Naming a child shouldn't make me feel this bad!

[Wonton]

I'm 11 weeks pregnant with twins who will be the first and only grandchildren in dh's family. He has no siblings and I will have a hysterectomy a few weeks after the birth unless a miracle occurs.

Shortly after we announced the pregnancy my mil reminded dh that he had promised to name a child after her. When he was five. I thought she was joking and said we had already picked out names, telling her the names. She began crying hysterically telling dh that he had promised. After several minutes of tears I finally said that we would use it as a middle name. She immediately stopped crying and smiled.

I love my mil, but I am so angry with myself for giving in. I would never voluntarily give that name to a child. I guess the whole thing has just caught me off guard. I've never heard of anyone insisting that a child be given their name - it just seems odd. Would I be a terrible dil if I didn't use the name? I know it would cause floods of tears and probably weeks of pouting, but I just don't want to use the name, even as a second middle name

[pookahjade]

First off, Sorry you have frustrating in-laws. Second I think your MIL is being ridiculous. Your DH was 5!! I bet he promised her a lot of things. I may be reading it with the wrong inflection but to me her reaction sounded spiteful and manipulative. If you don't like the name then don't use it, your children's names should be ones that you and your DH pick out not anybody else.

[Lauren31]

I feel like your mother in law is nuts. However, it is the baby's MIDDLE name, she did not insist on the first name which in my book means I would just suck it up and do a middle name. It obviously means a LOT to her. The baby might appreciate the family connection. I am named after my aunt and I really appreciate that. I named my baby Adelynn after my mother Lynn. I was worried it would look all *Tryndy* bc the spelling is not Adeline lol but I felt it important to name her after her grandma whom I love. But, then again my mom never insisited that I do that! IF you really hate the name, then you can be tricky and tell her you will name it the first initial of her name or something silly.

[evjolin]

oooh, this sucks. sorry!! a few ideas--does she have a cool middle name or maiden name that you could give the baby?? or use one of those as a middle?

she sounds like a whackjob, but my question for you is how does DH feel about it??? i think that is super important.

i do think fwiw, if you decide NOT to use any name from her side, that it might help the situation if you tell her before hand.....sit her down, tell her you thrown off by her tears and agreed to something that you just aren't comfortable with. give her time to process and deal with it, rather than surprise her around the birth time. just my two cents!! good luck!

[MittensKittens]

Perhaps you will have two boys

[TheDivineMrsM]

I'm sorry, but that's insane. When I was five, I told my mother that I was going to marry her b/c boys were icky. Clearly, I didn't keep my promise. You and your DH have the right to name your children whatever you want.

That said, I wonder why she's so insistent about this? Is your DH an only child? Is she afraid of being forgotten?

You might want to explain your rationale for choosing the names of your twins. If they're already being named for other relatives, or the names you chose have special meanings to you, she might be understanding and back off.

Good luck!!!!!

[VillageMom6]

Congratulations on your babies and best wishes for your future health!

Your m-i-l is nuts. Has she always been this overbearing with you and your dh? No rational person who cares about your feelings would react that way.

Your children will bear their names all of their lives. You will say, hear, see and write their names for the rest of your life. One of life's greatest joys (and stresses) is naming a baby. She had her chance... now it's your turn.

You are not responsible for your m-i-l's feelings. If you make such a major decision based on not wanting to upset her, you will probably be expected to make many such decisions based on her desires. Nip that dynamic in the bud right now!

Enjoy naming your darling babies!

[MyFullHouse]

Ugh! Big hugs to you!

I'm only 6.5 weeks, and we're already in a bad name situation. I feel for you!

[Aliviasmom]

Chiming in from new posts.

Have you looked at the meaning of her name? Maybe you could go with a name that has the same/similar meaning? Or maybe use her name from a different language?

Either way, your kids, your name choices.

[MaerynPearl]

when I was 5 or 6 I promised my mom she could name my first child.

I didnt keep that promise. I also wont force my son to give his daughter my middle name either unlike what he already said he will do.

Why?

Well first of all, a 5 or 6 year old has NO CLUE what they are promising. This is a huge reason why they are not legally allowed to sign a contract.

Second of all, a 5 or 6 year old almost never already knows their future spouse (yes, some do, even fewer already know they want to marry them, but in most cases thats not true) and baby names are not something you choose to let OTHER people choose without the other parents agreement.

