Would you let your kid stay the night with someone you barely know?

[ICU2]

My grandma has been bugging me about this and I want to say no. Am I being unreasonable?

My sister has a 10 yo dd. My oldest dd is 9. I don't like them hanging out very much because of past behavior issues of my niece. My dd has been homeschooled since starting school. My niece was pulled out of school this spring and her father (who my sister hasn't been with as a couple since before my niece was born) has been homeschooling her.

My niece's dad keeps asking my grandma if I will let my dd spend the night over at his house with my niece. He wants her to still feel like she can have friends over for those type of activities even if she's not seeing the kids on a daily basis. I don't care for the idea because 1) I don't know him well at all except to say "hi" or "bye" when he drops my niece off. I did talk to him about homeschooling stuff before my niece was pulled out of school, but that was a 30 minute - 1 hour conversation and the only lengthly conversation I've had with him in 10 years! 2) My niece has past behaviors of lying and deliberately hurting my dd's feelings (among other stuff, anything that they might get in trouble for somehow is always placed squarely on my dd). 3) I have no idea what the home enviroment is like over there (if he has guns, etc. in the home).

My grandma acts like it is no big deal but I feel weird about it. I've said no in the past because of our activity schedule, but now our Scouts and sports will be ending until fall and I know they will be asking again! Would you feel comfortable with that situation?

[ChristinaLucia]

There is no way I would allow that! I would just say that I was not comfortable with it and sorry.

[Addy's Mom]

Nope. I wouldn't allow it.

[lolar2]

No way.

[jeanine123]

Absolutely not.

[texmati]

no way. I might make an effort to get to know the neice and dad though.

[mamatoablessing]

Could you maybe ask niece to spend the night at your house instead? that way you can monitor the behavior, niece gets kid interaction and your DD isn't around some man she doesn't know.

[noobmom]

No way. Personally, I think it's creepy that your niece's father is asking your grandmother about it at all. Why wouldn't he ask you directly?

I'm sorry, maybe I'm paranoid, but I would NEVER let my daughter stay in a house with a man (or woman for that matter, but particularly a man) overnight that I barely know, relation or not. Heck, I wouldn't allow it for an hour.

The fact that you don't like your DD hanging out with your niece is just icing on the cake of no! LOL

If you really want to make an effort in this relationship, invite your niece over for a sleepover.

[Alyantavid]

Nope.

[JessicaS]

I would make an effort to get to know your BIL better. Maybe y'all should have some dinners together or something.

Are you and your sister not close? Don't y'all do things together?

[newbiemama09]

nope nope nope nope. i would tell grandma very matter-of-factly that i don't feel comfortable letting my kids spend the night with someone i don't know and end the discussion. she might press you on it, but keep saying no.

[AutumnAir]

No way. Though I might make the effort to get to know BIL and niece and then re-evaluate in a few months' time. But as the situation stands? NOPE, nope, nopety-nope!

[ICU2]

I know I can be over-protective at times so I'm glad to see that it's just not me!

My dd and niece did have sleep-overs every month or two until about 3 years ago. A couple of things broke the camels back, so to speak.

1) They spent the night with my sister and a male friend of my sister called. My dd likes talking on the phone to anyone just to say "hi" (unless you know her, then you get her whole life story! ). My dd had the phone and my niece was telling her to tell this man that he was sexy, she liked him, etc. My niece said things like that too, and when the guy told my sister my niece blamed it all on my daughter. Her mom believed her even though she has a history of lying A LOT. My dd was just 6, homeschooled, didn't watch adult TV, and I didn't let her listen to music like that. OTOH my niece was public schooled and had come home saying stuff like that because she had learned it from older boys talking at school. She also watched more mature TV and heard more mature music because she had teenage siblings. I asked my dd if she knew what sexy meant and she was totally clueless. She was like, "I don't know, I thought it sounded weird but she told me to say it." Yeah, we had quite a conversation about repeating what others said after THAT.

2) The last time my niece "asked" my dd to spend the night, it went like this: My niece told my dd that she was going to have a sleepover and asked if dd would like to come. She described the games they would play, what they would eat, where they would sleep, and what else they would do. My dd was getting really excited, and then my niece ended it with, "And you're not invited!" Crash, burn, destroyed feelings.

