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What if you don't like being a mother and/or parent?

post #1 of 45
Thread Starter 
It's not that I don't like mothers and/or children...but I myself don't like being a mother and a parent...I realize that this may not sound very good, but I don't know what to do...I thought that when I had my children that I wanted children, but I just can't stand being a parent. Is it so wrong to not like being a parent? I guess there is nothing I can really do about it though...I have thought of abandoning my husband and children, or divorcing my husband and giving him full custody. To be honest if I had any idea that I would not like it, I wouldn't have had children....You see, I feel as though I am doing my children a disservice by being their mother...I would rather them have a mother who actually wants to be a mother...I really have no interest in being a "mommy"...i don't like playing with them or the whole taking care of them aspect...it makes me feel like I am a nurse who is constantly changing bedpans, giving baths, and feedings...I have a husband and a family who doesn't understand...so what should i do?
post #2 of 45

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad.

Have you thought about seeing a physician to discuss possible post partum depression?
post #3 of 45
I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I don't know what advice to give, I'm sure some of the other mamas may have something insightful to offer though. I can't help but think this is related to overall depression you may be experiencing, like a low-grade "functional" depression - you may not even think you feel particularly sad but could still be actual depression.

This is a big enough deal that it's worth talking to someone about (a therapist I mean)

The fact that you can be honest with youself about this is a good sign that you'll be able to face your feelings about this situation and make things better somehow.

Also check out this thread

post #4 of 45
Your kids are very young, and very close in age. I don't think it is too easy for you. I really suggest talking to your dr. and ruling out pp depression, and maybe talk to a counsellor about your feelings too.
post #5 of 45
Thread Starter 
I have been on Zoloft, now on Lexapro and am going to try Wellbutrin...Nothing has really seemed to help...I have been to counseling and am going to try it again...

I am not a touchy-feely person and with children always on me it drives me nuts and they "need" so much from me...I have a hard time having to provide everything for them...I must sound like and maybe I am the most selfish person in the world...I would probably be happier living by myself....Most of the time I just can't deal with having to take care of everyone.
post #6 of 45

I hope you find your way. It would help if you had more support. Are you sahm? IS there any way for you to get a daily time out, even if it's just 1/2 hour? Keep strong.

post #7 of 45
You love your kids, focus on that. You will make a good plan to help you and your family come to terms with what you are feeling. There are many options. Do not feel that there are only dead ends. You can make this situation work. Ask for help, you and your family are worth it. If you need to take a small loan (if possible) and hire a live in nanny for a month or two. Perhaps then you would have the energy to find a creative solution that respects the love that you have for your babies. This is a time for action. Take whatever steps are required to create a good plan of action. You can do it.
post #8 of 45
Thread Starter 
I actually do get lots of breaks from my children...
here is a list of the opportunities...

Parents Night Out...once a month, from 6:30-11:00
Bible Study every Tues. from 9-12
Wedn. night service at church from 6:30-8:00
Sunday service from 11:00-12:30
my now 3 year old is in preschool on tues. and thurs and it is available to have her there from 6:60-6:00.
i am also part of MOPS which offers a Moms night out once a month, so I get a sitter then and if anything else comes up I get a sitter too...but it doesn't really seem to help
then of course we go on lots of outings together..museums play groups, etc. and when we are overloaded we do cut things out of our schedule
post #9 of 45
Violeta, it seems to me that your 'breaks' are either with other parents, or at your church. You don't want to overload with activities, but maybe develop a hobby outside parenting or church? And on the church theme, is there anyone there that you can talk to, an understanding pastor maybe?

I personally found that when I went back to work I became a less frustrated mother. Of course working brings other frustrations as well, so it's not always a good option.

My heart goes out to you. Keep talking about it, don't give up.
post #10 of 45
I feel the same way, a lot of the times. I was diagnosed with bipolor disorder (not severe bipolar, but moderate) and it's extremely difficult for me to take care of myself sometimes, much less other people.
How easy is it for you to stay "present" - ie., not think about the past or the future, just focus on the here and now?
Do you have an official diagnosis for the meds. you are on?
Do you get breaks every day? If you're having a bad day, will your husband step in and do the dishes, make dinner, and put the kids to bed, as an example?
What do you do with your daily breaks? As in, how do you/would you spend your time?
What makes you feel happy and alive? How could you incorporate that into your children's lives?

