Would you let your kid stay the night with someone you barely know? - Page 2

[Mountaingirl79]

No, that just sounds all wrong....

[ICU2]

Snipped:

Originally Posted by meemee

however i would want to foster that relationship. i dont have a problem of that language being used in front of my dd (so perhaps that's my perspective)... but the things you are talking about happened some time ago. what matters to me not that the child knows sexy, or hannah montana or says she cant come. its more about teh person she is. my dd goes to school and you'd be surprised what the other kids in her class knows. some of that my dd knows too and some of the things she is totally impervious to.

Those things did happen awhile ago. This is an ongoing pattern of behavior, though. I was simply giving those two examples of why they used to hang out more and have sleepovers (not at niece's dad's house) but they don't anymore.

Knowing the word sexy wasn't what bothered me so much. It was more how she told my daughter to say it to a grown man. I may be cautious on this because of a history of sexual abuse in my family. I also didn't like the way my sister handled the situation, but that is a problem between her and I.

My niece and dd do see each other at family gatherings and they are both involved in a club that meets once a month. I don't mind them hanging out so much where there are activities and supervision. Sometimes my dd plays with her, sometimes not. My dd is the kind of kid that feels bad if another kid is left out, or playing by themselves, so she plays with kids sometimes that she really doesn't want to so they don't feel bad. This caused a lot of problems for her in preschool as she got bullied by one girl who would act sad to get my dd to play with her and then turn around and hit, kick, or say mean things to her. At that time we worked on saying things like, "I don't like to play when you treat me like that" and I assured her it was perfectly fine to walk away from a bullying situation. I think the line gets blurred here though because family members kind of push them together and so I think dd sometimes feels she HAS to play. If I say, "Hey, we are taking niece here with us" she's okay with it, but if I ask, "Who would you like to go with us?" it's always someone else. I have given her dad a list of activities we do around town to go with our homeschooling but so far we haven't seen them at any events.

If they do ask again I am just going to say that I don't feel comfortable with it and leave it at that. Perhaps something like, "I don't know that we'd feel comfortable having her stay overnight, but what if we all went to the park?"

[velochic]

Originally Posted by meemee

however i would want to foster that relationship.

I would actually say exactly the opposite. There are enough things known that I would want nothing more to do with these family members. I don't care if they are family (and I have a STRONG sense of family). At some point it's more about protecting your own child than worrying about having a relationship with others in your family to keep peace.

I would not allow the sleepover.

[mamabearsoblessed]

No way.
A simple "No" is all you need to provide as her Mom.
I stopped feeling apologetic years ago for my 'overprotectiveness', when it comes down to it, nothing else matters but my dc safety~ not how 'crazy' I appear and not how 'unreasonable' either.

Eventually they'll stop asking if you stick to your guns and say 'no' enough.

[mtiger]

Like some others, I've allowed my kids to sleep over at houses where I don't know the parents well. In this case, I might see if Grandma would host a sleepover.

And slightly O/T... I can understand being somewhat leery of allowing a daughter to sleep over where there is only a single adult male supervising. But... when it comes to siblings, I do draw the line. I have been in the situation where a parent told me that her daughter could only sleep over if my son left the house. The girls were 8ish, he was ~10. Well... I told them sorry, but that wasn't going to happen. I refuse to banish one of my children to satisfy the paranoia of a stranger. Just another way of looking at that request.

[cappuccinosmom]

Absolutely not.

And definitely not in this situation.

Red flags all over the place.


Now, nothing wrong with getting to know the neice in other circumstances. But having overnight sleepovers is not the only way to be her friend. If the dad continues to insist that it is, that would be my sign to tell him "Never". Something a little off about his behavior, for sure.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by ICU2

If they do ask again I am just going to say that I don't feel comfortable with it and leave it at that. Perhaps something like, "I don't know that we'd feel comfortable having her stay overnight, but what if we all went to the park?"

I think that if you were really clear on your "no" rather than making an excuse, it might prevent this question from being an on-going one.

[Caneel]

Another no voter here!

OP - what you describes sounds very similar to the relationship I had with a slightly older cousin on my bio-father's side of the family. I was forced to do the sleepovers, hated every minute of them.

[meemee]

does your dd want to go over for a sleepover? have you mentioned that to her? or you dont really want to.

because the key deciding factor would be my child's opinion. even with a well trusted friend. if she said no then i'd say no too.

[gbailey]

Absolutely not and I wouldn't be in the least bit concerned about hurting anyone's feelings either.

[Heavenly]

Originally Posted by MeepyCat

So, first, we've got this guy who seems a tad vague on who he should talk to about your child. What other issues of boundaries and authority is he vague on?
And then, with your second post, we've got the fact that your niece has been cruel to your DD in the past and they don't seem to actually get on all that well. Would a sleepover even be fun?

I agree that it might be worthwhile to make some effort to get to know these people better, but as things are at the moment, I wouldn't agree to a sleepover.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow. That is just...wrong. First of all he is not "this guy." If someone were writing about one of the moms on here and said, "this chick" that would be considered very rude. He is her neice's father. And because neice's father is a bit nervous about asking directly and mentioned it to the grandmother that means he might have "boundary issues" and potentially be a molester or something??? There is no evidence at all in anything the OP has said that would even begin to suggest that there is anything remotely off about this father. He seems to be a good dad, wanting to pull his daughter out of a school environment that wasn't working and homeschool her, who wants to make sure she still has adequate social contacts and doesn't feel like she has lost anything by homeschool. Goodness, it sounds like any homeschooling mom on here. So because he's a dad that must mean there is something wrong? That is completely sexist. I have been known to ask people to ask a common acquaintance in situations like this because I get nervous socially. There is nothing wrong with that. The issues with the neice are another issue but I do want to say that all kids have times when they act less than stellar. It isn't a reason to end the relationship.

