Seem some guidance on how to advise sister who just had LO !!!!

[nicole528]

Hi Everyone!
My sister and I are very close, but we are true opposites! I had my DD in November (natural waterbirth at a birth center) and she just had her DS yesterday (typical hospital birth). Here is my problem: The baby was born less than 24 hours ago and her husband already told her not to pick him up when he started fussing last night (said something like "don't want to pick him up every time he cries"). I almost dropped the phone! Luckily, her instincts took over and she did pick him up. She said once LO heard her voice, he stopped fussing. This morning when she told me her husband said this, I tried to explain to her that the baby needs to be held, especially right now!! I don't really think my sister wants to hear what I have to say, though, regarding parenting. (They think my husband and I are a little 'different' with our babywearing, co-sleeping, etc). My sister and her husband are clearly not going to practice attachment parenting, and I am okay with that, but I'm not sure how to deal with my own beliefs on what a baby needs and what will be their style of parenting. Because my sister and I are so close, I am going to be spending a lot of time with her and the baby. Should I just swallow what I feel this baby needs since he is not my child or should I push her to do what I feel is best for this LO? Sorry to write such a long post... just not sure where else to turn to process these feelings I am having! Thanks, everyone, for reading!
-Nicole (mama to DD 11/09)

[jabeen]

Even mainstream parenting/infant development sources of info recommend not letting a baby cry during the first few months. I'd maybe print out info from Baby Center, sites like that, to show it's not just wacky AP people who advocate attending to a baby's needs at this age!

[jildez]

i completely feel you! My sister had her kids before me, though she is younger. Still, she is much more traditional, even though our mom is raised us breastfeeding, cloth diapering and vegetarian. So, while we don't own a TV, CD, sleep with our son, are planning on extended bfing, she made much more traditional choices (although i have to give her HUGE credit, she managed to bf triplets for 7 mnths- which i think is amazing, esp considering at 3 mnths she started working again and by 5 mnths was working ft).

My sister has great about giving advice if i ask- even asking if i want her two cents, and just keeping her mouth shut. it seems like we have gotten to the point where we say things like 'i just want to vent' or "what do you think" to kind of let each other know where we are coming from. I have to give her credit for this, after a couple tense conversations, i think she said we need to use discliamers (we live far apart, so me mostly txt n call)- but maybe something similar will work for you.

ETA: i grew up in Newark! and my parents and the sis i am talking about are still there, good to see someone from home on MDC.

[akind1]

I get you; my sister doesn't have kids yet, but she's an early ed. major (I am of the opinion that sometimes a little knowledge is a dangerous thing!) - I really should say she's her degree in early ed. And already I know we have issues, as she thinks NIP without a cover shouldn't be "done" because it makes people uncomfortable, extended BF'ing is done to keep babies more "dependent" on their mamas, and that is just the tip of the iceberg!

I doubt she would listen to my opinions on much, though she did think my Moby was interesting.

The best thing you can do is to set an example with your LO and maybe do some thinking out loud when she's around. Like "I'll pick up baby because the AAP or something says babies can't self soothe until . . ." gentle education.

[jdg]

I've seen the book The Happiest Baby on the Block get recommended often. It's mainstream, not "wacky" at all - advocates nursing, swaddling, rocking. It's not AP, but is a "gentle" mainstream book. You might want to pick up a copy for your sister. And if she and her husband have already decided that you raise your kids too strangely to be a good source of advice, ask another family member to actually give it to her.

[SilverFish]

oof... i know this struggle all too well! my sister and i have almost the same relationship, and i've already had to bite my tongue several times while she feeds her not quite 4 month old full meals of baby food, and while she advises me to put the baby in the crib to sleep and to start solids early, and so on. unfortunately, her baby is a couple months older than mine, so she has the BTDT advantage. in your case, you have the slight advantage since your's is older. you may be able to offer her some guidance when she has questions, but in the end, you may just have to bite your tongue in order to respect her decisions as a parent. i find that even most mainstream parents, even though they talk about sleeping through the night and not "spoiling" the baby and so on, they usually do listen to their baby's cues and do the right thing. my sister is always going on about STTN and sleeping in the crib, etc. but i know for a fact that her babe usually ends up cuddling with mom and dad for a good portion of the night.

[texaspeach]

if you want to give them a book, the baby care book put out by the aap says you should be responsive to your baby's cries. our ped gave it to us - it's very mainstream, but even it says not to ignore your baby (and advocates rooming in for the first 6 months to facilitate breastfeeding, and does not advocate RIC!).

eta: it's called Your Baby's First Year. it says by responding to your baby's cries promptly, he will cry less overall

The book Helping Baby Sleep gives the whys behind not letting baby cry.

[isabchi]

Print this out!
http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/...enNeedTou.html
Good luck!