Taking Our Power Back. Right Now. *~*'~* May Dating Thread *~*'~*

[Butterflymom]

It sounds harsh. Some of you are already doing this. Some of us aren't.........but let me back up.

I hear the 'voices' of strong, intelligent, amazing women on this thread. I hear the voices of amazing mothers on this thread. The kind of women our sons will grow up to admire and respect and learn of the amazingness of womankind from. The kinds of women your daughters will grow up to emulate. Bravo, us!!!!!!! We really do rock. It's a group here I am proud to belong to.

We had a hard April, most of us. There was a happy happy joy joy period in 2009, towards the end there, where some of us chronically loveless were finding or deepening relationships with special someones. A month or three months (or, in Seie's case, a year) later.... gulp. ouch.

We're doing a damn good job letting ourselves be human, juggling other aspects of our lives, etc, but darn it we are not quite as empowered about our dating lives as we could be.

Let's start taking all our amazing power back. Stand up a little straighter, starting today. Remind yourself that you are a goddess, in the mirror. After all, our kids already look at us like that. Men are already noticing us as such. But let's face it, there are users, manipulators, leeches (however you want to call it, potato, potatoe) out there who will latch on (and not in the good way!) and take a little piece of our spirits, and a ton of our energy and time, if we let them.

New protocol. New methods. New hoops that must be jumped through.

Don't forget, nothing is more sexy than confidence.

Question of the month, ladies: How do you plan on changing your habits to create a dating life that will be more about you calling the shots and seeking out love and romance on your terms?

We're nurturers. Givers by nature. Self-absorbed men (vultures) who love that kind of treatment must find us by our scent or something. Some of the most amazingly caring, nurturing mothers I have ever even heard of (sugar, seie, muse, heck -all of you) are also some women who have certainly been taken out for a temporary fantasy ride and then dumped back on your front porch, back to the grind as a single mama, without a sweetie. It absolutely sucks. But the common denominator is us. How do we start finding the men with the ice scrapers and less those Peter Pan types who really are not in a place to create a meaningful family life with a kick-ass single mom like us?

I, for one, am done. No more free rides (in the figurative sense, get your minds out of the gutter). I want a partner- a provider, a supporter, and a male figure who is capable of pulling his weight in the nurturing arena, as well. If he's offering only his time, for who-knows-how-long, then NEXT!!! This thread is full of MILFs and we don't gotta settle.

[kavamamakava]

Just what I needed to read today "Peter Pan" is old news now :P

[Butterflymom]

Gawd, I'm on a rampage today....

....glad someone benefitted!

Seie - You are suffering in limbo land and although you have a sweet crutch with the Manager, if your feelings aren't deepening into gooey gooey "I'm so lucky he's with me and not someone else" then you gotta tell him it's the friends zone for him. You'll feel relief from finding a decision about this. And maybe being all by yourself to stare at your grief over LL in the mirror and have one last hurrah of a wallow in those feelings, is what you need. The worst is then behind, I promise. You are entering a new phase whether it always feels that way or not. By sometime this summer, you won't feel like the knife was wrenched from your back sixty seconds ago. You'll still feel a raw spot there, but not nearly as fresh.

LoveOhm - You seem to really know what you are doing, and know how to play your life like a maestro. I think you and all of us know you are just juggling placeholders until the right guy comes along, though. The Artist is not gonna step up and make you the center of his world and he's not nearly as established as what you'd need from the 1 and only in your life, and the Agent just don't ring your bell. Put yourself out there and find that 'whole package' dude--becuase you are the whole package chica.

Sugarmoon - I'm so glad you got a friend outta ATG. That does rock. And you sound so self-aware and 'in motion.' I love it. And like you didn't need my speech today.

muse - Seriously, block. As in, yesterday. BLOCK.. NEXT!!!!

mumblemama - I wanna know!!!! dish!!!!!!


