I Feel "Robbed" of My Perfect Birth Experience...

[attached2ethan]

I am 36 weeks pregnant with #3 and am facing a possible hospital induction for high blood pressure. I have been planning a peaceful waterbirth at our birthing center the entire pregnancy.

DS1 was born in a hospital at 38 weeks due to very high blood pressure, I was induced with Citotek (yes, I now know how bad that is!) and experienced one long, horrifically painful contraction for 3 hours straight, and then he was born extremely fast, stressed out, and passed meconium. He was whisked away from me to be cleaned and suctioned, and we were reunited and spent 2 days in the hospital, from which point everything went fine.

DS2 was born in the same birthing center I'm going to now, I labored at the beach at sunset and when things picked up, spent the evening in the birthing tub with my midwife. It was almost a perfect experience, although my blood pressure did spike up at the very end and cause momentary panic and heart palpiatations- but he was born immediately and things went right back down. So I do have a history of BP issues in pregnancy, but I didn't expect any problems this time.

It started at 34 weeks, I was on modified bedrest for 2 weeks and had another spike this week (155/92) that prompted my midwife to put me on basically total bedrest. I had an appointment with her yesterday and we had a discussion about puytting my affairs in order by the end of this week, since its looking more and more like I will need to go into the hospital (at SOME point) for observation at least. And possibly facing an induction- we're just trying to get to the 37 week mark right now so she can be considered full term.

My point is right now, that I never imagined this scenario would happen again and I am really upset that I might be robbed of another potentially wonderful birth. I had so many little nesting projects that needed to be done in the next few weeks, and some special little things I had planned to do with my boys that I now cannot do. My husband's grandmother is flying in to help, which is wonderful and welcome, but at the same time it's going to uproot our routine and my boys are already out of sync from me being partially unavailable. I wanted their transition with the new baby to be gentle and peaceful, and for them to be at her birth, see birth for what it really should be, and have those memories for a lifetime to pass on to thei own wives and children. I wanted to make little t-shirts with them that say BIG BROTHER and go shopping and let them pick out a special gift for the baby. I wanted to soak up the last moments as a family of four, float in the pool and enjoy the sunshine with them a few last times. I wanted to have an ice cream party for them to celebrate their big-brotherness. I wanted to have a few last dates with my husband before I have a baby attached to my boob again for another few years. I wanted to clean out my closet, California style, and make room for all my baby girls shoes and dresses that I've dreamt of my whole life, which are currently heaped in a pile in the corner of my bedroom. I wanted to just relax, drink fake margaritas and take naps in the afternoon, feel my baby kick, and wait for the big moment to happen.

It feels better to just say what I want, and hope that it can still happen. I don't want to get caught up in a world of bloodwork, pitocin, mag sulfate, and epidural-pushing. I don't want my kids to be away from me while I birth, only to come in the hospital room and suddenly HEY there's a baby- don't want that AT ALL. We've told them all along that they are welcome to watch the birth and be a part of things- I don't want to be the one to tell them that can't happen. I don't want them bounced around from friend to friend during this delicate experience, if I should have to go into the hospital for a while before she's born.

I can't wait to meet my daughter, but this is NOT the way I wanted her to come into the world. I'm trying everything I can to keep my BP low, but it's hovering right at the bordeline of 140/90's right now, even with rest. Midwife said even if it stays ok, the chances of it spiking during labor are very high and we'll probably end up at the hospital anyway, and I know she's right. I'm just feeling robbed of my whole experience right now and needed to get it out of my head! Thanks for listening!

[*MamaJen*]

I'm so sorry. Obviously the most important thing is the healthy baby and blah blah blah, but it's completely okay to mourn the loss of the birth experience you hoped to cherish, including savoring the last few weeks of your pregnancy.
I don't know a ton about blood pressure issues in pregnancy, but there are some really knowledgeable women on this board. Maybe you'll get some good advice for dealing with that issue.
Also, if it's seriously looking like you're heading to the hospital for birth, can you start planning some of that out? For example, could you look at ways to keep the induction more evidence-based, or write out the birth plan for after the baby is born (delayed cord clamping, no artificial nipples, baby stays with parent, that sort of thing.) Maybe taking charge of the elements that you can control will make it a little easier. Also, maybe you could read up on positive induction stories.

