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Military Moms: May - June - Page 6

post #101 of 517
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post
Deployments are so hard, especially if you aren't expecting them. I don't know if your friend's dh is/was NG or Reserve, too, but their deployments can be harder on everyone than ADs. I remember reading about a lot of families losing their homes and such when their Reserve and NG members were deployed because they took big pay cuts. Obviously, if a marriage is already in trouble, a deployment can move things closer to a break-up. It's unfortunate that she has to broadcast her marital problems to everyone on FB. Maybe she doesn't have anyone to talk to about it. If I had a family member doing that, I think I might have to say something to someone about the inappropriateness of it.
He's AF, went to Korea while she was pregnant. They were married for a few years prior to this and as far as I know they weren't having problems. He had a 6 month deployment before this one and she definitely handled it much better, so I would think the combination of circumstances has a lot to do with it. I've tried talking to her about it and giving her some resources but she wasn't too receptive, most of her other military friends have pretty much been driven away by the drama going on.
post #102 of 517
Quote:
Originally Posted by KatieJD View Post
He's AF, went to Korea while she was pregnant. They were married for a few years prior to this and as far as I know they weren't having problems. He had a 6 month deployment before this one and she definitely handled it much better, so I would think the combination of circumstances has a lot to do with it. I've tried talking to her about it and giving her some resources but she wasn't too receptive, most of her other military friends have pretty much been driven away by the drama going on.
Each deployment has been harder for me. Each time my dh leaves for months at a time I feel less and less connected to him. We just aren't together enough to keep the closeness of our relationship together. He's been gone more than he's been home. It seems we fight almost every time we talk (mostly my fault because I get annoyed by the littlest things) so we've resorted to texting because that tends to go better. I do still love him, though, so I just hold on to the idea that we can get things back at some point when we are together again, like when people say they became close again after the kids all grew up and moved out and they could really focus on each other again. Maybe your friend is going through something like that.

I don't know. I'm usually shocked by the way most people seem to handle relationships. It's all very bizarre to me. I think a lot of people expect that exciting, honeymoon feeling to last forever and when it starts to fade and things get settled and mundane they think they must not be in love anymore.
post #103 of 517
I won't share my particulars, but I can totally understand her anger. HOWEVER, I wouldn't share it on facebook.
post #104 of 517
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post
Each deployment has been harder for me. .

I don't know. I'm usually shocked by the way most people seem to handle relationships. It's all very bizarre to me. I think a lot of people expect that exciting, honeymoon feeling to last forever and when it starts to fade and things get settled and mundane they think they must not be in love anymore.


If it were a friend of mine I would tell her that she's making a fool of herself by airing her dirty laundry in public. She's not making her husband look bad, she's making herself look bad.

Have ya'll looked into the census? Boy, is it ever messed up for military. Since DH is deployed, we don't count him here. Since he's on a ship w/a US homeport he'll be counted for the county we currently live in. If he was deployed overseas not on a ship w/a US homeport he'd be counted by the military using his home of record (on the other side of the country). Check it out here. Counting military members and their dependents in the current place they are living is fair for resource allocation, but not necessarily for representation for those, like us, who vote elsewhere.
post #105 of 517
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post
I don't know. I'm usually shocked by the way most people seem to handle relationships. It's all very bizarre to me. I think a lot of people expect that exciting, honeymoon feeling to last forever and when it starts to fade and things get settled and mundane they think they must not be in love anymore.
I agree. My marriage is pretty different from most people's, we never really went through a honeymoon stage and have never really been very romantic people. We're more like comfortable companions and that works very well for us. Separations help us to find those romantic feelings so in a way it has helped to improve our marriage by adding a dimension that wasn't there before.

I do realize how one's marriage can be influenced by deployment, and I also realize that we all handle deployments differently but making it such a public thing isn't good for anyone. I really do want to say something but I don't like confrontation and I'm just hoping that once they're together again her mind-set will change and she'll be an adult about it for the sake of all parties involved, especially their child.

