Suggestions for dealing with melt downs

[khaoskat]

Please, we have had two huge melt downs in less than 18 hours.

1) Last night at Walmart - 1/2 hour screaming/crying melt down over the fact we told him he could not have a "special" cereal". We explained to him that we already had "special" cereal at home, and once that was gone, we would consider getting this one for him. Sent him into a melt down. He ran down to the other end of the aisle and wanted pop tart type things, and again we told him no. Then he complained he was hungry and wanted something to eat. We explained he could wait till we got home and eat the dinner (the entire meal was untouched) he left on his plate. He then tried bartering and demanding different food - Brat and Mac n Cheese (some of what seems to be the only foods he wants to eat), and we told him "no", he likes what was served for dinner, and has eaten it for years (which is not a lie - it was pork chops and corn and peas). We did let him have a Banana in the car and he feel asleep on the way home and did not stir until about 8:15 this morning. I just let him do his crying/screaming the whole time...

2) This morning at Home Depot's kids building project - I asked him to sit on the floor with me to build his project, because I couldn't lean over the table (almost 39 weeks pregnant). After numerous times of asking, he continued to refuse....so I told him he doesn't get to do a building project this time, and he can go with me to the car and we will sit out there till DS1 and DD2 got done. He was in a total hysterical crying mode at this time. I had to pull him out of the store - he wouldn't even walk out with me. Then he twisted and pulled my wrist, and made it so I couldn't get his arms, so I grabbed his foot and just continued towards the door with him, until he broke free and stood up. DH came to help, and it meant the whole family had to just leave their projects and not get to finish or do them, because I couldn't handle him one on one right now.

It seems no matter what I try - just letting him have his entire tantrum; or try to remove him from everyone --- I am doing it wrong.

His only official diagnosis is Speech Apraxia and articulation disorder. We go to the Developmental Ped on 5/20 for an eval.

Any advice on how to better handle these times when he gets into melt downs like this?

[moss]

~an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure~

can you anticipate when your lo might be overwhelmed to the point of a meltdown.

• sometimes it's just asking too much of a child to take them shopping.
• we also find that making sure that ds has adequate protein in his system really helps prevent a meltdown--he needs frequent mini-meals which include a protein. your ds told you that he needed to eat, i think you really need to listen to that.
• coaching beforehand really helps if ds has to go shopping with me. i'm really super clear about what we are/arent buying and make sure that he really understands. it's a lot easier for him when he knows what to expect

[khaoskat]

Thanks Moss...

The eating is one of our new issues we have with him. It has started to get bad in the last 6-9 months. He has started to get extra picky, and just refuse to eat most everything. There are times I will serve him his favorite foods (like a brat and Mac N Cheese) and he will just refuse and demand other food...like all he will want will be cereal and he wont take anything else to eat...or rice....

His eating/lack of it, had around Christmas gotten to the point that we were finding food missing (like snack type foods that don't spoil) and hidden in various places in the play room. Because we wouldn't give in to his demands or he would be starving from not having eaten lunch at school all day, he would come home and go find his hidden stash of food.

I was so happy this past week with his eating. We started, at his insistence, packing him a lunch, and he was eating everything in it (carrots, ham/cheese sandwhich, fruit, milk) all week long. At school before he was "picking" at his food...and not really eating it. Then last night he just refused his food calling it "yuckie", and it was stuff he has eaten for years.

I was not trying to ignore his need for food last night, but I was trying to get him to understand he needs to eat dinner and just because we have gone out, does not mean he gets food other than what was served. He is always demanding McDonalds, Burger King, etc. (DH has a huge bad habit of fast food and I cannot brake it no matter what I do). He will refuse to eat at home in hopes of getting it while we are running errands because he is "starving", and whining about needing food. I refuse, but I will give him, in the car on the way home, a healthy alternative (ie like I did with the banana last night).

His food choices are getting so hard to find things he will eat - right now, it is basically crunch PB; shredded cheese, sam's club brats (sold in their meat case you take home and cook), mac n cheese, rice, apples, oranges, strawberries, frozen blueberries, cereal. He will sometimes eat the topping off a cheese pizza, sometimes will eat hamburgers, sometimes will eat a hot dog...I am sure there are some others, but this is a fairly good idea, other than junk/snack stuff. Oh, he also has started to love carrots, which is about the only veggie I can get him to eat.

