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What if you don't like being a mother and/or parent? - Page 3

post #41 of 45
Thread Starter 
Well, I have been thinking about some of the comments everyone has made and yes it was my bad decision making that got me in this mess in the first place....I didn't marry my husband because I loved him (the whole time I kept telling myself "I will learn to love him", "I will learn to love him")...he was actually my second choice, the guy I really wanted to marry wasn't ready to settle down, but wanted to establish a career and experience life...we were only 19 and 20 so that is pretty young. Anyway, out of my own imaturity I found another guy that was failry decent and was willing to get married and so we did...I was only 20 (currently 28)when we got married so please don't ask me why I did it...I have heard it from everyone and all I can say is that I was very immature. So that was why I married him...it has been a *rocky* marriage at best and then we had kids about 5 years into the marriage...I was actually a work outside the home mom until my second was born so when I decided to get pregnant with the second things were not like they are now...we were fairly happy with one child and wanted to bring another in because we were so in love with the first and with me staying home with the second it just seems as though things just get really bad...I think that we were all much happier when I was working outside of the home..I always thought that I wanted to be a stay at home, partially because my mom was a pretty good SAHM, the house was always clean, home cooked meals, very organized to 3 kids...she was my role model, but I really don't feel very organized being at home, I feel as though I have way too much time on my hands and don't know how to organize it...On another note, my husband is a workaholic...he absolutely refuses to take time off if he is sick and he doesn't understand why I should get any time off...even while he is out of town for 6 months..I am supposed to be this happy-go-lucky mom who just loves to play with the kids and not need any breaks...he critisizes me if I complain to him about it...I just think husbands should be compassionate and understanding....that's all for now I guess...
post #42 of 45
You know, I REALLY dont think you should have to defend yourself or your actions to anyone on here.
They havent walked in your shoes or anyone elses for that matter and cant possibly begin to understand your situation and your intense feelings.

Some people are lucky(not me) and find a mate who shares their veiws and havent had to face the obsticles that stand in the way to having the life that they want. To question you about why you did these things or suggest that you prevent yourself from harming anything else is terrible. Everything happens for a reason and is a lesson to us. Some people have things happen in their lives that they dont know how to deal with, everyone makes mistakes! Everyone did not have the benifit of parents that taught them how to live or showed them the love they needed. Not to mention countless other things that shape each of our lives individually.

I was not not one of these lucky few either. I have been very close to where you are as I told you in my previous post.


I think the tone of some of these posters, though well intentioned is not unlike the ridicule and criticizism you are recieving from your husband. I know it must be hard for some people who have never had anything like this in their lives to see where you are coming from. It just really upsets me that you came here for support and you seem to be having to constantly defend and explain yourself here. And you dont.

Just like the parents with mellow kids scowling at and judging parents with spirited, aggressive kids as "Bad" parents not having a clue what it would be like if their kid had that disposition.
We get judged so much as parents and it reall is hard.

All in all Im sure that whatever you did and do at the time is what you thought was best at the time for you and your family. No one can know what to do all of the time. I know I sure dont have a clue. I am 28 a single mom of 3(one I dont even have custody of) and was right where you are just last year. When we know better we do better and there is no point of beating yourself about what we did in the past.
You will never get anywhere looking back. Only right back where you were. It reall y dosent matter why you did what you did beyond you knowing it now and moving on.
Trust me if I sat around answering why I made the choices I made and focusing on the countless stupid decisions I made in life I would be soooo depressed I probably couldnt get out of bed.
Ive done way more than my share of stupid things in my life.

Anyway I just wanted to offer my support and let you know you dont have to defend or explain your decisions to anyone and just let some of the superior attitudes roll off your back. One day they too will be challenged and then they will learn the lessons we have been shown already. And the great thing is when you come out of all this (and you will) you will be such a strong person and know even better who you are and what you want from life!
post #43 of 45
Look at the ages of my kids and listen to me. It does get better. It does get easier. Don't worry about what your DH thinks. If he were home with the kids, he might think differently. (a family emergency might be in order!) Dh has the choie to work, you do not. It's on demand.

Get a babysitter, or trade time with another parent. See your Doc, you realy should be evaluated for depression. You never think you have it, you know. If you aren't depressed and hate being a parent, and you might, then try to make the best possible alternatives for your kids. Look for great child care, great schools, involve them in outside activities. DOn't compare yourself to your mother! Mothers are supreme! And someday your kids will think you were.

When you are with your kids, concentrate on them. Take them places you can learn about them. Share your interests with them. Art museums? Ecology? Tell them what you care about, take them with you when you can.

I bet you'll love teenagers! Hang in there, be patient with yourself! Everyone hates their job form time to time. You make like it a lot better a few years later.

Ask foor help. Look online for others who share your feelings. Don't be afraid to admit how you feel

Don't leave your kids. Try to hang in there, to be strong. THese little people you've created are so important, so worthwhile. Give yourself as much time as you can.

You'll be in my thoughts! You are so strong to have posted this!
post #44 of 45
Would it be possible/helpful to work out of the house for a bit? even if it ispart time and only pays for childcare it may still be a good option. just an idea.

lula
post #45 of 45

I dont think you should

feel too much guilt but you do need to come up with a creative solution. You said you love your kids and so that is enough in my mind that you should definitely not think they would be better off without you or something. I do however, think you and your kids might be better off without dh. If the marriage is dead and he gives you no support have you considered single motherhood? Does he know how you feel and how close you are to wanting out? It might be a wake up call for him. I would first try to find a good counselor and also some better meds but I would also consider putting the kids in daycare/preschool and working outside the home. The parenting hours you do have might be much more maneagble then and you could learn to enjoy them. There is nothing wrong with this choice if it is the best case scenario for you and your family. Don't let mother guilt bring you down. WOmen have way too much guilt as it is. Also, there is some good reading out there that might make you feel less alone - some really funny and touching books like Child of Mine, The Big Rumpus and Mother Shock (loving every other minute of it). I am reading "in the trenches" mother tales type books these days to try and pick a few good ones for my sister who is on the fence about having a child. And I wish I had found them sooner. I dont feel so alone in my ambivalence about momhood and they really are a riot. Good luck and let us know how things are going.
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