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post #61 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by liliaceae View Post
I haven't read all the responses, but that sounds extremely dangerous, and since he's completely disregarding your feelings, I'd cut the swing down. And if he puts it up again, I'd cut it down again.
This. This scenario could easily turn tragic. I would physically go out and stop the activity if I saw him doing this again. Especially if the fear of my child being hurt brought me to tears. Not cool.
post #62 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
Sorry to bring it up again, but no one seems to be addressing the fact that the OP's dh encourages more and more unsafe behavior when he has an audience. To me, that means this behavior isn't about their child and what is really safe for her in the dh's best judgment.

That is where I am critical of the situation. I'm not critical of the dh's ability to judge his own child's safety, but critical of his apparent choice to show-off for an audience at the expense of using his judgment.

It also makes me suspicious of why he refuses to discuss the OP's comfort level. How hard would it be to say "I think it is safe because she's very good at holding on. But I know the concrete bothers you, so let's look into putting a softer surface down"? It wouldn't make the swing any less fun to have an okay surface underneath, or to wear a harness, or to wear a helmet, so not being willing to discuss options to increase safety means he's being as dismissive of the OP's judgment about her child's safety as people are claiming she's doing to his.
Also agreed.

I also agree with the pp's who say the swing sounds like fun. EXCEPT for the fact that the swing is OVER CONCRETE. I hope people are just not noticing that fact, as opposed to saying that's a great idea. Because it's not. There's risk, and then there's stupid risk.

When doing something risky, such as say rock climbing, you check to make sure all your gear and safety equipment is in good working order and set up properly before taking off. That is calculated risk- you could still potentially get injured, and you still get a good rush from the activity, but you make good use of the modern safety equipment. Stupid risk is when you think you're invincible and don't bother with the safety check and depend on nothing more than shear luck.

When I was a kid, I went on the old school styles swings that were super tall and had concrete nearby and, no, I didn't suffer any severe injuries. But like many other things done at that time (like riding in cars without seatbelts) the fact that I survived does not make it safe, it just means I was really, really lucky. I see no reason to take these kinds of stupid risks when we now know better and really great safety equipment is available to allow us to take calculated risk and still have a blast.
post #63 of 110
First of all, I am completely stunned that so many people think it's okay for a 3 year old to be pushed 12 feet high in a swing over concrete. And if I read the OP right, this has been going on since her DD was 2.5 years old.

But safety issue aside, I think the main problem here is that the OP's husband is completely disregarding her feelings, and even laughing at her fear for her child. That is not cool. If I were playing in some way with my son, whether it was completely safe or not, and it freaked my DH out so much that it made him cry, I would stop doing it. It doesn't matter if the OP is right or wrong, she is terrified for her child's safety, and her DH doesn't care.
post #64 of 110
The daughter could have just as much fun swinging lower, or over something safer than concrete. The issue of the Dad liking the audience & disregarding mom's feelings says this is not about his kid having fun, it is about HIS adrenaline rush. Not cool.
post #65 of 110
Thread Starter 

Thanks for the responses!

To clarify a couple things:

The swing itself, as well as the ropes are in good condition. It is a plank style swing attached to sturdy climbing style ropes. (and it is not homemade)

The bookcases are built in bookcases. DH would never encourage climbing a stand alone bookcase.

DH has always respected my feelings and opinions. This was the first time which is why it threw me off. It wasnt his normal response.
__________________________________________________ ______________

(not so) Funny thing happened after I posted this: DD tripped while on a walk with me and busted her head open. One of those...."Does she need stitches?....Do I really want to take 2 kids to the ER to wait and find out?....Will the scar be that noticeable if I dont?" kind of busts.
DH was a bit: ..."you know I really dont feel safe with you taking our daughter on walks any more..." Seeing as how this was the 2nd time (it was 7 stitches the first time) that she has tripped while walking with me and busted her head open, I caught his drift.
Logically, I know that the chances are slim that she will fall from the swing and I know that she can get hurt just walking down the street. That still doesnt help my mama fear though.

