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Mama in desperate need of advice. Don't want to be a mom anymore.-UPDATE page 5 - Page 2

post #21 of 90
Dont' feel bad about the homeschool thing. You are not alone in those feelings. I had grand plans to homeschool my children too, but now the thought of having everyone home all day with me is enough to make me . My dd is starting to K in the fall and I am very excited for it .
post #22 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by guestmama-001 View Post
I graduated I got pg with #2 and that's what I've been doing since. I do feel like I miss having school to go to but it also makes me really sad thinking of shipping my baby off to a daycare.
You have to try to get past this line of thinking.

I do not feel like I just ship my kids off to daycare. Is that what you would think of me if I told you I worked full time and my kids went to daycare full time? Prolly not right? You would just consider me a hard working mama doing what I needed to do so that we were all happy and healthy and well provided for. RIght?

There is no shame in daycare. Why do you think it is such a boomin business?
post #23 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by guestmama-001 View Post
And I suppose it doesn't help being online and reading everyone else's life story about how they crafted this and gentle disciplined that all the while cooking wonderfully healthy meals that their kid ate and spotlessly cleaning their house without tv or video games. How the F*^&*^ do people do that???
I have this problem, too. I just want to point out that MDC seems like a monolith sometimes. But, the moms posting about their perfect housekeeping routine, and the moms posting about their all-from-scratch-all-organic cooking (the "make my own bread, pasta, dressings, jams, etc. etc. etc. level), and the moms posting about their flawless gentle discipline, and the moms posting about their awesome daily crafts, and the moms posting about their twice daily outings, and the moms posting about hours of activism/advocacy - they're not all the same moms.

I'm sure lots of MDC moms have it together better than I do. I've struggled with depression. I've crawled into a hole a lot (usually over my c-sections and/or Aaron). I procrastinate like crazy about a lot of things, especially housework. I'm not terribly patient. I cook from scratch, but not always. But, the thing is - even the moms who have it together only have 24 hours in a day. Even if I didn't spend as much time online as I do (and I'm getting better as the baby gets older - yay!), I'd still only have 24 hours a day. If I spend it on outings, I'm not here to cook and clean. If I spend it crafting with the kids, I'm making more messes. If I spend it cooking and cleaning, the kids are off doing...whatever.

And, mama - your youngest is only 1. A very wise MDC mama in our local tribe told me once that the first two years are about survival. MDC is loaded with idealists. That's not a bad thing - but we need to accept that sometime our vision of a perfect life (and we all have one) just isn't practical. Perfectionism is really bad for people. It's taken me a lot of years to accept that I really can't, and shouldn't, demand perfection from myself. I don't demand it from anyone else...

mama.
post #24 of 90
MAN OP, I feel just like you do, maybe not quite to the same degree. On a scale from 1 to 10, if you're a 9, then I'm a 7. I'm not quite to the point where I don't want to be a mom, but I am at the point where I feel like I am sucking at it and I need about a three week vacation from life. And while I agree with some of the suggestions about getting a job, I think it has to be something that you really want to do. Even though I feel just like you do, the thought of working out of the home brings me no sense of relief. I would hate being away from my kids all day--even though they make me crazy! It would just be one more thing for me to feel guilty about. I am that person who wants to be a SAHM, just isn't doing it well at the moment. And at least for me, the kids are not the problem, they are a symptom. They are the object of my stress because I am with them the most. BUT, my honest feeling is that if I can get the other parts of my life in order, then the kid part won't be so hard. Everything else in my life is draining me of the resources I need to be a good parent. I am also a perfectionist. I read once that there is something called the "frustrated perfectionist." Those are the people that are perfectionist at heart, but can't make it happen so they are a total train wreck! That's me. I'm really ready to try to get out of the funk, so I'll tell you what I'm going to try.....

One thing I am trying to do is organize my life. I am going to organize my life into categories like: Parenting, housekeeping, nutrition, marriage, spiritual life. Those are my main areas of interest. The things I would LOVE to perfect! I need to make a plan for each of those areas. I need to make baby steps in each area. Like housekeeping, I am going to try to really clean one room each day until I can get to the point of maintenance and then maybe I will revise the plan. For nutrition, I'm going to attempt meal planning dinners, simple recipes, but have a plan so that I know what i have to do. Parenting: Today I will try my best not to YELL at my kids. Just for today. I hope you get what I mean. Part of my perfectionism is crying out for some order, and ordering my thoughts seem like the first logical step.