I got a note about the census bur haven't received it in the mail yet.
post #106 of 517
Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingMomma View Post
Have ya'll looked into the census? Boy, is it ever messed up for military. Since DH is deployed, we don't count him here. Since he's on a ship w/a US homeport he'll be counted for the county we currently live in. If he was deployed overseas not on a ship w/a US homeport he'd be counted by the military using his home of record (on the other side of the country). Check it out here. Counting military members and their dependents in the current place they are living is fair for resource allocation, but not necessarily for representation for those, like us, who vote elsewhere.
Yeah, I just filled mine out. I really wasn't sure whether to count Sean or not. Technically, he will not be living in our home on April 1. Since this school is a PCS move, Oklahoma is his home right now as far as the military is concerned. However, it's a temporary home to us since he'll be coming back here and we'll be staying for another 3 years (hopefully). I went ahead and counted him.
post #107 of 517
Thread Starter 
Finally got some info about redeployment. My FRG has dropped the ball but brigade is keeping me up to date. Apparently our old FRG leader quit because there was a paid guy who was supposed to be helping and completely neglected his job so she was fed up and left. It looks like they'll get in and we'll get 15 minutes to say hello and they'll have a 15 minutes welcome ceremony, then they'll go to do their briefings and security stuff for about 2 hours. I'm going to take everyone's advice and go home during that time and then go back to pick him up later. That makes the most sense to me now that I know how it's all going to work.

The friend I mentioned before is still carrying on on Facebook so I said something to her today, along the lines of "deployments can be hard, marriage counseling can help. I hope you can work things out for the sake of your family". That's really all I'm going to say at this point. Just a really sad situation.
post #108 of 517
Yay, Katie! So exciting that your dh will be home soon. Yeah, I couldn't hang around somewhere for 2 hours with my LOs. I'd be exhausted by the time my dh was ready to go home. Who would drive?

That was a good thing to say to your friend. You can't mend their marriage. Another thing I just thought of with deployments is that people change afterward. My dh was a very romantic guy. (I'm not much.) He was always doing sweet, little things for me. Mushy cards for no reason, sending me flowers, making a picnic lunch of my fave foods to eat on the living room floor when we couldn't go anywhere. That sort of thing. He would do fun, spontaneous stuff like that for our teenage ds, too, and did a lot to take care of the baby when he came. He almost always cooked dinner and he helped a lot with housework. After he came back from his first deployment he didn't do any of those things. He would leave his clothes and things all over the house. He wouldn't cook dinner unless I really nagged him about it. If he was out and picked himself up a soda or something, he wouldn't even bother to ask if any of us wanted one. Then he'd be surprised that our teenage ds was upset that he didn't get a soda. Or he'd make himself something to eat for lunch and, again, not even bother to ask if anyone else wanted anything and get annoyed when one of us would ask him to make more. Little things like that had changed so that it seemed sometimes he wasn't even aware of us, much less thinking about us the way he used to.

I don't know if it was the stress of what they had done. Their deployment was extended by about 4 months because they ended being involved in the "Fight for Fallujah" and then security while Iraqis voted. He didn't tell me much about what happened during that time but he did tell our teenage son that he had seen a lot of dead people. I know he had to go out on patrols for weeks at a time and got in fire fights. We can all guess the rest. Or maybe it was that he had gotten so used to being on his own that it was hard to transition back to being a family man. Probably a combination of both. All of that made things pretty difficult between his first and 2nd deployments. I changed a lot, too (or so my dh says). Oddly, after his 2nd deployment he was back to his old self.

