I have no idea how to fix myself

[mommahhh]

Here is a what-would-you-do question.

What would you do if you realized you had an emotional problem (life long) that was really deep-seated and certainly not easy to fix? And now you realize your problem will likely cause issues within the relationship you have with your own child? Would you somehow try to embark on therapy blindly, not knowing where to turn? Would you try hard to ignore it?

If I flat-out admit it, I've always had a lot of issues with (a) change and (b) fear of abandonment. As far back as I can remember. I also remember feeling like I couldn't get enough of my mom. I wanted more love, more attention. I'm not sure what the root of all this is. I know that she let me CIO as a baby (not her fault...she was doing what she read in the books). I know I was left in the hospital a few times as a toddler due to croup (those were the rules then). I actually have foggy memories of this and feeling so sad.

Anyway, I did NOT want to grow up. I didn't want to stop being my mom's little girl. I know this is weird. I tried to act younger/more helpless than I was around her. I felt a lot of sorrow on my 16th birthday because I knew at that point it was inevitable. I certainly wasn't a child anymore. And my mom didn't seem sentimental at all...she pushed me towards independence (encouraging me to get my driver's licence, etc). I would feel depressed and almost unloved then. Strange.

Fast forward. I have my own DD (7). For several years now, I have felt a strong sorrow when I think of her growing up. Like WAY worse than any of my friends seem to feel. Most people appear to have this attitude: "yes, I can't believe how fast time goes, but I'm so proud of him!". Instead, I have the attitude of: "MY LITTLE GIRL is growing up and away from me!!!

I get terribly anxious and somtimes depressed with each passing year. I have to fight against keeping her back (ex: I have to force myself into allowing her to move on when things are too young for her). I get teary eyed when I realize she's too old for this or too old for that. I feel literally sick to my stomach when I realize in 3 years she'll be 10 (ex: definitely not a baby). I often do cry when I realize how fast her babyhood/toddlerhood went and I would give anything to do it all again.

Now, I cannot have another child, and I won't be having another child through adoption/fostering, etc. (for various reasons). Simply being around other young children does nothing to fill that longing in my heart....it just makes it worse becasue they aren't mine and it makes me nostalgic for my baby girl.

Yeah, I have a problem. And I imagine as she inches towards teenagehood I'll start falling apart more. What the heck can I do? I know I should focus more on me and my interests and less on her and mothering (you know what I mean), but I don't want to AT ALL. I've tried various activities and I just don't care about any of them the way I care about being a mom. She is what brings me joy. Gah, I'm a mess.

P.S. I should also add that I totally realize that I can continue to have a very close relationship with DD as she grows up. But I guess I'm seriously mourning the loss of innocence. The sweet little things...how much she wants to be with me, how I'm her world. I know I sound crazy and I know of course everyone has to grow up. But I'll miss being "mama" so much. I know how the mother-daughter dynamic changes, and I just want this stage to last longer. Obviously it can't. I need to find a way to fix my sadness because it is just beginning to irritate me. I'm tired of being sad all the time and being scared about the future.

[xbabymamax]

[~Boudicca~]

Oh mama I absolutely understand where you are coming from. I have the same problem. I felt the same way about dd1 for the longest time (she is 7 also), and that feeling didn't go away until I had dd2...but by the time she was 6 weeks old I would privately weep to myself because she wasn't a newborn anymore. Now dd2 is 3, and she is still nursing, still very much the baby of the family, but she is becoming more like a little kid every day. I know that when she weans (we CLW but I know that the day is not far away) I'll be a basket case. Sometimes I think that another baby might do the trick but honestly I do not feel up to the challenge of 3 kids (I'm out of my trees with just 2--moms with big families are awe-inspiring yet mystifying to me) so I do not see another baby in the future.