Also, about surfing the web, I like that too. And part of the reason my kids make me so crazy is, first, when I'm on the computer, they are not getting any attention and they will do what they need to to get it. And that usually means, whine, act up, or fight. Also, when I'm on the computer, I get MORE frustrated with them, because they are taking something from ME by whining, etc. It's selfishness on my part. Don't bother ME while I'm looking at nothing on the computer. I would really like to impose a rule on myself that the computer is only for when they are asleep. I need boundaries on that or else I'm just self-indulging at their expense. I don't want my kids to remember me as the mom who wouldn't play with them because I was always on the computer.

Next, I just ran across a thread that has been ongoing for years on MDC. It's in the p.p. depression forum, but it's title is something like, "true natural remedy for ppd." If you can, read some of that. Some of those women have gotten serious relief using supplements, but you have to make it a priority. I would give ANYTHING to not feel like the apathetic, rage-filled, mother I am now. Taking some vitamins every day seems like a very simple thing I can do for the sake of my kids and my sanity.

And last, I have a 4yo too and your ds doesn't sound out of the ordinary for age 4. Yes, it is a very annoying age in many ways! I totally get it. I just want you to know that and nothing sounds like a huge issue to me. My ds went though a long phase of "don't talk to me and don't look at me!" I remember it clearly

BIG to you mama. I am so right there with you.
post #25 of 90
I could be you - if I had not gotten help pre-mommyhood. I still have times when I feel like i'm DONE, but it's all minor and I know how to cope.

I was always unhappy and a terrible perfectionist. I beat myself up about everything. Right before I got married, I had some truly bad moments with DH (I would scream and throw things and say awful things - things that if he had said to me would have made me leave).

Anyway, one day I saw an infomercial for a self help program called "Attacking Anxiety and Depression" and after I watched the whole 30 min thing crying, I realized that those people felt the way I did. I got the program, followed it, and it changed my life, seriously.

The thing to remember with therapy is that there are different approaches. Find one that works. I saw a therapist once, and it made me worse - I basically just talked about everything that made me feel bad, which made me feel bad - and I never did anything but vent. The AA&D program worked really well with my personality, because it gave me specific tasks and ways to change my thought process and behavior. (Parts of the program hurt for sure - but I made progress from day 1). There was also a HUGE part about managing expectations - and it sounds like you do not know how to do that (I've been there!). You expect yourself to be a perfect SAHM, eat healthy, blah blah, and set youself up to fail. And you can learn not to do that.

Believe it or not, you can and will get better. PM me if you want more info about the AA&D program I used.
post #26 of 90
My child is almost grown now, so, I didn't feel at all like this when she was little. But, I feel like it now. I just feel like I'm done parenting. But, then, I'm also done with everything else.

I can't even finish a book because I can't focus on it.

I can kinda understand how you feel.


I don't think homeschooling, or even being a stay at home mom is always the best thing. It's just not for everyone. Kids thrive and do wonderfully in daycare, and public schools. It's like saying You can't be a good mom if you send your kids to public school. If other kids are doing well, why wouldn't yours? My daughter went to good schools in a great neighborhood, and had an amazing school experience. I couldn't have ever come close to matching what she got in school. I am just not cut out for homeschooling. I don't like it.

You don't have to do it all. You don't have to be everything to everyone. You CAN delagate some of your load. Once you get control of the medicine, things will feel better and you will be able to handle more. It's OK that you can't right now. I have heard that the medicine doesn't get into your system that quickly. And, that it might take a few tries to get it right.

I wish you well, I hope things get better quickly for you.

It's just a quick fix, and not a long term solution, but can you go to Hi Health and check into their stress line of products? They have some things that really do help. But, they are only temporary.
post #27 of 90
Your youngest is 1? How long have you felt this way? When talking with your counselor, has anyone mentioned PPD? You mentioned that you are taking an antidepressant, but that it doesn't seem to be helping. Know that it can take a lot of trial and error to get the right AD.

