Normal physical aggression in a 2 yr old? Really need input.

[sf333]

I would really like some insight and/or BTDT experiences please...

24 month old DS has been biting us (and just us, DH and I) for over a year. In the past several months, he's added to his repertoire: hitting, pinching, kicking, scratching, pulling hair, etc. It's now at the point where, as soon as something happens that he doesn't like, he attacks us. I know that at least some of this can be attributed to his age. He's still not talking, so I'm sure that leads to some of it as well (he does use Sign, but doesn't have as many signs as he needs to be able to communicate 100%). But, I'm starting to wonder if something else is at play here - like maybe a food allergy/sensitivity? He is already on a dairy free diet but that is the only restriction he has.

I'm feeling very much at the end of my rope - at least, today I am. I'm 30 weeks pregnant and emotional. Not a good combination with a combative, physically aggressive child. Ideas? Does this sound normal for a 2 yr old?

[EzzysMom]

It sounds a little extreme to me, although I'm definitely seeing the same behavior to some degree in the kids my DD's age with very few words. You may already have been doing this, but try to give him suggestions for how to vent his anger/frustration that are acceptable. Stomping, punching pillows, biting a chew toy, taking a time out (sit and take deep breaths together kind, not the ignoring you kind). Don't forget the natural consequences of not wanting to play with him when he treats you like this for a little while. I also like the game of 'you can't push me over' from the Playful parenting book where you tell the kid 'you can't push me over' and they try to shove you over (be sitting, and probably a game for your DH at this point in pregnancy!) and you let them knock you down. They feel powerful and you get touch connection without anyone getting hurt. I would really hope to get this a bit more resolved by the time the baby comes or I'd fear it being a really unhappy situation for everyone.

You don't mention much about the diet other than no dairy, I'd try to cut out food-dyes, as it can't hurt. Also trying to watch for triggers or maybe non-triggers at this point, is it more of a problem when he's hungry? Lots of warnings of what will happen and choices whenever you can. It's tough

[Bendemolena]

I don't know what's normal, but I think my son is headed in that direction, and is already there to a large extent. He's 16 months and has been hitting, slapping, scratching, pinching, kicking for awhile now - since he started walking, I guess. Almost always it's directed at me, sometimes DH, and sometimes Grandma when she's here. He seems to do it mostly when he's frustrated, and when he gets refused something or has to wait a minute for me to pick him up/nurse/give him what he's asking for/respond to him. The hitting picks up when he's tired too.

It may just be that some kids need to express themselves physically. I notice my son is less physically aggressive if he gets a lot of time to play outside, and if I spend a good amount of time focused on him (not my iphone, mail, computer, phone, etc.). It's a form of communication. If we stay indoors more, or if I'm more distracted around him and less engaged, he's much more likely to be aggressive.

[changingseasons]

I'm curious why you suspect food allergies. Is he dairy-free because of an allergy? Are there other symptoms? Have you tried eliminating other foods (and kept a food journal)? Other common allergies/intolerances are soy, eggs, corn, gluten.

My DD (2.5yo) has a bazillion food allergies, and a billion more intolerances. Each food has it's own set of symptoms it seems, but many of them come out as behavioral issues- exactly like what you're describing. She becomes very physically aggressive- hits, kicks, bites, spits, etc. Once I figure out the problem food and remove it, the behaviors are gone within 24 hours. Fruit often causes these types of reaction for her, as does corn (we just did a corn trial- it was ugly.) But she usually has at least one other symptom, like- excessive ear wax, bumps or rash on her skin, potty misses, frequent waking at night, things like that.

[lilmom]

My DS is almost 3 and he is a very physical kid..now that he is more able to verbally express himself it is so much better. But he was like your little one. Biting, hitting, slapping. It was bad.

I agree 100% with cutting out food dyes. Actually cut out all processed foods that you can, especially anything with HCFS. For my DS, that is huge. He eats almost all whole foods and it makes a huge difference in his behavior. He gets so aggressive with even just a tiny amount of that stuff! He is also allergic to egg yolks and they are a major problem for him.

Other than that, I would say make sure he feels understood when he gets upset. Here's what we did with DS. If he hits/bites/etc I will immediately move him to a spot away from myself and tell him that I would love to hold him but I don't hold babies that hit. Then once he has calmed down, i go to him and say, "Are you upset because (insert reason I think he might be upset)?" Sometimes, alot of times, actually, he just needs some gentle, one-on-one attention. Anyway, once I figure out why he is upset, we talk about it and I remind him that we need to use our words to let mommy or daddy know we're upset.

Now, almost all the time, he is able to say "I'm upset" or "I'm sad" or "I'm mad" or "i don't want to" and it is great.

Granted, sometimes if he is exhausted or a situation is just completely overwhelming for him he slips up and bites. But I promise, that in time, if you work on this, it will get better. MUCH better! Hang in there mama, I know this is hard.