As for me, the DutchGuy and I video skyped for hours last night and are all ga-ga in love but I pretty much know without a shadow of a doubt that he's not gonna get a divorce so he can be with me. It just doesn't feel like he's on the verge of a major life upheaval, when he has a pretty cool life going on. Which is fine, I guess. He seems to care about me and admire me tremendously, so I emailed today and asked him to put his $$ where his mouth is (a carefully requested chunk of financial assistance, one that he could easily afford to do and which makes a lot of sense in regards to my life situation) and help out. Let's see if he comes through. Not to put a price tag on his sincerity, but... let's not forget he's loaded and as of yet, despite knowing how much I could use a bit of help, hasn't offered. This is month 3 (or is it 4?) since we've been in such frequent contact. I think it's reasonable (at least the way I phrased it, and for the purpose I described, it was) that he do something. I didn't even put an exact figure on it. It he balks at providing in any way for me, despite being the woman he claims is on his mind and in his dreams, 24/7, accompanying him everywhere, then..... I'm sorry, but !!!!!!! I think it will be a good point for me to trust him as far as I can throw him (and he's a huge guy, in a 6'4" and muscle-y way) and get him off my mind, if he declines.

Other than that, I'm going to Paris with girlfriends this weekend! Last time I was there it was when VGB and I fell in love, so I need new memories in that town. Now.

[Marsupialmom]

I have been a single parents once...........

I believe the reason I was successful in finding a great partner was because taking back my power didn't mean I controlled everything.

Coming out of a crappy relationship, I realized it wasn't all his fault NOR mine. I had played a vital part in that relationship. Gaining myself meant I had to take responsibility for that choice and my actions. I choose a man that was bad for many reasons. Gaining my strength and power mean dealing with those issues and learning to navigate them.

Men are already noticing us as such. But let's face it, there are users, manipulators, leeches (however you want to call it, potato, potatoe) out there who will latch on (and not in the good way!) and take a little piece of our spirits, and a ton of our energy and time, if we let them.

This is really a hateful an unproductive attitude. It is a gross generalization of men. Once you realize there are some PEOPLE no matter their Gender are this way. The thing is you have to find a partner that isn't that way. And there is a lot of good people out there!

Self-absorbed men (vultures) who love that kind of treatment must find us by our scent or something. Some of the most amazingly caring, nurturing mothers I have ever even heard of (sugar, seie, muse, heck -all of you) are also some women who have certainly been taken out for a temporary fantasy ride and then dumped back on your front porch, back to the grind as a single mama, without a sweetie. It absolutely sucks. But the common denominator is us. How do we start finding the men with the ice scrapers and less those Peter Pan types who really are not in a place to create a meaningful family life with a kick-ass single mom like us?

Relationships are a give and take. They find you/us not because of our scent but because of our day in and day out actions with other people and ourselves. You don't want control the relationship, you want to control yourself and be able to give an take respectfully.

A good person doesn't always make the most money. Review your standards that guy making ok money might be a good person.

Appreciate the simple things. The person giving you the most might have a dirty financial secret that haunts you long after.

Those that show off the most are not always the best choice.

Also analyze why you dad bad people....sometimes we date people "below" us because we want to feel superior. Don't try to rescue of fix the other person, you have not control over that.

Don't be a rescuer and don't expect him to be your rescuer.

Oddly enough -- track your period. When I ovulate, I get lustful and more likely to find a jerk.

[Bad Mama Jama]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

Question of the month, ladies: How do you plan on changing your habits to create a dating life that will be more about you calling the shots and seeking out love and romance on your terms?

I am clear up front. I just told someone today that I was not going to allow him to change my requirments and wants. We are not twins and his requirements (or lack thereof) have nothing to do with my standards. Either he can or he can't. It's just that simple. I have nothing to lose. I am already alone. I cannot allow someone else to dictate my expectations and I will not. I think he gets the picture. I am not the girlfriend for life type. Either something happens or push on. I think he may get that now.

[mumblemama]

[im outta here, good luck all]

[attachedmomto3]

Great post Butterflymom!

as for the question of the month....i don't know...i agree with bad mama jama that being upfront is good

i don't know really...im still waiting to see whats next w mr. electrician

its so funny bc i consider myself very confident and know what i want, but when it comes to men i get all foggy in the brain!!!

[sugarmoon]

Butterfly! She's back with a bang! My golly I've missed you, girl!!!!!!!!!!!!

