Former PPD mamas - how are you doing?

[ivymae]

I just wanted to check in, since I remember that quite a few of us have struggled with PPD in the past, or were scared they were at risk.

So far (a month out) I am doing okay. I have rough moments, but the difference this time is that they are moments, not days (weeks), and that everyone around me is hyper aware that I need support during those times, not criticism. It wasn't until a month out that PPD really hit me last time though (and it came and went until DD2 was nearly a year old) so I'm still super aware of the down times, because i am so scared I'm not going to come back out of it. So far, so good. How are you all doing?

[justamama]

I'm doing really well. It hit between one and two months after Reese was born, so I'm watching closely for any signs. Mine is depression, but its actually more postpartum anxiety with a little Ppd thrown in.

I've been focusing on recognizing when I need a break. When I need to ask DH for help. That's made a big difference.

[justamama]

I'm doing really well. It hit between one and two months after Reese was born, so I'm watching closely for any signs. Mine is depression, but its actually more postpartum anxiety with a little Ppd thrown in.

I've been focusing on recognizing when I need a break. When I need to ask DH for help. That's made a big difference.

[jsh7809]

This is my first baby, but I've had regular old depression (and anxiety and panic) issues in the past, so we are watching closely over here, too. I was having some PTSD stuff from my post-delivery surgery in the first week of DD's life, which led to really scary nightmares and flashbacks - but the good news it that has gotten much better after journaling about it, and talking to the midwife about the facts, and apparently with all of that kind of stuff (PPD too) it is better to go through it sooner rather than later so it doesn't develop into actual PTSD.
I am having a really hard time, every day, adjusting to the demands of caring for a newborn, and I question myself CONSTANTLY. So there are lots of tears and freak outs and moments where I am thinking, "this was a mistake, I cannot do this for one more day!". But there are also lots of moments where I am gazing into her eyes and loving her and knowing we will be okay. To me, making sure that there are both sides to these feelings is what helps to make sure that we're still in the "normal" range... I get freaked out when I feel like I am not feeling joy or even calm in the ways that I"m used to, but I think that comes from overthinking this huge lifestyle adjustment and getting stuck in a place where I want things to go back to the way they were, where I could be autonomous and have down time to myself (or even just take a shower without milk pouring down my chest, etc). When I am overwhelmed, it feels like the hardest job in the world, 24/7, that I can't resign from! But when I am feeling okay, I am in love with the baby and remembering that I just need to stay in the moment and not struggle against the new regime.
But we will be watching in the next month to make sure things even out a little. It seems like that's when most of the people I know who struggled with PPD really got hit with it.
For those of you who have dealt with this before, did you mostly realize what you were experiencing in retrospect? Or were you able to seek help when you needed it?
I have to admit, when I am feeling my most overwhelmed and stressed and tearful, I think about asking for help (as everyone wants you to do) and then I think, "how can I? No one else can be her mother and that's what she needs! And if I had an hour to go to therapy without the baby, well, then I probably wouldn't need therapy!".

[krismarie]

have any of you had issues with insomnia with your ppd?

i have had anxiety/insomnia issues with each birth, but this one started BEFORE the birth and i just had him yesterday and did not sleep at all last night. if it's not hormonal anxiety, it's the anxiety that i will go night after night without sleep. i'm stuck in a horrible cycle. the past 3 nights, the only sleep i got was due to meds and i didn't have a nursling then...now i do!
could use any help anyone can offer.
thanks

[GreenTeaGinger61]

I'm doing much better this time. It's been a little bit easier to feel "safe" as I didn't have it with my last child either. With my second, it was pretty bad as it started before birth and carried on through. I had about 9 months of a very intense dark depression that quite literally almost destroyed my marriage.

I am being aware even though I didn't have it last time as well. Things are really crazy here, and my babymoon was pretty much trashed with company, house renovations, and my husband possibly losing his job. Plus I had a pretty severe bout of depression last year that I ended up going on meds for. I do have moments but like Ivy said they're moments and they're not taking over yet. I stay on top of them however because in response to Jess, I didn't realize how bad it was until it was over. And in the darkest moments of it it was VERY hard to think anyone could or would want to help me.

(((Jess))) I don't think there are many new moms who don't struggle with you are feeling. Be gentle with yourself.

Kris: I struggle with insomnia normally, and did throughout this pregnancy but have only had one bout once the baby was here. My insomnia is always kind of there but worst when I'm depressed. I am not sure what to offer for advice though. I feel uncomfortable with sleep pills esp. with a new born. I've tried melatoin but it makes me feel very strange. I hope someone else can offer you more than BTDT.

[smeisnotapirate]

Kris: I struggled with anxiety/insomnia as well. I was so worried that DS would stop breathing that I couldn't sleep. I'd eventually fall asleep, exhausted, around 4:30am with my hand on his chest and wake up every time he snuffled.