[DirtRoadMama]

Oh! That made my eyes well up!

I agree with Jen, that you can start planning your "just in case" plan.

Also, I'm a huge fan of the power of positive thinking. I know it can be hard, but maybe you can focus as much of your thoughts about the birth towards achieving your dream? I know some of your focus needs to go to the "just in case" plan, but otherwise, can you use your bedrest time to really visualize the birth you dream of?

Lots of happy thoughts and best wishes to you!!!!

[Romana]

Are you taking your blood pressure daily at home? I have some major white coat syndrome and have had BPs as high as 155/95 or similar in the midwife or doctor's office. At home, I've never had a high reading like that. I use a high-quality home electronic monitor that has an attached printer - it prints with the BP, pulse, date and time. I print them for my midwife and she puts them in my chart.

I haven't been doing it as much this pregnancy because I've been having my BP taken at the gym and because I can't find my monitor. Lame, I know. But the monitor worked great the prior two pregnancies and gave me the opportunity to confirm that my issue was white coat syndrome and not actual high BP. I also have had no signs of pre-eclampsia whatsoever (no excessive swelling, no swelling in hands or face, no visual disturbances, no proteinuria, etc.). I would gladly get bloodwork done if my midwife were concerned to check the status of my organs in late pregnancy and confirm it's not pre-e.

So if you haven't been checking your blood pressure regularly at home, I strongly recommend doing it. I think that for the same reason it helps to avoid the hospital during labor, at least for as long as possible. My first was a hospital birth, but I showed up ready to push because I felt my doctor was going to freak out at my blood pressure during labor. My BP was normal during labor at home (I took it several times throughout a long labor) and they didn't even have time to check BP by the time I arrived at the hospital. I think had I not done that, they would have wanted to treat the BP unnecessarily.

I also checked my BP in labor with my second baby before my midwife arrived, and it was fine then as well (a bit elevated but nothing awful - 130s/80s IIRC).

Also, my BP tends to go all over the place. I don't know if it's super-consistent for other people, but every once in a while I get a wacky reading. I don't panic - I just go about my business and take another reading in a little bit. I have never had it remain high.

That's just my experience, but I hope it helps. If you haven't been monitoring at home, give it a try. It can also help to do a little meditation or visualization before/during the BP reading to help defray the anxiety you probably have surrounding having the reading done.

[attached2ethan]

A bit of an update that gives me a glimmer of hope...

I was admitted to the hospital yesterday because my BP was 160/100. Upon observation, we realized that my BP was going down to normal when I was laying on my side, but then when I was upright it was spiking. Bloodwork and urine were normal, so the good news is that I don't have pre-eclampsia- not yet at least! So I was sent home on bedrest.

I spoke with my midwife today and she definitely agreed for me to stay on bedrest, with the intention of keeping the blood pressure down at least long enough to let my baby come on her own. It could be a long couple of weeks, but well worth it to stay out of the hospital.

My midwife said as long as pre-e doesn't develop, we can still aim for the birthing center birth and take some measures to keep my pressures down during labor, and at least *try*. So that's the goal, and I'm visualizing it in my head over and over and willing things to go well...and I lost my mucus plug yesterday, so I'm really hoping things will get moving soon!!!

[mama_ness]

i am sorry that things are not going the way you had hoped. that is a hard situation to be in and you have every right to feel disappointed. (but yeah for your update! i hope that trend continues for you and your little girl!)

as for the things you really wanted to do, maybe you can still get many of them done with a little flexibility.

let your boys climb into bed with you and make those t-shirts! shop for their special presents on-line. amazon has a great toy selection.

the ice cream party might be hard, but maybe keep it small and quick and excuse yourself if you feel your blood pressure going up? your guests will understand and your partner and grandma can take over when you need to rest.

have a date at home. send grandma and the boys to a museum or park and order in your favorite food. light some candles, have a picnic in bed or pile up some pillows on your back patio and move your bed rest outside. watch a movie, get a massage from your partner.

i know that this is not quite the same, but getting some of these things done might reduce your resentment/anxiety levels and besides, you deserve some pampering!

best wishes!