And yes, I LOVE your speech today! I'm in a pretty good space with ATG, but it still stings, as times, for sure. And I am really puzzling as to why/how all these relationships end in the same way -- am I missing an earlier clue?

In other news, I have a new contender writing to me off the local dating site. Pretty cute, he's a college prof, so well educated...he may turn out to be a bit to 'average' for my taste, but he may also turn out to be surprisingly not average, hard to say, so far. But I'm in a good space for casually getting to know people, so I'll take it. The only bad thing, so far? He has the same name as my xh.

Glad to see everyone here!

[muse]

WOW, Butterflymom, you are bang on target with this post, and EXACTLY what i needed to hear as i start slipping into amnesia and doubts re CG. peter pan? wow, have you actually met him? you are unbelievably spot on with that one!

here's the gift though, this last "relationship" TRULY helped me in a million ways understand better where i am stuck, and helped me mature and move ahead with much more clarity. it also truly gave me so many gifts and i understand now brought me back to myself after the end of my marriage had knocked that out of me. what i understand; I *NEEDED* this to happen, and i also needed to end it.

Question of the month, ladies: How do you plan on changing your habits to create a dating life that will be more about you calling the shots and seeking out love and romance on your terms?

i'm going to ponder this because i'm not sure i'm even looking to date again yet. a friend warned me when i was eyeing a dr that we both know is probably trouble (but oh so handsome), that i am in a space right now where i could easily be attracted to the wrong thing.

i am feeling so happy to come back to *myself*. i miss CG, I miss the true deep soul connection we had, but I am happy to find in myself everything else that didn't quite fit into that and which i put aside. A big part was me really standing up for myself, in a non confrontational way, and I feel good about how i ended things in that regard.

On my treasure map this yr, images of relationship are to do with freedom, spaciousness, courage, fearlessness, care, respect. What i said to CG when things were falling apart: "I want to be in a relationship where we help each other *fly*". What i said to my mom in the breakup : "I'm looking for a man who is an adult and who can truly face life and all it brings".

I have great trust and hope.

[muse]

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom

Oddly enough -- track your period. When I ovulate, I get lustful and more likely to find a jerk.

haha! so true for me too. which is why i need to steer clear of the Dr right now

[sugarmoon]

Muse, can you tell me more about treasure mapping? I keep hearing about it, but am always confused about what exactly it *is*. I need some more concrete ways to put my plans, dreams, and hopes onto paper and into action, and I am also (finally!) a bit more willing to embrace the "woo-woo" ways of putting things out to the universe....

I gmail chatted for a while with the new contender last night, I'll call him the anthropologist, cause that's what he is...very creative, I know. He seems okay, but I need to work, even in that, on being mindful of *my* time -- i was about to close the compu and go shower/go to bed when he caught me on chat, and we ended up chatting for an hour...so I didn't have time to shower before bed like I usually do.

I just have such a hard time putting hard limits on my time, my willingness to give, be friendly, polite, accommodating, etc. I mean, the chatting with him was enjoyable and fine, but it is an example, to me, for me, of how easily I set aside whatever it is I was doing, or planning to do, in order to spend time with/on someone else.

So, food for thought, for me, this morning.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by sugarmoon

Muse, can you tell me more about treasure mapping? I keep hearing about it, but am always confused about what exactly it *is*. I need some more concrete ways to put my plans, dreams, and hopes onto paper and into action, and I am also (finally!) a bit more willing to embrace the "woo-woo" ways of putting things out to the universe....

It is also called a vision or dream board.

Check out this link for more information: http://christinekane.com/blog/how-to...-vision-board/

I make mine using Oprah's O Dream Board: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/O-Dream-...ur-Best-LifeTM It is all digital, using FREE dowloadable Adobe software. Then, I just print it out on my color printer, as mine is constantly evolving and changing.

[MommytoB]

Anyways, for those who do online dating which preferrably isn't working for me . Anyhow I was wondering if there are any hints for single decent guys to be hanging out at ?

Where would they usually be I'm not into bars and so I'm curious where they could be able to found .

