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Mama in desperate need of advice. Don't want to be a mom anymore.-UPDATE page 5

post #1 of 90
Thread Starter 
I am posting under a new username but I am a long time member here. This is so hard to post but I need some serious help mamas. Or at least someone to say they understand. I don't even know where to start.

I have two sons, 4 and 1. I feel like I have been emotionally unstable for most of my adult life. Lately I have feel like I have almost gone off the deep end. Most of the time I really don't feel how I can go on. I'm mean to my kids, I've smacked my older son lots of times (which doesn't work). I yell, ALOT. How does one be a parent and not yell?? I do not get hardly ANY joy out of parenting and sometimes I wish I had never had kids. My relationship with my partner is kind of in the toilet. I have no motivation to do anything.

My older son I feel has some serious issues or maybe they just seem serious to me. He jumps around on the furniture all day long (after preschool in the am). He doesn't listen pretty much AT ALL. He could be looking right at you and you say something and you say, "what did I say?" and he says "I don't know". Or you try to tell him, hey you just <jumped on me>, <knocked over your brother>, <spilled something> and he'll be like "but I...<insert some kind of excuse>" At preschool and home he is very rigid and wants things to be just so. He's always yelling, "don't talk to me!" "dont' look at me" and gets crying mad when it's time to clean up. He's been going to preschool for TWO years! I just don't know what to do with him. I feel I let him play too much Wii or watch too many movies but I don't know what else to do because I am so lost I can't even function. Sick of incessant questions, why, why, why???? Sick of him running around the house yelling the same thing over and over. Sick of I want, I want, I want. I'm very sensitive to noise. Younger one is ok, but gets into everything and I just don't have the energy for him. All I want to do all day is surf the internet. Dinner usually gets made but generally not much cleaning gets done.

I started taking an antidepressant about 2-3 weeks ago and that hasn't helped at all. I've tried supplementation, but I can't stick with it. I've been seeing a counselor for a few months, isn't really helping. I get out and get "me" time, doesn't seem to matter, I'm still really irritated when I get home.

Mostly, my kids just irritate the crap out of me. Everything does really. I'm just not happy and I don't know how to be.

I know everyone says, this will pass, they will only be little once, blah, blah, blah, but how do I SURVIVE till then? Every night when I go to sleep I think tomorrow will be the day when I have it all together and want to play with my kids and be ms. happy homemaker, but it never happens. And I do try and get out of the house and do stuff, but sometimes it is almost too stressful to do that. I just DON't want to be a mom anymore!! I'm so tired of being needed. And I suppose it doesn't help being online and reading everyone else's life story about how they crafted this and gentle disciplined that all the while cooking wonderfully healthy meals that their kid ate and spotlessly cleaning their house without tv or video games. How the F*^&*^ do people do that???

I thought I wanted to homeschool and it seems like it is the best way to go, but I just don't think I can do it without going over the edge. I feel like I can't focus on more than one thing at a time. Either healthy eating (DS1 has been tested for food sensitivites and just about EVERYTHING is on the list) OR my relationship (I have NO libido), OR parenting OR cleaning the house but I CANNOT do it all at the same time. I suppose I could half-ass them all, but then everything is suffering.

How do I get through this? How do I forgive myself for being an awful mother? I know all the usual things people will say, don't be so hard on yourself, read this book, etc. But how do I actually DO it? I am a perfectionist and I just don't know how to get over it. I try to tell myself it doesn't matter, all that matters is I love my kids, but I still have huge nagging guilt in the back of my mind every day.

Sorry for the long rambly post but I just needed to get this out there and hopefully someone can make it better.
post #2 of 90


I am sorry that you are paralyzed from moving forward. I won't presume to give you any advice because I think you are doing what you need to do by going for counselling.

Your labelling yourself as a perfectionist speaks volumes.

For me I learned that I needed to be "good enough", not perfect and that provided a lot of freedom.

There is not one person in MDC or irl that have it all together. None, not one.
Perhaps what you are hearing in people's posts who seem to have it all, is that they have found contentment with the way they are doing things.

