abuse - help (sensitive info included)

[Siar]

DS age 6 told me today quite matter-of-factly that he and another boy from his class were hiding in the playground and in the toilets at school and "nibbling each others willies" and he mentioned licking and sucking. I am so shocked. And although he is not always truthful, I feel certain that he was telling us the truth - I am so glad that he is of the age where he still tells us things, but so saddened that this has happened - and at school too. I don't think he feels abused by this at all - he was just telling us as if it were a normal game to play. I have talked to him before about privacy etc. - and now this. He says that the other boy instigated this and that it has happened before. I am going in first thing in the morning to have a private talk to his class teacher. I am worried about where the other boy has got this from - that he may be being abused. I am certain that my DS cannot have encountered this behaviour anywhere else. He can't have seen anything on TV or in a publication or on the internet, and other than at school he is never out of my care. I feel sick about this. How should I talk about this with him? DH and I have both talked to him briefly this evening about this, but without making a big issue of it. What would you do?

[nextcommercial]

You definately should investigate. But, don't be surprised if this other boy's parents say the exact same thing about your son being the instigator.

I have a four year old daycare girl who has an 11 year old sister. While I doubt she is actively TEACHING sex to the four year old, I know the four year old picks up on a lot of it. She is entirely too sexual for a four year old. She knows about things she shouldn't know about, and she uses language she shouldn't know about.

But, her parents absolutely SWEAR she doesn't get it from home. I know that she absolutely does.

So, my point is, the teacher does need to know about it. Your son needs to know that he shouldn't be going anywhere alone with his friend, and the school needs to know this happens... But, don't be surprised if the some of the blame falls on your son too. (unless the school already knows about this other boy from other incidents)

[nola79]

I would have the same reaction as you. That is scary. I do hope the boy is not being abused, but I can't imagine where it's coming from....keep us updated

[Siar]

I saw his teacher this morning and she is going to talk to the headmaster and he will (hopefully) want to chat with the other boy's parents. She is also going to have a general chat to the class about privacy and not touching other people's private places! And she is going to keep me informed. I have told my DS not to play this game again. His teacher is also going to try and make sure he doesn't spend ages in the toilets and that he doesn't go to the toilets with this other boy during class time (she can't moderate him that easily at break times though). I don't think she took it as seriously as I did, but I am happy that she is going to look into this.

[Siar]

now I'm not so happy with the way it's being dealt with. I just had a phone call from the headmaster and he has pulled DS and his friend out of class and had a chat to them and tried to establish what happened yesterday (this is what I would call making an issue of it ). Apparently DS did admit that they were playing with their willies yesterday, but they couldn't get him to tell any more. Oh course he's not going to, not after I told him that it was wrong to play that game and that he mustn't do it again - he's not going to admit to something that he thinks is bad is he? And the headmaster has asked DS' teacher to talk to the boys again about things and he is going to have a chat to the class about privacy. I think this is really blowing things out of proportion and is much more likely to create issues. But now that it's being dealt with at school, there's not much I can do about it, is there? I really didn't want DS to be freaked out about this, but I think he may be now.

[writteninkursive]

This is not, at all, abnormal behavior for children this age. It is incredibly common for young boys to participate in not only sexual play, but with people of the same gender, for those are the people they have the most access to. One study showed that up to 35% of boys under 10 reported sexual play with other boys their age. I wouldn't label it abuse, although yes, it can be problematic.

Definitely not cool how they made a big deal out of it! Ugh! I would just calmly discuss it with your son, tell him that we keep those parts private (again, as I'm sure you've already told him) and that when he is older, if he would like to participate in those activities when he is mature, that will be okay then. Not too big of a deal. Don't sweat it too bad, Mama!

[kittykat2481]

I would probably pull my son out of school for a few days. Just tell him he gets to have some special fun days with mommy this week. The way the school is handling the situation could cause him to feel shame about what happened and that's not right. Sitting him and the other boy in front of the headmaster to be grilled is humiliating and shameful. It needs to be handled with the other child, in private, and hopefully through a report to child protective services, and not make any more of an issue to your son (other than to give him an opportunity to talk about what happened, maybe with a therapist or school counselor).