[ilanaRose]

"Question of the month, ladies: How do you plan on changing your habits to create a dating life that will be more about you calling the shots and seeking out love and romance on your terms?"

I am so happy to have found this group! YAY! First off, butterfly mom, your post is EXACTLY what I needed to hear today! 3 months into a JDATE relationship I found out that after wanting to be exclusive early on (his idea) he is back to checking his online profile messages and then acting like it isn't a big deal...and now he's pulling the "I don't know if I want to be a dad yet" card when HE found ME and sought me out full-knowing I have a kid! He likes me, I'm attractive, bla bla bla...and then the big "BUT" the elephant in the room of being a single mom...is this how it always goes down? Meeting an apparently great guy and they want to back out suddenly? It's not over 100% yet, but...I really can't stand the inconsistency of it all...

So, as for the question...what I've learned so far that will empower me:
1) Apparently waiting 3 months to be intimate is nowhere near enough time....next time, wait until the love and exclusiveness if there FIRST, so I can find a man who loves me truly for who I am and not just how i look; it is really dis-empowering to give of yourself too soon, too easily(and here I thought 3 months was GOOOOOOD...hahahahahha)
2) Continue to date as many people as I want until there is a HUUUUUGE talk and serious talk about exclusivity; don't let one man be the center of my universe...isn't it funny how they want to be able to date around but want us to be exclusive? One-sided exclusiveness...like, they're looking for someone of the same caliber as we are or "better" but WITHOUT a kid...eff that...
3) Do a lot of screening, especially on the phone, etc. to weed guys out before allotting any of my precious time to physically go on a date
4) Continue to live my life in abundance and not put any plans on hold to fit around a potential date's schedule... i skipped a ski trip last month so I could hang out with my boyfriend who I guess isn't even my boyfriend since he doesn't like the "pressure" to commit...bahahhahahaha
5) DON'T SETTLE...sometimes i want to settle for someone "decent" even if I know they aren't 100% right for me out of the fear of not being able to find someone that is a good guy AND embraces my single-motherhood; I get scared I can't have it all and then try to make relationships work that clearly don't or shouldn't

OK...end of rant...

[sugarmoon]

Okay....I'm thinking about the question of the month this morning. I have noticed (and I think, remarked on in this thread) that I do tend to very easily give my power away in relationships. What I mean by that is that my default assumption is that I want to be with him, he may or may not want to be with me.

But the next step of that realization, for me, is that I *like* that power imbalance. Or not that I like it, but that when that feeling isn't there, I tend to dismiss the relationship early. I like being "head over heels" or "smitten" with someone. I love that giddy, intense connection.

But.

But, it hasn't gotten me anywhere.

Which leads me to ponder things with PhotoGuy. We had lunch earlier in the week, and had a few drinks last night. It got a little strange, in the way things do in small towns, as we ended up at the bar in the restaurant where ATG works, and the woman ATG is seeing was there as well -- luckily there are 2 bars, so ATG and I (after exchanging normal, low key greetings) wordlessly worked it out so they were are one bar and PG and I were at the other.

Anyway.

I enjoy PG's company. He is smart, he makes me laugh, and he was rocking my bedroom a few weeks ago . And the goodnight kiss I got last night was a serious improvement from the initial kiss I mentioned previously....

So what? I'm just still "eh". Possibly (at least partly) b/c of the lack of transition time from ATG to PG...but....also because it is a "he is growing on me" kind of thing, not a "hit in the face with smitten" kind of thing.

And maybe, maybe (I'm getting to the point here, I promise!) this is also partly about me being comfortable feeling like I can hold onto my power (which for me, equates into holding onto mySELF, my dreams, my time, my plans, my ME) in the context of a relationship?

I'm working on my zen about the whole thing. Letting the whole mess unfold.

Oh, and another small town funny: I am pretty good friends (as is ATG) with the woman who tends bar at the bar where PG and I were hanging out. She was not at the bar though, when PG and I came in together, and so she didn't realize that he and I were there together (we had already bought drinks, which PG had paid for, at the other bar, which might have been her other clue, and I only had water after getting to her bar), and she kept starting talking about ATG and how she wished he had appreciate me...I kept having to change the subject, and finally pulled her out of the bar and into the kitchen to explain that I was on a DATE with the guy next me!

