How do you discipline?

[YayJennie]

I'm interested in how AP parents discipline their kids. Any advice on how to discipline effectively but gently? Especially recommendations for good discipline books. I just read 1-2-3 Magic, but honestly I'm not very keen on time outs or bribery, both of which are advocated for in that book. I would really like to get Discipline Without Distress, but no stores in my area carry it so I'd have to special order it. Has anyone read it? Any other good book recommendations, or good strategy recommendations?

[lisavark]

Unconditional Parenting! It's not exactly a practical discipline advice book, but it will totally transform your philosophy of how you interact with you kids. It did for me, anyway. It's totally against any kind of punishments or rewards. The practical advice in it is more for older kids, not toddlers, but I use the philosophy from it to make my own strategies for my toddler. Basically we use redirection, empathy and emotions validation (similar to Happiest Toddler on the Block), and time-ins (which breastfeeding makes really easy...not sure what I'll do when she weans!).

Honestly, pretty much all our "discipline problems" are easily solved with food and sleep. My daughter's perfect when she's not hungry or tired.

[starlein26]

At your son's age it's all about gentle re-direction and distraction. What sorts of specific behaviors are you having a hard time with?

[YayJennie]

Thank you so much! I love Alfie Kohn, and have read a bunch of his stuff in my Master's program for education. I'm picking this book up tomorrow He's very into intrinsic motivation, which I completely agree with, but it's hard to find discipline techniques that agree with it.

[kavamamakava]

I think you sound like the type of person who would love Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey. http://www.beckybailey.com/store.cfm...t=0&prod_id=87
She gives actual scenarios and practical advice for implementing ideas I remember reading about when I was reading Alfie Kohn. My children aren't motivated by rewards or punishments, either. I'm very matter of fact about things. If they need me to take executive control because they are having a hard time, I do. I separate them or guide them to a different activity or make them stick close to me if they aren't able to handle the responsibility of being far away from me. They get pretty bored of that one!

My son is on the Autism Spectrum so I often use the Collaborative Problem Solving from Dr. Greene method to help him sort through problems without melting down and learning to feel that he's a part of the solution and not just doing what he's told.
But I think, overall, that I don't assume my kids are being bad and I often tell myself that if I were training a new employee I would be encouraging and helpful because I would remember they are new at this. My kids are also learning and new at a lot of things they do so I try to remember to be patient with them.

[jillian+1]

This is a vote for "Unconditional Parenting". I do occasionally have to remove dd from a situation, or remove a situation from her as the case may be, and I always explain why. Usually it's something along the lines of, that's not safe, and I have to keep you safe, or alternately, that's not safe for that object, and I have to keep that object safe. Also, providing multiple acceptable options (would you like to walk, or should I carry you?), providing lots of warning (in 20/10/5 minutes, we're going to leave for the store), and teaching empathy.

I actually like the Becky Bailey stuff too, for empathy and modeling good emotional literacy and habits.

[blizzard_babe]

I've not found a discipline book or "method" that really fits what we do. As DS has approached two years of age, and his language has increased, we've been able to work out simple cause-and-effect chains with him. "Do we bite the dog?" "No." "What can we do to the dog?" "Pet Loki. Kiss Loki. Scratch Loki." "What happens if you bite the dog?" "Loki go in the bedroom." "Yes, we put Loki in the bedroom because we don't want him getting hurt. Ouch." But until he had pretty advanced language, this kind of stuff was difficult... and we still need to cover pretty much the same lessons repeatedly.

As often as possible, we try to emphasize logical consequences, if not natural consequences. Sometimes, as in the biting-the-dog example, I'm not going to wait around for the natural consequence to happen... the dog deciding he doesn't want any more biting and lashes out as dogs do... with his teeth (though we have a dog who should probably be nominated for Doggie Sainthood). So we go with logical consequences... you hurt doggie, doggie has to go in the other room. Natural consequences are like... you drop food on the floor, doggie eats food. Big bummer. I'll comfort you, but there's a lesson to be learned there.

We also do a lot of offering of options, though DS has now figured out that he doesn't HAVE to pick either of the options, so sometimes we're still just "those" parents carrying a screaming kid out of the grocery store because. "You can push the cart or you can ride in the cart. Which one?" "NO PUSHING NO RIDING! PLAY WITH THE BALLS!" Is not an option when you need to finish your shopping .

So... I guess I don't have a recommendation for a book. I liked Playful Parenting, but it's not exactly a discipline book. Our "discipline method," if it can even be called that, is that in life, there are rules (primarily for our safety and the safety of others), and DS, as a two year-old, cannot possibly be expected to comprehend or even necessarily follow those rules, so it's our job to make them as (a) palatable to and respectful of him as possible (we don't just jerk dangerous objects away from him and yell, "NO!" while slapping his hand), (b) comprehensible to him whenever possible, (c) the result of a conscious choice on his part whenever possible, and (d) NEVER a factor in whether he is loved or not.

Notice there's a lot of "whenever possible." This is where I feel a lot of "AP" book fail my personal reality test. Most give lip service to "and sometimes you just have to do things," but there's often a lack of gray area, or even of continuum. Either you're *insert name of parenting/discipline style here*, or you're not respecting the child.

So I ignore a lot of what I read in books, even ones I mostly agree with. Take away a general idea and a few tricks and techniques, and continue on my merry way.

[DevaMajka]

loved loved loved Becoming The Parent You Want to Be!!

It's aimed at kids up to 5yo, and talks a lot about why they do the things they do. The authors give a bunch of different ways to deal with things, and there is a section that specifically deals with "difficult behavior"- things like biting, etc. It's easy to follow, and gives some concrete "what to do" that you can mix and match to fit your situation.

I would have been lost without the ideas in that book!

[kavamamakava]

Oh yeah there's also Hilary Flower's Book Adventures in Gentle Discipline. She posts on these forums and included a story about my son in there

[NellieKatz]

I couldn't answer this question helpfully without first finding out how you define "discipline." (in the context of your question)

That is, what is discipline and why do you want to do it? Once that's known, the best methods can be discussed. In my opinion. :-)