I have many abandonment issues as well, I grew up in a very alcoholic/abusive home and was pretty much left to parent myself while my mother and father fell to pieces on a daily basis. I started serious therapy last year and it is helping tremendously, so I'd recommend it. I found mine through the FYT for my area on this forum, and was hooked up with a really wonderful psychologist (she was an MDC mama as well) after a couple therapists I saw didn't "get" homeschooling or breastfeeding. It is really important that you find someone that you feel safe enough to open up to, so if you find someone and you just don't feel like it is working for you just keep trying until you find someone you click with.

Good luck mama. I'm sorry you feel this way. It sucks.

[lolar2]

Yes, seek therapy. You can get a recommendation from a doctor or a friend if you are not sure where to look for a therapist. You don't need to know quite where to start-- that's their job, right?

[sebandg'smama]

It is excellent that you are self-aware enough to know that what you are feeling is an issue for you and your dd. Therapy may feel like a scary thing to embark on, but what a gift it could be to you and your dd.

I grew up with a mother who would make me feel bad for growing up. She would reminisce about how wonderful I was as a little girl, how those were the best days of her life. It made me feel like crap, I was never at a stage that she could enjoy. I felt guilty all the time for growing up. It was a horrible burden.

to you. It is hard to watch our babies grow. But it should also be beautiful and exciting.

-Melanie

[coleslaw]

http://www.netmindbody.com/patients/...oner_start.asp

I've had a friend who really responded to this type of therapy. It uses muscle testing to see where you feel strong and where you feel weak and then work on healing the weak parts. It can go back to when you are very little. I'm thinking of using it myself. I hope it helps!

[windsorheightsmom]

I have found therapy to be useful at difficult times in my life, but if you are scared by the prospect of hashing these issues out with a therapist, you may want to try something like reiki or EFT (emotional freedom technique). I don't have direct experience with those, but I know they are helpful for many people.

[lolar2]

Another thought, cognitive-behavioral therapy, which is a common type practiced by many psychologists, does not do a lot of exploring childhood issues. Mostly it focuses on developing new coping techniques. I have had CBT for anxiety a few times; when the therapist did talk to me about my past, it was always in the context of "so, what helped you to be less anxious about xyz last time?" or something like that.

[Galatea]

I think it is awesome and amazing that you recognize this right now. Awareness, acceptance, action. So accept that this is the way you feel now, and stop labeling it crazy, b/c it is totally not crazy. And then take action! I would suggest traditional talk therapy and some personal research into codependency.

[mommahhh]

Originally Posted by Galatea

I would suggest traditional talk therapy and some personal research into codependency.

Um oh wow. I never thought of "codependency" before, but when I read about it, that sounds kind of right. Low self esteem, a certain amount of control issues, "addicted" (for lack of better word) to certain relationships. All my life, I have been very wrapped up in one relationship at a time. And I feel that I need that relationship. In the past it has been with my mom, my friend, my husband, and now I guess I have transferred that onto my daughter. I'm starting to realize that this isn't normal and other people maybe don't feel this way.

[Galatea]

Originally Posted by mommahhh

Um oh wow. I never thought of "codependency" before, but when I read about it, that sounds kind of right. Low self esteem, a certain amount of control issues, "addicted" (for lack of better word) to certain relationships. All my life, I have been very wrapped up in one relationship at a time. And I feel that I need that relationship. In the past it has been with my mom, my friend, my husband, and now I guess I have transferred that onto my daughter. I'm starting to realize that this isn't normal and other people maybe don't feel this way.

Actually, it's pretty common, esp. for women - we are pretty much socialized this way. But stop being critical of yourself for it - it is what it is. It doesn't make you bad. But apparently it makes you uncomfortable, and you want to change it. Not beating yourself up is key to the whole process.

[myjo]

EMDR is another therapy that might be very helpful. It will bring up past painful issues, but the pain is quickly neutralized, and very powerful realizations reached. I've done it and it's really remarkable.

I had a similar childhood, but I guess I've responded differently. I tend to mostly be in denial about my attachment needs. I like to pretend I'm totally self-contained. Not healthy either.