I'm only a week out, and I didn't really recognize my PPD until about 6mo out from his birth. So far I feel incredibly wonderful, and really wonder if maybe it was DS's birth circumstances that set me up for it. I'm hoping that since I had such an idyllic birth and am having such an easy recovery this time, I might be spared.

But yes, keeping an eye on it. to all of us! I hope we all are spared another round of PPD!

[krismarie]

have any of you used meds before to treat ppd? i'm feeling so awful this time around (pre partum, and now) that i'm going to the doc tomorrow. i'm scared to try a med but the way i feel right now is so scary.

[smeisnotapirate]

I used Lexapro 10mg, and had fantastic results. Also, the research that classifies it Level C is really shoddy. After talking with my LC and our FP, I concluded that it was more important for my DS to have a sane mother, and we kept breastfeeding. I was able to wean myself off it in about 6 months, and DS never showed adverse affects or tested positive for the medication (my FP wanted to make sure it wasn't accumulating in his system).

Overall, I'm pleased with it. It was a low dose and I was able to wean quickly off the medication.

[krismarie]

Originally Posted by smeisnotapirate

I used Lexapro 10mg, and had fantastic results. Also, the research that classifies it Level C is really shoddy. After talking with my LC and our FP, I concluded that it was more important for my DS to have a sane mother, and we kept breastfeeding. I was able to wean myself off it in about 6 months, and DS never showed adverse affects or tested positive for the medication (my FP wanted to make sure it wasn't accumulating in his system).

Overall, I'm pleased with it. It was a low dose and I was able to wean quickly off the medication.

wow, that is just what i wanted to hear. and you had anxiety/insomnia? i'm going to the doc tomorrow and the nurse midwife that i just switched to thought that may be the choice. how long did it take to work? thanks so much for letting me know.

[loveneverfails]

Krismarie, I used St. John's Wort after my son's birth and honestly should have been open to something more potent. PPD is awful.

[ivymae]

A friend of mine just started lexapro, and within a week she noticed a difference. She may still increase her dosage in a few weeks, but she described it as getting a foothold in the wall, and now having the confidence that she CAN climb it with help, rather than just freefalling. I've admitted that i will gladly go on medication this time if i feel like I can't get that foothold on my own, and I see NO shame in that. i am much more ashamed by how i treated my husband and kids last time when i was too proud to ask for help.

I think I knew I was dealing with PPD at the time, but I was in pretty deep denial. DH's family (and mine) has a long history of mental health issues, but in his family it's much more severe and stigmatized. I have a lot of guilt about being "another crazy woman" in Dh's life, so i couldn't even acknowledge to myself that I needed help, let alone to him. i went in and out of depression through that first year, sometimes being classically morose and unmotivated, other times being bitter and rageful, other times just numb to any emotion. I was never 'myself' between bad times, but I was functional, so it was easy to shrug it off, and tell myself that it wasn't a big deal, and that i was 'handling it' by myself. In reality I wasted a lot of time trying to be strong when really i needed to let myself be weak and ask for help.

After that year i finally got my sense of humor back, and we realized just how miserable we had been. My marriage was not in a good place after that year, and part of our recovery as a couple was to make a plan for how to handle crisis in the future, because burying our heads in the sand and taking our frustration out on each other had obviously not worked. DH still has a hard time talking about depression, but he's gotten better at not making me feel like a loon for having a bad day (which used to set off the "i'm such a failure, my family deserves better than i can give them" cycle of thought). I've also accepted that for this part of my life, he may not be my perfect partner, and I've reached out to friends and my sister when i need help, instead of putting it all on him.

[smeisnotapirate]

Originally Posted by krismarie

wow, that is just what i wanted to hear. and you had anxiety/insomnia? i'm going to the doc tomorrow and the nurse midwife that i just switched to thought that may be the choice. how long did it take to work? thanks so much for letting me know.

Yup. It was amazingly helpful - I definitely noticed a big improvement within two weeks. If, by then, you don't see an improvement, it's also easy and safe to up the dosage. It's a low dose that they start you on usually (the 10mg).

Ivy, . I totally agree with wasting lots of time trying to be stronger when it wouldn't have been weak to just ask for help. I'm hoping to be smarter this time, because of experience.

[krismarie]

i just need some support right now. as soon as i lay in bed i'm a ball of nerves...shaky, fearing sleep and i know it will be another sleepness night... please tell me i can live with these sleepness nights until the meds work...

[smeisnotapirate]

Originally Posted by krismarie

i just need some support right now. as soon as i lay in bed i'm a ball of nerves...shaky, fearing sleep and i know it will be another sleepness night... please tell me i can live with these sleepness nights until the meds work...

You totally can! I remember saying to myself that all I had to do was get through that one day - I wasn't going to even THINK about the future. Just one day. And one morning I woke up and it took me until about 2pm to remember my mantra, because I felt.... normal.

