Earning the privilege of home schooling

[mamasaurus]

I am home schooling my 7yo and 5yo. Pulled the 7yo out of school January 2010 and started then. She had been in PS for 1.5 years.

My 7yo DD has Aspergers and is gifted. Her personality is strong and she dominates our family. She is a challenge to be around. When she was younger, she used to hit, kick and bite all of us. She doesn't do that so much now - we've worked with her on that. But now she has verbal prowess, and she cuts through us with words and tone of voice. She is mean, nasty, rude, sarcastic, and more. Very, very difficult to live with.

Of course, we are working with her on this. We have specialists and psychologists helping us. We are trying things. But so far, we aren't getting through to her. It is painful to be around her, to the point of me wanting to run away, or send her away (where, I don't know - but I have this idea in my head of sending her off to live with some other nice people somewhere, KWIM?).

So... homeschooling has been a problem. Being around her nearly 24/7 (except for sleeping) has been really, REALLY hard.

I'm to the point of saying to her, that if she wants to continue to be home schooled (which she does), then she is going to have to EARN the privilege. Because in our house, it is a privilege. We are not hardcore home schoolers. We have a perfectly fine public school 8 minutes from our house that she could attend. We only pulled her out to give this a try, because home schooling was something we have always been interested in doing. But we could send her back to PS, no problem.

What do you think? Anyone BTDT? Anyone sent a child back to school because home schooling them was too hard? Anyone see a child turn around and change their behavior because they really wanted to home school?

[lotusdebi]

I also have a 7 year old with Asperger's/ HFA. I totally know what you mean with the attitude and strong personality and everything! It's exhausting and frustrating! I use the threat of public school all the time. My son wants to be homeschooled. But, for that to happen, he has to follow my directions. It would be easier in many ways to just send him to public school, but the constant IEP meetings would be a headache, and I know he would suffer emotionally and academically.

I have discussed the concept of a contract with my son. I expect a certain amount of cooperation from him. I expect for him to do his schoolwork, help around the house, and be a generally positive influence on his brother. When his attitude and oppositional behaviors become a constant problem, I am sure to let him know that he's not holding up his end of the bargain and I'd be happy to enroll him in school. So, he tries harder. I wish there were other ways to elicit his cooperation, but after nearly 8 years of living with him and trying one thing after another, I've gotten nowhere.

Good luck to you!

[kathymuggle]

Somehow work on getting some separate time.

Ideas: - a class for you
-a class for her
-leaving DD with partner once a week in the evening so you can xyz (shop, work out, go to the library)
-any Hs co-ops? Girl guides. Sunday school
-mandatory daily outdoor time
-early bedtime. if she doesn't sleep feel ready to sleep she can read.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by mamasaurus

I'm to the point of saying to her, that if she wants to continue to be home schooled (which she does), then she is going to have to EARN the privilege. Because in our house, it is a privilege. We are not hardcore home schoolers. We have a perfectly fine public school 8 minutes from our house that she could attend. We only pulled her out to give this a try, because home schooling was something we have always been interested in doing. But we could send her back to PS, no problem.

If her behavoir is something she can control and has a choice in, that might make sense. It doesn't sound like that is the case, so you would be punishing her for having special needs, which is wrong on many, many levels.

There's nothing wrong with sending her to school, but not as a punishment. It sounds like school worked just fine for her and homeschooling doesn't, so school makes more sense. There's no need to complicate it by making her feel bad about it, about making it her fault.

[Lillian J]

It would seem to me that she's having enough trouble trying to deal with her challenges as it is. The extra pressures of school can make it all the more difficult for her, and in turn for the rest of the family, magnifying her difficulties all the more. It doesn't seem to me as if homeschooling should be considered a privilege under these kinds of circumstances so much as just a means of supporting and nurturing her unique needs. I have to wonder whether her giftedness is making it seem as if she should have more control over her ways of thinking than she does. I'm sure you've already researched a lot for help over the years, but here are books that might also be helpful - I've taken the links from the HomeSchool Assn. of California site, and you can go to their special challenges section for lots more suggestions that have been made by other parents dealing with similar situations.