We have tried to invite my niece to do stuff with us but it usually ends badly because she expects to be coddled and allowed to lie or say whatever she wants and I don't put up with it. I will say something like, "Now niece, I don't think that is true" and she has a fit and pouts the entire rest of the time. I'll admit that it's too draining for me to do on a regular basis!

[Lucy Alden]

Not on your life. Especially after reading your second post.

[ebethmom]

No way. I think you are wise to keep your dd away from your not-so-nice niece.

[meemee]

well i am going to neither say yes and no.

this niece is family. she has all that 'teenage' knowledge rightfully so as u said because of older siblings.

right out of the blue i would not allow a sleepover.

however i would want to foster that relationship. i dont have a problem of that language being used in front of my dd (so perhaps that's my perspective)... but the things you are talking about happened some time ago. what matters to me not that the child knows sexy, or hannah montana or says she cant come. its more about teh person she is. my dd goes to school and you'd be surprised what the other kids in her class knows. some of that my dd knows too and some of the things she is totally impervious to.

i would definitely try to foster some kind of relationship. hang out together.

however the key element to check out is how your dd feels about this. your dd is 9. amply old enough to have a say in this matter. if she says she wants to give it a try, do some park playdates together, or something like that and then do a sleepover i would be ok with that.

my dd is in second grade. she has had sleepovers with parents i dont know v. well. we have done a couple of playdates and then my dd went and spent the night and had a ball.

however i would definitely take your dd's input into this whole situation and even if you feel a big 'no', if your dd wants to try foster a relationship i would go ahead and try a few playdates and then see how you and your dd feels.

but right now no way would i say an absolute no right away.

[MeepyCat]

Originally Posted by noobmom

No way. Personally, I think it's creepy that your niece's father is asking your grandmother about it at all. Why wouldn't he ask you directly?

So, first, we've got this guy who seems a tad vague on who he should talk to about your child. What other issues of boundaries and authority is he vague on?

And then, with your second post, we've got the fact that your niece has been cruel to your DD in the past and they don't seem to actually get on all that well. Would a sleepover even be fun?

I agree that it might be worthwhile to make some effort to get to know these people better, but as things are at the moment, I wouldn't agree to a sleepover.

[corysmilk]

no, ugg if I had to I would have her over for a sleepover. with dad on call if she breaks any of your rules. like, ok its time to go home now, because of .................

my kids rarely have sleepovers, unless its cause we are visiting relatives, or they are at there dads or my house depending on the child.

[eepster]

I wonder if part of the reason they decided to start having niece HS with dad was b/c of the behavioral issues you are describing. Though I think it is premature to agree to a sleep-over, maybe you could try to get to know the dad better this summer and see if his effort at HS has had a positive effect on niece's attitude/behavior.

Maybe plan some field trips together. After a while if things are going well, try a camp out with both children's parents around, so you or her dad are there to help your DD out with any problems that arise, and niece's dad is there to deal with any discipline if needed.

If after a while of getting to know if you can trust the dad and you've seen whether your niece has mellowed, then you can revisit the sleepover question.

[Linda on the move]

1. My 11 year old, who is a sweet kid who attends public school, makes her own choices about sleep overs. She's knows the kids and I don't, and I trust her opinion. So *yes*, I do allow sleepovers with people I barely know.

2. There's a big difference between *barely* knowing someone (like another mom from my DD's class) and knowing some one well enough to see a bunch of red flags, such as your situation. My DD wouldn't want to do a sleepover with your niece anyway. She's mean.

And I know it's sexist, but I don't like sleepovers where there are men and boys. One of DDs friends has an older brother, and the girls do sleepovers here, not there. I won't be comfortable with a sleepover with a single dad. I just wouldn't. I know it's sexist, but that's just how I feel. I also send DD with a cell phone and let her know that she can call me at anytime to come get her if she quits having fun, get's scared, the kids get out of control, etc.

I'd level with grandma and make it clear that it wasn't going to happen and the conversation was over.