Just a start here. Take your time:LOL
post #11 of 45
Oh, and about what you should do..........
Your children need you. No matter how horrible you perceive yourself to be, it's better than not having you there at all. Trust me on that one. What you should do is stay strong. Take each day one at a time. Focus on one small issue - mine this week was procrastination - and work on that one small issue at a time. Realize that you will GRADUALLY become a better person and a better mother. Many of us start out that way.... feeling like we can't connect with being a mom, can't stand being clung to and depended upon 24/7....... but if you give it time...... and give yourself a ton of love and a ton of patience.......... you'll start to dance the mommy dance. It sounds like you're too hard on yourself and these feelings stem from anger and maybe some pain in your past you haven't dealt with yet. Try to let go of the guilt and the visions of what a good mother is. BE YOURSELF, AND BE THE BEST YOU, VIOLETA, CAN BE. That's all that matters, and that journey is what will teach your children the most.
post #12 of 45
Maybe being a stay at home mom isn't for you? It is a job, and not every job is right for every person. It doesn't have to be all or nothing (either sahm or reliquish custody to father and leave). If you can find a good placement for them - montossori preschool, relative, home of a friend - maybe you could work part or full time. You may find you really being mom if it is not 24/7.

Good luck. Remember, there are lots of options.
post #13 of 45
Thread Starter 
Originally posted by candiland
How easy is it for you to stay "present" - ie., not think about the past or the future, just focus on the here and now?

I never thought of this before...but I probably focus on the past and/or future more than the present..

Do you have an official diagnosis for the meds. you are on?

so far it is depression, maybe major depression?...but it may be worse than that...if I am not on meds..I have been known not to function almost not at all and not able to take care of my kids. Like not able to make their meals..doing most things other than just surviving is usually what I am able to do...usually anything more than that is too much...
With meds. it takes the edge off, but I tend to get side effects with higher doses.

Do you get breaks every day?

Yes, I do get breaks everyday..at least during nap times and they go to bed usually at 7 and then if if their is some activity where the children are being taken care of.

If you're having a bad day, will your husband step in and do the dishes, make dinner, and put the kids to bed, as an example?

Are you kidding me??? My husband would never step in to help and if I ask him to do anything, it is asking too much...according to him he is to provide for the family and play with the kids...he thinks that that his is only purpose. And for most of our marriage he has been too busy with his career and not around much since we have had children, as in out of town. He is currently out of town for 6 months and today has been a really BAD day...I have called him a few times...but his response is that I need to "toughen up". I don't think that most women with 2 young children would be happy in this situation.

What do you do with your daily breaks?
As in, how do you/would you spend your time?

sleep, play on the computer, read, work on my house (currently painting), garden, clean

What makes you feel happy and alive?

making art...I am an artist, but with being pregnant and nursing it has been sidelined because of the toxic chemicals..
I wish that I could say my spouse makes me feel happy and alive..so that maybe an issue also

How could you incorporate that into your children's lives?

I have been encouraging my daughter to paint, draw, play with "dough", finger paint..etc, all of which she loves and I am very glad that she does..my 18 month old is still into eating everything he gets his hands on so we don't do art too much.

I have thought of going back to work...I am still considering it...maybe it would be a better option for the kids and myself..and maybe better than getting a divorce..though that may be inevitable with a husband like mine.
post #14 of 45
i just want to say you have balls to come here and post that. i admire you.
post #15 of 45

1) i have felt like you! but only briefly; i can't imagine how hard it must be trying to deal with those feelings constantly. i went back to work, then back to being a mom, then back to school (full time) trying to satisfy something in myself by following the advice of others... but after trying all the different lifestyles and serious soul-searching on my part... i've found that being a full-time mom is just where i fit. i *love* being home with my son. but we all have our niches.

2) i'm going to be honest: your husband sounds like a huge part of the problem. you two really need to reconnect. at this point, after just what you've told us of him, i really think it would be in your best interest to *not* leave the kids with him. i think it might help you to go back to work, or try to find something that removes you from the home most of the day. that would also help you become more self-sufficient, plus give you more firm footing when dealing with your husband (as in, "look, we're *both* working outside the home, you need to help out more.")

