Excluded little girl at school. What can I do? - Page 3

[mommy2maya]

I really really don't think it is very possible for groups of three girls to get on very well at this age. Really really. The triad is a bad bad idea. It is either 2 or more than three to work best without anyone feeling excluded.

[SaoirseC]

I'm posting as an adult who had issues as a kid. I actually did fine socially (as far as I remember), but somehow there were certain parents who knew that my homelife was less than ideal, and paid a little more attention to me than they did other kids. I am very grateful for these parents, because exposure to them enriched my life. However, as I grew older I became aware that I was pitied, and I took this knowledge into my adult life, feeling that any "normal" person only interacted with me because they wanted to feel like they were doing the "right" thing.

Anyway, i just wanted to share my perspective on this, as a person who has been "helped" by others. I don't really have any specific answers for you, but I wanted to remind you that this little girl's sense of dignity should be preserved in whatever you do (and so should her mother's). Giving her the impression that she is "not okay" or her family is "not okay" is only going to exacerbate the situation (how can someone feel like they have something to offer others if they are "not okay"?)

I think it's important for you to truly analyze your feelings and motivations for helping her. Don't take this the wrong way, as I'm sure you have good intentions, but it's worthwhile for you to think about whether or not you feel superior in any way to this mother, and how the little girl might pick up on that.

It's important to remember that this little girl is making choices for herself and shouldn't be viewed as a victim. Instead, it may be more helpful to focus on little ways that you can equip her to be accepted (without compromising on who she is)- teaching her social graces so to speak, while also working with the other kids on inclusiveness.

[carfreemama]

SaoirseC, I can certainly see where you're coming from. All along, I've been worried about my motivations and perceptions in this situation.

FWIW, I think I actually more identify with this little girl than feel superior to her. I grew up very much as she did, social difficulties and all. So I think over-identifying is the thing I need to be very careful of. I truly don't think I feel superior to her mother, but then how would I know for sure? Acknowledging the yucky things about ourselves is pretty hard! But I come from a very co-op-type of perspective. Our family lived in a very tight-knit housing co-op for 10 years, where all the kids WERE everyone's business to some extent. I know that's not the way it works in public school, but my inclination is always to reach out to people and form bonds and connections.

As a little update, we've had our ups and downs. I was actually told by one of the teachers that my dd and a friend had been mean to this little girl recently (nothing major, but some teasing). Obviously, that was NOT okay; so we had a big talk about it. Dd insists that LG had been mean to her, so she thought it was okay to be mean back. So we are not the "good ones" in this situation.

On a positive note, I did see dd and LG holding hands as they walked to school today. The triad really does seem to be a problem. I think dd actually likes LG (little girl) and does better with her one-on-one. It HAS been better since I backed off the amateur social worker drill, but I still think it's important that issues of inclusivity are addressed.

[madskye]

DD, 5, has a strong "alpha" personality and it is a lot of work. She can also be very sweet and kind but she can also be singleminded as far what she wants to play or who she wants to play with...one thing I have been doing is reading a lot fairy tales and myths and legends to her lately. We talk about what is a Hero or Heroine or Princess...unfailingly, they are brave and kind and do the right thing...they standup for what they believe in. It's easy to lead that into a school conversation. Last year she had a new girl in her class and we talked about how the new girl might be scared and need someone to help her. I think, as someone with a strong personality, she/we share a social responsibility to get that socialization going early on, or she could easily turn Queen Bee-ish.

I would focus on your own daughter, and teacher her the importance of being inclusive. Let her know that you are proud of her kindness, and you think it is important. There's a thread on bullying over in the Learning at School forum and someone posted a study that having a peer stick up for you can negate alot of the negativity of being bullied. The child recognizes that someone else felt strongly enough about them to intercede.

If you want to talk to the school, I'd talk to them in reference to your own child--that you are seeing exclusionary behavior within her group, and you want to know how the school handles and how you can help at home. I think it would be off to talk to the school about another childs issues without first discussing it with her own parents.

[carfreemama]

madskye, those are good suggestions. Dd loves fairytales, so I think I'll try incorporating that message like you have.

As far as the school, it is dd I want to talk to them about and in fact, I did. It seems to be that when dd is with one particular friend of hers and the LG, the dynamic is bad and my dd and her friend CAN be unkind. It's hard to admit that about my own kid, but I've seen it. So I spoke to the school about exactly what you said, exclusionary behaviour within dd's group. It's the teacher who speaks a lot about LG in that context and how her behaviour makes it hard for the kids to accept her. But I've asked the teacher to let me know about any further issues with my dd and had a couple of discussions with dd. In the last couple of weeks, I have noticed marked improvement in the overall dynamics between LG and my dd and the teacher has told me the same thing. My husband says he sees chameleon-like behaviour in dd. She can (and usually is) sweet and loving towards her friends and seems to be quite popular; but she can also join in when kids are being unkind. Because she has a strong personality, she could influence a group positively or negatively. We are really trying to address that. Talking this stuff through with dd DOES seem to be helping. I don't think she's trying to be a "mean kid." I just think, as you say, she doesn't quite know/have the courage to "do the right thing" and we can help her with that. We've set pretty clear boundaries around her behaviour in this regard, though we don't punish.