Overcoming parental disappointment....

[New_Natural_Mom]

more to the point, being disappointed in your parents. I love my parents, and I had a decent upbringing. My entire life (from the time that I first have memories) I know that they didn't understand me nor interact with me in the ways that I needed. I knew it instinctively, but can only vocalize it now that I am a parent. They didn't have a parenting philosophy other than children need to do what their parents say. Period. They spanked (and still would - though they know never to lay a hand on my son). They used to ground me constantly during pre-school, kindegarten, and grade school. If I didn't do what they wanted or "talked back" or looked at them wrong I was grounded. (Which is really funny b/c I was the only kid in the neighborhood, so they weren't grounding me from friends.) I don't understand why they chose to do the things they did - for the most part I think it was for their convenience and comfort more than learning experience for me. And it never occurred to them that their methods weren't working b/c I kept doing/saying the same things! (Nothing bad, just normal kid stuff.) I spent at least half the years from 3-8 years old grounded in some way.

My dad in particular was cruel. He would taunt me, use reverse psychology, and bully me. He was like a perpetual 10 year old bully - and would never take responsibility for his behavior. If your feelings were hurt it was because you were being too sensitive, or he didn't mean to hurt feeligns, etc.

Anyway, I am having trouble getting over this. They don't think they did anything wrong. Even after we've talked about it they said they wouldn't change what they did or how they raised me. They just don't *see* an issue, which makes me feel like the don't see *me*. We can really only have a superficial relationship without getting into anything personal or there is just no connection.

After a recent conversation with my father where we were discussing if our relationship could/would get better, he said that it never would because he doesn't care enough to work on it. He said that. He doesn't want to change and won't change, so the only way the relationship will improve is if I behave how he wants. His motto when I was growing up was "Do what I say, not what I do." Now it is, "I want what I want when I want it" and "it is what it is."

I am tearing up just writing this. How do I get over this? How do I heal? I am trying so hard to really *see* my son and foster a relationship where we are both satisfied emotionally. My DH is my only real close relationship at all in my life. I don't have close friends (for many reasons) and I don't know, I feel alone emotionally a lot which is just confusing.

I think I might try to find a counselor when I get some extra cash.

[Raine822]

I am so sorry you have to go through this.

My mother is the same way. I have recently discovered the term "toxic parent" (there is an entire thread on here full of similar stories) that helped me see that I am not alone or overreacting. The thread also gave me some terms to search. I have been doing much research on the Internet and waiting for some books from my library.

I would recommend reading some of the thread on toxic parents and see if you may be dealing with the same and go from there.

[BettinaAuSucre]

I have been dealing with something similar...

My father isn't technically a "toxic" parent, as he did the best he could as a single father of 4 kids, one being the only female. He tried to have relationships during our growing up but they all failed until a few years ago, when he met a decently nice woman. Soon after, I was shoved out of his home because she needed the room for her two middle school aged boys.

I was obviously upset and this tainted our relationship. After doing some growing up and dealing with a divorce, i spoke with my oldest brother about my father's lack of communication and visitation with the family. He told me that my father has a problem making deep relationships with more than one person. I could see this because of his previous failed relationships all ended around the time one of his kids needed attention.

It's been really hard for me to deal with that fact. I am married and my husbands family is super close. They visit at least once a year, call every week and send cards for holidays. Pretty normal, right? Well my father hasn't sent me a card in at least 10 years, never calls me, never visits even though he visits my grandmother who lives in the same city as me. Extremely disappointing, right?

But I came to realize he was only doing what he thought was best. Harvesting a good relationship with his current wife and forgetting his children still need him too, despite being grown and out on our own. It wasn't him intentionally choosing her over us. It's just how he was raised by his family and his slight emotional deficiency towards more than one relationship.


I know this probably isn't anything like how your family is, I just wanted you to know that there are others who have not to typical families who have had to come to terms with it and make a family of their own. I have learned to surround myself with friends and partners to make my family. It really helped me accept my fathers shortcomings and make myself happy.

[Galatea]

I think it is Oprah who has a good line: "When someone shows you who you are, BELIEVE THEM." Your dad has been very clear about who and what he is, and it is unlikely you are going to get what you want from him (acknowledgment that his parenting method was less-than-stellar.) The nice thing about personal growth, though, is that it is indeed personal, and in the end, doesn't require anything but yourself.

My dad and I had a lot of problems - not exactly the same as your dad, but definitely the whole "if you are hurt, it is your fault for being sensitive." I worked on this for a long time by myself, in 12-step groups, and in therapy. This entailed a lot of feeling my anger, and separating from him for awhile to process it. Then, 3 years into this, one day we were out to lunch, and somehow the topic came up, and I explained to my dad what it was like to grow up with him (I used the imagery that described it in my mind) and he got quiet and said, "I didn't mean to have that effect, and had I known it had that effect on you, I would not have done it." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And you know what? Even though he said what I always thought I wanted to hear, it was totally anticlimactic, b/c the actual important work of accepting my rage, feeling it, and moving through it had already been done in my head.

Now we didn't sail off into the sunset, either. It still comes up occasionally, like it did over the holidays when he was belittling me in front of everyone, and I threw a fork at him and told him that though he could disagree with me about everything, he had no right to denigrate me as a person. We separated for a month or so, and since then, he has been really really kind. Part of what helped me process all of it was hearing about his own childhood, and how his own alcoholic father was... and when he talked about it, he learned a lot about himself that he had never considered. Something to also keep in mind is that personal and emotional reflection were not exactly rewarded in men of his generation.

Good luck.