-Melanie
post #3 of 90
I am right there, too. I'm not impressed with my mothering lately, but maybe it's because i'm finally getting better at cleaning! *sigh* I'm also a perfectionist, so I can totally understand that all-or-nothing feeling.

Honestly, I think it's just about half-assing it. It really is. In my experience, life is about lowering standards and making do. It's not fun (especially for those of us who would rather give up than do it "wrong"), but it is what it is. I guess I feel like once I let go a bit and tried to give myself permission to half-ass things, I did that for a while, but now I'm getting better at keeping myself together. Maybe it just took practice but I needed to give myself that permission to be doing it "wrong" before I could get to a place where I could practice properly?

It's a process... you know the saying, "life's a journey and not a destination"? I have a really hard time living by that, but I am realizing that it really is true.

Not sure that's really helpful, but there it is. I'll be looking forward to other people's practical responses!
post #4 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by guestmama-001 View Post
And I suppose it doesn't help being online and reading everyone else's life story about how they crafted this and gentle disciplined that all the while cooking wonderfully healthy meals that their kid ate and spotlessly cleaning their house without tv or video games. How the F*^&*^ do people do that???(
For what it's worth, I strongly suspect that many of those posts you're talking about are more in the realms of fantasy than in reality. Anyone can be perfect online.

If I were in your position, I would get a job. It sounds like you really need a break from your situation.
post #5 of 90
Sent you a pm..
post #6 of 90


I'm so sorry you're going through so much. I just wanted to mention that it can take 6-8 weeks for antidepressants to 'kick in'. If you feel like it really isn't working, talk to your psychiatrist and ask to be switched to a different antidepressant. You owe it to yourself to find something that works for you!

Also, have you talked to your doctor about any of this? There could be something else going on (thyroid issue, fatigue, etc.) that could be easily remedied and help you out enormously.

You aren't an awful mother at all. You're doing the absolute best things that you can do, which are realizing there's a problem and going to see a psychiatrist and counsellor. Do you have a strong support system? I really, really hope you find a counsellor and antidepressant that work for you!
post #7 of 90
I don't know anything about four-year-olds yet (I'm burying my head in the sand for a year until I have one), so I can't suggest anything from that perspective. But is it possible that you would be better-suited to working outside the home and using a nanny or daycare? Your post reads like The Feminine Mystique, and yes, that's a little retro, but it was written for a reason. Those of us who WOH or go to school full-time are awesome moms too , and not everyone is suited to SAH and/ or homeschool.

I'm not saying you HAVE to get a job. Obviously if the idea of WOH sounds even worse to you than what you are currently doing, and you have the option, don't WOH! But if the idea fills you with relief, that absolutely does NOT make you any less of a mother. Working and having your children in a good solid care situation is a NORMAL thing that is actually more common than not. It's easy at MDC to get the idea that "everyone but me is able to SAH happily" but that isn't actually the way it is-- most mothers WOH whether by necessity or by choice, these days. Even if you're in Canada with a big huge maternity leave, one year is a normal time to go back to work IF it's what you want to do.

As for the antidepressant, most of those should start working after a couple of weeks. If yours doesn't start working soon, you may want to ask your doc about trying a different one.
post #8 of 90
My gut reaction to all of this is “Where is your husband in all of this?” Are you a single mother? You said your relationship is in the toilet, but you never mentioned a husband, boyfriend, your kids father. ANY KIND OF SUPPORT SYSTEM. If there isn’t anyone, and you are doing this all alone. WELL NO FREAKING WONDER your at your whits end. Who on earth, do you know, does it all on their own and is HAPPY? Ive never met anyone.

Now, if you HAVE a husband, who lives with you and is the father of your children, and your marriage is in trouble, I would have to assume your older son is reacting to the tension between you and your husband, and acting out as a result. And then you aren’t getting the support you need to deal with that, and so the downward spiral continues.

