Feeling Guilty

[koby58]

Two of DD2's stepcousins are coming into town from Connecticut and Alabama. She really wants to go see them. At her dad's house. An hour away. In the rain. She hasn't even been driving a year yet. In our decree it states that if Ex wants the kids he has to come and get them. DD2 doesn't drive on the highway - she'd have to take side roads the whole way there. I said no. Her dad won't come get her because he has to cook. He didn't seem to care that much that she couldn't come, but DD2 is really really upset. I don't want her to drive there. Under any conditions. Am I just being ridiculous?

[SoulCakes]

Is there any way you could drive her? I know it's not your responsibility, but how often does she get to see these cousins?

[Oriole]

I would drive her. In fact, we DID drive dsd for years back and forth, despite the fact that her mom almost never lived up to the responsibility. If we always thought "well, that's not fair we have to do this much driving", then DSD would have missed out on heck of a lot in both houses. We won't do it to accommodate her mom, but we will do it if DSD wants to spend time with her family. That's something to foster and encourage.

Why wouldn't you give her a ride? Is your only reason "well, the papers say he has to"? It's not a really good one.

If, on the other hand, you can't drive her for some reason, then it is what it is. She'll have to miss it, and there is nothing to be done about it, and she has my sympathy, but safety comes first.

[koby58]

DH and I weren't going to be home. This was a last minute call to DD2 - as in he called her Friday at noon and informed her "K and J are coming in. Want to come to dinner?" (We all assumed until about 4 o'clock that he would be coming to get her. He called and told her they decided to cook instead of going out - she needed to drive down there. If he had said something earlier we could have gotten her there and he could have driven her home. ) Some old friends of mine were in town and DH and I were leaving shortly to drive about an hour (in the opposite direction).
I checked the weather and it didn't look bad (and it ended up not being bad.) I gave her the option of driving. She shut me down. Dad apparently wasn't very nice in their last phone call and it killed her desire to drive out there for the most part. I still feel bad.
SM was in charge of planning her family reunion this year (these are technically DD's stepcousins) and scheduled it for when both my DD's are already in school. Everyone but them is in the clear and will be attending said reunion. Except for them. And they see these cousins once a year.
DD2 ended up going to her friends dance/costume party though and had a decent time with her boyfriend. She still feels slighted though.

[VocalMinority]

Sorry, but I'd drive her myself, if I were you.

No, you're not obligated. But, by virtue of you and your ex no longer living together, your daughter has been put in a position where she feels connected to these step-relatives. And now she's being told she can't see them because it's too much of a pain for either of her parents to make it happen. But her parents are the ones who - by whatever process - chose that she would have two separate households and families, an hour away from each other. She didn't.

And your ex's position - not wanting to spend 2 hours driving, when he's entertaining out-of-towners at his house and doing the cooking - isn't necessarily unreasonable. Especially when he usually does all the driving, for his visitation. In many cases, you'd be expected to meet him halfway each time.

I'm sure you have things to do, too. But it sounds like this is really important to your daughter. I'd drive her.

Oh, sorry again! I just read the comments and realized this event already happened. But I'm sure similar things will come up in the future. Maybe you will decide to handle them differently. Or maybe you'll feel more confident in her driving. ??