I also had a chance to talk this over with my counselor and found a couple other views:
I am over-protective and over-cautious. By not bending on this, DH may be trying to teach DD not to be filled with anxiety or fear about, well, life and play. DH father was very over-protective and extremely cautious in his life and this cost him a connection with his son as well as caused a lot of regret in his (DH fathers') later years. DH may be trying to not repeat this with his daughter. His laughing in my face and being dismissive of my feelings may be his way of trying to show me: "See, she did it, and shes ok, its ok, lifes ok, you are ok!!" It may be his way of trying to help me not repeat his childhood with our daughter.
His showing off by pushing his daughter harder (literally and figuratively) when people are around could be his way of proving to others (himself, really) that he is not his father.

Now that I think I know where the feelings are coming from I need to put them aside and evaluate if the swing is really a dangerous activity or not.....and the opinions seem to be pretty split here! lol
post #66 of 110
I'd use her falling on the sidewalk as a reason for getting rid of the swing. If a fall from less than 4' onto concrete makes her need stitches, a fall from 12' will be pretty gruesome. (Don't think about it too hard yourself, but if your dh is a visual person, smash a melon as an illustration.)

With built in bookcases, my only problem would be that she might go climbing without someone there to catch her. Maybe they could do climbing with a ladder instead? Like a 7' folding ladder that can be put away so she HAS to get an adult to climb? That'd also have less slippery climbing surfaces than a bookcase and nothing that might mar her footing.
post #67 of 110
I'm in the camp that says BECAUSE it's your husband doing the pushing your daughter is not in control of the situation and therefore the risk of injury to her is much, much greater.

My 4 year old just recently learned to pump on a swingset, and he pumps HIGH. Our set is 10.5 feet high, so he's getting himself higher than his dad, but he's in control of how high he goes and there's no sudden JOLT that a child gets when he's being pushed by someone else (esp with the run-under kind of pushes dads give).

6 months ago we were at the park and this same son decided he wanted to wear his new bike helmet. He looked like he had a head injury - playing and running around in a helmet all afternoon. But when we got to the swings, the same swings he'd been swinging on for a couple years, DH got him really high. On ONE push - it only takes one - DH jolted him a bit too much and my son flew off backwards onto the packed mulch and dirt and cracked the back of his head. His head struck first, and the impact was so great that his helmet EXPLODED around his face. It actually sounded like a gun had fired.

Thank GOD for that helmet that day.

All it takes is one time, and your daughter could be landing on concrete.
post #68 of 110
I don't know- I think in some ways it comes down to whether your family is willing to engage in activities that other families might find 'risky'. It doesn't make it right or wrong, it's just a matter of whether or not a family finds the behaviour to fit within it's norm. Obviously it is much more difficult when the two parents disagree over what is normal, as in the OP's situation.

One of the most risky things you can do with your kids is drive somewhere in a car with them. We can do all the harm-minimisation we like in this area, but it still remains statistically high risk.

Of course, my family is an enthusiastic adventure-seeking and rock-climbing kind of family, so maybe my perception is somewhat skewed. What others might consider risky or high-adventure is normal for us.
post #69 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by patricegonzales View Post
__________________________________________________ ______________

(not so) Funny thing happened after I posted this: DD tripped while on a walk with me and busted her head open. One of those...."Does she need stitches?....Do I really want to take 2 kids to the ER to wait and find out?....Will the scar be that noticeable if I dont?" kind of busts.
DH was a bit: ..."you know I really dont feel safe with you taking our daughter on walks any more..." Seeing as how this was the 2nd time (it was 7 stitches the first time) that she has tripped while walking with me and busted her head open, I caught his drift.
Logically, I know that the chances are slim that she will fall from the swing and I know that she can get hurt just walking down the street. That still doesnt help my mama fear though.

I also had a chance to talk this over with my counselor and found a couple other views:
I am over-protective and over-cautious. By not bending on this, DH may be trying to teach DD not to be filled with anxiety or fear about, well, life and play. DH father was very over-protective and extremely cautious in his life and this cost him a connection with his son as well as caused a lot of regret in his (DH fathers') later years. DH may be trying to not repeat this with his daughter. His laughing in my face and being dismissive of my feelings may be his way of trying to show me: "See, she did it, and shes ok, its ok, lifes ok, you are ok!!" It may be his way of trying to help me not repeat his childhood with our daughter.
His showing off by pushing his daughter harder (literally and figuratively) when people are around could be his way of proving to others (himself, really) that he is not his father.