[finn'smama]

kris I had no idea you were feeling this bad. I took celexa starting around 5 mo pp after Arlo and it changed my world. I felt a million times better after two weeks and i will not hesitate to take them again if need be. i wish i could come hang out with you...
as for this time, I'm feeling great so far. I hope it lasts. Last time, I believe my depression started during my pregnancy and went undiagnosed until about 5 months pp. I felt a lot better during this pregnancy so I'm hoping that is an indicator. Also, as others have said, I'm really making an effort to ask for help when I need it and getting as much sleep as I can. My depression manifested itself with intrusive thoughts (terrible things happening to the kids and such) and a complete inability to make simple decisions, like what to have for dinner. I could not enjoy the kids at all and would fly into a rage about things like naps. This time, that stuff is not happening, I'm definitely irritable some days, and irrational, but I'm pretty sure it's normal sleep deprevation stuff. The thing I'm finding hard this time, is since I was very open about what I went through last time, that I'm afraid whenever I do break down a bit everyone immediately thinks I need to go on meds so I feel sometimes like I have to act extra happy!
It's great that I have people keeping an eye on things for me, but that is tough.

[Elecampane]

kris. I'll come back later to share more of my experience, but just wanted to chime in on the subject of meds. They saved my life, seriously. And I have been on them--zoloft--since February this pregnancy. I'll probably up my dose in a few weeks. I have the most trouble with uncontrolled anxiety and the zoloft really takes the edge off and allows me to function.

[krismarie]

thank you everyone for helping so much. i really need this support. my mum is here but she is not very understanding "don't worry, just smile" sort of thing. last night she took the kids to a hotel. my sis is also here and she is great. i literally thought i was going to die from anxiety and fear (about sleep!?) and she helped calm me down. i am taking my placenta and maybe some of it kicked in but i relaxed enough that hubby took micah and i took an ambien (mw said was ok) and slept for 2 hours...then got the babe back and managed to sleep ON MY OWN (first time in days and days) off and on until 5:30. woke up a basket case again. i know it's all hormones but it's soooo tough to tell yourself it will be ok when you are in it. unfortunately my sis leaves today b/c she has been a LIFE SAVER and now it's me and my parents (who don't get it). hopefully i can see my doc today.

thanks again all--it's great to have a place to post to people who have been there...

[krismarie]

Originally Posted by finn'smama

kris I had no idea you were feeling this bad. I took celexa starting around 5 mo pp after Arlo and it changed my world. I felt a million times better after two weeks and i will not hesitate to take them again if need be. i wish i could come hang out with you...
as for this time, I'm feeling great so far. I hope it lasts. Last time, I believe my depression started during my pregnancy and went undiagnosed until about 5 months pp. I felt a lot better during this pregnancy so I'm hoping that is an indicator. Also, as others have said, I'm really making an effort to ask for help when I need it and getting as much sleep as I can. My depression manifested itself with intrusive thoughts (terrible things happening to the kids and such) and a complete inability to make simple decisions, like what to have for dinner. I could not enjoy the kids at all and would fly into a rage about things like naps. This time, that stuff is not happening, I'm definitely irritable some days, and irrational, but I'm pretty sure it's normal sleep deprevation stuff. The thing I'm finding hard this time, is since I was very open about what I went through last time, that I'm afraid whenever I do break down a bit everyone immediately thinks I need to go on meds so I feel sometimes like I have to act extra happy!
It's great that I have people keeping an eye on things for me, but that is tough.

thanks for sharing anika, i remember bits and pieces from our ddc but never heard the whole story. my anxiety/insomnia is why i couldn't do the homebirth. fortunately, it worked all right at the birthing center without induction. my hb mw is pushing herbs and flower essences which has gotten me through in the past. it's not going to cut it this time. i can't count on feeling better in a week or two b/c it's so different--this time it started before i even gave birth! i wish i could relax about the sleep b/c i think that would help a lot...unfortunately MOST of my anxiety is about sleep--i actually fear going to sleep. so that's my huge problem.

[GreenTeaGinger61]

I'll just chime in that I would go on meds if I had to. I'd also be very proactive about making sure I found one that worked, dosage etc. I was too passive the last time I went on meds and didn't speak up enough about what wasn't working.

Good luck Kris and lots of (((hugs))). Take it one day at a time...and I hope you can get in to see your doc today.

But like Ivy said what I put my poor son and husband through was not pretty. Lots of anger, nilism, and tears. It was seriously one of the worst times of my life. I still have a very hard time even thinking about it.

Yesterday was rough. I'm so tired, and the exhaustion is making very hard to cope. Dh is wonderful and my best friend but he really just doesn't get depression. Basically everytime I said something to the kids that was a bit short, dh would critize me "Don't talk to her like that...she's just asking." After the fifth time, I lost it and started sobbing. I HATE doing that because I feel so manipulative! I tried to explain to dh that I needed him to be way more gentle and less critical. He agreed but I don't think he got it. It was the closest I've felt to that yucky time. Right now I feel out of control, tired, etc. I want to be able to lay around and sleep but that's not happening. I need to work on standing up for what I need. I have to keep reminding everyone me that I just had a baby not even three weeks ago.