How the heck do people do it? WITH LOTS OF HELP. Plain and simple. You sound tapped out emotionally, mama. I know what it feels like to feel like a horrible mother. I have already thought that about myself, and my kids are only 1.5 and 2.5. I yell more then I should. I hate it, but when you have asked the same thing for the 17th time, or answered the same question, or heard the name mommy for 45 mins straight, you start to see spots. Especially when your husband is either NOT home, or also in a mood.

For me, I have a hard time being the one that is leaned on ALL.THE.TIME. I want to be able to lean on someone else occasionally, rather then having to be the rock all the time. It helps me find that balance. Do I always get it? HELL to the NO. But atleast I know what I need to help keep me from wanting to jump off a bridge.

And FYI, Homeschooling is not for everyone. Would I like to try it? SURE. Do I think I could do it permenantly? Doubt it. But since I have to work, it doesn’t really matter. I just wanted to let you know that you can do all the research in the world about why homeschooling is the best thing for your kids, that doesn’t mean it is the best thing for YOU.

Big hugs mama. You aren’t alone.
post #9 of 90
I think that you are putting unrealistic expectations on yourself. It is very hard to be happy being a parent when you expect more from yourself and your kids than is realistic. Have you thought about taking a parenting class? I am not trying to say that as a dig on you, sometimes being around other parents helps because you see that you aren't alone in your frustration. They also can have very good advice about getting your household running a little smoother which can really help when you are beyond frustrated with your family. Structure and boundaries are there for the whole family to feel happy, not just for the children. I think that if you are seriously depressed and hating having a family then you should make the changes that you need to make even if they don't fit what some of the posts seem to say on this website. This is a very hard thing to go through and I think it is great that you are recognizing that this isn't what you want and are taking steps to try to make things better. Time will help but it probably won't seem like that until you move through this.

I also want to say that I agree with lolar2 about the job or going to school. I started despising being a parent when my dd was almost two and getting out of the house and going to school full time was the best thing I ever did for both of us. My dd loved her daycare, they were supportive of both of us. Our relationship improved drastically and I have found that I am a better mom when I work or attend school than I am when I stay at home. I think staying at home is a wonderful thing if it is a good fit, but the feminist push against traditional mothering did happen for a reason.
post #10 of 90
A good job and a great daycare may help a lot in your case. I'll get flamed for this but as we all know... working parents see their kids less during the kid's day. If you get home at 5:30 or 6 p.m. ... there's only a couple of hours of dinner, bath and bedtime rituals to deal with. Then, Saturday is shopping and clean the house day. Sunday is for great family outings.

I'm not saying forever. I'm saying that until you get a hold of yourself and your relationships with the other family members.. this could be a great stop-gap measure.

Good luck, mama.
post #11 of 90
I'm going to second the suggestion of daycare and working out of the home. Some people just aren't cut out to be a 24/7 caregiver and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I am constantly confused by the mothers who feel like you do but then say they want to be a stay at home mother and homeschool? Why? Why do you think that it is a better option? Just think, you could get up in the morning, feed your kids some breakfast and get them ready and then take them to a wonderful daycare where they will have the attention the need and the playtime they need. You can go back to work and then at the end of the day you can pick them up and you will likely feel much more ready to deal with child-caring tasks. Only a few hours and then it's bedtime. I really do think this is the best solution from what you've said. I also want to add that homeschooling should be completely taken off the list. I used to homeschool and I felt overwhelmed by child care all the time. Finally I decided to try school for a year and it was such a wonderful decision! My youngest is starting kindergarten this year and I can't wait to have a break from all 3 kids! They are learning, they are thriving, and mommy gets a break. What could be better?
post #12 of 90


I agree with a pp in saying that maybe you want to look into getting a job? Even something part time. I know (for me at least) working helps, it's therapeutic and while I miss DD like crazy when i'm gone I feel like I'm a much better mother than when I'm there all day with her.

I also wanted to add... I was basically the kid in the situation you described. Both my parents at one point or another have gone through some pretty serious depression. It wasn't pretty but it was just for a limited period of time (once when I was about your son's age and another in HS). A lot of other stuff happened I won't go into here but I just wanted to say that it's the big picture that counts. Sure, I remember pretty clearly the bad times but there were a lot of good times that counteract that and that's really made me who I am today. There were enough good times so I could become happily married, get a good degree, have a functioning family etc. DH also had a far from perfect childhood and has turned out wonderfully.

