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What if you don't like being a mother and/or parent? - Page 2

post #21 of 45
Can you afford someone to come in and sit for enough time so you can paint? It sounds to me like you need something that is just for you.
post #22 of 45
I don't have much helpful advice to offer b/c I sincerely can't imagine your situation. But I agree w/the jannan that it took guts to post so honestly here.

It doesn't sound to me like you need any more "you" time. The few times I have found myself feeling somewhat like this - "me" time has only made me want more "me" time - kwim? But people are different...so what's been true for me might not apply to you.

I do have a very difficult marriage with a less than helpful spouse so I can relate to your frustration on that level. It sucks to say the least.

However, I have never found myself at the point where I didn't enjoy my kids. Momentarily...of course :LOL but never with any consistency or a staying feeling of "I don't want to be a mom." In fact, I've always been really critical of moms who work outside the home and don't have to and about how having time to themselves and a career and their own life makes them a "better mother" - what a bunch of crap rationalization I'd think to myself.

You've really given me some food for thought on this biased gut reaction I have. You've presented yourself so simply and eloquently, I can *almost* imagine how you feel even though I am probably one of the most pro-SAHM souls you will find.

I'm not sure what advice to offer, like I said, but I wanted you to know that your post helped me a bit w/my judgement issues. My gut reaction is like that of your dh - toughen up, tough crap because your kids need YOU - not some other mother who will be more into it.

It's like with my dh, yeah, I could probably find a better guy, but he would still have problems and he would never be my kids dad, no one could ever replace my dh in that respect even if they were "better" at it, you know?

Do you not VALUE yourself as a SAHM? Do you feel like mommying is beneath you? I'm not trying to be judgemental here, I'm trying to get at exactly WHY you don't like being a mom. Please don't think I'm trying to flame you or anyone else. But I think a huge part of our feminist culture says that being just a mom is not enough and it's selling ourselves short, when I don't find that to be the case at all. I'm wondering if that's playing a part in this struggle for you.

Do you feel RESENTFUL that your kids have kept you from what you really want to do? Like Art? Or work? Or some career? Do you feel like they are in the way?

Obviously, you don't get a lot of support in any way, shape or form from your DH - that is definitely part of the problem. And again, I can relate to this. I am also on Zoloft and it helps, but I still find when I'm having my brief "I hate my kids" moments, it is usually precipitated by him being an a$$ to me. And so...displacement. I can't blame DH any more than I should blame myself, but when he treats me like crap is when I am most likely to be short with my kids and irritated by all the care and energy they consume that dh rarely appreciates, recognizes and definitely doesn't put back into me. It's a vicious cycle and again, he's the catalyst for my behavior, but ultimately not the cause, I have control of that and I need to be better at taking control of my own bad behavior.

Hmmm...I'm just babbling now. Like I said, not sure I have anything to offer, but I do appreciate your honesty. I wish you well. And I thank you for making me think about my own judgemental feelings towards those that might be in your situation.
post #23 of 45
Thread Starter 
[QOUTE]Do you not VALUE yourself as a SAHM? Do you feel like mommying is beneath you? I'm not trying to be judgemental here, I'm trying to get at exactly WHY you don't like being a mom. Please don't think I'm trying to flame you or anyone else. But I think a huge part of our feminist culture says that being just a mom is not enough and it's selling ourselves short, when I don't find that to be the case at all. I'm wondering if that's playing a part in this struggle for you.[QUOTE]

I do value myself as a SAHM, I think it is the most important job and to the honest, the HARDEST job, I have ever had in my life.
I definently do not think that mommying is beneath me. I think that it is totally over my head...It seems like it is too much for me, very overwhelming. KWIM? I mean you bring these precious babies into the world and you have to take care of them (and in my case mostly by myself) and raise them to be good, moral, decent human beings. And, I guess I don't think that I am worthy of this job..you need to be patient, kind, loving, gentle, unselfish..etc, etc. These things don't come naturally to me..I guess that is one reason I find it so challenging...I am not a naturally "nice" person.

[QOUTE]Do you feel RESENTFUL that your kids have kept you from what you really want to do? Like Art? Or work? Or some career? Do you feel like they are in the way?[QUOTE]

Well, I think that I am resentful at the deck of cards that I have been played in my marriage...With my husband and what he thinks his role is in the marriage and with the kids...he honestly believes that it is my total responsibility to "take care" of the kids...he is to bring home the paycheck and he doesn't have to offer any emotional support to me or help me with the kids...(How dare I ask him to watch the kids while I go the grocery store) so maybe if I had known what an a-hole he was before I married him and/or what his true stance on children was..I don't know that I would have made the decision to have children...He wants and children and a lot of them (6 to be honest)! But to be honest, I believe 2 is going to be my limit with him...he wants me to be his baby breeder.

