Taking Our Power Back. Right Now. *~*'~* May Dating Thread *~*'~* - Page 2

[Butterflymom]

Yes I've started dating older, more establishes men. Do I pick dates by examining their net worth & picking the richest? Of course not. I just find that the career mentoring & networking help is really useful, and I've definitely enjoyed the other perks as well. But otherwise, the issues remain the same. And I'm not willing to compromise on important character & personality traits just because the guy is wealthy.

DutchGuy & I have had a rough day. He is suggesting that this is getting complicated, and I should end it, so that may be what I do. Ironically, asking for a small spot of financial assistance was the trigger. He feels uncomfortable with it, and given mmany, many details surrounding this relationship & the realities that I won't post here, his discomfort and even the fact that he didn't offer & I needed to request in the first place shows how non-thoughtful & non-generous he is.

[SamiPolizzi]

I've been lurking in these threads for quite a while, but never posted. It seems like this is the perfect month for me to start, as I am FINALLY taking charge of my dating life. I'll be back when I'm not chasing a toddler around!

[Butterflymom]

DutchGuy...

....promises to resurface in a couple of days. That was 3+ days ago.

I'm done, & I'm out. Unless he wants to step up with that business funding/personal loan I've mentioned, then -snip snip.- Done. I can't believe I had feelings for months over a guy who is married, loaded, and isn't sharing. I just don't get that. You watch the single mother who inspires feelings of love and passion in you that you've never experienced before (supposedly), and you watch her struggle in a foreign country with every disadvantage stacked against her, including over a year of unemployment and near destitution, and you sit there on your humongous fortune and never so much as offer a friendly loan or anything?

Talk about non-generous. Even if he steps up and comes through with that small amount that I mentioned (I had phrased it as a loan), I'm still pretty much over it. It's the principle. Why wouldn't he have offered? Non-generous, stingy, self-absorbed person. I have never in my life cared about someone, seen some way in which I could do for them, and not offered. I'm just that kind of friend, let alone romantic interest.

Done.

I am juggling text/phone conversations with about 5-7 other men to gauge compatibility, etc. I'm gonna keep ya'll posted.

[ilanaRose]

...

butterflymom: unfortunately money can ruin things, especially asking for it....this is true for friendships, relationships, etc. but you probably already know this. Yes, it it is unfortunate that he never made an offer, but atleast you have your answers and can move forward from here...there are too many things that are not working for the guy, from being married, to not offering when you are obviously struggling...but in the end, getting your finances in order by yourself will make you feel all the more empowered, and this month is all about taking our power back

[Subhuti]

popping in to say .. Butterflymom ... )i know you from another thread ... still follow your story) .... and married men NEVER share. And I think the figure is like 97% never divorce their wives...

so you're doing the right thing by saying adios to Mr. Dutch Man!


Liz

[Butterflymom]

You guys are so right. Good thing I wasn't counting on him in any way, and I'm 100% working on my life myself.
But man, he has been a time suck and energy suck and

Dammit

no more free rides!!!!

[SamiPolizzi]

Alright, Ladies. Here's my story (if my kiddo stays occupied long enough for me to type it all.) It's a year and a half long story, so I'm going to try to condense it down to the cliffs notes version.

I met Video Guy in October of 2008. He asked me out. We went to dinner and then back to my apartment for a movie. It was at that point that I felt I should tell him I was 4 months pregnant. He then proceeded to tell me the whole story about how his girlfriend got pregnant when he was 18 and they had a daughter, but she was born really premature and ended up dying. I thought I would never see him again once I told him I was pregnant, but we ended up seeing each other for the next 3 months. Then he decided it was too weird to be dating a pregnant lady, which I totally would have understood if he ever told me. Instead he just stopped returning my calls.
More time went by. I gave birth. About a month later we started seeing each other again. He lived in the city and I'm in the burbs, so he ended up staying over a lot when he came out here to see me. Then his lease ended and he sort of just didn't bother finding a new place right away. So some how we ended up living together. I kept tell him he needed to get an apartment because I didn't want him living here. So finally he did in October of last year (his lease had ended in May.) Then in the last few months I started realizing this probably isn't going anywhere. I asked him where he thought it was going and he said "can't we just take it one day at a time?" which I'm just not okay with anymore. I have a kid to think about who likes this guy and is used to having him around and I can't let him get any more attached not know when this guy is just going to be gone. I told him that at this point in my life and in the situation I'm in, I can't be dating someone for this long if there's not even a chance I'm going to marry him. And that's kind of where we're at. He doesn't even want to stay in Illinois and I'm never leaving because this is where my family is. So there's obviously no chance of this going anywhere, and he said he understood where I was coming from, but I don't think he really does. Anyway, I broke up with him (for real this time!) last week. It's taken me a long time to do, and I'm not particularly happy about it, but I guess it was just time. I'm pretty lonely now.