Homeschooling the Child With Asperger Syndrome: Real Help for Parents Anywhere and on Any Budget. Lise Pyles.
Home Educating Our Autistic Spectrum Children: Paths Are Made by Walking. Terri Dowty and Kitt Cowlishaw.
Parenting a Child With Asperger Syndrome: 200 Tips and Strategies. Brenda Boyd.
All Cats Have Asperger Syndrome. Kathy Hoopmann.
The Asperger Parent: How to Raise a Child with Asperger Syndrome and Maintain Your Sense of Humor. Jeffrey Cohen.
Choosing Home: Deciding to Homeschool With Asperger's Syndrome. Martha Kennedy Hartnett.
The OASIS Guide to Asperger Syndrome: Completely Revised and Updated: Advice, Support, Insight, and Inspiration. Patricia Romanowski Bashe, Barbara L. Kirby, Simon Baron-Cohen, Tony Attwood.

All the best - Lillian

[One_Girl]

Did she do better or about the same when she was in school than she is doing now at home? If so then I think sending her back would make sense, but not as a punishment. If it is overwhelming for you then I think you should accept that and send her back to school without putting the blame on her since she can't control a lot of her behavior without intensive help. If she didn't do very well then I think that you should try to find other outlets for getting away from the house makes more sense. My dd doesn't have Aspergers and I have weeks where I really regret my decision to homeschool. Since I have started splurging on the Y sleepover and a few hours to myself every week I have started to enjoy it more and sometimes feel that I could do this longer if I had that choice.

[Momma Aimee]

my comment would be -- do you think she has a lot of control over her behavior? Is she making choices? ....if she is making choices .. then i see it as a realistic thing to consider (maybe not do, but worth being on the table).

but if she is not CHOOSEING it -- if it is not a disobedance issue -- then i agree with PP and it would be punsihing her for her SN.

However I want to go on and add -- if homeschool is not working, and can't be made to work -- for the whole family (you OP included) then public school IS an option, not as punishment -- merely as an educational choice for the better of the family unit as a whole.

Public school can be chosen as a need for the family without it being a punshiment for DD ....

[ikesmom]

I think this is one of those hard times to know what to do.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time..I know it can start to wear on you and your nerves.

If you were to send her to school do you think she would stop the difficult behavior?


I would stop using ps as a threat and just let her know that you guys are going to try it out. You will never know which way is best unless you try it. You might feel a little guilty at first with your other kids at home, but I think that they might benefit from some private time with you. If it doesn't work out then you could always bring her back home. I would try to give it some time though because the transition alone is probably going to take some getting used to.

[chfriend]

It sounds like you are at the end of your rope. Maybe school is the help you need; maybe it's something else.

Threats don't seem to be working to get you what you want from her.

Do the specialist helpers you are using have an opinion on this method of attempting to shape her behavior? If you are going to use behavioral methods to elicite the behavior you want, would establishing a straightforward reward and punishment system be useful?

In terms of behavior shaping, your planned outcomes seem too vague. Have you tried defining specific behaviors you are trying to gain with specific rewards and punishments tied to them?

I don't think that "Straighten up or I'm packing you off to school" is likely to make either homeschool or ultimately using building school work very well.

[AllyRae]

I certainly wouldn't use public schools as a punishment. Especially if one day you decide to send her back to school just because of your own personal preference...with asperger's, they certainly WILL see that as a punishment for their own behavior even if it has nothing to do with it.

I ditto the others...maybe she doesn't really have full control over her behavior. Otherwise, it would be just a disobedient child and not the symptoms of an actual psychological issue. Maybe homeschooling isn't the best option for her (I know it isn't for my gifted aspie...he's in a montessori school because homeschooling was not a good option for him). Maybe it is a good option but *you* need to figure out how to best make it work...making sure you get regular breaks away, taking classes on behavior management, etc. Is she regularly attending therapy services?