After my younger one was born, I did develop some PPD. I tried to deny that's what it was for a long time-I felt crappy because my tooth hurt, I felt crappy because we had financial stress, I felt crappy because the baby cried all the time etc etc etc. I finally went to the dr when she was 8 months old. We tried a couple different ADs-Paxil sent me to the ER with a bad reaction, Wellbutrin not only didn't help but made me really anxious and I ended up with Xanex on top of that, then I went to risperdal (I think that was it.) That seemed to work for a while, then the side effects got to me. I went off on my own, which I DO NOT recommend, I knew I shouldn't have done it. Then I go pg right away and that actually helped. All that to say that just because what you are on now isn't helping ot stablize you, that doesn't mean that there isn't something that can help.

As far as your older one's "issues" I do't know that there really are issues, I think from what you posted it sounds like he might be reacting to his environment-if you are letting them play Wii or watch movies and yelling a lot, that can certainly affect behavior. And that's not to say that I am against Wii or movies at all, just that it sounds like it's hard for you to get involved with them and that does have an effect.

I think that like a previous poster said, your post reads like there might be some depression involved. I think that if you can find some help to get stablized emotionally first, then you would be able to take hold of the reins a little more.
post #28 of 90
Oh darling. You sound so depressed. I could have written your post word for word a while ago! You are not alone! Alot of mothers feel overwhelmed but it's so easy on the internet to just write about the good things and not the bad.

Firstly, I would call your doctor and tell them how you are feeling. They may get you to wait and see how you go on the AD, they may tell you to up your dosage or they may try you on something else.

Secondly, therapy takes time. Unfortunately it's not an instant fix. I can't tell you how many times I wished I could just wake up one morning and be magically fixed and 'normal'. I wish there was a magic pill, I really do!

Your 4yo sounds pretty normal from your original post. I would say, having been there myself, is that some of the behaviour could be down to not getting enough attention. I have been there, I know how hard it is. I would suggest just giving him five minutes undivided attention during the day. Read a book, have a cuddle, build some blocks. You don't need to spend hours playing with him, you would be surprised how much difference a few five minute blocks a day can make.

Get some exercise. I knooooow this is so hard to do when you hardly have the motivation to get out of bed, but it does work! Don't worry about running, or even power walking, just get out and stroll around the block. Build up speed and distance as you start to feel better. 20 mins of exercise improves your mood for 12 hours!! That's pretty amazing!

Lastly, the thing that really helped me was just to suck it up. I KNOW that sounds wrong, and goes against everything people say about emotions and depression etc but it does help. I just had to give myself pep talks CONSTANTLY. When all I wanted to do was sit on the internet and avoid the kids and the housework I would tell myself to 'suck it up. Get going. It needs to be done. If you don't do it, no one else will!' and the more I did the more motivation I actually got and the better I felt. It sometimes takes every single ounce of strength I have but it really is better in the end.

Please call your doctor. I'm not sure what it's like where you are, but I was amazed at the amount of services that were offered to people like us. Respite care, cleaners, classes, so many things!
post #29 of 90
from another perfectionist mama of a 4yo (and her 2yo protege). You are so not alone. 4 is a really tough age, I think. In fact, up until about 3 months ago, I was all ready to homeschool. Then I got to the point where I just felt so overwhelmed. I just felt responsible for so much for the kids--nutrition, laundry, sports, therapies, social life, survival--adding education on top of that is A LOT. Plus, sometimes you just get tired of spending so much energy pleading and negotiating with a 4yo. I bet there are plenty of MDC moms who were going to homeschool but now they can't wait for August. Just because you let someone else handle the bulk of the educating doesn't mean you are any less devoted or committed to your kids.
post #30 of 90
I just want to send you hugs, Mama. I went through something very, very similar. For me, it ended up being very bad post partum depression combined with ADD. I was not diagnosed with ADD until about four years ago when ds was 3. It's made a tremendous difference, just knowing. Things like being overwhelmed at starting a job search process are classic marks of my ADD. Also, keeping up with daily tasks and parenting tasks. Just a thought.

Also, I did about a year of talk therapy. If I were you, I'd give the medication a week or so more and then talk to your doctor about a different one. Different meds work in different ways.