So that's my life....

Hope the weekend is treating all of you well!

[muse]

Originally Posted by sugarmoon

Muse, can you tell me more about treasure mapping? I keep hearing about it, but am always confused about what exactly it *is*.

sugarmoon, do a search here on mdc, in the spirituality forums.

oy, i need to dome some more inner work. CG popped up again last night in a text msg, very intense one, acknowledging that his behavior came out of anxieties that got stirred up for him....then again today asking me how i could abandon all hope for us...everyone in my life is telling me ignore, disengage, and yet i keep getting back in there, responding to him.

i am absolutely no good at detaching from people, and especially because i have *such* mixed feelings about this one. the time we spent together was truly precious. i ahd such hope. and then some big stuff came up and stuff got triggered and it all headed south. which would be one thing if it was just DONE, but he is still hanging on and apparently i am too...

[LoveOhm]

Question of the month, ladies: How do you plan on changing your habits to create a dating life that will be more about you calling the shots and seeking out love and romance on your terms?

Butterfly I am really happy to see you bringing energy to this thread!

Dating as a single mom has opened my eyes to so much - including that I'm not really looking to call the shots and have things on my terms..... I do have standards of how I desire to be treated and like Bad Mama Jama I state those items right up front which sends the boys looking for a play thing running for the hills. More so than having things on my terms I desire a best friend - and need someone who is in a place where they are open to and desire the same. I am looking to build a friendship - a once in a life time this person knows me better than any other kind of friendship and I'm looking to build a family..... as since we all know Rome was not built in a day we know building takes time! I am okay with this taking time but I need to know they want the same and are willing to build along side me - two bricks for each one I lay or at least brick for brick. This leads to your other question....

How do we start finding the men with the ice scrapers and less those Peter Pan types who really are not in a place to create a meaningful family life with a kick-ass single mom like us?

Butterfly I struggle with this question alot more than the question of the month. Crazy part is the Agent is the guy with the ice scrapper....... and it has only shown me that the ice scrapper is sadly not enough. And leads me to wonder - Do men need to have accomplished a certain level of success / security (and I don't means in only a financial sense - but whatever they individually define as success) before they are capable of being the man with the ice scrapper?

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

LoveOhm - You seem to really know what you are doing, and know how to play your life like a maestro. I think you and all of us know you are just juggling placeholders until the right guy comes along, though. The Artist is not gonna step up and make you the center of his world and he's not nearly as established as what you'd need from the 1 and only in your life, and the Agent just don't ring your bell. Put yourself out there and find that 'whole package' dude--becuase you are the whole package chica.

hahaha I do somewhat know what I'm doing and it's feels kinda sad and naughty, that I can see and admit that! Sadly it appears both the Agent and the Artist may not be more than really nice placeholders but I do hope it may grow to something more than that.

I thought I was healed and ready for "the one" if he should enter and I do believe I am emotionally ready, however in dating the Artist I realized I do really need to focus on my career and get my financial house in order prior to being in a serious relationship with someone who is new. So I am committed to working on those areas.

That said, my child-free weekend at the end of April was a mix bag. I had one AMAZING day with the Agent! He deeply values every effort I make and is the ice scrapper hands down. We have discussed politics a few times over the past month and the conversation has been engaging but not life altering..... then I spent the evening and all the next day at an amazing hotel and spa all his gift to me for the hard work I do as a mother. Yes I melted since as a solo mama I often feel under appreciated for all the parenting work I put in. Then late that afternoon after leaving the spa I jumped on a flight and met up with the Artist ----- who worked all night and I barely got to see then at 1AM when he wrapped working he called and we grabbed drinks with the film crew then went to chat and that chat was soooooo disappointing. More about this to come in private.....

All in all I decided that the Artist and I just are not worth my effort at this time. He is not really getting it and thinks he just needs some time to get other areas in his life together but Butterfly is right the Artist is "not gonna step up and make me the center of his world and he's not nearly as established as what I would need from the 1 and only in my life."