I'm probably not going to be dating for a while. I just can't imagine where I would meet anyone. It's a miracle enough that I found a guy close to my age (I'm 21, he's 23) who wanted kids and was okay with dating someone who has one. I don't expect it to happen again anytime soon.

[muse]

mamas, for those of you who do online dating, how do you describe your marital/parenting status?

previously i had "currently separated, divorce in process". well that's been true for 2 yrs and the only reason the divorce isn't final is because we can't afford the legal fees right now. is it wrong to say "divorced" at this point?

i also now share custody 50/50, should i say something about that? give my kids ages? i checked out other single mom profiles and a lot have photos of their kids. do you do that? feels funny to me, but it's also such an important part of myself. after my last experiences i wonder if i need to be much more straightforward about the reality of my situation..?

i know when i see single dad profiles it feels really weird to me if they don't mention their kids, and photos of them with their kids help me get good sense of them.

and yes, all this means i think i'm ready to be back in the game...

[ilanaRose]

Sami, it's good you broke it off... I know that feeling...it just happened to me with a wonderful guy I was dating that was suddenly feeling "unsure" if he wanted to be a dad and take the relationship to the next level...he basically wanted me to just wait around and remain exclusive while he was concurrently looking at new profiles online and thinking about what he wanted to do...i think he was basically looking for someone like me, without a kid, and he didn't want to break up because he knows I'm an amazing woman and is scared he won't be able to find someone like me again -- he won't, by the way But, I broke it off, because like you, as a single mom we need an extra dose of commitment.

First, we need to be completely self-sufficient ourselves and have our money, education, and confidence in order... second, we need a man who can step up to the plate and isn't scared of responsibility; anything less than that, won't work for me

[eewieew]

Howdy!

God, I haven't been on this thread in MONTHS! Not that I haven't thought about you guys, but life, and stuff, and...you get the picture.

I've been dating a really nice guy since December. He's really....nice. Comfortable. Stable. Reliable. I'm breaking it off with him tomorrow, and I feel really good about it. I'm not going to settle for anything less than knock-my-socks-off, and right now having a bf is at the absolute bottom on my list of priorities. The list goes: dd, self, work, friends. At times the order flips around a bit, but you all can get the idea.

What I've realized after being single as long as I have, and then being in a relationship is that I really prefer being single. I've been having this love affair with myself that I'm simply not ready to give up yet, unless something amazing plops itself right in front of my face, and it certainly hasn't.

I DO have some very interesting men in my life that could prove to be pretty solid contenders on certain levels, but it's just not that important to me right now. I've still got so much work to do, and I'm eager to get to it with as little interference as possible.

I hope that, other than the issues in your romantic lives, that you all are finding good fortune on other levels, and loving yourselves the way that you deserve. Best to all!

[timbbey]

Well said, I would love to have a healthy relationship, but I am not confident or thin enough or happy enough to bring someone into my messy world. I do hope though for someday.

[Devaya]

I really needed to read this thread today...I've been thinking exactly along these lines lately and so glad to hear I am not alone - I have a big, big pattern of jumping in the deep end with a guy and then waking up years later in a crappy relationship... I don't know how to play it cool, my feelings are so BIG, and until recently (funnily enough, until I was a single mom - don't know if its a coindedance!) I never had a problem with a guy returning my feelings and wanting the same level of involvement and commitment that I did. Things have changed, so I need to adapt now. Scary stuff! But really great to hear what you all have to say. Love the idea of being proactive and knowing what I want from the start..I think first of all I must instate a three date rule or something 'before intimacy', because I think that would give me a bit of time to suss the guy out...but how the hell do you have 'relationship talks' right at the start like that without scaring them off???

By the way, love the vision board idea - a friend suggested it already as I have been making specific lists of what I want...I'd forgotten to put 'able to commit' in my previous list, so the last guy I was involved with ticked every box except that one! I do believe in this manifestation stuff...I'm getting closer to what I want...I never used to be able to attract guys who weren't into some kind of party lifestyle and addictions, whereas this guy hadn't drunk a drop for 14 years. Checking out the Oprah vision board thing now!

[sugarmoon]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

You guys are so right. Good thing I wasn't counting on him in any way, and I'm 100% working on my life myself.
But man, he has been a time suck and energy suck and

Dammit

no more free rides!!!!

I'll drink to that!

Originally Posted by SamiPolizzi

I'm probably not going to be dating for a while. I just can't imagine where I would meet anyone. It's a miracle enough that I found a guy close to my age (I'm 21, he's 23) who wanted kids and was okay with dating someone who has one. I don't expect it to happen again anytime soon.

