Rigid routines and screaming

[half-pint]

A little background: DS is nearly 4. He has special needs and a severe speech delay. We sign and communicate pretty well. Possible mild cognitive delay but not sure at this point.
He can be very rigid in his routines and his ideas about how things should go. The thing that sets him off lately is "being first" when entering or exiting a door. He needs 1. the door to be completley closed 2. to be the first one to go through it without other people coming at the same time.

When we are in a busy place like a mall he will throw a high-pitched screaming protest when people overtake him or get to the door first. I honestly try not to take him to such environments but of course it is not possible all the time. He did this recently in the library which was awful. I don't want to avoid ALL places, esp the library or community centre. If people kindly wait behind him, he will feel threatened by them and say no and sometimes push them back.
If I scoop him up and rush through the door when the screaming starts he is, in a sense, getting what he wants which is to get through the door first. We have talked about it, done role play. Even talking about it he will start screaming "no no!!" and signing about the people and being first, etc.

How do I work on this behavior? Thanks if you even got this far!

[ssh]

Have you cross posted in the special needs forum? I'm not sure what you can do other than talking about it. Maybe play a door opening game at home and lead up to a taking turns part or letting some of your DSs 'toy friends' open the door. Maybe build something with a pretend door, with blocks or chair and blanket and let your DSs toys take turns opening it.

[~cassie]

my 2 1/2 yr old is similar. Wants to be the one to turn the lights on/off, open/close the door, etc. If I ask him to do something and doesn't move, I'll ask his brother and as soon as he sees his brother about to do it, he throws a huge fit and rushes to do it. If he doesn't get there before big brother does it(like turn off a light) then he must turn it back on and then go sit down and have me ask him to turn it off. Frusturating, to say the least.

I have stopped fighting it and humoring him instead. So what if he wants to be the one to turn off the light(or be the first through the door), is it really hurting anyone for that to occur? Now I do not humor him when the thing he wants to do is dangerous-using a sharp knife or not holding hands in the parking lot--but if I can, I try to find a safe alternative for him. Like instead of holding my hand, he is allowed to hold the grocery cart right next to my hand.

No matter what situation it is, I find that I can allow him to do that certain activity/ritual or find a more appropriate alternative that results in less tantrums and a happier kid(and mom!). It has been hard to change my thinking from "I'm letting my 3 yr old rule the roost" to "I'm helping him feel more in control."