Honestly, I know it's hard but it looks like you are really trying to do the right things here. You're looking for help, trying meds, etc. I wouldn't worry about damaging your kids, because kids DO jump back. Nobody is perfect and even moms that look perfect from the outside, well, they might have gone through A LOT of tough spots to get where they are today. It's really a learning experience and looking back there's a ton of things I would change but I see DD and I know she's loved despite my flaws, which is by far the most important thing.

Hang in there, continue to look for help. If that counselor isn't working try and find another. Seriously, I'd look into the job thing, though, too. It's OK not to be the perfect SAHM, I really feel that some of us aren't cut out for it.

ETA: Ok, I'm not sure your feelings on this but I'll just throw this out there too... have you ever read the Feminine Mystique?
post #13 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post
A good job and a great daycare may help a lot in your case. I'll get flamed for this but as we all know... .
So true! Not everyone can home school! You should not feel bad about this!
post #14 of 90
If jobs in your area are scarce and/ or really awful, you might also consider getting a part-time mother's helper or something like that, funds permitting.
post #15 of 90
First of all Guestmama, let me apologize for my own posts here at MDC which I admit are sometimes on the bragging side. I try to avoid this but the puffery shows through sometimes, and I imagine that I'm not the only one who has these tendencies. I tend to be very careful about how much time I spend here, because more often than not I leave MDC feeling a little overwhelmed by the the various mantras of "I do what's best" or the laundry lists of accomplishments. I do come to MDC for the simple fact that I don't have a lot of friends with children and my family is not near.

I am also a perfectionist but I have learned to pick and choose my battles. Simply because I don't homeschool or that I work doesn't make me loser. Rather, I focus on the positive aspects of how I parent and how well I balance my choices. You are grading yourself on parenting choices that others have deemed as "best" instead of making parenting choices that you know will work for you, your circumstances and personality, and then fine tuning those choices. I would step back and take a good hard look at how you are trying to define good mothering. Are you starting with a checklist of dos and don'ts (based on outside sources) or are you looking deep within yourself and identifying those things that make you miserable and happy and working from those points? The PPs are right, you are not alone.
post #16 of 90
And I'll throw in another and a for the last few pps. We women were not meant to do this alone!

Re. your 4 y.o's preschool, have you looking into putting him in a montessori program? There is almost no schedule there. He will not have to move on to another activity until he is good and ready and maybe there will be some older kids in his classroom that will be like an older sibling role model that he doesn't have. Also, besides academic endeavors, they learn to do domestic, everyday chores as if the classroom was their home, so maybe he will have more respect in the house. And they take kids young so your 1 y.o. might possibly be old enough to enter their school too (a lot start at 18 months). All that is conjecture, I just visited an incredible montessori school last week and wish I had started now-4-y.o. son there when he was 18 months.
post #17 of 90
Could it be that you have clinical depression? You really sound hopeless, which can be a sign. Take care of yourself.

Also, perfect families do not exist. Even those who claim that they are x, y, and z have days where those ideals flee from them.
post #18 of 90
Thread Starter 
Thank you everyone. Really. Reading your posts has brought me to tears. I KNOW all of these things mentally, but I can't seem to get my heart to agree.

My dp was laid off about a month ago so he is around. Frankly he's been doing A LOT around here which has been nice. Which also makes me feel bad because he seems to do things so effortlessly and I wonder why I can't. He has put up with a lot from me. I mean, it must be really hard to live with someone like me. Now that he is home more, he is starting to read the books I have been wanting him to read about relationships and parenting. Now I am the one who needs them.

I do have a support system, my mom and sister and I are very close and I have a couple of friends. But I really hate complaining to all of them, they are almost all single mothers and I feel like I should have nothing to complain about. Plus my mom is one of those types that's just like, suck it up. My older ds can go stay at a grandma's or auntie's for a weekend and he likes to do that.

