How/when do you decide to quit? (secondary infertility)

[gabry]

We've been trying to have a third child since ds2 was born. I had 2 m/c after ds1, 3 after ds2, the last one after IUI. Ds2 is almost 4, I'm almost 40 and I'm starting to think I should count my blessings and quit. But I'm afraid of how it'll feel to make that "official". Did anyone decide to quit and then start using some form of birth control again?

[lesliesara63]

That's a hard thing. I'm sorry for all of your losses. We took two years to conceive dd2. At that time there would be no stopping. We would have moved on to adoption if fertility treatments were not successful. Now we are at it again for #3. Its hard because people feel free to say hey aren't you happy with the kids you have. You should feel lucky. I don't know about you, but I want to try for the family size of my dreams - not theirs. I don't know when we will say enough si enough. At the start of all this I said we would do up to injectibles but not IVF, but I don't know if that is true anymore. Lately I've been thinking that I would do it. If we don't conceive and give up on treatments there will be no birth control use for us. I'm 35 now and if I conceive when I'm 40 or more then so be it.

[swd12422]

I think you just have to feel it to know when to stop. I had a very hard time when we were TTC, and I told DH up front that I wanted an "escape plan" once it became apparent we needed help. I wanted to know before we went down the fertility treatment path where our point of no return was. It didn't matter. We got sucked in to "let's just try this" and it ended up being very stressful and expensive. Not saying you should or shouldn't consult an RE, but I definitely think you should come up witha circumstance or date or something that will be your "stop and think about what we're about to do" point. Maybe it's your 40th or 41st or 42nd birthday. Maybe it's when your OB-GYN refers you to a specialist. Maybe it's when the specialist recommends a donor or IVF.

At any rate, try to have a plan of some sort. It'll help you feel less helpless and if you do it before you go any further, you'll be a little less emitional and more rational/realistic in being able to determine what you want. I wish we had done that -- it was a complete rollercoaster.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[gabry]

Thanks for your replies. Swd, I'm sorry you had a rough time going through treatments..
I think that we've already settled the issue of fertility treatments - I don't want any more (even though I only had an IUI, I thought it was awful). I had always thought that we would keep trying (with or without help) until I'm menopausal, but now I find myself wondering if there shouldn't be a clear "cut". I guess, as it seems less and less likely that it'll still happen, I'm starting to rationalize and find ways to be ok with that ("Imagine how hard it would be to be up all night again" etc.). And then, if and when I reach a point that I'm ok with that, we should make it "official". I hope I'm making sense..
The other thing is, even though we're currently not actively trying, I still feel so bad each month when I get my period. I can't keep myself from hoping, fantasizing, and maybe I just want to stop putting myself through that all the time.
I clearly have some more thinking to do, and you both gave me some more things to think about, thanks.

[swd12422]

Originally Posted by gabry

...
The other thing is, even though we're currently not actively trying, I still feel so bad each month when I get my period. I can't keep myself from hoping, fantasizing, and maybe I just want to stop putting myself through that all the time.
...

You're not alone in this at all. If there was ever anything I was 100% clear on, it was that I didn't care about getting pregnant. I just wanted to be a mommy, and that was how we thought we'd get there. We adopted DS and can't imagine having had it any other way. I don't long for the labor and delivery, the morning sickness, the big pg belly, the watching things progress over the ~40 weeks. Doesn't matter to me. But I've made lots of changes in my diet and lifestyle, and there are signs pointing to the possibility that I wouldn't have had fertility issues at all if I'd made those changes years ago. So each month, I look for signs that I'm ovulating, try to predict when my period will start, and a teeny tiny little part of me wants to *oops* get pg -- just so I know it's all in working order now. But I really DON'T want to be pg! I'm over 40, would be a high-risk/high-anxiety pregnancy, and besides we're not even sure we want to add another baby to the family. So yeah, it's a little confusing in here now... Hang in there.

[wallabi]

omg - so not alone in that! I am in a similar place to swd, actually - we adopted our dd after years of trying and just like you, can`t imagine it any other way. I am gluten intolerant or celiac and the changes that have gone with discovering that have left me feeling like pg may be a possibility now/someday, and part of me wants desperately to have another child (our foster adopt license is still open too) but another part of me wants so badly to move past the monthly ups and downs and focus on the wonderful life I have now. we`re actively trying, though only sort of, as we haven`t started working with a dr. again, and I just can`t decide whether I want to go down the testing and treatment road again. and the rationalizing reasons why no more children would be an okay thing -"rationalizing" is just the word I needed to describe that.

anyway - I am afraid that didn`t contribute much to the OP - sorry - I just felt a need to share that feeling with someone who would understand - thanks!

sara

[bluehairedwoman]

Hi there, I don't know if I have an answer to your question. I don't know if I'll ever truly be at peace with a decision to 'stop trying'. But for me, 'trying' means going through another fresh IVF cycle because I have no frozen embryos (they all died except for one which turned out to be my DD ) , which we can't do right now, and my chances of getting pg naturally are pretty much zilch. So we probably won't ever start using birth control. Even though I just turned 40, whatever happens, happens. I would give anything to give DD a sibling.

But then again, I've only been pregnant once, have never suffered repeated m/c, and I don't know the pain of getting pg only to lose the pregnancy. I could imagine that if I was in that situation I wouldn't be able to tolerate the emotional strain and grief that recurrent m/c brings. If it were me and I felt that I couldn't possibly withstand another potential loss, I might want to throw in the towel and quit while I was ahead.

Good luck to you!

[babygrey]

Originally Posted by lesliesara63

Its hard because people feel free to say hey aren't you happy with the kids you have. You should feel lucky. I don't know about you, but I want to try for the family size of my dreams - not theirs..

Thank you for saying this, I really need to read this right now. I wish I had some advice for the OP, but I'm just starting and I'm already feeling a twinge of guilt- the "shouldn't I be happy with what I have" voice.

gabry- the need for finality of your decision really makes sense to me. I don't know what we'll do if/when we get there, but I can totally see myself wanting the same sort of thing so I didn't always have my hopes up in the back of my mind.