I can see how that kind of change, especially if it happens a little more with each deployment, could break down a marriage. You get used to doing things yourself in your own way. A lot of women learn that they can do a lot of things without a man and start to wonder if they really need one. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if their marriage was good and strong before all of the deployments, they may have changed while apart so that things aren't good anymore. Both parties have to be extremely committed to working on making the marriage work, moreso than in civilian marriages. If one person isn't willing to work or change, there's nothing anyone else can do. It is sad but it happens all the time. The divorce rate in the military, especially during wartime, is higher than the general public and that's around 50%, right?
post #109 of 517
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post
Both parties have to be extremely committed to working on making the marriage work, moreso than in civilian marriages. If one person isn't willing to work or change, there's nothing anyone else can do. It is sad but it happens all the time. The divorce rate in the military, especially during wartime, is higher than the general public and that's around 50%, right?
I agree with you 100%. DH and I were talking about this last night in fact. It seems like there's a trick you have to learn, part coping mechanism of having to function on your own and then learning the trick to staying in love with your partner. We have certainly had our rough spots and this deployment has been our best experience yet, I think we really committed ourselves to getting our priorities straight ahead of time and not doing what we've done during previous separations where we get on each other's nerves and feel resentful. It takes a lot of commitment to figure out what your version of normal is after a deployment as well and deal with the hard stuff. It will certainly be interesting to figure out how being a family of 4 works. I think the divorce rate may be as high as 85% depending on the occupation in the Army?
post #110 of 517
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post
Each deployment has been harder for me. Each time my dh leaves for months at a time I feel less and less connected to him. We just aren't together enough to keep the closeness of our relationship together. He's been gone more than he's been home.
I completely know this feeling. Before we moved to FL, he was gone 3 months, back 3 months, gone 3 months...That went on from 04-06. It was unbelievably hard on our relationship. When he'd be home, there was training and there were times that I was gone for training.

My husband is the most awesome man in the world but there was a time about 5 years ago that it was so tough I really had doubts. His dad died, he came home early from Afghanistan and I didn't even want to see him. I actually went back early and left him with his family. I was just completely overwhelmed.

We got through it and we're better than ever.

Now, one thing I don't support is throwing your business out on the internet and badmouthing your spouse to the world. I think that's an entirely different issue and is one of the most disrespectful things you can do. Don't get me wrong, DH can do things that drive me nuts and I'll vent, but you'll never hear me say he isn't a good man or a wonderful father.
post #111 of 517
Quote:
Originally Posted by KatieJD View Post
It seems like there's a trick you have to learn, part coping mechanism of having to function on your own and then learning the trick to staying in love with your partner.
Yeah, I thought I had 3 basic choices after my dh returned from that first deployment. I could stay in the marriage and resent him for not being the person he was when we met and married. I started to think that I had been duped. Like he had done all those things for me to hook me and now he could be his real self. A big reason why I married him was because he took such good care of me. I don't mean financially. When we met I was working and making more money than he. He took care of me physically and emotionally. After years of me having to take of myself and my child all the time, that was so nice. I could leave. Or I could accept that he was different but that didn't make him a bad person or a liar or anything like that. He was still the man I had fallen in love with. I understood that relationships are not 50/50 all the time, if ever. Most of the time one person gives more than the other but the giver can switch. It goes back and forth. For whatever reason, he needed to be taken care of at that time and it was my turn to give/do more. I think as any marriage ages most people have to make some effort to stay "in love" with their partners.

My main issue right now is that I resent my dh often for getting to be a bachelor again. He goes away for training or schools and lives on his own without having to even think about taking care of others while I have to do everything for everyone at home all the time. I get so exhausted. After being a single parent for so long that was one thing I never wanted to do again. I have to remember that my dh doesn't choose to leave. He has to for his job. He doesn't want to be away from us. It makes him sad that he is missing out on so much time with his children. Yeah, he made the choice to join the military knowing that he would be away a lot but I supported him. I wouldn't be able to do things I'm doing now if it weren't for that.
post #112 of 517
Thread Starter 
That is some excellent insight, I think it's important to have these talks because it offers up a whole new perspective. I try to look at it like you do in that it's a job and my DH is working hard to provide for us, it's not something he intentionally wants to do in spite of us. Similar to what you said, a good friend once told me that it won't always be 50/50, sometimes it'll be 80/20 and one partner will have to pick up the slack and help pull the other out of their slump. I try to keep that in mind a lot of the time.

That and finding Mr. Right isn't about living in a perfect glass bubble but finding the person you want to do the hard work with for the rest of your life, it took me a long time to figure that one out but I'd like to think that all my crappy relationships up until I met DH had led me to that point. As far as living apart, I had previous long distance relationships, one for almost 3 years, so I think I was somewhat prepared for what to expect as far as maintaining things through phone calls and email. This deployment was one of the first times we ever parted without fighting during the days prior and him leaving without us talking and saying goodbye, getting things off on the right foot really set the tone for everything.