I have felt that since dp is laid off I could look into getting a job. But that would affect my healthcare, meaning I would get kicked off the state program and then he is looking for a job so he needs to go to interviews and be able to go to work. His earning potential is twice what mine is. When my older son was a baby I did go back to school and earned my bachelors. Then right after I graduated I got pg with #2 and that's what I've been doing since. I do feel like I miss having school to go to but it also makes me really sad thinking of shipping my baby off to a daycare. Plus I get really overwhelmed when thinking about looking for a job, interviewing, all that stuff. I think a job would be nice, but I am so petrified to start that process. Plus I have no experience in my field so whatever I would be able to do would be entry level.

I know that I am not cut out for homeschooling, but I can't wrap my head around it.

I just feel so overwhelmed with life and all the options out there. It seems so complicated, making any decision is like a huge challenge.
post #19 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by guestmama-001 View Post
Thank you everyone. Really. Reading your posts has brought me to tears. I KNOW all of these things mentally, but I can't seem to get my heart to agree.

My dp was laid off about a month ago so he is around. Frankly he's been doing A LOT around here which has been nice. Which also makes me feel bad because he seems to do things so effortlessly and I wonder why I can't. He has put up with a lot from me. I mean, it must be really hard to live with someone like me. Now that he is home more, he is starting to read the books I have been wanting him to read about relationships and parenting. Now I am the one who needs them.

I do have a support system, my mom and sister and I are very close and I have a couple of friends. But I really hate complaining to all of them, they are almost all single mothers and I feel like I should have nothing to complain about. Plus my mom is one of those types that's just like, suck it up. My older ds can go stay at a grandma's or auntie's for a weekend and he likes to do that.

I have felt that since dp is laid off I could look into getting a job. But that would affect my healthcare, meaning I would get kicked off the state program and then he is looking for a job so he needs to go to interviews and be able to go to work. His earning potential is twice what mine is. When my older son was a baby I did go back to school and earned my bachelors. Then right after I graduated I got pg with #2 and that's what I've been doing since. I do feel like I miss having school to go to but it also makes me really sad thinking of shipping my baby off to a daycare. Plus I get really overwhelmed when thinking about looking for a job, interviewing, all that stuff. I think a job would be nice, but I am so petrified to start that process. Plus I have no experience in my field so whatever I would be able to do would be entry level.

I know that I am not cut out for homeschooling, but I can't wrap my head around it.

I just feel so overwhelmed with life and all the options out there. It seems so complicated, making any decision is like a huge challenge.
You wouldn't be shipping your baby off. You would pick a daycare that you think is a good fit for your family so that you can focus on getting yourself to a good place. Babies do thrive in daycare. They do. It wouldn't mean you don't love your child. Ask any working mom on here if they love their child. Of course they do. But the situation you are in is not working for anyone so something needs to change.
In regards to the homeschooling, what can't you wrap your head around? School is not bad. It really isn't. I recommend stop reading on the homeschooling board at all. That's what I had to do when I was making my decision. When I decided to send my kids to school I felt like a horrible failure and was sure all sorts of terrible things would befall them. Boy, was I wrong! It has been a wonderful experience for them. They are happy, they are thriving, and they are getting so many life experiences that I would not be able to provide them. Your children will do just fine in school, and in daycare if you decide to go that route. And you will be less stressed, which will enable you to work on becoming the mom that you really want to be.
post #20 of 90

I can relate, truly.

If it's at all possible, this is the kind of situation where it's okay to demand help. Husband, friends, family... it's never nice to tell people stuff like this, but you might need to just say "I am at a crisis point and I need you to help me for the next month so I can get through this. When can you take the kids?"

If you can get the computer turned off during the day, that might make a huge difference. When I'm struggling I get really addicted to the computer, and it's a vicious cycle because the social aspect draws me in. I try to stay out of the house as much as possible, going to free mom drop ins and stuff.

You can't do it all. No one can. It will get better.

eta: sorry, I cross posted with you and didn't see your last post so some of this is redundant. I still want to give you though
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