Private people. Why is it such a problem?

[HappilyEvrAfter]

Why do people have issues with people who are private about their lives?

This whole issue comes up because of (once again) Facebook.

I generally keep a ton of my life details to myself; only let very select few into my "inner circle". One reason is because that's just who I am and another is because the military can be such a small animal that details get around to other bases like you wouldn't believe....and I don't want those deatails getting back to certain people and talked about.
Ok, maybe my issue is people talking about me behind my back...anyway.

So, I finally got an account with FB which I kind of tried to keep to myself. Well, people at work got ahold of it, kind of razzed me about it and deliberatly sent friend requests. I gladly accepted, but limited them from my wall. I feel like I need a place away from the people I spend 8 hours a day with and then live right around the corner from.
It's not as if I sent them a friend request just so I could keep them out of the wall.

You would not believe the backlash that caused!
Even when I "bow" out of conversations to keep from sharing certain personal details it throws red flags and they feel the need to highlight it.

Why is it such a big deal to people? Am I making them feel slighted in some way? It's not as if I'm throwing myself into the conversation and then shouting "That's None Of Your Business".

I know I should really just let them have their feelings and be done, but by keeping my life quiet does it make people feel..i dunno...slighted?

Anyone else encounter this at work?

[Tuesday]

I'm not working right now but your dilemma sounds familiar. For one thing, I think Facebook brings out the worst in certain people and has created a whole new set of social dilemmas. Second - when someone is private and drawing lines around themselves - it tends to make other people feel insecure. I personally think you're wise to stay away from "Friends" from your workplace and it seems ridiculous that these people are actings if they are high school kids. You're acting with integrity and sticking to your principles; as I said earlier - I think it's people's own insecurities you are seeing. Don't let it get to you.

[myjo]

I think part of it is that self disclosure makes people feel trusted, and also like they can trust you. Being a private person certainly doesn't mean you can't be trusted, but it can put people on edge.

You certainly should never share anything you feel uncomfortable sharing, that would be a self-betrayal. I think some of us who are very forthcoming and transparent sometimes do cross the line and betray too much about ourselves, and it later feels very uncomfortable.

[Bluegoat]

As far as Facebook goes, I think it is best to keep it strictly for information that you would not mind being widely known. The fact is, it is all information that is disseminated into the ether and you have no control once it is out there.

If you want to use it for only a few close friends, you could get an account under a false name, and just deal with those you want to. It would depend on them being discrete though.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

Thanks for the replies. I found that you can create "lists" and I've put them in a work list that is restricted to only seeing certain parts of the FB page.
I just feel more comfortable that way and will leave it at that.

I want to feel relaxed talking to friends out there without it being discussed at work.
Nobody else seems to have this issue...although I've seen some questionable stuff about people higher in rank that makes me a little weirded out. I guess that's another issue I have with this whole thing.


WARNING: this gets kind of rambly...Lol...and longer than I thought it would.

I think some of us who are very forthcoming and transparent sometimes do cross the line and betray too much about ourselves, and it later feels very uncomfortable.

Nobody else seems to have this issue...although I've seen some questionable stuff about people higher in rank that makes me a little weirded out. I guess this is a whole 'nother issue I have with being waaaaay open about private life stuff.
There are just some things I don't want to know about the people I work with because it has potential to create questions in the long run. Maybe not so much in the private sector (though I suppose it could), but very much so in military life. Just my feelings on it.
Getting an intimate look into someone's life creates perception problems on the job, IMO. Not that it should, but, honestly, it does.

Originally Posted by myjo

I think part of it is that self disclosure makes people feel trusted, and also like they can trust you. Being a private person certainly doesn't mean you can't be trusted, but it can put people on edge.

So, is it really the "fear of the unknown" that gives people the jitters?
Maybe it's just the way I was raised, but I guess I feel kind of the opposite. I get all oogey and a red flag gets raised when I meet someone and they are ready to tell me every intimate detail of their life in the first 2 mins. Lol.

I'm more than happy to join in the jokes/conversations with work people and participate in off duty functions, but it seems to be taboo when I don't let them into "my world". Suddenly I'm the ostracized member when I don't want to share every happening from the weekend or tell them what joke I just sent to a friend in an email, or why I was at the corner gas station that somebody saw me at. Um, why do you need to know?
Why would me telling them those things make them feel more trusted?
Maybe it makes them feel like I don't want them part of my world? ...well, ok, honestly, I don't want anyone in my own little haven. It's small town/base, I'm an introvert and I'm surrounded by the same people day in-day out, on duty-off duty. The exact people I work with daily comprise my enitre neighborhood.