Now that I think I know where the feelings are coming from I need to put them aside and evaluate if the swing is really a dangerous activity or not.....and the opinions seem to be pretty split here! lol
I intend this with respect and kindness:

First off, I think your dh's response is, well, crappy. That is really throwing something in your face.

Second, it sounds to me like you are trying real hard to excuse his behavior and put your feelings aside.

Never underestimate the power of Mama Instinct.

Just sayin'.
post #70 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoopin' Mama View Post
I intend this with respect and kindness:

First off, I think your dh's response is, well, crappy. That is really throwing something in your face.

Second, it sounds to me like you are trying real hard to excuse his behavior and put your feelings aside.

Never underestimate the power of Mama Instinct.

Just sayin'.
There is a balance and this couple is trying to create it.

He is pointing out a fact, that this child has gotten hurt with her twice. She he no longer trust her judgement? She hasn't gotten hurt with dad do we say that much mean he has better judgement, NOPE! They both have valid opinions and they need to respect each other's judgment.

I think her Mama Instinct needs balance with Daddy Instinct and they need to work on a compromise.

Sometimes our instincts need to evaluated. My dh almost drowned. His instincts was to keep and overprotect our children around water. As a parent I had to respect my dh feelings and we worked through them together. Make compromises. She can do this by respecting her dh feelings, respecting that her judgement isn't superior or less than her dh. and that there are midpoints.
post #71 of 110
I'm still curious whether it's really 12' high and where the concrete is. It does sound concerning at those parameters.

We were out at a park yesterday and maybe I'm just weak but I don't think I could get my child to double my height.
post #72 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post
There is a balance and this couple is trying to create it.

He is pointing out a fact, that this child has gotten hurt with her twice. She he no longer trust her judgement? She hasn't gotten hurt with dad do we say that much mean he has better judgement, NOPE! They both have valid opinions and they need to respect each other's judgment.

I think her Mama Instinct needs balance with Daddy Instinct and they need to work on a compromise.

Sometimes our instincts need to evaluated. My dh almost drowned. His instincts was to keep and overprotect our children around water. As a parent I had to respect my dh feelings and we worked through them together. Make compromises. She can do this by respecting her dh feelings, respecting that her judgement isn't superior or less than her dh. and that there are midpoints.

I see what you are saying, and I understand this point. Ds has hurt himself 2 times while in my care, and I would be very upset if dh said that to me. I also know if something dh was doing with ds made me CRY, he would stop doing it or work out a compromise.
post #73 of 110
I haven't read all of the replies yet, just the OP.

I broke both of my arms at the wrist and elbow (yes, both of them in both places!!) on a swing when I was a teenager. The chain holding the swing up broke while I was at the highest point. Probably 5-6 ft. off the ground or so. The metal was rusted through at one point high up that you couldn't see when you first sat down.

Nothing from nothing, but if it was my DH I'd take down the swing one day when he wasn't looking and either hide or dispose of it. Actually, if it was my DH he'd never do that, because he's more neurotic about safety than I am. Your DH probably objects to being told what to do, but he's the grown up and really should act like it, especially since it's not really his risk to take. Swings can be VERY dangerous.
post #74 of 110
Thread Starter 

Still not sure what to do....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoopin' Mama View Post
I intend this with respect and kindness:

First off, I think your dh's response is, well, crappy. That is really throwing something in your face.

Second, it sounds to me like you are trying real hard to excuse his behavior and put your feelings aside.

Never underestimate the power of Mama Instinct.

Just sayin'.

I dont think you are being disrespectful

However, I dont think that you read my post clearly, or perhaps you are assuming too much from it?

