How to deal peacefully with dd's possible new step-mother?

[Ravensong13]

I have a 2 year old dd. Her father and I were never married and were only together from the time dd was conceived until a few months before her first birthday. We have had a tumultuous relationship to say the least, but are now using a parenting consultant to work through our issues for the sake of dd. My current issue is how to deal with his fiance( new) who very obviously hates me. I have never personally met her, I have a hands off policy with his girlfriends because they do not really stay in the picture for very long. It is now starting to look like this woman will be in my dd's life for a long time and I would like to have some sort of healthy relationship with her. I know, from ex's past girlfriends telling me, that he tends to tell girlfriends some untrue things about me in order to keep us from talking to each other. His new Fiance has taken to writing veiled threats about me on facebook ( I know, immature that I even look) and I am worried that my dd may be taking the brunt of her resentment.
Does anyone have any experience on how to deal with something like this? I am a VERY non confrontational person, I like harmony and for everyone to get a long. Normally I wouldn't bother trying to change her wrongly informed opinion of me, but I worry for what the hostility could do to my dd. I'll take any and all suggestions!!

[DirtRoadMama]

I'd talk to the parenting consultant, and see what they say about her hostility. It doesn't sound like you'll be able to talk to your ex about her, and this really needs to be addressed. An adult should be able to put aside any animosity towards a child's parent and still treat the child well.

Print out the things she is writing, and keep copies. You shouldn't have to send your kid around someone who is going to be mean to them.

[mama2toomany]

Sigh, I am the "other women" I married my dh, and became a stepmother, but in ways I am more a mother to dss then his mother, by her choice.

In the beginning I had this fairytale fantasy, that I was going to be the awesome stepmom, to dss and his mother, I wanted to get along so badly, because me and my ex got along great.

I didn't want to be that other women who hated biomom, and have biomom hate me.

I tried to include her, I always had dss make her things for bday, xmas, mothers day.. you name it. I tried very hard to include her.

I think it may be a little different for us, she never had a true relationship with my dh, it was a one night stand, two drunk people not thinking straight. In reality they hated each other. Still do and still do not talk, I do the talking for them.

But in the end, I didn't get the fairytale, she let me know that in no uncertain terms she does not want to know me, she doesn't want to talk to dh, and she only wants to see dss when she wants to see him.

I think I was really trying to go into it, in a non threatening manner, I am not trying to take your child from you, I respect you as his mother... but in the end, she didn't care, she doesn't want to be a mom.


I would probably try to get to know her, try to be polite, especially for your dd, I think your doing awesome having a mediator for you and your ex. I think you are taking the right steps.

In the end your ex's partner/wife/gf will have a big place in your child's life. I would attempt to get along as best as you can without totally ditching your morals or bending over backwards and being taken advantage of or disrespected.

Big Hugs.

[Ravensong13]

Originally Posted by DirtRoadMama

I'd talk to the parenting consultant, and see what they say about her hostility. It doesn't sound like you'll be able to talk to your ex about her, and this really needs to be addressed. An adult should be able to put aside any animosity towards a child's parent and still treat the child well.

Print out the things she is writing, and keep copies. You shouldn't have to send your kid around someone who is going to be mean to them.

I keep copies of everything. It's hard to prove it's stuff about me, although I know it is because it is timed with arguments/disagreements with my dd's father. I've told our expeditor about my concerns and she's looking into them. I take dd to a therapist for some other behaviors and I've told her as well of my concerns.

[Ravensong13]

I would probably try to get to know her, try to be polite, especially for your dd, I think your doing awesome having a mediator for you and your ex. I think you are taking the right steps.

In the end your ex's partner/wife/gf will have a big place in your child's life. I would attempt to get along as best as you can without totally ditching your morals or bending over backwards and being taken advantage of or disrespected.

Big Hugs.[/QUOTE]



I've been on the other end of things as well( ex has a son who I stayed home with for half of each month) so I know how it can be to be a step-mother of sorts. I'm fully prepared for her to have a role in dd's life, god I would WELCOME her to have a healthy role, I just don't know how to open the lines of communication, kwim? I've thought about writing her an email to say hello etc. I know they are engaged and living together, although I was never informed and ex still refers to her as his gf or so in my presence. I'm thinking she may feel hostile because he is not fully disclosing the nature of their relationship to me?