3) toxic art chemicals should really not be holding you back from doing what makes you happy. there are plenty of non-toxic art supplies out there, as well as a ton of recipes and guidebooks out there for making your own. i've made finger paint before from cornstarch, water, salt and food coloring. absolutely non-toxic (edible, but it doesn't taste good... although for awhile my son loved eating it :LOL), and it worked *perfectly* as paint. there are also a lot of home-made playdough recipes out there made from flour, water, salt, oil and koolaid/coloring that are also just fine to eat. i've also found that personally, other "home" arts can be just as satisfying as "art" arts. i.e., breadmaking, baking, sewing, etc. it fulfills the need to create while fitting in nicely with homemaking.

that's all i can think of right now.

i really hope everything works out for you. i'm glad you can be so honest with yourself.

fwiw, one of my sisters did leave her 3 daughters and her husband to go pursue her dream of becoming an actress / movie star. she succeeded -- that is, she accomplished her dream -- but at the expense of losing all of her family and friends. it is not a path i would advise anyone to take.
post #16 of 45
I felt the same way for a while after my son - I had some depression. I went back to work for a little while, and for me, seeing that the grass was not always greener helped. I made a plan for being successful at home (more time spent with friends with kids during the day helped, and getting a mother's helper).

Now I am a pretty happy stay at home mom, with a preschooler and a new baby.

It is so hard to problem-solve when you are caught up in the day to day frustrations. I agree that talking seriously to your hubby would help.

Best of luck.

post #17 of 45
Thread Starter 
Just for the record, I have had this conversation with my husband so many, many times, but I feel as though I am beating my head against the wall...I do think he/us is a big problem...And yes I agree it probably wouldn't be best to leave the kids with him, but I feel as though I am cornered and am running out of options...
post #18 of 45

You sound like my mom. My mom hated it to the point of growing very resentful of my brother and I and eventually left.

I say push the issue with your husband. And if he ignores it, go to therapy on your own. Whatever happens to you, you don't want to make your kids suffer for it, you know?
post #19 of 45
I am so sorry you are struggling with so many negative emotions. As someone who has struggled (and continues to struggle) with a marriage that has been on the brink of collapse at times, I truly believe that your troubled marriage is probably at the root of your depression. If your partner isn't supporting you, making you feel important and loved, refilling your emotional tank, then you can't help but feel exhausted! Children take so much emotional and physical energy, especially from mom. And if you are not getting that support and have spiraled down to clinical depression you aren't in a good place to make the kind of serious, permanent decisions like the ones you are contemplating (I mean leaving the kids with your dh). Please get yourself into therapy with a *good* therapist, one who seems to understand you and with whom you feel a connection. And please find a way to do something for just you that involves your passion for art. You need to do that for yourself. You need to take care of you since no one else seems to be doing so.

Last year I realized that I was showing signs of clinical depression. I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. I was managing the basics with my dc but wasn't enjoying life. I loved them dearly but just wasn't enjoying being mommy. So I put myself in therapy and I signed up for a writing course. After several years of trying to tell dh that I was unhappy and needed changes in our relationship without seeing any results, I finally put some action behind my words and left. Coming home to an empty house and an "I'm done unless these specific needs are met" letter was a real wake-up call for him. Now we are really working on our marriage in a meaningful way, and I'll stick around as long as he is really trying. And I know now that I have the strength to take my girls and leave if I need to in the future. The writing class has been so wonderful for me and given me the creative, intellectual outlet I desperately needed. I know our situations aren't exactly the same, but I definitely see some similarities. Please feel free to PM me if you need someone to "talk" to...I'm a pretty good listener!
post #20 of 45
I hate to pin depression on everyone who feels a bit off kilter, but it's better to rule it out. I find I feel better all around if I eat right, take extra vitamin b complex and have a good cup of coffee when I need to! Your husband does sound like a big part of the problem, maybe you two could try some counselling together. If he's opposed (and he sounds like the sort who woulld be) tell him it's for you, but you need his support. Or tell him to come with you or you're leaving him! Help yourself, you deserve it! It could really benefit both of you. You need to make time for your art. It fulfills you, not some "parents night out" or church service. Those things are great, but they don't nurture your soul, and you need some soul nurturing right now. If you can find the time for those other activities, can you forego one/some of them and work on your art instead? Really, really try. You talk about leaving the kids with your husband, but that he's not there most of the time, and apparently not there much emotionally either, why do you think they'd be better off with him? Most importantly, no matter what kind of mama you think you are, you are the best mama for your babies. They love you because of who you are and in spite of who you are. A child loves his/her mommy more than any other person in their universe and that will always be you.
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