As far as the friend, she said (on Facebook, of course) that her husband doesn't trust her and she doesn't want to do the work to fix the marriage because of that. She doesn't think she loves him anymore. I guess I'd have a hard time trusting my spouse too if they openly flirted and talked about having cyber sex with another guy online, but I guess if she really ends up wanting to salvage it she'll look into counseling.

Going to give myself a pedicure while the kids nap, I'm loving that Spring is finally here.
post #113 of 517
It took me a lot of years to realize that my feelings are my responsibility not someone else's regardless of what they may or may not do. I have to continually and consciously remind myself of that. My dh doesn't do things to purposely hurt me just like I don't do things to purposely hurt him. I think a lot of people don't understand that. They think their spouse should know what they want or need and give it to them. When that doesn't happen they get hurt and resentful. I try to be as honest and open as I can with my dh about how I feel but also communicate to him that it's not his fault and I don't expect him to fix everything.

My dh and I used to fight during the days following up to his deployments and other times when he was going to be away. He would get very stressed about getting ready to leave. I also think he was probably dealing with emotional stuff connected to leaving us. He would detach himself days before he left. It was probably easier for him that way. Once we realized what was going on and talked about it, things got a lot better right before he left. Now we don't fight at all during those times.
post #114 of 517
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post
It took me a lot of years to realize that my feelings are my responsibility not someone else's regardless of what they may or may not do. I have to continually and consciously remind myself of that. My dh doesn't do things to purposely hurt me just like I don't do things to purposely hurt him. I think a lot of people don't understand that. They think their spouse should know what they want or need and give it to them. When that doesn't happen they get hurt and resentful. I try to be as honest and open as I can with my dh about how I feel but also communicate to him that it's not his fault and I don't expect him to fix everything.

My dh and I used to fight during the days following up to his deployments and other times when he was going to be away. He would get very stressed about getting ready to leave. I also think he was probably dealing with emotional stuff connected to leaving us. He would detach himself days before he left. It was probably easier for him that way. Once we realized what was going on and talked about it, things got a lot better right before he left. Now we don't fight at all during those times.
I think you about summed up what every military couple needs to know when facing deployment and other separations. It's okay to have feelings and talk about them but it's how you react as a result of those feelings that matters.

I think the detachment had a lot to do with why we used to fight as well, but I made a really strong point like you described of saying "yes we both feel bad about this and are angry and it's okay to feel that way, but let's enjoy the brief time we have left together and not take it for granted by fighting". He definitely went through a lot of detachment in regards to my pregnancy but I was really understanding about that and didn't blame him for it, we thought he was going to be here for her birth up until a month before he left so as sad as it made me I understood why he didn't want to get emotionally attached at that point and have it be harder to leave.

It seems to be a man thing to want to try and fix everything and feel responsible for everything and they end up being stressed out when really it's easier just to say it is what it is and we'll move on from it. If you can find a bit of inner peace it can go a long way.
post #115 of 517
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post
My dh and I used to fight during the days following up to his deployments and other times when he was going to be away.
This is so common, they should warn everyone about it! Even after we realized what was happening, we continue to struggle with it. The fights are smaller, though, and we are able to brush them off as pre-separation issues.
post #116 of 517
Quote:
Originally Posted by KatieJD View Post
It seems to be a man thing to want to try and fix everything and feel responsible for everything and they end up being stressed out when really it's easier just to say it is what it is and we'll move on from it. If you can find a bit of inner peace it can go a long way.
My dh does this all the time and then he feels gets frustrated and feels bad that he can't fix things for me. It drives me crazy because I don't want him to fix things. I just want him to listen and understand. I get hurt and feel insulted when he tries to find solutions for me, like when he tells me I'd feel better physically and emotionally if I went to the gym. Gee, thanks. As if I didn't know that already. It sure would be nice to go to the gym every day but when I'm the only parent it's hard to get the energy to get everyone up and ready to go. Bleh.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingMomma
This is so common, they should warn everyone about it! Even after we realized what was happening, we continue to struggle with it. The fights are smaller, though, and we are able to brush them off as pre-separation issues.
Yeah, I think they do try to address that some at the predeployment briefs but don't seem to quite hit on it so that you can recognize it when it's happening. We still do have our little squabbles and we're all a little more stressed during those times but since we can now recognize it for what it is we can stop ourselves before things get bad.
post #117 of 517
Katie ~ Here's a FB status I thought you might appreciate right now. A friend of mine posted it.

