Why is this bothering me so much?

[Pepe]

How do you feel about friends correcting or disciplining your kiddo? When this happened yesterday, my DS, age 4, had pushed our friend (parent of DS' peer). I didn't see it happen, so I'm not quite sure how it came about or how it was intended--probably somewhat playfully, but that's still not cool. The way our friend handled it was absolutely fine--he got down on DS' level, told him he doesn't like that, etc., just as I would have done--but I felt SO horrible about the whole incident.

There are a few details in the mix here. Their child is EXTREMELY sensitive and unassertive, so when we get together, I am CONSTANTLY monitoring DS and his behavior so that she is comfortable. DS is generally considered a very mild, loving kid, but sure, he has moods and can get bossy. We love these new-ish friends very much, so I'm trying to figure out why this is making me feel like such a negligent failure.

Here's the scramble in my mind: I am trying to deal with my own issues regarding to what extent my kid and his behavior reflect on me. Of course, I want him to be respectful and aware of everyone around him. I'm working on not taking it personally when he misbehaves or is less than angelic. I know I have to get my mind around the various ways others will perceive him. I think there's an element of frustration here, too, because I am trying to be so conscientious about DS's actions, yet this still happened. Granted, he was very overtired and a little cross today.

Why was this incident so upsetting to me?

[madskye]

I think it's upsetting because you've made new friends that you really like--and you're probably feeling a little insecure that you'll lose them. And maybe you're a little embarrassed that your child behaved disrespectfully but...he is four! It sounds like, from how they handled it, that they get what is age-appropriate and understand that he is still a child who will make occasional mistakes.

Sometimes it's hard to let things go though, I had something annoying happen last week that I had a hard time working through. I'm over it now though!

Also, I don't mind if people gently discipline DD. It doesn't happen very often, because I am usually right there, but never say never. And when they are GOOD friends, there will be times when you are relaxed enough or helping someone else and not in charge of supervising.

[ewe+lamb]

Its the whole thing that a child of yours is a reflection of you, the 'bad behaviour' as is seen is a reflection on us - the parents.

I totally get where you are coming from, kids will be kids and at 4 pushing is a fairly normal thing - not saying that we should let it go but it's part and parcel of being a kid - our ds was a biter - let me assure you that that is far more socially unacceptable than pushing - but we got over it and he is a kind, sensitive and considerate child - i would imagine that this very sensitive child doesn't know it yet but is thankful that he's not around other kids who aren't as kind and considerate as your child. Ease up on yourself, there's no need to beat yourself up about this, at some point in anyone's life they are going to be told off by someone else - child or not!

How do I feel about someone else telling off my kids - I really don't mind BUT it has to be done in a respectful, understanding and age appropriate manner, if not I shall step in, our kids know this and understand - I've even told them to walk away from people and ignore them if they are speaking in an aggressive way - and they do - much to the annoyance of the said adult trying to correct our kids, however, now that the folk in the park know how i and one or two other mothers react the 'punishments' and 'aggressiveness' has somewhat lessened off, but goodness it's never easy!

[Babina's Mommy]

How do you feel about friends correcting or disciplining your kiddo?

I wouldn't really love it, so I don't tend to do it, except in a few cases. One of where my child is being hit or whatnot and the other parent is doing absolutely nothing about it. The other case is where the child is on my property and potentially ruining something we own. Both have and do happen to us. Just the other day I had to ask another little boy to stop throwing things at my childrens' heads because mom was just kind of sitting there. Lastly, if we're at the playground and older children are causing problems as in they won't get off the slide or going up backwards, things where daughter can't use it. So I guess I do it, LOL, but in these cases, my daughter would not do any of those things herself except maybe at home, so it's not something I'd have to worry about.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I'm with pp - it sounds like your friend handled it great! And understood that your child is 4, and 4 year olds will act like 4 year olds sometimes. I wouldn't worry.

But, if you want to, you can bring it with them - "Hey, I'm really sorry DS pushed you the other day. I'm really glad you handled it so well, we're working on teaching him not to push and we try to react exactly the way you did."

[JL83]

1) I think it's great when you find people who are happy to parent in a similar manner to you. I've tried to get to know alot of people on my parenting journey. The only people who seem to "stick" are those who parent similarly. The fact that the other dad handled it the way you did is a plus.

2) I also think it's great when other parents can deal with the minor things when they happen rather than having to involve all the adults. There are a group of us who are now at the point where we just deal with each other's kids. We all parent similarly (using GD) and it works well. The adult who goes to check on the kids when we hear screaming/crying/silence is the one who deals.

3) Kids seem to listen to other adults better than their own parents. Especially if it's at the other adult's home. We have a couch that's not a jumping couch. When we first got it I tried asking the other parents to get their kids to sit on the couch rather than stand or walk or jump or play. They would try but didn't have much success (mainly the parents who let their kids jump on the couches at home). When I started telling the kids what the rules were at our house we had almost 100% compliance. Now sometimes kids forget and I just remind them and they happily get down and run off to play with something else.

4) The fact that the dad just dealt with your son means he understands that your son is his own person and it's not a reflection on you.

[One_Girl]

I felt the same way when we first started getting together with friends with kids, but now I have no problem with it. I think that it is great that your friend handled it so gently. I think it is important for other people to speak up, especially in this way, when something like pushing or hitting happens to them because it models healthy boundaries rather than another rule from mom.

