the sad phase

[meemee]

do your children go through sad phases right from when they are 3 or 4 and older? some sort of sadness whatever their focus be? death or just sad about something happened to them. i dont mean just crying though it could be there, but more of a sadness. i dont know how to put it.

i have noticed dd has gone thru phases of sadness since she was 2. when she wants something that she cannot have. the earliest i remember was from a book when she saw the character go into the woods she thought they were lost forever and started crying because she would never see them again she thought.

does it happen to your children?

i wonder if its an 'emotional growth spurt' because i notice the difference in maturity and acceptance after that phase.

[meemee]

wow no one has replied yet.

do your kids not go thru sad periods of time? when they are super sensitive and even little things make them upset, like seeing someone take the family cat away in a movie causes lots of tears or sighs or sadness?

[ssh]

My DD has had a few emotional phases (at 2.5, 3.5 and about 3 months after turning 4) where she gets upset or angry easily. It's more an emotionally fragile period than a sad one for her though. It's always taken real life events to effect her though. If a book is sad she adds on to the story and changes the plot. We're pretty particular about what we watch and have stressed that it's all pretend and not real at all. She expects the good guys to win, the hero/heroine to save everyone and a happy ending in movies.

[One_Girl]

Are you talking about long phases or short relatively momentary ones? My dd has been sad that she couldn't have something she wanted but I wouldn't call it a stage. She does have a friend who seems to go through definite up and down periods as well as periods of talking very badly about himself or dwelling on things a lot. They last for long stretches of time, weeks not just an occassional bad day.

[meemee]

how should i phrase it. a kind of an emotional fragile state. where they take anything sensitive to heart. not momentarily sad. not because they didnt get it. but more along the lines of being aware of the world around them and being sad.

for instance my neighbour got rid of her snails in front of dd when dd was 3. dd was absolutely mortified and sad for the snails mommy and daddy that would miss it. she dwelt on it for a while and then was ok. but she was really sad at how sad the parents would be.

at her 2nd bday someone gave her a clifford movie which i watched with her. in teh last scene clifford runs into a grove of trees. dd thought clifford was GONE and she would never see him again. oh boy i turned around and see her silently weeping with large tears rolling down her cheeks. i quickly changaed to teh extras so she could see clifford again.

at 5 she got really upset with her dad for something and spent one night crying for two hours straight about why does he not understand her. etc. she wasnt just crying she was sad adn mourning.

[LuxPerpetua]

Well, my dd (4.5) has gone through sensitive phases where she feels things more deeply--like last night she started crying because dh told her she had to be 18 to vote. It tends to be more on the angry side, though, like little things will make her frustrated or upset--like not being the one to reach our front door first or something. However, we don't do any media and all our books are "happy" so that probably has helped a lot. We are Christian so we do talk about death but not as a finality, so perhaps that has helped as well.

[PreggieUBA2C]

Meemee, our four boys do definitely go through what you have described and it has begun for all of them within the time between 18 months and 2 yrs old. I think it has to do with a new recognition and awareness of how things are in the world and in themselves that brings this. I have times like that, as does dp, so assumedly, this began sometime in childhood at the times when we became aware.

I have also noticed that these periods of mourning or sadness coincide with a leap in awareness and cognition; I think it is healthy. Our boys don't end up stuck in that condition, and if I saw that they were not successfully working through it, I would address it more proactively because there is a long history of depression in both dp's and my families.

It seems from what you've posted that your dd is very aware of the layers beneath the surface of a situation, and that she recognises the conflict of some of them with what she values, resulting in mourning. You might find more resources to reassure you in the gifted forum or other gifted sites because gifted children have a tendency toward deep emotional responses at earlier ages than is usually anticipated (and parents of gifted children are usually veeeery familiar with how this works out in daily life) and oftentimes/usually these deep feelings continue to deepen into adulthood.

I have no idea if the label applies to your dd, but it really doesn't matter as much as that you may find a lot of commonalities with others in this particular aspect of your dd's development, if you are interested.

[meemee]

aww thank you preggieUBA2C - i was just seeing how many children actually do this.

yes my dd is gifted, but that's not why i asked.

i am also a single mother and one of the things we do is blame ourselves a lot. i know my friends have had to remind me that its not my fault how my daughter is, but its developmental. that it is part of life that they go thru these sad phases, not because we are single parents. a family breaking up may increase the sadness but may not be the only reason for the sadness, get what i mean?

thank you for the reassurances. i am not worried esp. when i see the leap afterwards and realise it was a growth spurt you know.

perhaps her life experiences have also perhaps 'aggravated' things for her, however it has also contributed a lot to her own experiences. she also does not see death as final.

you know LuxPerpetua - my dd has had more than her share of sadness. and in a sense i will say that has been a v. v. positive experience. she lost both her step gma and gpa when she was 5 within a month of each other. she was very involved in their caregiving and was holding their hand as they passed. she even sang in her gma's memorial service and we held a personal one for her for gpa as she needed closure. she also misses her two other gmas who are a long distance away. then not being able to spend time with both mommy and daddy. she is fine with single parenthood, but she would like to have dinner or do something together as a family which her dad is still not ready to do yet.

i must say helping her gparents really helped with her mourning. took it to a different depth than just missing them.

i am alright with dd's sad phase. in fact if anything i am happy about it. it gives us a place to deeply connect. in fact i sometimes 'initiate' some kind of ritual too. like for instance somedays we just sit down and mourn - that life is hard. that every time we make a choice it is at the cost of something else we cannot do. happy and sad at the same time. these grieving circles really help dd. its like a cleansing. we sit and cry or be sad and then we are done and move on. i think that really helps dd not to hold on to anything.

and so for her i find these sad phases to be v. normal things.

[ellemenope]

Yes.

We are in one now I suspect. A couple of weeks ago, something clicked on in DD's brain, and now she gets offended and her feeling hurt, like overnight.

Yesterday, I told her not to sit on her book. "Please get off the book. We don't sit on books. We read books."

She put her head on the ground, unresponsive. So I went over and lifted her off the book. She melted into a ball of tears. She lied back on the floor and just moaned.

I think she was embarrassed she messed up. This was not a tantrum. She was just sad.

Then, a couple of days ago. I told my husband, jokingly, "I don't want nothing to to with her. She is driving me crazy. She is all yours." I was just playing into the exhausted SAHM husband just got home thing.

Well, DD's face just crumbled. Huge tears ran down her face, and she cried "mama, mama, mama", and held onto me so tight.

It was horrible! I will never ever ever say such a thing again. I mean, she is 22 months. I had no idea she would have understood such a quick comment made to my husband. I feel so rotten about that still.

I am going to go wake her up and give her a hug.

[meemee]

YES!!!! this is EXACTLY what i am talking about ellemenope. and hey i find your name v. v. witty

i think it is all so normal that we dont really notice it. i remember at 18 months my dd just losing it - not a tantrum because after crossing the street my foot stepped on the pavement before hers did.

yup yup!!!