My heart goes out to you, Mama. It's such an awful feeling not being able to enjoy parenting. I know because I've been there. It's a dark, dark place.
post #31 of 90
So sorry to hear you feel that way.

I know you said it may not be what you really want, but I wouldn't rule out working. Instead of a daycare, I'd actually recommend having a nanny at your house so that much of the day to day clean up feeding etc would be done by someone else. Saves the hassles of getting kids ready in the morning and coming home to a hectic house.

If I were in your shoes, I think at this point with both of you home I'd set aside one hour every day that Daddy is in charge and I get to go on the computer and work on *work* related things, looking up jobs, sprucing up resume, applying online, etc. Then Daddy gets one hour to do this too. If you get a job first, then Daddy takes care of the kids during the day and you look for a stop-gap babysitter to come when he gets an interview and needs to be out of the house. If he gets a job first, same thing in reverse. When you both have a job, you hire a full time nanny to come to your house and be in charge of the bringing DS to preschool, kid's laundry and kid's cleaning, feeding them, maybe even getting dinner started. The right professional nanny can make your home feel soooo much calmer!

(FWIW, I don't have a nanny but I do WOH. My partner stays home during the day then we switch and he goes to work when I come home. I do NOT recommend this set-up to anyone feeling stressed out because it's really tough to navigate. I am often jealous of my friends who have a nanny taking care of everything at home, then they get to come home at night and have nice relaxing time with the kids and Daddy!)

ETA: I'd also work on really getting physical with your kids for a good few hours every day. A lot of outside time and running around (for all of you) will help with the jumping on couch and with your mood possibly. It's not out of the realm of possibility too to get your son evaluated to see if there's any underlying issues making parenting harder.
post #32 of 90
Did I write this post in my sleep? No, I couldn't have because my 4yo picked half the keys off my laptop and it would have taken at least 3 full nights. For me every day is like being at war. I am just trying to survive.

I try to find one moment that I enjoy each day...not even a full minute...just a moment.

I am totally there with you. (((HUGS)))
post #33 of 90
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Guestmama, there's been a lot of good advice here, so I'm not going to repeat it all. But, I do want to tell you that I, too, have a four-year old. Oh man, do I have a four year old. Some days (like today) it takes every fiber of emotional and intellectual strength to not tell her to shut the h-e-ll up! It doesn't mean that I adore her any less. But four is really really hard. This is going to sound like a strange suggestion (and maybe not a possibility since your DP got laid off), but could you get a mini trampoline? They sell them at sporting goods stores and target and walmart... ours is a saving grace. Move the jumping somewhere other than the couch and burn off some energy.
post #34 of 90
I too just wanted to say that I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself. I think the 4 yr old's behaviour sounds normal (at least in my house!) The suggestion to get a job is a good one. Maybe take a break from MDC so you don't feel like comparing to people who only post a portion of their lives online? I know I have enough of MDC sometimes
post #35 of 90
No family is perfect, like everyone else has said. No mom should ever have to parent alone either. As they say, it takes a village to raise a child. That is true in so many ways.

I know I'm saying the same thing again, so here I go:
I worked as a therapist before I was a mom, just in case it helps you at all in your decisions.

I think that maybe it might be a good idea to look for a better therapist if this one isn't helping. If you do find yourself walking out of session every week a little more helped then stick with them. If you find yourself leaving and not at all helped or motivated or thoughtful in anyway they aren't helping. There are a lot of therapists out there that aren't helpful or just sit behind the desk not listening, like on Freaky Friday when the daughter was being the mom.

It does also take a few weeks for anti depressants to kick in. But if they aren't helping it might be good to look for a different brand. Some anti depressants can also raise anxiety levels, so if these are doing that you need to stop and find a different brand. I'd start to keep track of symptoms you experience while on these meds in case you do find yourself more anxious, less able to sleep, more depressed, etc.

Also, have your thryoid levels tested. Sometimes after you give birth they get wacky. However, check out the site stopthethyroidmadness.com because they talk about the tests that really need to be ran. It took me awhile to find a doctor that would run the right tests. All the doctors I had said they were fine, but it was clear they weren't When I did find one, they ran all the tests and put me on meds, it was a huge difference in my life.