[lach]

I think that it takes a village, and I don't have anything wrong with what your friend did. It sounds like she handled it in an appropriate way. I would be very upset if someone grabbed my child and started spanking her, but I personally really appreciate it when the adult nearest to the altercation steps in and uses appropriate discipline. Makes my life easier but I also don't mind my DD getting the lesson that just because my back is turned doesn't mean that she can get away with things.

It's also not a bad lesson that different houses have different rules: even if some level of hitting is okay at your house (you say you think it was done "playfully"), some families have less tolerance for certain behaviors. As a parent, it's definitely our job to keep our kids away from households where we strongly disagree with their rules, for moral or practical reasons (if they serve their 4yo alcohol or whatever), but this level of difference is a good lesson IMO.

[transylvania_mom]

it sounds like your friend handled it beautifully.
Maybe you are upset because you think the way he behaves reflects how you parent?

I found this is often not true after 4. With my ds, I can't control him or make him mind. What I can do is apologize or remove him from the situation. Sometimes other people must intervene and make their feelings clear so he can get the point. (I can't tell him to stop annoying grandma when she is right there patting his head and smiling at him while I'm lecturing). My point is, our dk are separate from us and they must (gently) learn their own lessons.

[sapphire_chan]

I think you are upset because you feel like you should have intervened before the father had a chance to say anything to your ds. So the question is, when you're with someone who handles things as gently and effectively as you would, do you want to have all the children supervised by all the adults or do you want to have each parent handle their own child exclusively?

To me, it seems like the dad is of the "first on scene deals" school of thought. As such, he's not going to think any less of your ds for needing adult guidance and not going to think any less of you for not jumping in to guide your son before the dad could speak up.

Personally, I love being with people who are willing to step up on discipline (okay, at Lina's age it's all redirection and distraction) and handle it like I would (often better!). Lets me take a mental break.

[kalimay]

I think it is hard to have someone else correct your child especially when you are trying so hard to be proactive watching their behavior. I am sorry you are feeling bad about what happened and hope it is not bothering you so much now. One thing I would be careful of though is labeling the other child. They are new friends and you say the little girl is "EXTREMELY sensitive and unassertive.". If you are worrying about your new friends judging your child you might want to rethink how you are labeling their child.

[VisionaryMom]

When my children interfere with others (such as by hitting them), then I fully expect that person to say something. I would say something to anyone who hit me, regardless of age or intent. What I say will vary based on the situation, but it's not "disciplining" your child to say "hey, I don't like to be hit. Please don't do that again." That's the other person respecting his personal boundaries, and imo, there's no need to wait for you to handle it.

It will help tremendously if you can back away from the idea that your children are a mere reflection of you. Two children raised in the same environment can end up completely different with the same parenting. I view my job as a mom as guiding my children to use their talents & personality to function best in the world, and along the way we discuss how to handle problem behaviors.

I think it creates problems when parents believe that their good intentions & actions will result in a wonderful child who follows the parents' beliefs perfectly. It creates a need to excuse and defend your child's behavior. Even here, you are excusing your son - he was probably playful, he was tired, their child (who isn't the one he hit, incidentally) isn't assertive. The bottom line is that whatever you've taught your child about not hitting, he did it. That's developmentally normal, and it was handled fine. It's when you start to excuse the behavior, to me, that it becomes a reflection in that others start to see you as that mom who allows her kids to do anything and cannot admit when they're wrong.

[rightkindofme]

I have several friends who are 'eldest children' and they intervene a lot. It was very very hard for me at first because it hit all kinds of triggers for me. So I really understand how it can upset you. The thing is, I want my child to look at these friends as authority figures. These are all people who do extensive babysitting and who are basically chosen family. So for me I made a conscious effort to deal with my feelings and allow that dynamic to develop however it will.

Your situation is different because these are new friends. I think that you should probably talk to the parent in question and say very specifically that you aren't angry that he did that--but you would like to talk about how to handle that kind of stuff in the future. Do you want to agree to having a mutual sort of, "We can both redirect one another's kids" sort of dynamic or do you want to have a, "I parent my kid, thanks" sort of dynamic. Either is ok! It's just better to have that kind of thing talked out where possible, in my opinion. But I'm a super-processy-Californian.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by Pepe

How do you feel about friends correcting or disciplining your kiddo? When this happened yesterday, my DS, age 4, had pushed our friend (parent of DS' peer). I didn't see it happen, so I'm not quite sure how it came about or how it was intended--probably somewhat playfully, but that's still not cool. The way our friend handled it was absolutely fine--he got down on DS' level, told him he doesn't like that, etc., just as I would have done--but I felt SO horrible about the whole incident.

I don't really see this as correcting or "disciplining," unless you have left information out. Your kid pushed; the friend said he didn't like being pushed. A teaching moment, for sure....but not "discipline" as most people use the word. If he had tried to give your kid a time-out, that would be a different story.

I wouldn't have a problem with this sort of thing at all....especially if I wasn't there to see what happened. "First on the scene" makes sense in that scenario, IMO.

The sort of thing I have a problem with is when friends or relatives step in when I'm standing right there, before I have a chance to deal with it. But really, that's only with certain people....mostly relatives who are hot-headed and like to yell and punish. Most of my friends are reasonable people who would handle things just fine. My boys also have an aunt who used to try to dictate what my kids would eat when we were all together....she's a member of the clean-plate club, and it drove her batty that I didn't make my boys eat every speck of food before leaving the table.

[phathui5]

I agree that what your friend did was appropriate. I would have been fine with another parent talking to one of my children if they pushed someone, even if it was a random parent at the playground that we didn't know. As long as they aren't yelling about it, I don't have anything against people telling my children not to push/hit/etc.