When do I tell DSD's Mom?

[Phoenix~Mama]

I wasn't sure wether to put this here or in Blended...

But... the camel's back is pretty much broken. One way or another I have to find somewhere to go and leave my H. I will not survive much longer with him. He is zapping everything from me and I'm starting to be really concerned with the amount of stress I'm living in what it's doing to the baby.

I'm talking to a lawyer on Tuesday and hopefully going to beg and plead with my Mom this weekend to see the light and that this really is the best solution for me and that I need her support in leaving. Not sure how well it's going to go, as she generally makes more excuses to stay than I ever did. That and it screws her out of rent on her second house until she can find another renter... This whole situation is so complicated...

Anyway... another big piece to the puzzle that is that DSD is supposed to come stay with us this summer... God willing I'll be out by the summer... leaving H homeless, so obviously not a good place for DSD to go.

I have a very big feeling part of the reason DSD's Mom chose to send DSD here for the summer is because she had no other daycare options...

I don't know if I should try to give her a head's up before I have a concrete plan to leave or not? Like I said either way I'm gone... the DV shelter finally agreed that my situation is messed up and they can offer me a 30 day shelter stay, or if they can't they gave me a list of shelters to go to. So I figure if Mom really doesn't budge I could always go to a shelter for a little while and let everyone finally realize how freakin serious I am.

I'm battling with letting DSD down... and I'm not looking forward to telling DSD's Mom again... I tried to tell her a few months ago that I was planning on leaving... I guess she assumed when I got pregnant that I'd be staying. I just haven't had the energy to call her and tell her that I haven't stopped trying to leave. I had warned her that sending DSD here probably wasn't the best idea... and at the time she agreed. No idea what changed... but it makes me feel more stuck... or rather it did... I'm trying really hard to keep in perspective that ultimately it's not my problem that DSD has no summer care if I leave... her Mom and Dad should figure it out. I tried warning her Mom..

So anyway... do I call her again and tell her that I'm seriously not planning on being here this summer? I can't risk her telling H though... but she should have some kind of notice to at least attempt to find other care for DSD right?

Ugh... as you can see, I need help sorting through this obstacle.

[philomom]

Okay, I'm not from a blended family but as of May 1st... I hung my kid's summer calendar on the fridge. The camps, day camps and trips are mostly planned out already because the best spots often take registration in February.

So yeah, you could be leaving her in a serious lurch. But your well-being and your new baby's well-being still come ahead of the DSD. Maybe not much ahead, but ahead.

[KalamazooMom]

I don't know your whole history but if you're concerned that your H finds out before your plan is in place then I wouldn't tell her. I think your concern needs to be for yourself and your kids. You did already try to warn her. Hopefully she has some sort of back up plan? I would think that if you told her you weren't going to be around by the time school gets out she'd be very likely to call up your H and ask him what he was going to do about taking care of the kid for the summer.

[PoppyMama]

lots of cities have very low cost/free summer camp programs through parks and rec. My kids have attended in three diff cities. You could call parks and rec and find out deadline/capacity info to see time there is left to have alt childcare. Hopefully your x will leave the house quickly and you can be looking for a roommate how much time you,
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[Phoenix~Mama]

Well... as I said, I told DSD's Mom in Feb. that I was planning on leaving H. That was when the topic first came up about DSD coming here and I called her and told her it'd be a bad idea because I was planning to leave.

[doubledutch]

no. you already warned her. i don't think you need to call her again - between her and your stbx, they can figure out what to do with their dd.

that is great that you now have the option of going to the shelter.

[Super~Single~Mama]

For your SAFETY you need to leave in secrecy. That means NO ONE can know. NO ONE. Not even DSD's mom. Especially if she needs you and your H for daycare - that gives her a stake in your staying, and she knows as well as you do that your H is abusive.

Keep your plans secret.

And, can I recommend that you go to a shelter? I know that your parents are in their own cycle of abuse, and you need to be away from any and ALL abuse while leaving and getting your feet under you. Go to a shelter!!!!

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

FEWWWWWW, something is in the water at MDC this week.

If you warned the ex a few months ago, then you have done your part. I wouldnt take anymore risk of your H finding out what your plans are. Expecially considering his abusive tendancies. Just continue with your plans. Agreed that DSD is very dear to you, but she has two parents that are capable of taking care of her.

Just dont be surprised if your STBX throws that in your face when you DO leave. Build up a tough skin for that guilt trip.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by thyra

For your SAFETY you need to leave in secrecy. That means NO ONE can know. NO ONE. Not even DSD's mom. Especially if she needs you and your H for daycare - that gives her a stake in your staying, and she knows as well as you do that your H is abusive.

Keep your plans secret.

And, can I recommend that you go to a shelter? I know that your parents are in their own cycle of abuse, and you need to be away from any and ALL abuse while leaving and getting your feet under you. Go to a shelter!!!!