And, like other moms have said, not all moms are cut out to stay home all day. Some moms need that break and time with adults. If you don't want to work that's fine. Maybe just use the time your kids are in daycare as a mommy break. You can start out all day for awhile and see how it goes. And as time goes on and you are feeling more rested you can slowly decrease the time they are in day care until maybe it's only half day every day or only every other day half day. Or you could work 2 or 3 days a week and if you want increase it or decrease it.

However, I think if your therapist was helping they'd be proposing things like that already or helping you form these ideas. Parenting is not a perfect thing, just like life. It has it's ups and downs and is full of self growth. No one has ever said you have to stay home with the kids, or that you have to work for your kids to be in preschool or daycare or that your kids will hate you or feel like you don't love them for putting them in preschool and daycare. I was a preschool teacher before I was a therapist and there were many loving parents that had there kids there, even if they weren't working.

I know society implies these and that there are posts on here that make other parents feel like bad parents (heck, I avoid certain forums and threads because of that), but you can't let that defeat your self esteem. We all have to find what works best for us and as long as it makes our family as a whole happy then that's a sign it's good for us. But if we are neglecting ourselves, it will show up in how we treat others and feel about ourselves.

I really hope you find something and someone that helps you out soon. Parenting can be really hard.
post #36 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by onlyboys View Post
Could it be that you have clinical depression? You really sound hopeless, which can be a sign. Take care of yourself.

Also, perfect families do not exist. Even those who claim that they are x, y, and z have days where those ideals flee from them.
I agree, or postpartum depression. If your youngest is only 1 thne you could have been suffering from this for awhile.

I know you are on antidepressants, but from what I've read, in order for them to be most effective you need counseling, too. Maybe I missed that part of your post, but are you going to see someone for talk therapy. It's really important.

I don't think you are a bad mom, I think you are depressed. Being a mom is HARD WORK. Most people don't have it together, especially with 2 young boys. I have one and don't have the energy to clean (or the desire for that matter.)

Good luck to you. I know that hopeless felling, I've been there. I actually had to work to turn that around, too, with lots of help!
post #37 of 90
For years, I cried and dreaded the next day when I went to sleep. I saw a few drs who said that I am probably depressd to which I replied, "Well, I am chronically ill and nobody has anything to offer me to get better. That's depressing! Wouldn't you be depressed?"

Anyway, I have been on a journey to becoming healthy since 1998 and this is my first year that I can actually say that I am healthy!!!

BUT while I was working toward fixing my body, I had a lot of really wacky things go on- OCD to an extreme, social anxiety to an extreme, utter dread of living another minute and having to consciously choose to not throw myself off the balcony, etc... I was a huge mess. My body completely ruled my emotional state and my ability to function in any way. In the end, it was only recently (last year) that I found anyone whose knowledge was of use to me- after decades of trying to find someone or just the right information to do it myself.

I have an overactive limbic system and this brings a lot of challenges in my life. Properly functioning adrenal and thyroid are essential to feeling and being well. Mine were tanked and on the verge of shutting down completely. I second the pp's recommendation to read up at Stop the Thyroid Madness.

Part of my journey included super simplification of my life. There was just no way I was in any condition to woh; I couldn't even go grocery shopping on my own. I felt much like you described in your first post as well about having a family. I do still become frustrated when I've not had a break and I am relied upon by everyone for everything to such an extent that if I don't do it/think of it then it simply will not be, and then we all suffer and I bear the burden of that because I'm a sahm. But the difference now is that I recover with a break and don't become overwhelmed at all when I have regular breaks (which have not been happening for the past ten weeks! AAAAHHH I need a break!). I can recharge and come back feeling like me and loving both me and my family too. That was impossible for me before. Once dp realised that I wasn't making things up and that he had to take our dc for an hour or two so I could rest, it made no appreciable difference; I just had nothing and left and an hour or two here and there was just waaaay too little, waaay too late. And I was sick.

Anyway, at one point, I removed all the furniture in my house except beds and the kitchen table & chairs. I removed any doubles of all of our things and anything I didn't want to put any energy into maintaining. I decluttered, but that was incidental; I made the choice that since I was not willing or able to take care of all the stuff, it would go, and it did. Dp at that time did nothing in the home; he was gone 6 or 7 days each week. Ayway, I made my home empty of stuff. I changed my diet to suit my body's needs, worked out the 'ant's (automatic negative thoughts) and replaced them with positive ones, even though my brain fought me in this; I was persistent.