"If you have a wonderful man that works hard to provide for you and would do anything just for you and your family, then repost this as your status to give the honest well-behaved men out there the recognition that they deserve. Because great men are few and far between and I have one of them!!!"
post #118 of 517
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post
Katie ~ Here's a FB status I thought you might appreciate right now. A friend of mine posted it.

"If you have a wonderful man that works hard to provide for you and would do anything just for you and your family, then repost this as your status to give the honest well-behaved men out there the recognition that they deserve. Because great men are few and far between and I have one of them!!!"
Awww, now THAT is one worth re-posting!
post #119 of 517
Hello, I am new to MDC, although I have been looking around the site for about a week now (specifically about vax exemptions). We live at Fort Bragg, NC. We have one DD who is 14.5 months old.

I am looking for some help from anyone with knowledge about vaccination exemptions that can help me. I hope I am placing this question in the proper place.

Here is my situation:
My DD was on a delayed vax schedule until she was 11 months old and then I stopped because of the all that I learned from the research I was doing. In light of my decision to stop vaccinations, I was getting ready to turn in the Religious Exemption statement to CYS here on-post so my DD can attend hourly care every once in a while. However, another mom that I know just relayed to me her experience and I am wondering if what CYS did was right.

She went in to the CYS office and they gave her a form to take the Chaplain and told her that the Chaplain had to sign it. She did that. She returned the form to CYS and was then told, no, you have to have the Chaplain's signature notarized. So, she went back to the Chaplain and did that. She went back to CYS and was told, no, the Chaplain has to hand-write the statement that was on the form (copy it himself) and then we can take the form.

I was under the impression that the Religious Exemption for NC was just a written statement from the parents to the childcare facility, stating that they (the parents) are against the practice of vaccinations for religious reasons. I had no idea that I had to go to a Chaplain and have him/her write a statement and then get it notarized.

I plan on calling CYS in the morning but I want to be sure I have my facts straight.

Can anyone of you offer any guidance on this?

I appreciate it very much!
~Katherine
post #120 of 517
Quote:
Originally Posted by KittyMM View Post
Hello, I am new to MDC, although I have been looking around the site for about a week now (specifically about vax exemptions). We live at Fort Bragg, NC. We have one DD who is 14.5 months old.

I am looking for some help from anyone with knowledge about vaccination exemptions that can help me. I hope I am placing this question in the proper place.

Here is my situation:
My DD was on a delayed vax schedule until she was 11 months old and then I stopped because of the all that I learned from the research I was doing. In light of my decision to stop vaccinations, I was getting ready to turn in the Religious Exemption statement to CYS here on-post so my DD can attend hourly care every once in a while. However, another mom that I know just relayed to me her experience and I am wondering if what CYS did was right.

She went in to the CYS office and they gave her a form to take the Chaplain and told her that the Chaplain had to sign it. She did that. She returned the form to CYS and was then told, no, you have to have the Chaplain's signature notarized. So, she went back to the Chaplain and did that. She went back to CYS and was told, no, the Chaplain has to hand-write the statement that was on the form (copy it himself) and then we can take the form.

I was under the impression that the Religious Exemption for NC was just a written statement from the parents to the childcare facility, stating that they (the parents) are against the practice of vaccinations for religious reasons. I had no idea that I had to go to a Chaplain and have him/her write a statement and then get it notarized.

I plan on calling CYS in the morning but I want to be sure I have my facts straight.

Can anyone of you offer any guidance on this?

I appreciate it very much!
~Katherine
It isn't the Chaplain you need a signature from. When I went to CYSS, the religious exemption form I was given was to be signed by the Chief of Preventive Medicine (910)907-4223. It specifically stated this on the form. There was nothing mentioning a Chaplain. If you go to CYSS, they will give you this form. It's possible the Chief of Preventive Medicine could require a notarized statement from a Chaplain, so you could have two steps to go through to get it done.
I didn't even bother with it. It wasn't worth it to me. But, if you do go through with this, I'd love to know how it went.
Good luck!
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