbymom05 View Post
Based on the OP's original post, to me the DH's behavior seems almost passive-aggressive. She's reasoned, she's argued, she's CRIED? and he still does it? Repeatedly? In front of her? That's not right. My DH and I have frequent disagreements about safety and our 2 boys, but neither of us would ever continue to do anything that would make the other uncomfortable, let alone make them cry.

And FTR, in my relationship I'm the "unsafe" one, and I think the OP's situation seems unsafe for a 3 y/o. No one ever plans to have an accident, that's why they're called accidents.
I'm the unsafe parent too. DS really wants a skate board. I'm fine with getting him one, and feel that it will be a lot easier to make sure he wears a helmet and pads now at 4 yo than it will be if he starts at 14 yo. However, DH really feels DS is too young. I won't get one till I can talk DH into being OK with it. I just don't feel we should go against each other on this kind of safety issue.
post #39 of 110
Yikes! I would definitely find a way to get rid of it. That sounds scarry
post #40 of 110
I don't think that just because the kid likes it means it's okay for her. I'm wagering that if she's never been severly injured before, she doesn't know what could happen if she fell. She's 3! So I don't know about her "knowing her own limits", etc.

Pushing her on a swing is fine. Pushing a 3-yr-old so high that if she fell onto the concrete, serious damage would happen = not okay. It's too much. Just because he's her father does not mean he's exercising good judgement!

I find it concerning that he's not listening to you, OP, if he knows this is important to you.
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