I don't feel like I am resentful that I am not able to work on my art because I have kids...I have found that it is hard to do both art and take care of children...it's a miracle if I get dinner done, the laundry done, the house cleaned etc. etc. Now that my daughter is in preschool I would like to set some time out to focus on painting. Because I have lost myself since I have had children..I have let myself go in many ways...appearance, weight, clothes, stlye, etc. I think because I have a hard time focusing on the needs of myself and my children...of course my children come first..they get their clothes first, pictures done, preschool...so anyway, I am trying raise myself from the dead in bringing things back that interest me...
post #24 of 45
I am trying raise myself from the dead in bringing things back that interest me...
it's good that you're actively trying to do that.

i had lost myself for awhile too... and it took me awhile to realize that although i was still me, i also *wasn't* still me. the act of being a mother and having kids had changed who i was at my very core. so i had to find me, but the new me, the me who had become me after the other me had been lost.

it will take a lot of soul-searching on your part, and a lot of time, but getting back into things you used to like doing should help you find who you are now ~ and don't be suprised if some things that you used to enjoy, you really don't have the patience / attention for anymore.

do you ever meditate?
post #25 of 45
Thread Starter 
well, i guess i don't meditate? what exactly do you do?
post #26 of 45
there are all kinds of different ways to meditate.

when i started out (years ago) learning how to meditate, i'd close my eyes and focus on something (a metronome, a drumbeat, etc) and clear my head of everything else. i did that almost ever night, for at least a half hour, for months.

then when i got a little more "advanced" (could keep my head clear for more than 30 seconds :LOL) i was able to focus on a thought, a question, or an idea, and then meditate on that. sometimes it was just meditations (like tao / yoga stuff) to raise awareness, and sometimes it was a question about the future i wanted resolved, and other times it was a question about myself i wanted to explore. i'd meditate on that idea and let my head be clear of everything else, and then take note of all of the thoughts that would come up during meditation. afterward i would reflect on what i had written down, and what meaning they might have for me. sometimes it was stuff that wasn't related, like "gosh we need eggs at the store" or "i wonder how much i weigh?" :LOL but a lot of times it was relevant stuff, not really in words but pictures. i'd usually find the answers i sought, just by looking within myself.

s. it took me awhile to get there but once i did, it was well worth it.
post #27 of 45
Violeta, it sounds to me like you actually DO like being a mum & being with your children, but you're just feeling really unsupported in your job as a parent & that's affecting your whole outlook on things.

Klothos had some really good suggestions about meditation- to help you focus on exactly what it is you need to do to help yourself get your head back on track. It also sounds to me like you are being very hard on yourself- perfectionistic, maybe? (is that even a word!?!?). Parenting is one of the most challenging jobs on earth, & its mad to think that somehow we just come programmed to do the job. Its such a learning process, every year, & that never changes- for all of us, I think. You are so doing the right thing by talking about your feelings, & actively wanting to work with them.

Just an afterthought, have you any opportunity to have some counselling- just to talk things over with someone face to face?
post #28 of 45
I just want to add (and I think you have already made the connection) that I think how you feel about your children is totally linked to how you are feeling about your dh. When I am mad at my dh, I find that I don't want to be around him or his kids (my girls). I hole myself up in ds's room hanging out with him. I think it is clearer to me because I have a child that isn't dh's. Does that make sense? Like I somehow (wrongfully) blame my dd's for their daddy's actions. I honestly think marital counseling (even if you go alone) would be the best remedy for most of your feelings.

I also want to second that the little years are the hardest for people like you and me that aren't really into "playing". When your children become older, you will find mutual interests and genuinely enjoy them as people. My ds is 10yo and he is so much fun to spend time with.

I hope this helps a little. I do think you are a good mom. Who else would come and post this asking for advice? Why else would you continue to do what you think is best for your children when you are not enjoying it? I think you deserve a lot of kudos for trying to improve things for yourself.
post #29 of 45

There is no such thing as a perfect mom!