I completely cut out everyone in my life who treated me in ways I didn't want. Some people I told this to; others I didn't and just disappeared from their lives. I had no tolerance for conflict; my body couldn't cope with it at all, s I avoided it and felt fine about it because I was doing things for me, and not to please or placate others, for the first time.

I decided that if I was going to make it to my childrens' adulthood, I had to begin to make choices that included MY well-being and I am still very much on that jurney because I do NOT do that well, but I'm learning; I post about that every now and then.

I used to give my meals to whomever asked for whatever was on my plate! While breastfeeding giant babies!!! And I'd give away my water and realise at the end of the day that I had only had a glass or two all day, which explained why I had headaches and muscle cramps added to my usual constant pain. Obviously everyone else could obtain ther own plate of food (or just eat what was already served to them instead of mine) and their own water! I didn't require my dc to give me physical space ever, so they were always on me somehow and I co-slept so I never had physical space- I also showered with dc because dp wasn't home enough for me to be clean and tehm to be looked after while I washed. I did this for years! I just didn't respect myself then; I didn't know what that meant even.

Now I do, though I am in the process of learning how that works practically.

When I was a wreck for those years, others including dp would ask me why it was so hard for me to be happy when mothers have always done what I was doing and they were happy. I asked for some evidence of that because mothers have only recently in human history done what we do commonly now- raise our dc in isolation without extended family or community directly involved in family life. I haven't known a mum who was actually happy in the situation I was in. I was then told that the pioneers did it. Show me the evidence that they were HAPPY though. Where is it? And why do we assume they were happy to raise their children in a foreign land in isolation from other families and even their spouses in many cases?

Oh and how about valium? Mother's Little Helper? Was that for all the happy sahms who were just so glad and content in their isolation and feelings of not mattering? Please. Dp found out recently that his deceased grandmother was on a constant buzz from alcohol, and that's probably how she remained so calm while raising her four dc in a foreign country while her dp worked all day and had a fling on the side... There are a lot of self-medicating mamas in those stories but nobody talks about that. Surfing the net can have a similar effect and outcome, I think, but if you are retreating that way, you are not alone! Uuuuh, we're called internet 'users' btw.

It's like the idea that there are mothers who give birth in fields and just keep on working (also told to me when I was suffering very badly after two c/s in two yrs and adrenal exhaustion and more), but while this may be true, it is not HEALTHY and I have no reason to belive that this is an IDEAL of any sort taht I should aspire to in my life! I think it's terribe that a mama would give birth at work and then strap the child on her back with some errant rags and keep working while blood runs down her legs. Wow. So romantic.

You know something is wrong. I don't think it will just pass, and I can see that neither do you. Ignore people who say that; they just don't want to feel or acknowledge the pang of responsibility for your situation; you need better friends than that. I think it's pretty much innate that if a human being is suffering, and we know about it, we have a responsibility- it varies, but it's there; most people don't want that burden for others even though their flippant responses indicate that they must be aware of it.

So, move on and find people who are open and proactive in their lives, and think of yourself as being that way too, even if you cannot muster the energy to actually do anything just yet. You are reframing, and if you have to take time to do that, then do so, but do it with intention! Eventually, you will act, and you know that; until then, work on your thoughts and plans and make changes to allow yourself the space to act when you are ready. My empty house provided me with a lot of that. You may have a different strategy, but you need to have one whatever it is.

You have to be proactive and it might take a long time. One of the hardest obstacles I had was the realisation that if I was going to get better, I would have to do it on my own (as if I didn't have enough of that going on!), so I made a plan that involved reorganising my physical space. Then my brain space. Then my body space and all with overlaps of course. Your situation is different, but inevitaby, you'll be the one doing it in you- but it is wonderful to have support. Make sure the support you have is support for what you need- specifically. It's not support to have someone who isn't willing to even recognise what you need or what's going on. That's just a person in close proximity, which can still be useful to you, but you also need personal support in some form.