ITA with everything said here.

i know how emotional you feel, how much you relate to DSD's mom in the usual mommy way - but this is beyond that feeling. this is about being SAFE.

the best way you can help her is by leaving IMMEDIATELY. or as soon as you can swing it. i have read and followed your journey for a long time. kudos to you for coming to this point.

i know the shelter feels scary, but you just never know where supporters come out from esp. when you cant trust your mom.

right now figure out about yourself - not how your situation will affect others.

it can be hard for sure, but it also can be done. the only way you will find that out is by doing it.

i hope your husband does not have access to MDC and could be reading this.

any caring human being is not going to hold you to your 'promises'. they will want you to be safe. not just physically but emotionally too. it amazes me how much you have taken.

while in one sense it will be hard juggling children, on the other it will be such a RELIEF!!!!! I can promise you that.

so mama just get your ducks in a row and create your plan.

[Halfasianmomma]

Agreed...

I let my guilt about my X-DSS lead me to make promises to his mother I could not keep; she also felt guilty for the demise of her second marriage and wanted to blame STBX and I "for letting DSS down"...I wrote to her and tried to tell her that when I left I'd move close to STBX so that DSS could still see me and DDwhenever he wanted. It was my plan in the beginning because I so didn't want to lose touch with DSS, and I felt that since STBX was verbally abusive and addicted to alcohol, DSS needed a stable influence in his life.

In the end though, my break-up turned ugly, STBX started becoming aggressive and threatening, so I had to move back to my parents' place in a hurry for the safety it afforded me. Had they not been there for me, I would have needed a shelter. After things settled down a bit, I tried to be friends with DSS but STBX just used him against him and then suddenly forbade me from being his friend...then begged me to be his friend when he suspected DSS might be gay...on and on the merry-go-round went, till I had to accept the fact that I could not save everyone, not even DSS whom I loved for 6 years. I had myself and DD to think of.

I hope you have a good exit strategy in place...Keep us posted if you can.

[Chantelle691]

Jsma,

I am so proud of you and you need to know you are doing the right thing in keeping this secret. You tried to warn your H's ex and that's all you're responsible for doing.

It's not your responsibility to locate alternative care for her - your responsibility is to take care of your bab(y)(ies) and yourself and get away to a safe place, and stay strong.

We are *all* pulling for you, and know how much you have been through.

Don't back down, honey. You can do this - you NEED to do this.

[violet_]

JSMa,

Just another voice here in the chorus. You need to leave quietly and quickly. Your priority has to be safety of you and your babies. DSD's mother and father will figure something out for summer. A last-minute summer camp decision is a much smaller deal than your safety. Just leave quickly and quietly. Good luck!!

[Theia]

JSMa, I just wanted to offer support to all that has been said here. I wouldn't tell DSD's Mom again, nor your H. I simply wouldn't trust that DSD's Mom would not tell H that you are putting plans into motion and are planning to leave soon. Your safety and that of your children does depend upon leaving in secrecy. You can never be too safe, and never assume that you know what his reaction would be.

I stayed in a shelter, and I saw women there with 4-5 children. It's doable. They are set up well for children of all ages, even having a few cribs. My DD was 11 months old when we entered DV shelter. I know it's scary to consider going to a shelter, but a shelter with support in place is better than an unsupportive familiar place, imho. No one at the shelter would ever encourage you to return to your H or try to guilt trip you in anyway for leaving him, DSD, or even your Mom in a bit of a lurch because you left. All of those things will in time be fixed. What won't be fixed if you stay or return is the damage that is being done to you and your DC.

You are getting so strong, I am so happy to see you standing up for yourself and you children.

eta - I also think if you are in shelter you will have a better chance at getting into affordable housing more quickly as well as probably getting fee's for filing for divorce and custody waived. An advocate at your shelter would be able to give you more information though.

[MissLotus]

Add me to the list - don't tell her anything more. You already mentioned it before, so you have not been misleading. She will find a way like everyone else does, and really it's between her and your STBX, not you and her.

I wouldn't trust that she wouldn't mention it to your stbx, and you really need to make this as easy for yourself as possible. You have always bent over backwards to accomodate them; it's okay - and it's necessary - to make it about you (and your kids) this time. I know it's just one more thing to think about, and that you're concerned for DSD, but that's one of the things that will work themselves out and you don't have to worry about it.

[_ktg_]

Chiming in here to add me to the list of not telling her again - you did once and that is fair, now its about keeping you, your DD and little bean safe.

I'm cheering for you and your kiddos over here

[Latte Mama]

NO do not tell her, not your problem. I know you care about your DSS but you and your kids must come first mama.

[kblackstone444]

OMG, you're pregnant?! Where the Hell have I been?!

I know how much you care about your stepdaughter- kinda like me and my stepdaughter- but I'm sorry to say, but care for your stepdaughter this summer is not your problem, it's her Mothers. (Why would she want her there anyways if he's abusive?!) Right now, you need to do what's safest for your own two children. You know how much I love my own stepdaughter, so I don't say this lightly, but like mine, your stepdaughter already has a Mother looking out for what's best for her. Your children only have you. You need to make them top priority, no matter how much it hurts you to "desert" your stepdaughter.