And its not a double standard. I'm perfectly at ease if someone just puts off the "you're only my acquaintence" vibe. I can totally get the hint that they don't care to share any more than "Good Morning" and I'm not slighted in the least. Which totally makes me come off as a selfish person...so I've been told.

Is it maybe that I don't seem concerned or interested enough? That because I'm completely willing to listen and not prod about every last detail and that makes it seem like I coudn't really care any less?

Anyway, just trying to work through this and see where my issue with all this is...see if it really is a personal issue or happens elsewhere.

[myjo]

Introverts and extroverts are just essentially different in the way they feel about sharing themselves with others.

As a fellow introvert, I understand that letting someone in to your inner circle right away can seem...I don't know...threatening maybe? It means that they may have certain expectations of you as a good friend and I don't have the energy for a huge group of close friends. I expend enormous amounts of energy just getting to know one person. The only trait I don't share with other introverts is the tendency to conceal details about my life. Sometimes I reveal too much. I have the tendency to be indiscrete, and that's part of why I don't have a huge circle of intimate friends, I know I have that tendency and I don't like it. I'm safer by myself or with one close friend!

But extroverts don't think that way. The more the merrier as far as they are concerned. They actually feel energized in large groups of people, and they love to share back and forth.

It's probably some of what I mentioned earlier, and also a fundamental misunderstanding between two different types of people.

[pdamom]

i'm an extrovert by nature however very much share your privacy concerns particularly with facebook.

any information i place on that site i know is public knowledge and therefore open to interpretation and scrutiny.
i therefore do not post things of significance.

i kind of developed the rule if i wouldn't share it in an open room with people i really know, hardly know and know by face, then i'm not putting it on the net, with my picture marking my home town.

(now that being said my status lines usually reveal an on going rivlary between my husband and i regarding a certain mud soaked picture my husband took of me following our dogs escape from our house during a thunderstorm.)<-- which sadly many of my neighbours watched laughing hysterically i might add

[rhiOrion]

I'm an extrovert and am not very private about anything. I mean, if you show any interest whatsoever I'd be happy to tell you all about whether I pooped during childbirth and when I last had sex (note that I said "if you show any interest"... I'm not one of those people who randomly starts talking to strangers about this stuff).

BUT, because I'm so very open it creates a very similar problem, oddly enough. I don't need to be that open with most co-workers. And sometimes I might post from facebook during work hours. So therefore, I just made it a policy to never ever friend co-workers. It gets a bit more confusing when I have coworkers who are actually friends and who I share this stuff with anyhow. I feel bad telling them no to being facebook friends. But I have to for the sake of not friending everyone from my office!

[paintedfire]

I work for the government, so the idea of a Facebook page just screams "Bad idea!" to me.

[Galatea]

I get friend requests from customers, and 99% of the time, I do not accept. This is as close as it gets to "coworker" for me, and it was a deliberate decision b/c I am a private person, and an introvert, and they do not belong in that sphere of my life. I don't know if the people I didn't respond to are offended, but if they are, that wouldn't make me friend them.

[azgirl]

I'm introverted and somewhat private (I used to be very private, but I am not anymore) I would NEVER block someone from posting on my wall and I would be deeply offended (and I get offended about once every 5 years) if someone blocked my from his or her wall. If you choose to be on Facebook you can just keep your interactions at a tone/level that you are okay with everyone seeing. I keep my dark/intense/unpopular etc. thoughts for my most intimate relationships the way I always did before Facebook. I often delete people from Facebook or don't accept a friend requests. If I saw a coworker everyday I would not feel comfortable denying a friend request from them. Its just a fact of life. I know that you can make yourself completely hidden and private and just tell your non-close friends that you turned off your account. OP it sounds like you came to a good solution, I didn't realize how lists work, I might do what you did and I can get more personal...hmmm...
But I just wanted to give the "other" perspective that reasonable, sensitive (I think ) people can be offended by FB behavior.

PS Facebook has really helped me analyze my behavior and "find" and be comfortable with my authentic self. It has been huge for me. It is okay for my conservative relatives to see my political views. It's okay for my progressive friends to see my political views etc. It's okay for me to be proud of myself, toot my own horn, be sad, be disappointed in my life, etc.