Thanks for joining us! I'm struggling with this exact sentiment, right now. And my impulse is to say "oh, honey, don't sell yourself short. There are plenty of guys out there who won't be put off by a child...". But you know, I feel the same way as you do, so that would be pretty insincere to say (although at the same time, I do believe it, if that makes any sense at all!). I'm older than you (33), but I have 4 kids. And I have very little hope that I'll meet someone (you know, someone I actually WANT to be with) who wants to become a step father to 4 kids. I go back and forth in how much peace I have with that.

Originally Posted by muse

mamas, for those of you who do online dating, how do you describe your marital/parenting status?

previously i had "currently separated, divorce in process". well that's been true for 2 yrs and the only reason the divorce isn't final is because we can't afford the legal fees right now. is it wrong to say "divorced" at this point?

i also now share custody 50/50, should i say something about that? give my kids ages? i checked out other single mom profiles and a lot have photos of their kids. do you do that? feels funny to me, but it's also such an important part of myself. after my last experiences i wonder if i need to be much more straightforward about the reality of my situation..?

i know when i see single dad profiles it feels really weird to me if they don't mention their kids, and photos of them with their kids help me get good sense of them.

and yes, all this means i think i'm ready to be back in the game...

(((((muse)))))), glad you're back in the game. I mention that I have kids, but that is about it. I definitely don't put up pictures of them, and I find it off-putting when men have pics of kids (even other ppls kids) in their profiles, unless the child is shown in a discreet, non-face kind of way -- just seems yucky to me. It is interesting to hear your perspective though, put it in a new light for me, so thanks. I think that is the tricky thing about online profiles -- we make so many assumptions about someone based on such bizarre criteria.

I think you can just put that you are divorced, and then explain later -- when I see one that says "separated", I assume that means recent, and I avoid recent separations like the plague.

Originally Posted by eewieew

God, I haven't been on this thread in MONTHS! Not that I haven't thought about you guys, but life, and stuff, and...you get the picture.

I've been dating a really nice guy since December. He's really....nice. Comfortable. Stable. Reliable. I'm breaking it off with him tomorrow, and I feel really good about it. I'm not going to settle for anything less than knock-my-socks-off, and right now having a bf is at the absolute bottom on my list of priorities. The list goes: dd, self, work, friends. At times the order flips around a bit, but you all can get the idea.

What I've realized after being single as long as I have, and then being in a relationship is that I really prefer being single. I've been having this love affair with myself that I'm simply not ready to give up yet, unless something amazing plops itself right in front of my face, and it certainly hasn't.

I DO have some very interesting men in my life that could prove to be pretty solid contenders on certain levels, but it's just not that important to me right now. I've still got so much work to do, and I'm eager to get to it with as little interference as possible.

I hope that, other than the issues in your romantic lives, that you all are finding good fortune on other levels, and loving yourselves the way that you deserve. Best to all!

I love the love affair with yourself. I'm having one too. At the same time, there are times, like last night, when I'm having a perfect time with my kids, but there is this little sliver in this mind of 'but it would be so much better if someone were here to enjoy it with me'.

Did you end the relationship? How did it go? Update?

Originally Posted by timbbey

Well said, I would love to have a healthy relationship, but I am not confident or thin enough or happy enough to bring someone into my messy world. I do hope though for someday.

Hon, don't say you aren't thin enough. Please. Work on the confidence, develop a love affair with yourself, and jump in when you're ready.

Originally Posted by Devaya

I don't know how to play it cool, my feelings are so BIG, and until recently (funnily enough, until I was a single mom - don't know if its a coindedance!) I never had a problem with a guy returning my feelings and wanting the same level of involvement and commitment that I did.

See, I have kind of the opposite problem. I was the queen of play it cool before I was married (although, granted, it was mostly due to extreme insecurity and belief that there was NO way that anyone would be into me, and I never wanted to risk rejection, so I kept my cards waaaaaaaaaaaay close to my heart), and now I am really just so much more open. I am working on finding the middle ground, although, mostly I do feel good about how I have acted in relationships in that regard.

Little update from me: ATG and I are still doing the friends thing, although I'm starting to question myself about if it is truly in my best interest to continue. It is still a little stingy, you know? PhotoGuy and I are...hmm...not sure. He is very on the up and up about not being "relationship material", and I agreed that I was really fine with a 1-2x a week casual dating thing, which is true, but again, I'm realizing it is only true to some extent -- if he is not "relationship material" with *me*, but is continuing to seek a "real" relationship, then I don't want to sit around while that goes on. At this point (most of this week), I've been ignoring him, waiting to see what he'll do.