[darkblue0729]

Congratulations on your pregnancy mama!

Now I have to say that I think that your MIL is being a histrionic freak to hold you accountable for a promise that her 5 year old son made. I agree with Maeryn on this one: A 5 year old is not able to understand the gravity of a promise like that and you certainly have no obligation to this woman on that front. You could do as previous posters suggested and dig through names on her side of the family to see if anything speaks to you-and if so, great. If not, I would gently tell your mother in law that while you understand that she feels entitled to this promise, you are not in Rumpelstiltskin or something...you are a mama who is about to embark on the journey of a lifetime and desrerve the joy of getting to bestow names of your and your dh's choosing on your children; unless she is heartless she will realize this is not about her and will support you and love and cherish her grandchildren when they arrive. Good luck mama!

[jennica]

That is way out of line for your MIL. It sounds very manipulative and mean spirited, or, just plain out of touch with reality. My vote is don't name your child her name, any of her names, or any variation of her name. I would have your Dh call and tell her. Have him tell her that you have both decided that you wont be naming your children after anyone because you want them to be individuals and have their own names. Or, that you already had names picked out from other relatives. Have him tell her that you were both caught way off guard by her crying about it because your Dh was only 5 when he made that "promise" and she should have known better than to expect him to keep it. Don't feel guilted or manipulated into this - put your foot down with her now or it is going to a tough run once these babies are born. Let her know right now who the parents are and who will be making decisions for these babies and that no amount of tears will work to change that.

[philomom]

Okay here's the thing. If you don't get a backbone with the MIL now, she will only get worse. Talk to your dh and if he agrees that this is out line.. name the babies what you want. She had her turn to be a mother. Now its your turn.

[texmati]

Originally Posted by Lauren31

I feel like your mother in law is nuts. However, it is the baby's MIDDLE name, she did not insist on the first name which in my book means I would just suck it up and do a middle name. It obviously means a LOT to her.

Seriously? I would say that you aren't discussing it except between you and DH. Name your baby what you and your husband want!

[Lauren31]

Originally Posted by texmati

Seriously? I would say that you aren't discussing it except between you and DH. Name your baby what you and your husband want!

I just said that because she already promised to use the name as a first name! I would not have agreed in the first place. I still think the MIL is nuts though.

[broodymama]

Yeah, she's way out of line! So far my 5 year old has said he's going to marry me, that he's never going to move out of my house, he's going to build a rocket for us to go to the moon, and that he's never ever going to like mushrooms. And that's just by 10 am today!

What does your DH say about this?

Originally Posted by philomom

Okay here's the thing. If you don't get a backbone with the MIL now, she will only get worse. Talk to your dh and if he agrees that this is out line.. name the babies what you want. She had her turn to be a mother. Now its your turn.

ITA with philomom here.

[phoebemommy]

Yes. She's clearly manipulative, so you're going to have to lay down the law somewhere. The name is as good a place as any. Things came to a head with my manipulative MIL over the name we chose for our son, and that was the final straw for me as far as trying to appease her. I basically made DH deal with it, and wasn't going to talk to her until it blew over (she had sent me a very nasty email). From there on out, it was much easier to shut her down when she started lecturing me on other parenting choices (co-sleeping, holding the baby too much, etc.)

[LaLaLaLa]

I'm so totally anti-confrontational, this would be a really hard situation for me. What I'd do () is pretend like I forgot all about the conversation where she got hysterical and got me to agree on the name. Later, either because she brings it up again just to be sure, or after the baby is born and you announce the name (one that ISN'T hers), I'd act surprised when she throws a fit. When she reminds you that you promised, I'd be all "Really? When did I ever promise THAT? We didn't choose a family name because we didn't want to leave anyone out, since we know there are only going to be the two grandkids. Man, being pregnant does crazy things to my brain; I feel like I can't remember anything anymore!" Moving on.

But, as I said, I'm anti-confrontational like that and would also totally have caved in the first place, then regretted it.

[woodchick]

Will the babies have your husband's last name?

I agree with the ladies above- stick to your guns and and have DH tell MIL that now that you've had time to think and talk things over you've decided to go with X and Y for names. I'd like to think she'll get over it.

[HeatherB]

Perhaps you'll have two boys.