[LROM]

I just got on facebook for the first time ever (and the only way it even happened is that a friend created an account for me WITHOUT ASKING first!). While I'm actually enjoying it much more than I imagined, it freaks me out too.

Ironic that I'm reading your post at this moment, as I'm just about to do something that maybe you could do too?

I'm just about to go on and create a 2nd account with a non-identifying name (like "Love Chocolate" or something) and a photo that's just an image. Then I'm going to tell my truly inner circle that it's me and that that's where I'll post more stuff and pics, and ask them to just keep that i.d. to themselves. If anyone I didn't notify about this friend's me, I'll know there's a "leak" in my inner circle.

I'm not doing this to catch someone, I'm doing it because already I have people who've friended me that I felt bad saying no to, but don't want reading my every thought that I care to post. I'll not post anythign truly private on either page, but I do want somewhere to be able to complain about my hubby, tell funny crazy kid stories, and talk politics. Not ready to do that with the whole group I've already accepted as friends on my other site.

Think that 2nd account might work for you too?

Best of luck whatever you do. Oh, and in your shoes, next time someone got upset/razzed me about being private, I'd simply and calmly ask them "Why does that bother you so much?" and just listen to the answers. You don't owe anyone info about you you don't want to share. But often by asking the person why they're so bothered that you don't like to talk about ________, they other person will realize it's not the end of the world, AND that maybe they look a little silly caring so much.

[tinybutterfly]

This is funny! You all may appreciate it. There is some language in it. It's Southpark.


http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?...3877426&ref=mf

I am an extrovert, but I am very private. I share selectively. I've always been this way...and it's okay.

I would just keep your fb light and breezy, no major details and if you want to start a second fb for your inner circle, then do so.

fb should be fun, not stressful.

[Satori]

Originally Posted by tinybutterfly

This is funny! You all may appreciate it. There is some language in it. It's Southpark.


http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?...3877426&ref=mf

I am an extrovert, but I am very private. I share selectively. I've always been this way...and it's okay.

I would just keep your fb light and breezy, no major details and if you want to start a second fb for your inner circle, then do so.

fb should be fun, not stressful.

lol, that was good! That drama is part of the reason I don't do facebook or myspace. To me, private people don't do facebook and blogs, exhibitionist type people do. If I want you to know something I'll tell you directly and not yell it to the world at large, especially people from work where it could get me fired or disciplined. Work and personal life need to stay separate imo.

[Tradd]

Originally Posted by azgirl

I'm introverted and somewhat private (I used to be very private, but I am not anymore) I would NEVER block someone from posting on my wall and I would be deeply offended (and I get offended about once every 5 years) if someone blocked my from his or her wall. If you choose to be on Facebook you can just keep your interactions at a tone/level that you are okay with everyone seeing. I keep my dark/intense/unpopular etc. thoughts for my most intimate relationships the way I always did before Facebook. I often delete people from Facebook or don't accept a friend requests. If I saw a coworker everyday I would not feel comfortable denying a friend request from them. Its just a fact of life. I know that you can make yourself completely hidden and private and just tell your non-close friends that you turned off your account. OP it sounds like you came to a good solution, I didn't realize how lists work, I might do what you did and I can get more personal...hmmm...
But I just wanted to give the "other" perspective that reasonable, sensitive (I think ) people can be offended by FB behavior.

PS Facebook has really helped me analyze my behavior and "find" and be comfortable with my authentic self. It has been huge for me. It is okay for my conservative relatives to see my political views. It's okay for my progressive friends to see my political views etc. It's okay for me to be proud of myself, toot my own horn, be sad, be disappointed in my life, etc.

1. About the Wall thing - some people have EVERYONE blocked from their wall. I've had to do that (block everyone from Wall access) two times recently, once because I was navigating a delicate situation with a mentally ill IRL friend who couldn't be trusted to not post very questionable stuff (this was before I figured out how to do the list thing) and when someone else got their knickers in a twist about something bland I'd said in a comment elsewhere on FB. This second person had a habit of blasting people out there, and so I cut her off before she started it. She then went on and on with some PMs, and I finally had to block her. She went off the deep end when she realized she couldn't post on my wall, but I already had other issues with her.