And I went on a hike-date last Sunday with a 3rd guy, who I won't bother to name, since, although we had a decent time, there were no major sparks, and he emailed me later to say that it 'didn't seem romantic' to him, although he'd be into being friends. I've been surprised by how much that stung.

All of that is to say that at this point, I'm deciding to stop actively seeking men, and work on my love affair with myself (I've been losing weight, started running, I'm up to being able to run 20 min at a time, focusing on my career goals), and let life happen. If PG sticks around, I'll still do that, as being politically active is part of a healthy life, imo, and he is GREAT for that.

Also, I am 99% sure I'm quitting my job on Monday. I'm at a bit of a crossroads!

[kavamamakava]

Originally Posted by Devaya

By the way, love the vision board idea - a friend suggested it already as I have been making specific lists of what I want...I'd forgotten to put 'able to commit' in my previous list, so the last guy I was involved with ticked every box except that one!

I just had that same problem! I had a list of 50 things I wrote years ago on a whim and I found it and read it and liked it. Shortly after I had found the list I started seeing a man and was totally wrapped up in him and realized all but two things on my list fit the guy. I had never been intimately involved with a man who had so much of what I wanted in a man. And those two things are why it didn't work out between us.

[muse]

Originally Posted by sugarmoon

(((((muse)))))), glad you're back in the game...
I think you can just put that you are divorced, and then explain later -- when I see one that says "separated", I assume that means recent, and I avoid recent separations like the plague.

suagrmoon, thanks for this. my profile is now up and active and within a few hrs got a few interesting winks and emails. but i'm totally overwhelmed by it and remember now how much i hate this process.
i hate ignoring people but i hate also spending time writing polite thanks but no thanks emails to complete strangers..

there are just sooooo many unknowns. and then when you know, you know. chicago guy was the only man online who ever did a thing for me (his profile i mean) and then when he contacted me the connection was instantaneous. but then that all fell apart (he's still texting & we tried to talk last week but it feels hopeless), so what do i know? maybe those instantaneous connections aren't the thing that is sustainable.

or maybe my heart is just too borken right now for this. i'll have to see. just got the divorce papers in the mail. and that really stings, even though i'm the one who initiated it, since it's only in the last few weeks that there has been some peace between ex h and i and he has said some really sweet loving things...

sugarmoon everything you're going through with those 3 different guys just reminds me how complicated it can get, trying to find the right balance, and then how much it can sting when we experience any kind of rejection, even if we feel it mutually...boy, what we go through ON TOP of it being enoguh to be a single parent. i love that you are focusing on your SELF.

i think i've hit a wall as a single working mama right now and i just don't know if dating will help bring some balance or tip things the other way. still i think it's important to be putting myself out there, if only to try and separate from this last relationship...

day by day, moment by moment.

[danaalex]

hi! i'm jumping in here though i'm not dating anyone and i have no idea if i will be in the near future. i'm separated, not divorced yet. in my state you have to do one year before you can file for divorce. so, i'm in the process now.

i guess i'm here mainly to learn and to ask some questions. like, why do some of you not date men with children?

i'm reading the book men are from mars and it has really helped me realize a lot of myself and men as well. i am reading mars and venus on a date as well. i like it and recommend it.

right now, i'm ok being alone but i do get lonely. at night especially, and on weekends too. all of my friends are married. maybe not all happily, but they are all married. i don't have any single female friends at all. at this point, i would love to have someone to talk to or maybe do dinner and a movie, but it wouldn't even have to be a date or romantic type situation at all. just a night out. i did reconnect with some old male friends from high school and college via facebook and it was really nice having them to talk with from time to time. i haven't seen any of them though. they all live too far away.

so, i'll keep reading for suggestions/ advice :-)

[muse]

Originally Posted by danaalex

at this point, i would love to have someone to talk to or maybe do dinner and a movie, but it wouldn't even have to be a date or romantic type situation at all. just a night out.

yes! i hung out last night with a male friend who was visiting from out of town, we had drinks, talked for hrs, laughed, had a great time, and i remembered i really just miss hanging out with *men*, whether it's romantic or not. good to find ways to keep that up..

came home to a text from Chicago Guy asking that we talk.
i'm wondering if he saw me back on match.com or maybe somehow sensed i was out witha guy!?

i'm home sick today (dental pain) and a male colleague of mine has been texting sweet messages from work and i'm realising my suspicion is probably right that he's flirting..he is 11 yrs younger than me! sweet sweet sweet guy, very beautiful, great musician, but this feels a little awkward..i dropped my kids/singlemom status into conversation once to test him out and it doesn't seemed to have scared him off.

i realise now that i must be putting really mixed messages out into the universe, i seem to be attracting guys but not quite the right ones, or i don't know what to do with it when it comes along..