[Heavenly]

Originally Posted by velochic

I would actually say exactly the opposite. There are enough things known that I would want nothing more to do with these family members. I don't care if they are family (and I have a STRONG sense of family). At some point it's more about protecting your own child than worrying about having a relationship with others in your family to keep peace.

I would not allow the sleepover.

Don't you think that is a little over the top? Yes, there have been some incidences where the neice has been hurtful but she is a child and you can work with the family to allow a friendship between the girls. It doesn't seem to me that you feel a STRONG sense of family if you would be willing to cut a little girl out of your lives so easily.

[Heavenly]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

Absolutely not.

And definitely not in this situation.

Red flags all over the place.


Now, nothing wrong with getting to know the neice in other circumstances. But having overnight sleepovers is not the only way to be her friend. If the dad continues to insist that it is, that would be my sign to tell him "Never". Something a little off about his behavior, for sure.

Where are you getting this??? Am I reading the same thing? I am seriously confused! What red flags? Where are the red flags? Who has said the dad has insisted on anything?? He asked. Is asking to get children together a sign of a predator now? There is absolutely NOTHING off about this father's behaviour. This whole thread makes me so incredibly sad as the mother of a son. This type of attitude is sexist beyond all understanding.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by ICU2

A couple of things broke the camels back, so to speak.

1) They spent the night with my sister and a male friend of my sister called. My dd likes talking on the phone to anyone just to say "hi" (unless you know her, then you get her whole life story! ). My dd had the phone and my niece was telling her to tell this man that he was sexy, she liked him, etc. My niece said things like that too, and when the guy told my sister my niece blamed it all on my daughter. Her mom believed her even though she has a history of lying A LOT.

2) The last time my niece "asked" my dd to spend the night, it went like this: My niece told my dd that she was going to have a sleepover and asked if dd would like to come. She described the games they would play, what they would eat, where they would sleep, and what else they would do. My dd was getting really excited, and then my niece ended it with, "And you're not invited!" Crash, burn, destroyed feelings.

We have tried to invite my niece to do stuff with us but it usually ends badly because she expects to be coddled and allowed to lie or say whatever she wants and I don't put up with it. I will say something like, "Now niece, I don't think that is true" and she has a fit and pouts the entire rest of the time. I'll admit that it's too draining for me to do on a regular basis!

Originally Posted by Heavenly

Don't you think that is a little over the tip? Yes, there have been some incidences where the neice has been hurtful but she is a child and you can work with the family to allow a friendship between the girls. It doesn't seem to me that you feel a STRONG sense of family if you would be willing to cut a little girl out of your lives so easily.

Based on the above, no.

It doesn't sound like there are strong family ties (the little girl lives with the father, who is no longer married to the OP's sister) where the OP can "work" with the child to significantly improve her behavior and there are only occasional interactions that always end poorly, with the OP's dd being the victim. There are some situations where a person can *really* make a difference in a child's life and if that were the case, I might risk it... if my child didn't have to be involved and get hurt in the process. However, my job first and foremost is to protect my own child and, while you may disagree with me, that means protecting her from these situations. Perhaps you have misunderstood what "strong sense of family" means. IMO, it doesn't include letting your child be a victim of anyone's mistreatment... children and adults alike.

[carmel23]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

.

, but I don't like sleepovers where there are men and boys..

With the exception of family members.

Can your niece have a sleepover with an former friend from her school? Wouldn't that make more sense, if she is going to have regular activities with school friends?

[Heavenly]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

1. My 11 year old, who is a sweet kid who attends public school, makes her own choices about sleep overs. She's knows the kids and I don't, and I trust her opinion. So *yes*, I do allow sleepovers with people I barely know.

2. There's a big difference between *barely* knowing someone (like another mom from my DD's class) and knowing some one well enough to see a bunch of red flags, such as your situation. My DD wouldn't want to do a sleepover with your niece anyway. She's mean.

And I know it's sexist, but I don't like sleepovers where there are men and boys. One of DDs friends has an older brother, and the girls do sleepovers here, not there. I won't be comfortable with a sleepover with a single dad. I just wouldn't. I know it's sexist, but that's just how I feel. I also send DD with a cell phone and let her know that she can call me at anytime to come get her if she quits having fun, get's scared, the kids get out of control, etc.

I'd level with grandma and make it clear that it wasn't going to happen and the conversation was over.

I know it's racist, but I don't like sleepovers where there are black people. I also don't like sleepovers where there is a lesbian in the house.











Prefacing a sexist, or racist, statement with saying that you know it's sexist, racist, ageist, etc. doesn't make it any better. Your statement truly makes me want to weep. I have a son and to think that people might not allow his little sister's friends over because he is in the house...there just are no words.

*obviously my statements above were just to prove a point. I do not feel that way in any way, shape or form!

[*bejeweled*]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

Absolutely not.

And definitely not in this situation.

Red flags all over the place.


Now, nothing wrong with getting to know the neice in other circumstances. But having overnight sleepovers is not the only way to be her friend. If the dad continues to insist that it is, that would be my sign to tell him "Never". Something a little off about his behavior, for sure.

I totally agree. And the biggest red flag is the OP's obvious discomfort with the idea. No way would I allow it.

[phathui5]

Nope. I would invite the niece to my house instead.