Hey violeta,

I'm a SAHM too, and it's very hard because I tend to be a selfish person as well. Sometimes I get so absorbed into a book that I totaly resent it when my son gets into something he shouldn't and makes a mess. And then I get mad at him and at my self, but mostly mad at me. Part of my problem is that I was an only child and I honestly don't know what to do with my son beyond TV and coloring, and reading books to him. He's only two and he can't do the complecated arts and crafts that I would love to do with him. I get bored very quickly! My husband also makes the money and feels that I shouldn't need his help. He has gotten much better about watching Vincent by himself, but that's a recent thing. He can be a big jerk about housework, but I demand from him that he at the LEAST clean up his own messes. I think we are both just lazy people and we are both procratinators, not a good combination. My in-laws convinced him to go to mariage counceling with me, but we can't aford it... If you can, it's a good idea. Just remember that you kids will grow up and you will gain back little by little time to yourself. Um, and I realy DON"T recomend having anymore kids until you decide if you are staying in the marriage or not... As it is now, I'm not sure if I'm going to have more. Also, try reading "The Mother Dance" it made me realize that I should stop stressing out about things I don't have total control over and just focus on the now.

post #30 of 45
I'm sorry you are feeling so down. You have a lot of good people here helping you with your feelings. Sometimes I need a break whe I start feeling like I'm really tired of the hum-ho of being a SAHM of two young ones. With my dd I was a total AP parent and held her ALL the time, we never used a sitter until she was over 2 years old, and she was in the family bed. I started to realize that I was in mom mode all the time and starting to get burned out.

I just had this new baby 6 weeks ago and vowed to do things differenty this time around. I'm still an AP mom but I have carved out some space for myself, do things just for me. Away from the house and from the call of my kids and dh and all that housework that never seems to get totally done. I got a Y membership that includes free childcare while you work out. My oldest loves the childcare area and I just left my baby there yesterday for the first time. The workers are moms who bring their toddlers with them to work and are very loving and hold the babies all the time. That 25 min. a day that the kids are in childwatch and I'm on the treadmill has been so great for my outlook on life, family, and motherhood. The exercise makes me feel good about myself, and also raises natural endorphins to help balance hormones and keep depression at bay.

Just a thought.

post #31 of 45
ITA with Darshani- exercise has been a huge help to me as of late as well.

I do hope you and your dh can work this out, it does seem that he is your main problem, and that is just so sad, b/c he should be helping you through, not bringing you down.
post #32 of 45
I want to say "ditto" on the recommendation to meditate. I do TM every day while my son naps and it SAVES me. I know I'd be a terrible mother without it.

Somebody needs to pull your dh aside & have a talk. That is so unfair that he is unwilling to help with the kids. I don't know how I would survive if dh wasn't helping. (he's up there right now trying to get ds to sleep!) This fact alone should tell you that your kids are better off with you not dh.

Also remember that this period of total dependency is TEMPORARY. It will go so fast...before you know it they'll be doing practically everything for themselves. You're almost there.

Can I ask...why did you decide to have children? The reason I ask is that there must be some part of you that saw something appealing about it. When I'm feeling down sometimes I look at ds's birth pictures and remember this miracle that I am a part of.
post #33 of 45
It sounds like your husband's attitude is 90% of your problem. He's unsupportive, detached, and stuck in 1950's notions of fatherhood.

You would feel much more like *you* again if he would give you the breathing room to be you. You are not only expected to be a mom and tend the house, but to be your kids' SOLE emotional support. That's a tremendous burden he's forced on you.

Get a babysitter and do not feel one ounce of guilt about it. My DH gives me oodles of time each week for *me* time, time that I need to recharge my batteries. If your husband won't give that to you, then find it elsewhere from a babysitter. You'll be a better parent and a happier woman.
post #34 of 45
post #35 of 45
I used to feel this way as well. ((Hugs)) I even tried to commit suicide 2X as I thought there was no way out.
Forgive me I dont have time to read all of the second page of posts but I really feel for you.

I so remember thinking those thoughts and my dh putting me down and not understanding any of it. He just made me feel more guilty and kept abusing me mentally.
I know how crazy it feels and I know I never would have had the guts to post about it on here (or anywhere) at the time. Big gold star for you!

I will just say that after I left DH and resolved my issues with him I became the person I always knew was inside, that I didnt feel that I could be before and all my feelings changed.

I knew I loved my kids but it was just to much to handle and I resented being the one to take care of everyone(it turned out it was HIM i resented taking care of)with no help. Why didnt my job have quitting time. Why did he get to come home and relax, my job never ended! Was this going to be it?! This was my life and then I was going to die? I felt horible. My life meant nothing...

I felt like I was trapped in this life and I was sooooo depressed, I was off and on different meds, tried to od on zanax twice,
and tried to go out every weekend and get wasted to get away from it all. Only angering him and making me feel worse.