It is almost, at times, like a control issue. He refuses to eat, so he can attempt to force us into puchasing him something else he wants. Right now I am sure it is going to be Burger King Kids Meals...he saw the commercial and wants the toys....

[Linda on the move]

The walmart thing sounds like he was super tired. Never take a tired child into walmart, sn or not!

Always take a healthy snack with you when you leave the house.

If the same situations cause tantrum repeatedly, then don't keep doing them. Both the examples you give are HUGE stores with tons of background noise. They are not places that my sn child could go when she was young. She enjoyed building projects one-on-one at home, but not the Home Depot kind of thing.

[RavenousReader]

You mentioned that you believe this to be a control issue......Sometimes offering the child options throughout the day to make some choices (that you are ok with) helps. At mealtimes offering a choice board (menu) of acceptable choices; choosing activities; outfits etc.

Another idea is to make a list of what you are going to be buying that trip - whether textual or pictures, and involving him in the process.

Also maybe using a first-then board for mealtime -- least preferred food first, then preferred food next. Possibly for the shopping as well --- first shopping, then acceptable treat or activity. Try to use something really motivating to him and keep the board with you so you can remind him.

[lotusdebi]

My older son has always had a hard time in those big noisy stores with the high ceilings - Walmart, Home Depot, Lowe's, Costco. So, he only goes with me when we have no other choice (usually Costco, during the time of day that they have the food samples and it's not crowded). I do a lot of prep work before taking him to a place where I know he's going to have problems (get his excess energy out ahead of time, feed him, go over the rules), and I lower my expectations of him because I know it's so hard for him to deal with those environments.

Honestly, the best ways we've found to cut down on meltdowns is prevention. Take out as many of the factors that contribute to meltdowns as possible. It seems like every outing takes so much preparation that it's exhausting, but it pays off.

When my son has a meltdown, I remove him whenever possible. He's not in a mental space to be rational or reasonable, so discussing things with him doesn't work. Once I remove him from the situation (which usually means also removing my 3 year old, since it's often just the 3 of us), he has a chance to calm down. Once he's calm - truly calm and not just faking it so that he can do what he wants - I'll talk to him about his options and my expectations of him. If he can't deal with that (gets angry or upset and is losing control again), we go home where he can calm in his room. In his room, he may read a book or play with legos or k'nex, which seem to help him organize his mind so he can regain control.

We miss out on things all the time. Outings are often cut short, on the days that we actually manage to get out the door. It's incredibly frustrating, but at the same time I feel like my son is learning what behaviors are expected of him, and what works and doesn't work in regaining control of himself. It is getting easier over time. And I can lessen my own anger about his behaviors by ignoring my pride and the fact that everyone is staring at and judging me. I just focus on my kids.

[moss]

Originally Posted by lotusdebi

We miss out on things all the time. Outings are often cut short, on the days that we actually manage to get out the door. It's incredibly frustrating, but at the same time I feel like my son is learning what behaviors are expected of him, and what works and doesn't work in regaining control of himself. It is getting easier over time. And I can lessen my own anger about his behaviors by ignoring my pride and the fact that everyone is staring at and judging me. I just focus on my kids.

This is us too. We're right there with ya. People with 'easy' kids just dont get it.

khaoskat~the key really is anticipation. you know your child better than anyone else in the world, so you're going to be able to predict what your child's needs are before the meltdown happens.

[kavamamakava]

I absolutely love this site so maybe it can help you too. http://thinkkids.org/parents/lagging.aspx
I use this approach with my son and it's called the Collaborative Problem Solving method. They also use it at my son's school. But once you hit meltdown mode there's not much to be done. Those stores sound overwhelming to your son and maybe the sounds or lights overload his sensories and then he can't process everything else properly. You could try having him wear headphones or sunglasses or a weighted vest in places like that. Or give him a special task to focus on like hold the grocery list or count things for you.