2. About "friending" coworkers. I refuse to friend coworkers. Period I'm quite open about this. No one has gotten their knickers in a twist about it. I say in a nice way that my work and personal lives are private and that I've never been in the habit of developing friendships with coworkers. Everyone is cool with that. I'm nice and chatty and chummy in the office, even to the extent of occasionally going out to lunch with several coworkers. That's the extent of it. I have very different interests from the vast majority of my coworkers, we have very different values and outlooks, and while they are on the whole nice people I respect as coworkers, that doesn't mean I have to be friends with them outside of the office. That's how I also manage to stay out of most of the office politics.

[shayinme]

Originally Posted by Satori

lol, that was good! That drama is part of the reason I don't do facebook or myspace. To me, private people don't do facebook and blogs, exhibitionist type people do. If I want you to know something I'll tell you directly and not yell it to the world at large, especially people from work where it could get me fired or disciplined. Work and personal life need to stay separate imo.

I don't think this is true at all. I live 1100 from my nearest close friends and family and originally for me FB was about staying connected and doing it in a less time consuming manner. I could share pics of the family and other tidbits without a zillion emails, etc.

I blog as well but its not something I advertise though it has taken off a bit yet I keep it away from most folks.

That said as FB becomes the preferred way to stay in touch I am now dealing with colleagues and folks I barely know on a professional level wanting to friend me and its becoming a hassle. To not accept a request while living in a small town can look bad yet I used to use FB as a place to let it hang out with folks I vibed with and I no longer do that.

I agree with another poster who said this whole social media thing is changing up the game and IMO not in a great way. I am almost at the point of getting rid of FB.

[Satori]

Originally Posted by shayinme

I don't think this is true at all. I live 1100 from my nearest close friends and family and originally for me FB was about staying connected and doing it in a less time consuming manner. I could share pics of the family and other tidbits without a zillion emails, etc.

I blog as well but its not something I advertise though it has taken off a bit yet I keep it away from most folks.

That said as FB becomes the preferred way to stay in touch I am now dealing with colleagues and folks I barely know on a professional level wanting to friend me and its becoming a hassle. To not accept a request while living in a small town can look bad yet I used to use FB as a place to let it hang out with folks I vibed with and I no longer do that.

I agree with another poster who said this whole social media thing is changing up the game and IMO not in a great way. I am almost at the point of getting rid of FB.

Yes it usually starts out that way but before you know it you have everyone under the sun friending you and your private life has just become public. I do have a FB profile because I went on FB looking for an old friend (which I found) and I do not do anything with that profile, nada, and I get friend requests from people I don't even know or that saw an email mentioning something some where else and thought to look me up. Its nothing bad but still unnerving that some stranger wants access to my life. Its one thing to drop me an email but to ask for access to everything I have to say online in my private life? Thats just creepy and invasive to me when your not a really good friend ya know? To me allowing near strangers or flat out strangers to see into your personal life is nothing short of exhibitionism imo.

I like my privacy, IRL I am intensely private and to just let it all hang out online? Not going to happen, I don't mind being a voyeur to everyone elses drama but hanging my own out? Not likely.

[chimomma]

About the 2nd account/alias thing, I know people who did that, but every one still found them...it is pretty easy to do if you have any mutual friends. You can be recommended as a friend to all your friend's friend's and some people just seem to want to add as many friends as possible so they will try to add you. Or they will figure out who you are and try to add you.

[AnalogWife]

If you choose to be on Facebook you can just keep your interactions at a tone/level that you are okay with everyone seeing.

ITA, this is what I do. For me, FB was a huge boost to my self esteem, I always had a lot of virtual friends from another board, but I was terrified of IRL people in my town, and was completely flattered when they initiated FB friendship with me. Still, since my family is on there, and my coworkers, etc, I mostly just comment on their statuses and keep my lip buttoned when it comes to my own private matters (isn't that what private people do anyways???) Most of my statuses are about being my son's mumma (which will probably land me on STFU, Parents dot com, but I'll live. )

[pammysue]

I am an introvert and a very private person. I have not friend any co-workers. I make it clear to everyone when the subject comes up that the only reason I have a FB account is to share pictures and information with my friends (real friends) and family in my hometown. And that is primarily what I use it for. I think I have ignored more friend requests than accepted, unapologetically. I also have all of the privacy settings set at the highest, am not a member of any networks (especially not work), have only my married name listed and almost never have a picture of myself as the profile picture.