But it wasnt the kids or Mommyhood that was just the easy thing to put it on I guess so I didnt have to deal with the real issues with him. I know it seemed that it was at the time, though. Now I feel like I can accomplish anything I want kids in tow the whole way, and I think I would die without them.

Anyway Im not sure what I am trying to say but that after I dealt with what was holding me back from being the person I wanted (NEEDED) to be it all fell so wonderfully into place, mommyness and all! Now I dont mind and even love all the constant Mommy stuff.

I have a 27 month old and a 4 month old so I am stressed to the hilt constantly but I dont have the same feelings of wanting to escape anymore.

The meds didnt help, I dont think they deal with the issue i think they attenpt to cover up or make "OK" whatever is the problem.
Youve got to focus on you and do what you need. And Im sure deep down you know what the real issues are...

((HUGS)) And this to shall pass!! It will only be to soon that you will be looking back wishing they were babies again...
post #36 of 45
Thread Starter 
I decide to have children because I have always wanted them...Before having my children I had planned on having a large family of 4-6 children...But since my husband has turned out to be such a smuck, I don't think that I will have anymore with him. Of course, he wants more but I will be the one raising and caring for them...This whole situation really bothers me because it was one of my dreams to have a large family and to have a great husband, but both of those concepts are broken dreams now...I feel as though maybe I am grieving the loss of the marriage I wanted, should have had, etc???...I know that there are men out there who make the mother of their children's lives so much easier than mine does...I feel very slighted about this situation...it's just not what I bargained for.
post #37 of 45
I think it would be a good idea to use some very reliable birth control until you decide what you want to do. You have 2 children very close in age, which is very difficult. To add an additional baby into this situation would be tragic.

My husband works VERY long hours--he has a very high powered career that is incredibly demanding for him. This in turn makes my life as a stay at home mom of 3 also very demanding. I do all of the housework and childcare at this point--but on the weekends we do try to partner up. I knew my husband was very driven in his career before I married him, though--so I take responsibility for how my life is now. I am happy but tired.

Was your husband always so unhelpful and inconsiderate? Why did you choose him to marry? Why did you have a second child when things were already so overwhelming for you? I am asking these questions not to put you down, but to help you get inside of your head and figure out how you got into this situation. You can only change the situation if you know what you did wrong in the first place, you know? To let all of this wash over on you (picking a bad man to marry, choosing to get pregnant in very quick time) and not examine why it happened is a mistake, I think. With children involved now, you have some accountability too--not just your husband.
post #38 of 45
...I feel as though maybe I am grieving the loss of the marriage I wanted, should have had, etc???..

Now i think you're getting to the core of the matter here, Violeta. I'm really short on time today, but I just wanted to say don't beat yourself up too much about the choices you've made in your life so far re: husband choice & having kids..... What's important now is that you are recognising that something has to change & you are taking positive steps by talking about it. I can kinda understand the pressures of being in a difficult marriage, my own being challenging most days, but I'm not in the extreme (IMO) situation you are. Just remember, it is possible to take back control of aspects of your life (such as your art) without changing every thing at the same time. And it's okay to let dreams go if all they're doing is dragging you down. It's okay to change dreams, nobody said the same one has to last forever........ my 2 bobs worth... big hugs to you Violeta....
post #39 of 45
When your dh is sick, can he call in sick to work? Can you? Can he eat his meals in peace? Can you? Can he go pee by himself? Can you? Can he take a break at work if his boss is driving him nuts? Can you? Just a couple of point to make to him. Just because you're the mommy, doesn't mean your the only parent. You do the majority of the "mommy/slave" work, he brings in the money. That doesn't mean that you aren't entitled to a break. If his boss told him that he was on duty 24/7/365, he'd quit his job. Point that out to him and ask him how it's fair that he gets to come home from work and relax and you never get to. Tell him therapy is in order and if he cares about your marriage, to get up and go with you! Don't beat yourself up!
post #40 of 45
I think youve gotten some great advise and support here.

I just wanted to say for me and my artist mama friends.......we seem to especially need time to ourselves to be creative in our own way, whatever that may be. If I can get out and take some pictures, draw or paint, make a necklace.....Im a brand new person. It awakens my spirit.

I have only one dc, Im not depressed, I have a wonderful dh who shares 150% and is wonderfully supportive.......but I STILL need this time to myself or I have nothing left to give to anyone. I dont see it as a fault, just a necessity for the kind of person I am.

I hope you find your way to a more peaceful life as a mother and person. Good luck.....
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