I instituted quiet time for my dc which took forever to take hold and I have since lost that time (I want it back!). I began to set up boundaries physically, emotionally, etc.... Dp was not supportive of any of what I was doing. He was clueless, and it was heart-rending to me to realise that I was married to someone I would have to fight against to get better! Eventually, I came to the point that I had to tell him that he either supports and doesn't cause me stress or conflict or he leaves. I had to stand my ground because I knew that with a partner in my way, it would take more energy to get better than I even had to expend. It was actually life-threatening for me to have conflict and I endured it anyway for years.

My dp has severe ADD and that was a really difficult thing to navigate; thankfully now he's also working on himself and our home is usually peaceful, we're accomplishing things as a family and we have plans and ideals that line up! What a tranformation!

Anyway, I have had to work two lifetimes-worth to get anywhere in myself and my family in this one life so far, and in the process, my dc who obviously suffered too, also learned and healed as they watched and participated in my journey as they will continue to do. My marriage is better than it has ever been and presently, I am very content and so is dp. We are doing things together- renovating our home, learning better communication and raising our dc together instead of it just being me while he's gone doing his work and school and I am run into the ground. Our whole family has gone through an enormous healing process that has been alongside my recovery, initiated by me.

I could go on and on, but I am willing to bet that you have an idea of how you might begin the journey you have to take from here. And that might be figuring out what to do next (you did this already; you're compiling information and reassurance that the changes you need to make are okay, that you can be a good mother with different ideals or even the ones you have). Of course you can, and now you have evidence of lots of other mamas who agree.

You can do what you need, and you know that the other options are just not satisfactory or you'd be content with what's going on now. I am not in an ivory tower at all; I live this still, but each change and each progression unlocks and unravels a lot of stuff, so while it looks like a mountain to conquer now, it's more like a snakes and ladders board bt without dice- with choices and self-discovery at the tops of ladders and bottoms of snakes. But it's worth whatever little bit of time and energy you can eke out. If you need to rely on the internet for reprieve, then spend your time reading about people who have accomplished in their lives what you want to and learn some tricks to help you get there.

I hate pump-em-up motivational stuff, and I know I'm coming off that way myself right now but really it's because I'm trying to pack more in than will fit in this space and my time to be on here. I just wanted to share some of what has been helpful to me; maybe some little thing will trigger some little or big thing for you and you'll have that tiny spark that keeps you going onto the next thing. Or not, and even so, I know that being human, you have immense personal power, so regardless of my contribution, you can do what you need to do.

post #38 of 90
If your DH is home could you take a weekend to yourself?

I agree with all the advice here - that this may be physical or related to your health, that you need and should keep at finding professional help, and that working or daycare or school (is your eldest almost ready for kindergarten? Do you have junior kindergarten there?) might help a lot.

For what it's worth, I am a much better parent when I am working. I wouldn't homeschool unless there were a serious need of my son's, and I don't think it's a lofty standard that must be met - I completely support it but I also think that school can be completely fine. I have come to look on daycare and school as inviting other adults, expert ones, into my son's life - and so far they have delivered joy in spades.

But right now what might also help is a big break somewhere with nature like a friend's cottage or a tent in the woods (if that wouldn't drive you nuts) or a really cheap B&B or just a sleepover at a relative's where you can ask to just be left alone and sleep.

4 year olds are challenging, and 1 year olds are challenging. Truly.
post #39 of 90
Don't have much time at the moment but I know exactly how you feel!!!!!! Have some tips etc would you prefer a PM, email or just for me to write here??????

Parenting and me just really aren't good fellows, I am not horrible or anything and love my kids dearly but in my heart, I am a free spirit and right now I am trapped.
post #40 of 90
I'm not going to repeat all that's been said here but just offer hugs.

Another suggestion: Like you, I love to surf nothing on the computer and like a PP said, I'm the most irritable when the kids start interrupting that time (it's about the only time that I feel I'm in adult company, yk?) What I do now is on das that we have nothing planned, I bring the kids to an indoor playplace or the library and take my computer with me. Most these places have WiFi now where I can hook up my lappie and the kids can play. It saves my sanity some days! My "work" isn't really anything that requires any brain involvement and the kids don't notice I'm not totally interacting with them. Of course I keep an eye on them but for us this seems like a great win-win.
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