So I am still in a relationship? with the Agent (if you all remember how that relationship came to be you understand the ?) and in many ways I am happy for now....... do I envision wedding bells honestly no - but I do envision us having a healthy in the mean time relationship and if it builds to something more I am open to that. One thing I LOVE about him is I can be 100% honest so the areas I am concerned about can be addressed ----- he is willing to put in the work, I just have to be willing to voice it.

Originally Posted by Holland73

I make mine using Oprah's O Dream Board: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/O-Dream-...ur-Best-LifeTM It is all digital, using FREE dowloadable Adobe software. Then, I just print it out on my color printer, as mine is constantly evolving and changing.

I have used a traditional cork board but LOVE the O Dream Board concept ---- thank for sharing this Holland!

[LoveOhm]

I will respond to everyone in the next couple days...... I have just been slammed with finals!

[estrella]

I'm so glad that this forum exists. I used to come on and read it for inspiration for dating, but I just wasn't ready to do it myself at the time.

Well, I finally joined match.com 9 days ago, and it's a little overwhelming. Here I am reading about you all discussing what qualities you would or wouldn't allow into your lives, and I am not sure how to respond to a wink or even if I want to email some of these men that are profuse in their compliments.

I know the dynamics of how this whole thing works. You email, then maybe you have some phone calls, then maybe you meet a few times for short coffee dates, then maybe it will continue on...

My conundrum is how in the heck am I supposed to find time for all that? I've realized that I am happy in my day-to-day single mom life, but the times I want company are at night when my kids are in bed sleeping. Well, it's going to take me a LONG time before I'll let some man come into my house especially at night with my kids home.

So, I know this isn't that exciting, but at least I'm here. At least I'm finally taking proactive steps to meet somebody. I am going to be very discerning and slow-moving. Thanks for providing the space for me to share. I love this forum.

[Labbemama]

Jumping in here.

I am seeing someone.

It was totally unexpected.

How is it different, well, for one thing he has good manners and is protective of me. As opposed to ex partner who was abusive and is out to hurt me anyway he can.

As for calling the shots...basically I've told him let's just play this by ear and see where it goes.

A lot of our dates include playing pool and so I am literally learning how to call the shots. He is a gentle and patient teacher and that's another thing I like about him.

I've also told him that I am just as happy to just hang out at home, good grief I was married for about 100 years to a homebody so going out as much as we have is a real refreshing change. I was delighted to just sit on the sofa, snuggle and watch star trek. LOL.

After a hard day yesterday I went to see him, spent about an hour talking, got a hug and went home again. He's busting his butt to pay off a debt, which is another thing I like, and I know he's telling the truth cuz when I went over to see him you could tell he was dog tired from a day of hard work. I need a man as ambitious as I am.

We are about at the point where I'd like to have a talk about defining our relationship but I'm holding back.

I thought he was trying to let me down easy the other night because we both have some things that might keep us apart, but no, that is not the case. He was just being up front with me and he told me not to worry and of course he has me pegged as someone who worries too much. LOL.

Anyhow, I hope it lasts for awhile because it makes me feel good and I'm going thru so much it's nice to get a hug and a kiss on a rough day.

My kids have been giving me a hard time about going out so much and seeing him. My son likes being the man of the house and can't fathom his mama has needs too. So anyhow, we have some adjusting to go thru. I told them if they didn't quit complaining we'd go out every night for a week straight.

Another thing I like was when my kids were balking about going out, he took a moment to explain they needed to respect me, he'd take good care of me, I needed a break and he'd bring me back safe and sound. He was concerned, but I told the kids I had my cell on and they did not call to disturb us. (I was like 10 minutes away if all hell broke loose with them). Like I told him they would balk about me seeing anyone, it's not him, with the PTSD we all have they just are right up my you know what ALL The time to feel safe and it's going to take some getting used to.

I told my snarky oldest dd who is never satisfied with anything I do that we can set up an e-harmony act and she can pick a guy for me to go out with and we'll see whose picker is better. She told me my picker is broken, but there are some things that tell me that I'm picking a different kind of guy now than I did when I got married.