[DirtRoadMama]

It sounds like you are doing everything you can, short of getting to know her personally. Since you ex doesn't seem to want you to know her, I don't know how you could get around that.

Has your DD been spending time with her? Have you ever seen them interacting? Maybe she doesn't like you, but doesn't let it carry over?

I've been in the fiance's position, except I never said anything negative about her. So, I always tried to make sure their mom saw me smiling and saying hello when the kids arrived, and saw me smiling and saying goodbye when they left. She and I had no contact, and I wanted her to know that I liked her kids and was being nice to them. Also, whenever the two of them fought, I stayed out of it, but I usually only knew his side of the story. I have enough presence of mind to know that there are two sides, so I usually tried to talk him down from his anger and gently show him another side. There were times, however, that she was clearly in the wrong, and it would make me angry. Have there been any instances where you were in the wrong, and it might give his railing against you carry more weight? For example, sometimes the kids' mom would be hours late to pick them up, drop them off, send them with dirty laundry as their "weekend clothes" (and sometimes a whole lawn garbage bag full of the past two weeks of dirty laundry as their "weekend clothes"), never shared holidays or other special days (there was no visitation schedule, as they were never married and he didn't have money for a lawyer), just things that might have had a good reason, but were hurtful and could be taken as spite or malice. And when you don't have both sides of a story, everything looks hurtful and malicious.

Now, I never allowed any negative things to be said about their mom when the kids were in the house. I had to shut him up several times before he stopped ranting about her in front of them, or saying mean things about her to them. Your ex's fiance may not be mature enough to do that, or she might. Perhaps her facebook is her way of venting? It might just be her age showing.

Anyway, how does your DD react to her?

[Ravensong13]

Now, I never allowed any negative things to be said about their mom when the kids were in the house. I had to shut him up several times before he stopped ranting about her in front of them, or saying mean things about her to them. Your ex's fiance may not be mature enough to do that, or she might. Perhaps her facebook is her way of venting? It might just be her age showing.

Anyway, how does your DD react to her?[/QUOTE]

DD has told me that she was hitting. DD has acted out spanking on one of her dolls that she names as herself and says, " **** is hitting". I know that she is pro-spanking ( although she has no kids of her own). DD doesn't seem to react to her at all when the Fiancee is along for drop offs or pick ups. I know that dd's father will yell about me in front of dd( main reason I left him was because of abuse). He told his son when I left that I was leaving because I didn't love them anymore... you get the picture. DD will also act out toys yelling, " not my mommy" or " I want my mommy" and then getting smacked.


It's a hard situation on two points. We're still having these things dd says investigated, but in the meantime I want to make things with the new woman better. I try to smile and be polite when I do see her. It is usually met with glares and angry looks from the car though.

[DirtRoadMama]

Oh, NO STINKIN WAY!!! That is completely unacceptable! No one has the right to discipline anyone else's child physically (time-outs, fine, spanking, NO STINKIN WAY!)

Forget being nice. Focus on not letting your daughter go over there.

Keep up the smile and politeness - just to not add fuel to the fire in the mean time.

[VocalMinority]

I think it's nice that you want to get along with her. Often, the resentment goes the other way, I think.

If you make pointed overtures of friendliness, she may actually feel threatened by them, especially if your ex has told her things that make her not like you. In other words, she may feel like you're trying to trick her; or work her up to taking your side against him in some way; or that you're hoping to gain her confidence and subvert her relationship with your ex.

I have a negative relationship with my husband's ex. In my case, it's not just due to things he's told me (which might be biased). I've been around for much of what has happened and have had some personal experience with her. Nevertheless, whenever she seems suddenly nice and friendly, it's stomach-churning for me, wondering what her real purpose is and why the sudden change? Past experience tells me there's good reason for me to feel that way, but it's always possible she has truly changed her attitude about me (as you have, toward the fiancee) and I'm just unreceptive.