[CarrieMF]

I don't see a problem with the headmaster taking the boys aside and asking what happened. In fact since this happened AT school the headmaster HAS to do it, an incident report needs to be filled and out and he can only do that by going to the source and getting their stories on what happened.

Taking only 1 child does not give the whole story, especially since it isn't the first time it has happened and your son was a willing participant in it.

Were the 2 boys talked to together or were they seperate?

[StephandOwen]

I have to wonder why the boys were unsupervised in the bathroom for that long. Is that normal?

My ds is 6 and in Kindergarten. They have regular bathroom breaks where the whole class goes to the bathroom (in a line, very organized) and the teacher/assistant/para have 2-3 children in the bathroom at a time. The para is sticking his head in the boys bathroom to get them moving along and the teacher or assistant is sticking her head in the girls bathroom to keep things moving. As one child comes out they send another in. If a child has to use the bathroom outside of this break they can, but there usually isn't 2+ children in there at a time (because if more than 2 children start with the "I have to go potty" then the teacher just makes it into a whole class bathroom break).

[squimp]

I have no experience with something like this, but wow, I would not like how they handled it. It seems like anyone with any sense on such a sensitive matter would first talk to the kids independently, preferably with their parents there or close by.

I am so sorry, I would be really upset too about the whole thing. I know there's exploration (showing, comparing, touching), but licking doesn't seem like something a kid would come up with on their own.

[Siar]

thanks for your responses - the good thing is that we are already booked to go away on holiday for a week on Friday (tomorrow), so that will put some space between us and the situation. At the school the children are allowed to go to the bathroom on their own. I think they stopped having "class bathroom breaks" when he moved into Reception class at age 4.5! So essentially they are left to get on with it. And I would agree that some exploration, showing and comparing is entirely normal at this age, but it was the licking/sucking that I was concerned about. That really doesn't seem like something they would come up with on their own and I am worried at where and how they might have come across that idea. I think I feel more annoyed at how it was handled, because if it happens again I don't think DS will tell me now, I think he will keep it secret because he has been made to feel like it is a bad thing to do, something to be pulled up in front of the headmaster for. FWIW he told me that he didn't elaborate on details to the headmaster, that he was only comfortable telling me that - so I guess that is sort-of positive in a way.

[karika]

oops didn't see last post, everything I said is there.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

Originally Posted by StephandOwen

I have to wonder why the boys were unsupervised in the bathroom for that long. Is that normal?

My ds is 6 and in Kindergarten. They have regular bathroom breaks where the whole class goes to the bathroom (in a line, very organized) and the teacher/assistant/para have 2-3 children in the bathroom at a time. The para is sticking his head in the boys bathroom to get them moving along and the teacher or assistant is sticking her head in the girls bathroom to keep things moving. As one child comes out they send another in. If a child has to use the bathroom outside of this break they can, but there usually isn't 2+ children in there at a time (because if more than 2 children start with the "I have to go potty" then the teacher just makes it into a whole class bathroom break).

That is how all bathroom breaks are done here for kids k-8 only so many at a time and supervised. Now kids are allowed to go during class but only 1 at a time can at once from the same class.

[SaoirseC]

When my son was around 4 he happened to be bathing with a little girl who was around 5. I was in the bathroom the whole time because they were also bathing with my baby girl and of course I wanted to supervise. Anyway, the little girl asked my son to lick her butt and before I could pick my jaw off the floor, he did it!! I tried to stifle my disgust and irritation, but I asked him where poop comes from, and if he wanted to lick something that poop comes out of. He made a disgusted face and decided he didn't want to do it again. I have no clue where that came from, as I'm almost 100% sure that she had no inappropriate experiences, and the whole thing seemed pretty organic.

Anyway, it's possible that the boys were just experimenting. Try your best to make sure that he isn't led to feel shame about what happened, but that touching other people's genitals is only for adults (or insert whatever your family believes- in marriage, etc.) so please don't do it again. Also be sure to stress that he did a very good thing for telling you, and if it ever happens again he's welcome to tell you, and you WILL NOT get mad at him or anything like that. He probably feels really embarrassed about it by now, and so you may want to tread lightly, try not to focus too much on what happened.

[Hoopin' Mama]

I have encountered my son and another little boy, uh, playing doctor, and I know for certain neither child has been abused.