I completely agree that his response was crappy and that he was throwing something in my face. And, I am not (and have not) excused how he treated me. I was trying to see where he was coming from. Being that my husband loves me very much, he would never do anything to just be cruel or mean to me. In my opinion, it is easier to understand someones actions if you understand the motivation or emotion behind it. I also think that logical choices are, in most cases better than emotional choices.
Lastly, I am still trying to determine if this activity is dangerous.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GuildJenn View Post
I'm still curious whether it's really 12' high and where the concrete is.
I am pretty sure its around 10-12ft high that he is pushing her. I have not measured it. There is a branch that her feet touch at her highest point, so I have a good reference to get this estimate.
The concrete starts about 2ft beyond the swing/tree and she swings out over the concrete and back over our yard.
post #75 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by patricegonzales View Post
I am pretty sure its around 10-12ft high that he is pushing her. I have not measured it. There is a branch that her feet touch at her highest point, so I have a good reference to get this estimate.
The concrete starts about 2ft beyond the swing/tree and she swings out over the concrete and back over our yard.
Okay yeah in that case I'm going to say it's too high, and the concrete is just not safe if it's in her flight path. I'm not anti-risk. But that seems unnecessarily risky. Playground planners would agree I'm sure.

I would talk to your husband about it (again, I know :P) and really see if you can come to a compromise about height - and spray paint that mark on the tree. Maybe one way to approach it would be to agree to talk to a playground designer? And yes, it will be hard for him to back down and your daughter will probably pitch a fit if she's not pushed as high any more but... yeah. 12 ft and concrete are just not a good combination.

Also sure, she can hurt herself anywhere but the two discussions are distinct.
post #76 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post
I'd consider carefully what message it sends buying a developmentally normal child a swing seat designed to allow those with special needs to swing safely. I think i'd rather my kid fell off a swing once or twice than grew up thinking i felt she wasn't capable of being trusted to use such a basic play item without radically specialised equipment.
post #77 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by patricegonzales View Post
Lastly, I am still trying to determine if this activity is dangerous.
She's 3 years old. What if she looked down and there was a huge spider crawling on her hand. Would she calmly say, "Daddy, please stop the swing so I can remove this spider?" Nope, she'd probably let go of the swing and try to shake it off. And fall off and crack her head open on concrete.

Is being able to swing on this particular swing really worth the risk? Really??
post #78 of 110
OP, I think I get what you're saying, but your DH is doing something that makes you CRY. My DH worries more than I do, and we've had *plenty* of disagreements about what is and isn't safe, and I'm sure we'll continue to have many more. I worry that his fears about their safety will impact my children's sense of their own abilities and may eventually have a negative impact on their relationship with their father. But that being said, when he has a serious issue with something, I bend. I would never do anything that would make him so uncomfortable or anxious that he would react with tears/an emotional outburst. I certainly wouldn't *continue* to do it. And like everyone is saying, this isn't about high swinging, it's about CEMENT underneath. Maybe he's trying to "cure" you of your fears? But w/ the whole cement thing, ugh, find another way!

I think both you and your DH should talk to your counselor about this issue and how he's ignoring your feelings. IMO it doesn't matter whether your fear is justified or not, this is something you're saying you feel strongly about and he's not listening.
post #79 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by patricegonzales View Post
I am pretty sure its around 10-12ft high that he is pushing her. I have not measured it. There is a branch that her feet touch at her highest point, so I have a good reference to get this estimate.
The concrete starts about 2ft beyond the swing/tree and she swings out over the concrete and back over our yard.
This does sound quite dangerous. I'm surprised the landlords insurance company hasn't made a fuss about it.
post #80 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by patricegonzales View Post

Lastly, I am still trying to determine if this activity is dangerous.


.
I am kind of surprised at this given the link I provided also linked to the Govt guidelines for playground equipment as well as statistics on injuries from said equipment. Objective, expert data was provided and you still doubt yourself??????

I think you might be trying too hard to see your DH's point of view. Also, I think your therapist may have been irresponsible in what they said to you given the swing set up.

I like the idea of a melon a pp mentioned, but put it on the swing and let it fall from 12 feet on the concrete--that would be a great visual.

It's not like changing the swing will mean no one ever has fun again. You're not the Grinch trying to suck the joy out of life, kwim? You just want to modify it so the fun doesn't involve a coma.

Oh and another pp reminded me, I had a swing collapse on me too as a kid, but no injury though.

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