The simple passage of time - with no hostile, crazy behavior from you - and simple, small gestures of goodwill such as smiles, waves, friendly greetings; maybe giving her some token "from your daughter" on Christmas, Mothers' Day and her birthday... those things might be a better path toward making her see you're not the enemy, as opposed to, say, an impassioned letter or phone call trying to make up with her.

FTR, my step-son lives with us and I have a great relationship with him, regardless of my lack of affinity for his mom. Unless you're aware of something specific, you shouldn't assume the fiancee is less than kind to your daughter. I know my husband's ex assumes that I'm not friendly to her son, but she couldn't be further from the truth.

[violet_]

Originally Posted by DirtRoadMama

Oh, NO STINKIN WAY!!! That is completely unacceptable! No one has the right to discipline anyone else's child physically (time-outs, fine, spanking, NO STINKIN WAY!)

Forget being nice. Focus on not letting your daughter go over there.

Keep up the smile and politeness - just to not add fuel to the fire in the mean time.

Unfortunately, she can't really do that (unless there's no order). In our case, for example, DSD's and DSS's mother allows her *friends* (yes, as in girlfriends she hangs out with), to spank the kids (her friend even hit DSD when she was a toddler!), and while we find it objectionable, there's nothing we can do as it's legal. So if there's a custody/visitation order, this isn't a battle she'll win.

OP: Focus on being friendly with the fiance, and things will go better. Don't assume the FB stuff is about you (it may be, but who cares -- just stay off her page and try to put it out of your head). Just try to be nice to her, friendly when you see her, and things can improve. However, remember it's not all about you, so if she just doesn't want to like you, she may not. I tried everything with my DSC's mother, but it did me no good. She's just a bitter person and that is not about me. Was it a waste of time? No, not really, because now I know I tried. I had to at least make an attempt.

[Latte Mama]

Forum crashing. Wait a sec... This chick (fiancee), who is technically no relation to her child, is legally allowed to HIT HER???? No freakin' way. What is the line in the sand???
I think I would go crazy if my STBX had a GF that tried this.

[DirtRoadMama]

violet, I should have clarified. I meant to say, OP, is there any legal way you can keep your DD away from there? Is there a visitation order? I know you said there are people looking into the allegations; is there hope that it will lead to something?

This is one of the many, many reasons I didn't get married to my DD's father. I knew I'd get complete custody if we remained unmarried, and he doesn't have the money to ever fight me in court for visitation. Oh, OP, this just breaks my heart for you.

[Ravensong13]

Originally Posted by DirtRoadMama

violet, I should have clarified. I meant to say, OP, is there any legal way you can keep your DD away from there? Is there a visitation order? I know you said there are people looking into the allegations; is there hope that it will lead to something?

This is one of the many, many reasons I didn't get married to my DD's father. I knew I'd get complete custody if we remained unmarried, and he doesn't have the money to ever fight me in court for visitation. Oh, OP, this just breaks my heart for you.

Thanks It's been hard to deal with. I stopped visitation for a while, but was told by our expeditor to start it back up again. The therapist she was seeing couldn't pin point what exactly was going on, so without her backing I have to send dd. It did stop the overnights which I feel is where a great deal of the conflict was coming from. DD is getting better, and her father has been pushed into enrolling in his court appointed domestic abuse courses. He's also been vide taping their visits to prove that he's not doing anything to her. This pleases me because I know from experience that he behaves when he thinks the courts or whomever are keeping tabs on him. I think the courses and visiting the parenting consultant will go a long way into making this a better situation for dd. She is also starting to tell me more about her visits when she gets home, so if anything else happens she will be taken seriously by people with authority. It takes all of my will power to not go solely on my maternal instincts of wanting to keep her away. I just keep telling myself that she deserves a better father and I will try my hardest to get him to improve and be what she deserves.


As for the fiancee situation, I think I am just going to take it easy, be nice ( but not too nice as one of you had said, lol) and down the road when the relationship with dd's father improves I'll work on getting to know her as well.